You at the very least should be fully researched, and have consulted with a L to know your options and what you want. This doesn't need to be discussed with your W. Since she wants the D she should be the one driving it not you. If she doesn't want to drive then go about your merry business unless you want to file. However, from my perspective if you know what you want, and if this goes to D then you can gently coach her turn left or turn right. I see it as damage control.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
svdad, Just getting caught up on your sitch. Every sitch is different but I just wanted to give you a bit of an idea of what way this could go. I was/still am in the same boat as you regarding a lack of plan and understanding on W's part regarding a separation agreement or plans for how D might look. Myself and I think a lot of others on here possibly including you may be under the impression that our spouse getting a dose of reality about D may wake them up and in some cases it does. This did not happen at all in my case. As the months wore on my thoughts turned into "I want her to make a plan so we can get this settled and I can start to really move on with my life". That didn't happen either. I could be wrong but I have a feeling your W may be perfectly content ignoring anything to do with actually officially separating and the more you try and help her understand the reality of it the more she will avoid the subject.
Hey Ryan, thanks for that! My wife is *very* keen on getting divorced. She wants it done asap. The problem is - I have supported her and done nearly everything for her for the last 16 years. She is content being in fairly tale land with OM up to this point. She needs to come to the table with the reality of D and what it entails, and let me know her plan on financials, child agreements, etc and so far has none of that. Is that like your sitch or no?
svdad, if you go back and read my threads you'll see my W also was going the "hey, online D is the path of least resistance, and I want to get it done fast and painlessly". What woke her up is I went and talk to a L. At that point she realize "ok, he isn't on board with my quickie, let's get it done now, D". My W is a college-degreed, smart woman. But her WW fog had her wanting to just be done with the marriage without having to do any real work to D. I guarantee she isn't interested in the reality of D because of that fairy tale fog. Again, the only thing I think you did wrong was to have the discussion with her at all. But do what Twofeet says and get a consult with a L. Know your side whether she knows her side or not.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey guys - I have had several consults with Ls already. I have done *my* research and that's one of the main reasons I am pushing for her to do hers and come to reality on impact of D. the decisions that need to be made. The implications. What needs to be drawn out into an agreement so that we can agree on it.
Steve - I had to have the discussion with her as it has been over a week since she sent me the online divorce site and I replied back "i will look into it". She had asked if we could talk about about it (or other options). I am not going to ignore her when she requests to talk about D. But she knows now - that I am not going to talk again until she has done her legwork herself.
svdad, are you a right fighter? Sometimes the details aren't important. But the need to be right means you fall back on details. The desire of the WAS to want to discuss things is a common subject here. "I am sorry, but I have a lot to consider. I am not ready to discuss it right now."
This is DB 101 stuff. R talks = D talks, and vice-versa. Avoid them. Either she is going to file for D or she isn't. You agreeing to talk about it or not is not going to matter.
svdad, please consider the question about being a right fighter. Being right and being happy aren't always congruent. Trust me, as a committed right fighter for most of my life I had to learn that to be happy sometimes I didn't always need to fight for being right or justified all the time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey Ryan, thanks for that! My wife is *very* keen on getting divorced. She wants it done asap. The problem is - I have supported her and done nearly everything for her for the last 16 years. She is content being in fairly tale land with OM up to this point. She needs to come to the table with the reality of D and what it entails, and let me know her plan on financials, child agreements, etc and so far has none of that. Is that like your sitch or no?
svdad, My W, if you were to ask her wants nothing more then to get a D. Fairly early on I adopted the stance and made it clear to her that she was free to do as she pleased, I wasn't about to stop her and she was free to leave if she pleased. Like your W and Steve's she wanted a quick easy online divorce (not even legally possible where we live when children are involved). I advised her lawyers were required and suggested she go for a consult which she did. 5 months later not one single item has been discussed between us, every time I ask about things i.e. the kids, the schedule, the house, the finances the answer is "I don't know, I need to figure it out". So I have a women that claims she desperately wants a D but will not actually do anything to make it happen. The common saying on here comes to mind "Believe only 50% of what they say".
Thanks Ryan - I need to read up on your sitch but are you living in same house still? Is she having an A? What is her reasoning for wanting the D? Just trying to see if there are more similarities here we have.
svdad, please consider the question about being a right fighter. Being right and being happy aren't always congruent. Trust me, as a committed right fighter for most of my life I had to learn that to be happy sometimes I didn't always need to fight for being right or justified all the time.
Steve this is the first time i have heard the term "right fighter". I would have to assume I am. But in this specific case - my kids and their future are what I am fighting for.
svdad, We are still currently living in the same house and have set days that each of us are responsible for the kids. On her days I generally organize GAL and only return to the house to sleep. It is one terrible way to live. I have long had suspicions that she was/is having an affair but I have never bothered looking into it or trying to find out. At the end of the day I trust my gut on it and it doesn't really matter. The only real explanation I ever got for her wanting a D is the typical ILYBNILWY and has never really happy. The usual WAW script that you read in almost every sitch on here. She always wanted kids but currently spends very little time with them and partying with younger single friends is her #1 priority in life.
Being a right fighter isn't necessarily being a fighter for what is right. It is more about a need to be justified and right in your actions and choices.
Typical statements that right fighters make:
"Okay, I may have handled that wrong, but......." -insert a litany of excuses justifying why "Well, you don't know the whole story....." -insert a litany of excuses disguised as the whole story justifying why "If they didn't do....." -insert a litany of excuses disguised as "their" actions justifying why
The right fighter has to be right and justified in their actions, even if their actions were wrong.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
