Turbine, hang in there man. I know it is hard. I think most of us struggle with how could this person that loved me enough to marry me and have kids can so easily just discard me. It is such a weird feeling, surreal almost. I know there were days I almost expected my WW to say "JUST KIDDING! I didn't mean it!" Of course, that isn't the case, she did really mean it, and it means focusing all my efforts on controlling me and what I need to do, not trying to control her.
Turbine, the roller-coaster is real. Feeling great one day, feeling like the world is ending the next. I literally would not wish this on my worst enemy! No one deserves to go through this pain.
Chin up man, it will get better.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Email from my L about settlement. Two sticking points. One about household expenses. Other about inheritance and trust.
I went back in the tech library and cried. I don't want this... still. Seems I have no choice now. I've been praying a lot. I guess marriage isn't so big a sacrament. I have to let go. No... I am being forced to let go.
How do I not do something terminally stupid? I feel crushed. Kids, grandkids, family and friends... are they enough?
Supposed to go to church tonight... God, I'm feeling bitter and lost. Will my worship mean anything in this state of mind? Has any of this been of use or value?
Friends... after this? I want use to be husband and wife, the way we should have been all along. How can I do that? Three kids, private time with her... never again...
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Staying awake in church is not something I am succeeding at. Not happy with that.
Yesterday after work, my uncle and cousin's husband came and picked up a cabinet for my aunt. It had been her mom's. My mom got it when Grandma died. Mrs. Turbine raised a stink about me not getting it. We didn't have space and having it wasn't important to have it. So now my aunt has it. I may get it back again, may not.
Mrs. Turbine gave up any veto on this when she filed. Didn't say anything to me this morning. Don't care either.
Went to the gym, had a good work out. Training session tonight. Need to talk with my DB coach too. Been having a few rough spots. Issues with the settlement.
Even after all this I still love her. Forgive her and would take her back. According to His plan.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Turbine. I hear you. There are times where I myself fluctuate between staying focused on what I have to do. (Packing things, fixing all the problems in my life, time, IC, sleep,� house car, managing time, finances, things, selling house, praying to God) It feels like God. How do I put this? He is always there for me, to listen to me, but I have trouble connecting and relating to him and his ways in this broken world.
I am learning behaviorally, how to behave more and be obedient to his testanents, covenants, and words, try to be kinder, more patient, forgiving, understanding, some not so much as far as habitual sins.
I keep reading about having the faith of a mustard seed can move mountains, and only if we just trust him according to his plan for us. We will be blessed. Allow him time to do his work in you, and with others. But still there is the flip side of each individual having their own thoughts, beliefs, free will, and plans aside. He cannot control us, or others, but he can change us if we allow him to.
All inspiring yet frustrating. I don't know how much i can really change.
Well sort of a direct intervention by God, it looks like I will be divorced. She sent me a text after a string of them of Engelbert Humperdinck, Please release me. One of the more crushing days. Supposed to talk to my DB coach tomorrow about noon. What now? That monster just got really foxtrotting big with extra arms and all that. Yeah... kids, grandkids, family, friends. Was supposed to be Mrs. Turbine first and always. To me it is. To her no foxtrotting way. Is this the plan God? Marriage is can be difficult but to end like this? I want her to be happy. I just thought it would be with me. So have I learned what I need to God? Her sails are filled and I am lost at sea.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Session at the gym went well. I was and am still agitated. My trainer and I used that to push tonight. Didn't help my state of mind. As I said in the post above, looks like I will be divorced. I am crushed. We are to broken to heal. I know I am not done growing. However I feel that I am a failure. Yes, 50 percent end in divorce. I wasn't supposed to be that 50 percent. My actions weren't the only ones that got us here. Mine are the only ones I can attempt to correct. I am making that effort. She views it as too little too late. Church... not a real effort. Everything else. no good, why are you trying.
Some misguided effort here then. I am trying to do all of this for me. Maybe I have been lying to myself all along. The gym, church, trying to improve my self other ways... all a lie and waste of resources.
Is there a silver lining in this cloud? Three kids, five grandkids, extended family... right now mean so much less without her as part of it.
I was hit by a car when I was 6th or 7th grade. I was injured but not too badly. Why?
