Anthony. I am not sure how you can 180 on something if you avoid it. So if you do this, do it face-to-face, when you are ready and prepared.
On your second question, the answer is to drop the rope. Dropping the rope means you stop trying to control her. She is going to do what he wants to do. You have to do what you want to do. This is why I am urging you to forget about OM. He isn't your problem. She is. Even IF she drops him, if her heart isn't back then her being away from does not matter. The LBS where there is an affair that struggle the most are the ones that fixate on the OP. Drop the rope. Work the process. She will either MAKE the decision to leave the OM HERSELF or she won't. You have no control over that. It is hard, but forget about her and what she is doing. Concentrate on your GAL, 180, and detachment. The Anthony that constantly fixates on OM isn't attractive to her. The Anthony that is busy, working on himself, and emotionally immune to her crap WILL BE attractive to her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Maybe I should move out temporarily then. It is against what the L say but I can write up an agreement and go from there.
Why would you do that when your L and every last one of us is telling you not to? Here is what usually happens: LBH moves out to give WAW "space" or whatever. WAW has the house, the kids, and no spouse, win-win-win for her. The LBH ends up continuing to pay for the house while living in a dumpy little apartment. The WAW has OM over frequently and often even moves OM in. So there you are Anthony, living in some crappy place while your W has the house, the kids, and OM sleeping in YOUR bed every night no doubt having all kind of wild sex you haven't dreamed of with your W in ages. So how does that sound? If you think all of that is OK with you then by all means move out, but I really hope you have more backbone than that!
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I love my children and I don't think she is mentally stable at all which would cause me not to go that route.
You don't think she's mentally stable, but you would abandon the kids and house to her? Why?
Anthony. I am not sure how you can 180 on something if you avoid it. So if you do this, do it face-to-face, when you are ready and prepared.
On your second question, the answer is to drop the rope. Dropping the rope means you stop trying to control her. She is going to do what he wants to do. You have to do what you want to do. This is why I am urging you to forget about OM. He isn't your problem. She is. Even IF she drops him, if her heart isn't back then her being away from does not matter. The LBS where there is an affair that struggle the most are the ones that fixate on the OP. Drop the rope. Work the process. She will either MAKE the decision to leave the OM HERSELF or she won't. You have no control over that. It is hard, but forget about her and what she is doing. Concentrate on your GAL, 180, and detachment. The Anthony that constantly fixates on OM isn't attractive to her. The Anthony that is busy, working on himself, and emotionally immune to her crap WILL BE attractive to her.
I am not focusing on the OM. I am focusing on the point that she wants to cake eat. I do not give a crap about the OM except for the fact that she is spending my money on gas and buying herself drinks to go see him on my credit card. I know her process has to work out but she can do it from afar and not be in the house. It is impacting the children. My son was up at 11PM last night because she left at 6:30 at night and our dog was making noises because she was not home yet. She didn't arrive home until almost midnight.
When she left yesterday, I just said have fun and even asked why she was still home at 6:10 because I thought she said she was leaving at 6PM. So to say I am trying to force her to stop being with the OM, is not the case, She can just do that by living away from me and the children.
Maybe I should move out temporarily then. It is against what the L say but I can write up an agreement and go from there.
Why would you do that when your L and every last one of us is telling you not to? Here is what usually happens: LBH moves out to give WAW "space" or whatever. WAW has the house, the kids, and no spouse, win-win-win for her. The LBH ends up continuing to pay for the house while living in a dumpy little apartment. The WAW has OM over frequently and often even moves OM in. So there you are Anthony, living in some crappy place while your W has the house, the kids, and OM sleeping in YOUR bed every night no doubt having all kind of wild sex you haven't dreamed of with your W in ages. So how does that sound? If you think all of that is OK with you then by all means move out, but I really hope you have more backbone than that!
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I love my children and I don't think she is mentally stable at all which would cause me not to go that route.
You don't think she's mentally stable, but you would abandon the kids and house to her? Why?
I am not going to move out of the home. I pay the bills and such. If anything, I would some how try to get exclusive rights to the property. Again, speaking to another attorney tomorrow.
Anthony, again, you moving out is not a wise move. And you have no legal standing to force her to move (and her lawyer will advise her not to). I know it [censored] but you are stuck in this sitch until a court order that either of you has to move out.
I know you are in pain and trying to alleviate that pain. Cake eating isn't necessarily what you say it is. Cake eating is when she wants to go out and be with OM and all GGW...but still have you as her husband to fix her car, or make her food, or do her laundry. Kicking her out, cutting her financially none of that is what we are suggesting because those have legal implications. I wanted to shut off my wife's cell phone, because that is what was enabling her EA. I was told that doing that would look bad in court because I was trying to isolate her. My W is a SAHM. I pay for everything. It sucked but that is why these things suck so bad.
You say you aren't focusing on OM....but you are. If she were just going out with friends would you feel as strongly about her "spending your money"?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, it seems you and Sandi are giving me conflicting messages. I understand detachment but then Sandi is suggesting standing up and getting her to not be in the house.
Steve, it seems you and Sandi are giving me conflicting messages. I understand detachment but then Sandi is suggesting standing up and getting her to not be in the house.
