Midlife crisis wife

[lost8]

Wolf, we have all been there...if it is not the clothes it would be something else. It is the most bizarre thing you will ever experience as you see all of the good things that you have done in your MR get rewritten in your Ws head.

Yeah there are things that we all could do better and should have done better, or shouldn't have said or should have said differently in our MRs. But the the only thing that matters right now is that this is really happening and you do have to take the steps to be prepared for any outcome. I am not putting myself on a pedestal and say that I am perfect but I cannot fathom how my WW could have ever done or said most of the things that she has over the last 10 months. It is a total loss of reality including respect for her two kids.

All I know is I was lost in months 1,2,3,4,5 totally and have now only in the last few months fully embraced DB'ing. The concept seems so crazy yet so imperative. Everyone jokes if you love someone set them free....haha until you are in that situation, it is not easy but until you can get to that point you will never understand who you are.

I thought I was there many times that I had emotionally let her go, she would leave then I would take her back, leave then I would take her back, wash rinse repeat. It wasn't until she left and I said why, why am I doing this, no I don't want you back this is over....not to get a reaction out of her but because I was better than that, my kids do not deserve this either. Let's get this over with and move on so that we can live the lives that we want separately.

It wasn't until that point that she was shaken so bad that maybe she will not leave again.

I'm not sure exactly where your W is right now and if any changes you make will make a difference with her but you will see it have effects on you. The way you look, the things you do for you and your kids, your outlook on life. Make the changes that make you happy and your kids happy.

It's hard to shake them when they get like this and there is no guarantee but DB'ing is the only thing that has saved me. My MR.....still not sure where that is...but my kids...and me...we're good right now, that's all I need.

[AnotherStander]

She calls me to tell me how bad they were behaving, which I don’t know what I’m suppose to do when I am at work.

Classic guy comment. "How am I supposed to fix this when I'm somewhere else." The answer is this- SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO FIX IT. Us guys, we're all classic fixers. Show us a loose screw and we're immediately looking around for a screwdriver. Tell us your problem and before you can even finish we're formulating a solution to spit back at you. Women don't want us to fix all their problems, 99% of the time they are just venting and want someone to LISTEN and VALIDATE. So you say something like "oh wow, that sounds very frustrating, is that how you feel?" She says "yes I'm so frustrated I want to scream!" You say "That does sound very frustrating! I'm sorry you're going through that, but thank you for getting them ready each morning." Later she'll be talking to her friend and say "I don't know what's happened to him, suddenly he's LISTENING to me and COMMUNICATING with me." That's the effect listening and validating has.

In her ranting and raving she said this is one of the reasons our marriage didn’t work, because I don’t always take out his clothes. I literally almost laughed on the phone.

Your response- "I am sorry, I imagine that is a big deal when you're already frustrated over trying to get them ready. I will try and remember to always have the clothes out before I leave." Her point is this- she doesn't feel you were a member of a team with her. Sometimes you got the clothes out, sometimes you didn't. And when you didn't, guess whose responsibility it became? Your wife's. Is that fair to her you think? You might see it as a small thing, but it could very well be an indication of a much larger issue of you constantly choosing when you do and do not perform your marriage responsibilities and leaving her to pick up the slack when you don't. Right?

Meaning, she talks about how we all drain her and most days she just wants to run away. Well I hate to tell her even in divorce you will still have the kids and now by yourself.

Once again you are dismissing her feelings. Here's a validation test for you, how SHOULD you respond if she says the above again? Write out the exact quote of what you think you should say to her.

[Wolfman]

AS thank you for your words of wisdom. I did t have time to write out the whole dialogue but I was validating her statements. Not as good as you put it. I am definitely learning a lot about validating. You are right; the first thing I want to do is fix the problem. But I am working on validating. As far as a response to that statement, “I know the kids and I can be exhausting and I’m sorry you are so tired. I will take the kids later today to give you some free time to relax.”
How is that? AS I appreciate how you show me how to answer, it’s definitely helping me. That is definitely something that she wants, she just wants to be heard and understood. Something I definitely got wrong in the marriage.

[Ready2Change]

I will try and remember to always have the clothes out before I leave."

Is an 8 year old capable of doing this himself with some guidance and boundaries the night before?


I took a parenting class "Parenting with love and logic". Three of the main points I took away:

If the child is capable of doing something, the child should be doing it, not the parent.

If the child doesn't do it, there are natural consequences to their choices and actions.

The cost of bad choices increase as the child gets older.



Most of you are dealing with grown up children (Spouses) that did not suffer natural consequences early in life because the parents "rescued" them from the natural consequences of their actions.