I like an orderly world. Don't always get it but preferred. Now... devastated. This is among the worst days of my life. Trust there are better days ahead I am told.
I love her. I want her to be happy. I haven't or can't let go... so I have lost my beautiful wife. I can't tell her any of this. She won't accept it or believe it. Respect... love... all gone on her side. and my side is bursting.
Everything else is going through the motions. Has been for a long time.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Coaching session went well. By that I mean my coach and I had a good conversation and it seems despite all my effort and my coaches there will cease to be a Mrs. Turbine in a few days. Cease in that we won't be married and she will still be Turbine.
I know there is a difference between forgive and forget. Something my coach and I touched upon. I know I have tried very hard to forgive Mrs. Turbine for a variety of things, going with this divorce being the biggest and last.
Not mind reading but based on what she has said she has not forgiven me for any of my faults or shortcomings. She seems to enjoy twisting these knives. So this divorce is to make me hurt because of the hurt she has felt over the years. So it seems that this is toxic to both of us. So perhaps it is time to throw in the towel.
I have been awake for hours before writing here. Lots of dark thoughts. I know that solves very little and it really isn't a solution. Would I stop hurting? At some point I suppose so. I wonder if at that point time would become infinite and all I would experience forever would be pain. To the rest of the world, time would march forward as it always does at a steady rate. It would be over in seconds to anyone else.
Thing is while our youngest daughter and son were over to help me move some furniture we all were bickering at first and then getting along. Smiles, discussion about what needed to be done to spruce up the house, even a few jokes. Heck even the dog was not an issue with the W. Had lunch with our kids, got I love you Dad and hugs. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot... its great they are supportive. I want the love and hugs and all that go with it from my wife. Something she hasn't offered in a long time and to be honest I haven't been what she wanted in a long time either.
No chance though. Said I used them up. How do you act not knowing you are on super secret probation. I just have come to realize that I am depressed. I haven't played a game on my computer in a while. Not like I used to. I also realize that I was depressed doing that too. It was an escape. From the reality that my parents were gone and I was stuck dealing with my sister and her own craziness. Thanks Mom. The lawyers for the trust were garbage. So much so that my uncle took his business elsewhere.
Mrs. Turbine was saying very hurtful things yesterday and for a while before. Stuff that hurts to my core. Hurts from being a kid. Calling me a mamma's boy. In school I was bullied. Picked last or nearly last in gym class when it was team sports, football, baseball/softball, dodge ball, whatever. After the fat kid, who much later I learned was gay. Not that this particular detail matters. It is sort of salt in the wound though.
Mrs. Turbine complained I never planned anything. Go to the beach on Lake Michigan, into the city ( I despise that Foxtrotting place) vacation etc. Kinda hard when all I saw were a growing pile of bills and it seemed the only way to fight that monster off was overtime and a second job. Oh... home at one in the afternoon on Saturday, lets go to the beach that would take us an hour to get to. Am I bitter. Yes. Does this make me fell better. Not really.
My boss thinks the other three techs like listening to the Beatles and Michael Jackson. They only do because they know those two annoy the Foxtrot out of me. One side can't harmonize to save their life and more than a few songs are enough to make me want to hurl cookies. The other is so lacking in testosterone I'd almost rather listen to Elton John, not exactly Mr. Macho there either.
Younger D thought get a dog or cat, get a CDL and go OTR. No experience, back to square one and way too much time alone. Plus side I would have my choice of music to listen to. Definitely artists with more testosterone than the others listed. Madonna comes to minds but since she offered to blow up the White House and a few other choice bits I'll pass on that. Johhny Cash, Trace Atkins, Toby Keith, Josh Turner Louie, Armstong, The Rat Pack. There is a play list with testosterone.
Well time to get ready for church. More later or not...I need to have a long talk with God and maybe the minister today.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
you can't make her stay even though that's what you want. Set her free in every single way. Maybe one day she'll be back, maybe she'll wonder why you aren't pursuing her anymore. And maybe not. It's out your hands either way.
All the pain you are going through will fade in time, but it will fade faster with work. I read lots about your W and how she's hurting you. She's going to continue to hurt you until you decide you won't let her hurt you anymore. You're only 55. You have so much life to live and it's time to start living it! Carpe diem!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
