Tryhard, we've all been there. Look at all of us that post here, we've been through it. Our pain was exactly like yours. You can get through. But the problem is that if your goal is to ease the pain, you will make decision based on that. Then in a year, when you are D'd, you will look back and wonder "if I had just endured the pain for a little while longer, maybe".
I know we live in a society today that is always looking for a way to end pain. Opiates are rampant. People self medicate with drugs and alcohol. We have epidurals for childbirth. The truth is that sometimes pain endurance is necessary. And I believe in the case of the end of a marriage, pain is a reality. But the pain of wondering if you have done enough is just as real.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, appreciate what you have said and will follow , thanks for the guidance. I am impatient, but I am fixing and bettering myself . Not touched a drop for 1 day off 3 weeks , signed up and gone to gym , fixing up the house , validating and helping her as much as I can . Out on Saturday night playing poker with a bunch of guys , Sunday visiting mum . If I can get more settled emotionally I can progress at work . I am only a man , the only support I have is here
Ok need to know what I do next , GAL I guess ?
Had a great day with W . I did suggest some intamcy but she said she was confused so I backed off . She says she needs more time . You may think I am doing this wrong, but I have to prove that I do want her after abandoning her . She leaves her phone ( locked) with me whenever she goes out the room etc . I guess she knows how I feel . Next steps ? Keep going keep busy . I will give her space and time .
Last edited by Cadet; 03/15/1902:58 PM. Reason: combine posts
Not touched a drop for 1 day off 3 weeks , signed up and gone to gym , fixing up the house , validating and helping her as much as I can . Out on Saturday night playing poker with a bunch of guys , Sunday visiting mum .
Great!!
Originally Posted by Tryhard
Ok need to know what I do next , GAL I guess ?
More of what you wrote above. Keep at it, it'll help you change your focus from W to your life. Work on yourself, and most of all, be patient.
Originally Posted by Tryhard
Had a great day with W . I did suggest some intamcy but she said she was confused so I backed off . She says she needs more time . You may think I am doing this wrong, but I have to prove that I do want her after abandoning her
Nope, you are definitely doing that wrong. You are falling into the typical trap of trying to convince yourself that pursuit behavior is OK in your case because it's a 180 on the lack of pursuit in the M. But this is faulty thinking and will just damage your relationship further. Here's the deal, in a healthy relationship if you get in a fight then what works to repair things? Buying flowers, apologizing, taking her out to a romantic dinner, having some sex. So your brain is now programmed to think that's the solution to all marital problems. But dealing with a WAS is unlike anything you have ever encountered in your relationship. She is completely done with you, can't stand being around you and is repulsed by the thought of having sex with you. The ONLY thing that will fix that is to give her time and space while you work on yourself. SHOW HER that you are a better person, allow her to be attracted to THAT. It takes a lot of time so you must be abundantly patient.
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I will give her space and time .
Quit saying it and start doing it. DB'ing isn't about words, it's about ACTION.
So an update. Went out for dinner a couple of nights ago and every time she left the table she left her phone purposely behind . I guess I wasn’t able to hide me reactions to her phone as that has been her “secret” communication method “ later in the evening the phone rang a few times and she kept hanging up . She panicked a bit on one as she accidentally accepted it before closing it . I must admit I felt better , but I am no fool and making anything from it.
Last night F was supposed to stay at her sisters with SD . I did ask if she was seeing her bf , sorry couldn’t help myself , she said no how could I . Well I know people will go to great lengths for their desire. So ambivalent about that . Got back from the gym and was preparing a relaxing evening to recuperate without her . Soon she came back as she had argued with her sister so was spending the night at home . I asked if she was going out later and she said no she had no plans . I kept myself a bit distant and carried on with my plans .
As we were talking she did the rewriting of history and started bringing up things I had done a long time ago ( I kicked a door in anger ) I validated her as best I could. I think that’s where reading other peoples stories prepares you for what it to come . Complete building the path today then tidy up , eat , watch a film ( maybe a snooze ) then poker with a group of old buddies later .
I guess I am just a delusional fool . I think she is just so nice she doesn’t want to hurt me and I am hoping for hope when there is none . Why can’t I face the truth ?
I know that I tell myself lots of stories about what is happening with me and H.
I decide that he's cake eating, and that any attempts on his part to be warm or kind with me are just manipulative and he doesn't really love me and doesn't really want to commit.
Then I decide he's actually a bit mentally unwell with stress and anxiety and I've really not supported him well enough at all and I need to show him as much support as I can while not expecting too much back from him right now.
Then I think he's behaved terribly towards me (and he has) and I am an utter idiot for even wanting to R and I should move ahead as quickly as possible to divorce.
Then I think all the DB stuff is right and I just need to drop the rope and get on with my life and if he comes to me, I will see what I feel like if and when that happens.
And I can't get my mind to settle on one of these things and I go backwards and forwards and make myself exhausted and upset with it all.
And that is just the way it is for me right now.
People keep saying that time is my friend and I am just trying to take care of myself and be kind and not make any irrevocable decisions or tolerate any behaviour that damages me until things become clearer.
I suspect my H is in a similar state to the one I am in.
What you say makes a lot of sense . We are all human and I guess are indecisive in these things . The DB stuff is right I guess , because we become better people either way . I guess we are just waiting and hoot, I don’t know , I think in a couple of months things will be better , I just don’t know , it’s just so painful
) then poker with a group of old buddies later .