I will try and remember to always have the clothes out before I leave."

I would replace:
H"I believe it is time for S to start getting his own clothes ready THE NIGHT BEFORE. I will help him do this to reduce the stress in the morning."

[AnotherStander]

“I know the kids and I can be exhausting and I’m sorry you are so tired. I will take the kids later today to give you some free time to relax.”

That's a good, loving response, but you're still trying to "fix" things (I'll take the kids later). The focus should be on seeking out her feelings and validating them. So here is how the convo might go:

Her: You and the kids drain me, most days I just want to run away.
You: That sounds very difficult, how does that make you feel?
Her: I'm very angry and frustrated and just exhausted.
You: You do seem very angry and frustrated. What do you think is happening that's making you feel that way?
Her: (probably a long list of stuff)
You: I can see how those things would make you feel angry and frustrated, I am sorry you are having a down day.

Now as a fixer (like me and most every other guy here) you are reading that and probably thinking "no way that will work, I need to offer her solutions" but it DOES work. When I started validating my ex and daughters, it just felt so touchy-feely and like I was trying to be their counselor or something. But they responded very positively, telling me how much better at "communicating" I was even though I didn't feel like I was communicating anything TO them at all! But that's what this is all about is giving them what they need and not what we think they need. They need to feel heard, understood, sympathized with. Compare that to what most of us would say pre-BD:

Her: You and the kids drain me, most days I just want to run away.
You: Seriously? I left the house at 6 am and worked my butt off all day and you're whining because of having to get S's clothes out? Are you kidding me?
Her: Do you ever listen to anything I say?
You: Oh I hear you loud and clear, excuse me for not dropping everything to get a shirt and pair of pants out! Oh how you must have suffered having to spend 5 seconds doing that!!

Etc. etc. etc. This is exactly why most WAS's seek out an OM, because that creepy, low-life OM knows how to validate and their husband only knows how to be an ass.

That is definitely something that she wants, she just wants to be heard and understood. Something I definitely got wrong in the marriage.

Most of us did. But it can be fixed, and fixing it will have a very positive impact on your relationships!

[IHCLACS]

Funny as soon as I rather the descriptors of the other program I knew it was Mort Fertel

[Ready2Change]

Her: You and the kids drain me, most days I just want to run away.
You: That sounds very difficult, how does that make you feel?
Her: I'm very angry and frustrated and just exhausted.
You: You do seem very angry and frustrated. What do you think is happening that's making you feel that way?
Her: (probably a long list of stuff)
You: I can see how those things would make you feel angry and frustrated, I am sorry you are having a down day.

This is how two woman communicate. This how woman want their man to communicate.


Next time you are at Starbucks, sit down behind two woman talking and just listen.

[IHCLACS]

Not that I don't mind tapping into the female psyche as it is always intrigued me because I've always wanted to improve my communication skills. But it's almost as if women are asking men of the 21st century to stop acting like men and more like women? When it comes to emotional intelligence there is a good reason why both men and women both carry feminine and masculine frames. When the opposite frame dominates the existing person they don't exude their natural personality and sexuality. Ever notice of effeminate guys are with bossy women who manipulate and control them?

Myself I fall right in the middle I have a nice balance between the two, which I'm sure has made me passive aggressive on occasion?

[Wolfman]

Quick question. Yesterday during the day my wife went out, did not tell me where she was going. I had plans to go out in the evening. She was not sure she would be home in time when I had to leave, so I got a babysitter. I was meeting up with friends at a restaurant. It just so happens as I am driving through town where there are a lot of bars and restaurants, she sees me driving and then calls me, where I was and I said the town and she said funny I am here too. She said what are you following me? I told her no I am meeting friends for dinner like I said. But she didn’t believe me. When I finally parked I text her if she wanted she could come and have a drink and I told her which place. Of course she said no.
I know today she is going to probably ask questions or accuse me of following. How do I handle this? It is a very popular town.

[Ready2Change]

W:"H bla bla bla following me bla bla bla"
H:"I answered that question yesterday. Do you remember my answer?"

or

W:"H bla bla bla following me bla bla bla"
H"Why do you think I would be following you?"
W"Bla bla bla"
H:"Obviously you don't remember our conversation last week"
W:"What convo what are you talking about.???"
H"I told you I was meeting freinds downtown."


or


W:"H bla bla bla following me bla bla bla"
H sarcasm "Yes, I have nothing better to do with my time than follow you around." and then walk away. (see if she follows you"

or

"Yes, I followed you all day. Would you care to explain everything?"

or "We already discussed that. Do I have anything to be concerned about?"