Steve85 - thanks - I was thinking just about everything you just said; just wanted some confirmation others had similar thoughts. As Ready2Change likes to say 'Set Boundaries"
Do not let fear control you. Do not fear her emotions.
My #1 job as the man is to protect. Protect what? My family. My household. Myself. My relationships. Whatever I deem important to protect. If I have a rat in my house, it is my job to kill it. If there is a fire, I will put it out.
How do you protect? You have to do it logically with out letting your emotions drive your decisions.
Spending on Amazon is OK. Buying gifts for OM on Amazon is not. Monitor all spending. That is how you protect. Cut off anything that is not good for your family. She will get angry, but she will respect you.
If you have time, dig deeper into some of the poster I quoted. They are wise.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
But the question is larger here.... Does one want to remove shared financial *before* anything is filed? Obviously, this would more than likely piss off the spouse
Do not worry about how she will respond. Do what is right.
I would get your money going into your own account. You can then transfer funds into joint account to cover family expenses. Request that she do the same.
H:"W, I have setup my own account. I believe it is best if we each deposit $x.xx weekly into joint account to cover our normal expenses."
If your incomes are drastically different, split by %. 'W Since I make 2X as much you, I believe it is fair for me to cover 2/3 of the normal monthly expenses."
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
SVD, do you have any evidence of the A or are you basing that on things looking "funny" when she FT'd you? I'm not sure that's enough to hang your hat on. Normally we say not to snoop but if you really must know then get serious about it and hire a PI. Once you've verified it's true, then stop snooping because you found out what you needed to. I'll just warn you that if W finds out you are snooping she will go deeper undercover with her activities and it'll be even harder to find anything out. And she will more than likely deny, deny, deny.
SVD, do you have any evidence of the A or are you basing that on things looking "funny" when she FT'd you? I'm not sure that's enough to hang your hat on. Normally we say not to snoop but if you really must know then get serious about it and hire a PI. Once you've verified it's true, then stop snooping because you found out what you needed to. I'll just warn you that if W finds out you are snooping she will go deeper undercover with her activities and it'll be even harder to find anything out. And she will more than likely deny, deny, deny.
I have no smoking bullet but early on (early January) I did see some text messages to her friend referencing "OMG moment, his name, and if they had talked again 'since'. She is always on her phone, gone almost every weekend staying over at 'friends' and what not. It's fairly obvious what is going on.
We talked tonight and here is what I more or less found out and what happened:
[list] * She has not talked to any L * She has not talked to any mediators * She has only emailed that online divorce site * She has no idea whatsoever what a divorce entails * She has no idea financially what her rights are * She has no idea the financial impact on the kids that is about to happen * She has not thought about where she will live - but said I could have the house (to which I replied have you thought about the refi cost + child support + all the bills and if I can even afford our forever home we just bought for the kids on my own?) *She did not retort my comment that (I and the kids are not oblivious and with her leaving every weekend to see her boyfriend they are starting to pick and choose me for pretty much everything now) - Note: no talk of EA/PA or OM has come up but she did not retort this statement at all tonight! But my kids are both choosing me over her for pretty much everything lately as she is only concerned with herself and making herself happy.
She definitely looked overwhelmed when I asked her for this info, for what she wanted, who would have kids on Christmas, what if a kid is sick and cant go to school, etc. I told her to do her research. Talk to mediators - send me 2 or 3 for me to choose from. Talk to a L. Educate herself. I told her next time we talk she better come to the table having done her research and knowing at the very least her ideal parenting plan.She asked for help and I said "No, WW, you fired me as a husband. As I told you a month ago - it takes 2 to get married but only 1 to divorce. I don't agree with it - especially since you did not try at all (said she would go to my IC but bailed - twice!)- but I will not stop you from doing whatever you think you have to do. I do however request that you do what is best for the kids and do your own research. I am not going to help you. You fired me."
Overall I think I handled it fairly well but I did get heated at the end. I think I could have done better at that. She did look like she was about to cry almost, and blurted out 'this is why we are not compatible anymore' after I asked her if we were done talking for tonight. I had to refrain from all the responses I was going to give, and just walked away.
and blurted out 'this is why we are not compatible anymore'
What does she mean by this? Do you know what she means? If not, none threatening,probing question might have been called for.
"Please restate that so I can understand..." "Please clarify" "What part of this. I need specifics" "I want to understand.."
Yeah - this is her reasoning for divorce ... That her and I are not 'compatible' any more (apparently never were in her mind as *everything* is negative all the way back to wedding night). That we just don't see eye to eye on things, that we have different interests, etc etc. It's really what she is telling herself to make her self feel justified in her A she is having.
.... I did get heated at the end. I think I could have done better at that. ..
H"I need a break.. can we resume this when I am calmer? like in 5 minutes...."
Yeah - I sort of did that - I more or less said "OK, I am obviously getting heated here now knowing you have done no research and still think a divorce is a 5 minute thing we can fill out online.. and have not thought of any implications (emotionally, financially, plan,etc) for our kids. Before I leave, is there anything else you want to say? If not I am done for now".
It was not the best tone. I was not yelling, but you could tell I was emotional. I need to try to remove emotion next time we talk.
Thanks R2C as always. You have helped me so much already (as with others)!