Well I always give way to sandi. I didn't see that she was saying that. However, I am assuming that sandi is suggesting you ask her to leave? Since legally you can't kick her out? If sandi is suggesting that then obviously I am supportive of that. But be ready for Plan B if she tells you to kick rocks.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, it seems you and Sandi are giving me conflicting messages. I understand detachment but then Sandi is suggesting standing up and getting her to not be in the house.
Well I always give way to sandi. I didn't see that she was saying that. However, I am assuming that sandi is suggesting you ask her to leave? Since legally you can't kick her out? If sandi is suggesting that then obviously I am supportive of that. But be ready for Plan B if she tells you to kick rocks.
I believe what Sandi is suggesting is that IHS is not an option. She needs to move out and suffer the consequences for her actions. Otherwise, I will just be in hell. However, I would have to use the options available to me to get her to move out temporarily to let her work on herself. If she does not or is not willing to temporarily move out, then I will use my tool of the legal avenue to either S or D. Sandi, I believe, knows that she is not going to stop talking to the OM. This is to, hopefully, get her to move out voluntarily to truly work on herself and for me to work on myself.
The only thing is if she doesn't believe that I would file for D or S, then she may try to call my bluff. At that point, I would have to actually proceed with S or D to show that I am serious. This may get her to move out voluntarily or it may start the process of S or D and let the courts decide.
Don't do or say anything if emotions are running high, like if you confront her about OM, etc.
I doubt she will leave, but here's what I would do if I were in your shoes.
I would tell her that I will not remain in an open MR or settle for an IHS. If OM continues to be in the picture in any way, I will make preparations to legally end our M. I would tell her I prefer that she left and stayed somewhere else, rather in the home. If she insists on staying here until the D is final, it will not be with the options she previously suggested. I won't play happy family when in the house with her. I won't escort her to events, including friends/family. We won't be attending anything "together", or doing things "as a family". We each go our separate way. I will put the house up for sell, and we can evenly split whatever is left after debts are paid off.
Now, that is what I would say, but this is your life, Anthony, not mine. I don't think the option of a separation is going to help this situation, but that's my opinion. I believe tough love is in order here. With that said, don't try to bluff her. You have to mean what you say. Don't say it like a threat. Just say it calmly. Using a calm voice is more effective than an emotional one.
Anthony, this is sandi's post. This is exactly what I thought it was. Based on her financial sitch, I think you would be looking at the big paragraph, which is what I was getting at earlier. Unfortunately, IHS is a legal reality for most people. Also, most posters come here wanting to avoid D. And while IHS is emotionally difficult, it does allow her to see your 180s and your detachment, and your GAL.
I've written extensively about the "grass is greener" dynamic related to people's sitches. Those in IHS think it would be so much easier if the WAS was out of the house. Those that are physically separated think IHS would allow the WAS to see their GAL, detachment and 180s. Not sure how many other sitches you've read here Anthony, but that is exactly what happens. IHS think "I could detach so much easier if I was separated." Physically separated think "I have no way of showing them my 180s!" So be careful what you wish for.
The main thing I am trying to get you to see is many LBS have threatened S and D as a way to try to wake their WAS up to the reality of their choices, only to end up D wondering what happened. If you truly believe that limbo and cohabitation is too much for you, and you'd rather D than be patient in IHS, then go for it. As sandi said in her post, it is your life Anthony. I just want you to make your choice with both eyes open.
DBing, Anthony is counter-intuitive. What you FEEL like you should be doing is rarely WHAT you should be doing. I've made the point before that sometimes the best thing to do is nothing at all. You are in separate rooms. I believe you kept the master bedroom, right? You're next step is to give her the time and space she needs to make up her mind. If she wants to S and D it will happen, you won't be able to stop it. However, you can take actions and say things that will ensure she goes that route. Since I am detecting that deep down you want to save your MR, then take the time to let things settle in. The limerance phase of an A wears off. It might wear off this weekend or 3 months from now.
If you had a crystal ball and could see that if her A will end in July....that she would recommit to the marriage in Sept. and in a year from now you guys would be in the same bed, coparenting as spouses, going on weekly dates, what would you choose? Obviously you can't know that, but one of the things I've adopted for people going through this is: earn your way out of your marriage. IE, don't take the easy way out. Make sure you can look back and say to yourself, I did all I could do to try to save this marriage. It may come up later with your kids.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Some of my 180s is to stop being Mr. Nice Guy. Start saying "No", "Stop", etc. I haven't been cooking dinner for her. I am not washing her stuff for her. I am not doing the laundry for her. I am so lost what to do. I try to detach but it is hard. Part of me just wants to end this nightmare and just move on with my life. Part of me wants to fight for her to come back because I was part of a broken home and did not end up well. She is all of the place. I am tired or the lies, I still can't sleep. I have been eating a little better but have lost 25 pounds now. The only good thing is my BMI is a normal range.
I have been exercising. I have been playing more with my children. We play a lot of board games. The other 180s she wanted to see from me was not drinking and not yelling and screaming. I haven't done that even in our discussions that become arguments. I just stop the arguments when they start to escalate.
The other things she wants to see are feelings and emotions being expressed. I have done that to her and with the children. The other things like intimacy (snuggling, touching, but not sexual in nature) I cannot or will not be able to show until she wants touched. She told me there is no "us" right now. She needs to see the changes over a period of months. I think her goal is to stretch this out to get her master's and be financially better off to leave. That it is where I am not wanted to just allow her to do that. That is cake eating.
