Settling In (LB55 Thread 3)

[Vapo]

Thank you for the update LB.

However I must caution you, that the WAS's brain is weird, tomorrow he might not even remember you talked and that might question your own sanity.

And take everything you think she's agreed to with a grain of salt. It is not uncommon for them to negate everything...

[LB55]

Thank you for the update LB.

However I must caution you, that the WAS's brain is weird, tomorrow he might not even remember you talked and that might question your own sanity.

And take everything you think she's agreed to with a grain of salt. It is not uncommon for them to negate everything...

Definitely taking with a grain of salt. She is still wandering in her own world. We talked about a bunch of stuff, and all the legal stuff then went in an email to her and then she replied back to me with some questions and mostly agreement with what was written/said. So that’s my documentation for right now.

This isn’t about restoring or working on my R right now, it’s about getting her to trust that I am not out to get her like her L is telling her. If we can stop the vitriol he is injecting into her head to anger her this will be a lot calmer. She seems to actually want me to spend time with the kids, her L is the one that keeps telling my L she doesn’t want me to be a part of the kids lives because I’m so dangerous. His character is coming out in a hurry here.

[Ready2Change]

It looks like time and space helping.


Do you have your house fully setup for the kids?

[LB55]

It looks like time and space helping.


Do you have your house fully setup for the kids?

Yes and the kids will be here over the weekend next week. They are super stoked to spend the night here.

She cancelled the court date on Friday so we can actually get a good product on thetemp orders. She has gotten more legal info in the past 48 hours from me than in 3 months from her lawyer.
Me feeding her factual info is building some trust in her that I am not this angry person that is out to screw her over that her lawyer has been feeding her.

Strange thing happened today, a person that worked for me came in late because he had been kicked out by his girlfriend. Same story of pursuit, doing all the smothering things, inability to validate, always using the ‘you’ statements, trying to control everything and take care of everyone in his life. Man the schit really came out when I talked to him for 3 hours. He has some advice on detaching a bit and says his evening at home is going fine. She left with the truck and he is playing his guitar. Crazy how the Lord puts people in just the right spot at the right time to help others. He is me 3 months ago.

[AnotherStander]

LB, that's all awesome, you are doing great! Excellent job of listening and validating while also protecting your rights. Try to continue to keep those communications positive and business-like, that's working very well right now. That's amazing progress that she's gone from not budging an inch to suddenly letting you have time with the kids. All fantastic news.

As for your coworker, yes once you get BD'd then you'll be surprised how many other LBS's you encounter. Pass the knowledge on!

[LB55]

AS

I am pretty happy with the progress. It is awesome! Not because I am restoring my R, but because I can talk to my friend and I get to see my kids way more. Taking my son to dinner tonight tomorrow and my daughter skating Friday.

W has turned off the court date for Friday. Once we both agree on the temp orders we will set a date to enter them.

My co worker is flailing big time. Trying to keep him focused on himself and not controlling things he has no control over. His girl left him today because work kept him late and she needed a ride from him. He is super busy blaming himself for being responsible and getting the job done at work. I’ve told him he can’t control her, let her go, take care of yourself. He is making himself a steak dinner and playing his guitar. He doesn’t buy in to the GAL concept yet, sits at home waiting to see if she comes home. I am forcing him to go to dinner with me on Saturday to get him out.

[LB55]

Journaling...

Today I am to get a ride from W from my new place to the house to pick up the motorcycle. Its nice that she can help me out with that, and it will greatly reduce my cost of commuting and improve my parking options. (i have a long bed 4 door truck as my primary transportation) I am kind of nervous about it, even with the positive vibes the past few days. I am still kind of shell shocked from the whole ambush that was the serving of papers at Christmas. Its going to take a long time for me to be able to trust her.

I read through some emails I saved from last year while deployed, saying how much she trusts me, how she can't imagine a relationship without me, how moving forward in our life and relationship after the military is going to be amazing, how good of a dad I have been, how she is so lucky to have found someone that took her in even with her history of issues, she can't imagine what life would be like if we hadn't met, etc. It was a time in which we opened up to each other more than we ever had about things, it was so refreshing, she confessed a bunch of things that had been bothering her stemming from childhood, I told her a bunch of things including issues with my family growing up, it was truly amazing. We were able to talk via email about things that we never felt comfortable bringing up before and we both felt so much relief from sharing those with each other. These emails were from Jan-Aug 2018. They did allow us to actually have in person conversation about some of it too, and that was really a healthy dynamic. I was seriously looking forward to returning to a much healthier marriage than I left. We were good but had always had communication issues. Thought we were slowly overcoming some of those with the more open and honest communication. We both said that this might just be the best deployment i have ever been on. Between August and November everything changed and we are now at this point. Its all just so confusing.

