So just don't discuss anything at this point? Just go home and take care of the kids and do my thing? Don't even discuss the live there or not, etc? If she talks about R, just validate and not say anything?
I said not to initiate. If she does then it's fine to reply. I'm with Sandi though, I don't understand why you would be OK with her continuing to live there while carrying on with an affair. It's like convincing yourself it's OK to live with gangrene even though it's incredibly painful because your leg is still attached, but you've already lost your leg to it and if you ignore it you'll lose more of yourself as well, maybe everything. Maybe a morbid example, LOL! But I'm sure you see the point. Living with a WW will destroy your life. Again, look up TXHubby's posts and read them. Here's a synopsis post he made:
Her text this morning when I did not respond to the text letter, does that change any of your perspective Sandi?
Sorry, but it does not change my mind. Her speech and actions are what we call "script", b/c it is so typical of the WW. Even if you agree to IHS, just as soon as she can work something out to be out of there, she's going to say she wants a D. As long as she benefits from the IHS, and OM is not putting out the $$ for her, then she'll probably stay for a while. IHS from a WS is a compromise, IMHO. One of my kids was IHS up until they filed for D (and there were no infidelity issues). I saw what it did to them and to the kids. After they each got their own place and moved on......their lives improved. But they could not move on until they got away from each other.
My SIL left her H (not for infidelity issues) and they each had their own house. I think it was about a year and half later when the reconciled. The success stories I remember all had one thing in common. The spouse who originally wanted to save the M had to lose his/her fear and let the other spouse go.
I think you need to be very firm in whatever you say. She's the one who is pushing IHS, and it's not with the intentions of repairing the MR. That's why she dangled that carrot in front of you to indicate she was stepping back from OM. As soon as you agree to IHS, she'll do like she wants to do and continue to lie to you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Likely other man is not a branch she can completely jump to in order to support her weight. Either because he can't (married, not leaving his W, not financially able, etc). We have a saying around her, a monkey will only leap from their branch if they have identified another branch that can support them. IE, it sounds like Plan A is starting to fall apart.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Likely other man is not a branch she can completely jump to in order to support her weight. Either because he can't (married, not leaving his W, not financially able, etc). We have a saying around her, a monkey will only leap from their branch if they have identified another branch that can support them. IE, it sounds like Plan A is starting to fall apart.
He is married but separated. From my understanding, he does not make a lot of money (she has told me this when she broke the news of meeting him). Also, he does not appear to have good credit based on some simple court documents that I was able to find where he owes for two heart attacks he has had from when he did a lot of cocaine when he was 18/19 years old (WW told me way too much about him when she was drunk that one night). Also he has problems down there so I have a nickname for the SOB. Limp D if you know what I mean.
She knows she is stuck. I won't bring up anything. If she says anything about R or moving or leaving or whatever, I will say you do what you need to do.
I understand about kicking her out or saying she needs to leave. If she brings it up, about stepping back from the OM, etc. Can I say that if you continue to do be with the OM, then I will ask you to move out and be firm at that point? Can I ask what she meant by stepping back or whatever? Give her this ultimatum of that she can live here if she wants to work on the M with no third party involvement, but if not then she will need to find her own place?
If her L is worth a spit, he will tell her that she has a right to stay in the house until court ordered to leave. So I would vet your desire for her to move out with your L first.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So I get home and she says she will held going to the funny bone. It is a comedy club. This Friday. The OM does comedy on the side. So not really buying this stepping back stuff. How do I go about asking her to move out?
Not sure how separation works and how they decide who moves out and who stays. I guess I can ask my attorney? I assume legal separation is only option to get her to move out.
So I get home and she says she will held going to the funny bone. It is a comedy club. This Friday. The OM does comedy on the side. So not really buying this stepping back stuff. How do I go about asking her to move out?
Not sure how separation works and how they decide who moves out and who stays. I guess I can ask my attorney? I assume legal separation is only option to get her to move out.
Well you can ask her to leave, but you can't force her to as she has as much right to stay there as you do. Sometimes they do go ahead and leave because they want to anyway. If she refuses to leave then yes, you're left with legal proceedings as the only option. You'll have to ask your L for details, it varies from state to state (here in TX there is no such thing as legal separation, only D). If you pursue S or D then she may very well paint herself as a victim to the court and demand to keep the house and make you pay all the bills, so definitely discuss with your L before saying or doing anything.
I don't think she wants to leave. Financially she is scared to. Otherwise she would have done it already. She has never lived on her own. I will have to give her some money each month if we don't do a legal separation. Not sure how much I would give her but I would have to give her some. She will take a car with her too. I will have to threaten divorce if she doesn't go the temporary separation way. My L advised me to do divorce instead of legal separation due to the extra spousal support I would be required to pay in a legal separation. This will be interesting how it plays out. I have an IC appointment today. I will speak to IC and then come up with a plan. We are supposed to do MC next Tuesday. Which is technically a waste of time.
Definitely consult a lawyer, her being scared financially is going to translate into $$$$ in her pocket probably. But that all depends on the law in your state.
Stay calm when you talk to her, if you go to MC, stay calm and be fair and listen too.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Anthony, the "threaten divorce" comment concerns me. Many LBSs have gone that route, hoping to get their WAS to change, only to end up D'd despite not wanting to be. When you say threaten D is that because you are willing to file for D to get her out of the house, but don't really want D? Or are you saying threaten D because you are okay with that eventuality and ready to D if she isn't giving up OM?
Anthony, you seem to really be driven by emotion. You get upset, angry or hurt, and then you get impatient. Why do you have to do anything right now? What does her going to the comedy club this weekend mean that you think you have to push a decision now? I feel you are still looking for the "magic wakeup pill" that will get her to see what she is doing is wrong, hurtful and not a good path to go down. There is no such pill.
Get busy. Stay busy. Stop letting her words and actions impact you so forcefully. You will not be successful in fully moving on mentally and emotionally, no matter what your W decides, if you continue to let her get you spinning.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