With the recent string of emails, she has been using just the first letter of my name to address me, and the first letter of her name to sign off. Its something we did during that year of deployment; kind of a term of endearment that nobody else could use and we both knew what the other meant. I have been reluctant to start that again, and continue to use the whole first name for both of us. It has a lot of emotional meaning to me when I use just a first letter. I don't know if it still holds meaning to her or not. Trying to not read into it but its difficult.

I want to work on the R badly, I have made a couple subtle hints and so has she about 'maybe in the future' and so forth without any concrete definitive overt statements. I told her I won't bring up any R talk and I intend to not do that. I am worried that she might and I need to be ready to just listen and validate as appropriate without any venting of frustration or hurt back towards her. I can do it.

I have to work hard at controlling my emotions. This wave of nice has kind of taken me aback and I have allowed my mind to start thinking about us again vice moving forward for myself. I did go to the gym yesterday to try and keep doing things I want and need to do.

I am hopeful that today goes well, that I am able to continue this friendly conversation, as it is making my life way easier in regard to the kids and legal stress. However I am still waiting for that next time I get stabbed in the back as soon as I let my guard down.

[Ready2Change]

Journaling...

Today I am to get a ride from W from my new place to the house to pick up the motorcycle. Its nice that she can help me out with that, and it will greatly reduce my cost of commuting and improve my parking options. (i have a long bed 4 door truck as my primary transportation) I am kind of nervous about it, even with the positive vibes the past few days. I am still kind of shell shocked from the whole ambush that was the serving of papers at Christmas. Its going to take a long time for me to be able to trust her. .....
However I am still waiting for that next time I get stabbed in the back as soon as I let my guard down.

I would avoid being alone with W like the plague. She lied to you about picking you up at the airport. She can claim anything she wants. I hope I am wrong. Seen it too many times.

Get a friend to drive you to get the bike. Take a cab. Drive your truck and leave it parked nearby. Pickup truck later. Uber might be an option. LiFT. Walk. Ride a bycycle.

[AnotherStander]

I read through some emails I saved from last year while deployed, saying how much she trusts me, how she can't imagine a relationship without me, how moving forward in our life and relationship after the military is going to be amazing, how good of a dad I have been, how she is so lucky to have found someone that took her in even with her history of issues, she can't imagine what life would be like if we hadn't met, etc.

Don't read that stuff, it'll mess with your mind. No mind can process how things can so quickly from her being loving and doting to treating you like a leper. It makes no sense, and the more you read old stuff and walk down memory lane, the more confused you will be. And the more convinced you will become that this is just a hiccup and if you say or do the right thing she will snap out of it. But she won't, not anytime soon. Time and space are all you can give her right now, and you need to give it to her in abundance.

With the recent string of emails, she has been using just the first letter of my name to address me, and the first letter of her name to sign off. Its something we did during that year of deployment; kind of a term of endearment that nobody else could use and we both knew what the other meant. I have been reluctant to start that again, and continue to use the whole first name for both of us. It has a lot of emotional meaning to me when I use just a first letter. I don't know if it still holds meaning to her or not. Trying to not read into it but its difficult.

This isn't unusual. WAS's can sometimes start out really vile and mean and angry, then when you remove all pressure and they realize that you're not going to try to cling to them or stop the D from happening then they don't feel the need to be mean anymore. She's getting what she wants so there's no need for that. But be careful because if you start pressuring her then she will go right back to being a mean girl.

I told her I won't bring up any R talk and I intend to not do that. I am worried that she might and I need to be ready to just listen and validate as appropriate without any venting of frustration or hurt back towards her. I can do it.

Yes, good. Yes you can do it, you are well-informed now on how to deal with it.

However I am still waiting for that next time I get stabbed in the back as soon as I let my guard down.

I doubt you will be turning your back to her anymore (figuratively speaking).

[LB55]

I would avoid being alone with W like the plague. She lied to you about picking you up at the airport. She can claim anything she wants. I hope I am wrong. Seen it too many times.

Get a friend to drive you to get the bike. Take a cab. Drive your truck and leave it parked nearby. Pickup truck later. Uber might be an option. LiFT. Walk. Ride a bycycle.

I understand your points and all are things I considered. I will put my phone on record in my pocket just in case. I am prepared to ask her to stop and let me out if needed.

I am trying to build some trust for both of us, I need to be able to trust her as the mother of my kids, and she needs to be able to trust me to follow my word. Its a 5 minute ride, I can keep things friendly for that long.

I am a much stronger person now, even if I have my weak moments. Journaling is me stating my fears vice holding them in. Have to face the fears is what the books say, and as MWD says you just 'act as if' and that is what I am going to do.