Clinging to Hope

[hope2019]

Thank you all. Yesterday was the worst day I have had in all this. Which just made me realize my expectations were completely high up there that we are going to work out in the end. Hitting rock bottom at least made me lose my expectations.

I’m grieving now, but for the man and marriage I lost 6 months ago. It’s pretty clear to me that he is having a breakdown. I don’t know what 35 year old man gets a kick out of bragging to people, multiple people, about his indiscretions. Like if that’s who his friends need him to be and that’s who he chooses to be then that really isn’t the man I married.

He was being super nice to me this morning and we shared a few jokes but I was probably a little too hurt still for them not to come across as mean. I’m just working on me now. Not to get him back but to get myself back. Who knows what the future holds for us but I do know that this man is not my husband anymore and until he chooses to work on himself which he says he can’t do until we divorce “get a factory reset” and some time and space then I don’t want him back. He went too far this time. Even if he didn’t do anything and just lied to his friends (which is his current story) I deserve someone who is so much better than that.

Time will heal, just need to be patient. Thank you again everyone it really helped me get through the darkest, lowest, what’s the point of being alive depression yesterday

[hope2019]

I feel like I’m hitting restart again. I stayed out on Friday night and whilst it was nice to get out, I just kept getting these moments of “why did I allow myself to lose my identity and get to this point”, “why does he need to rush this divorce rather than giving us a chance”.

When I got home yesterday morning I forgot everything I had learnt, I cried, I questioned, I was frustrated, I wanted to know what this hope looked like. Basically it was like I read sandi’s rules and did the opposite.

The only meeting we have to have about the divorce is this Wednesday and then it will be final in 30 days.

I’m restarting today and really focusing on LRT. I re read that chapter. Reread the rules. This time I’m giving myself time goals to do it. My birthday is coming up soon so my first focus is to prove to myself that I can do LRT until then. By then it should become routine.

I’m also trying to have as little contact with him as possible. I no longer call or text. I hang out in my room when I’m at home. Which normally always makes him come in and start a conversation. I feel stupid. I know that when I pull back he comes to me, but I keep letting the desperate side of me win. I’m going to believe in myself from this point forward. I want to walk away from this knowing I have tried everything and right now I keep only trying it for short spurts. Consistency is key. Anyone have any advice for what to do when you are close to failing? I’m thinking I need to force myself to go walk or something but my anxiety always gets the best of me. I know what I need to do to grow but just struggling to put it into action.

[Ready2Change]

Anyone have any advice for what to do when you are close to failing? I’m thinking I need to force myself to go walk or something but my anxiety always gets the best of me. I know what I need to do to grow but just struggling to put it into action.

Walking is an extremely good idea.


One important skill to learn is to "turn off" all the conversations in your head and focus on "the Now". As you walk, pay close attention to all the details of things around you. "Those are pretty flowers. I like that color"


Any time you catch yourself worrying about things you can't control, let go of those thoughts.

[hope2019]

Thanks R2C, I will give those a try.

My IC last week pointed out I have a difficult time of letting things go (which was also a sticking point in our marriage), so I've just purchased some books on the subject and will just take it in small bites to let things go and move on with my life. I'm not at the point yet where I can say with or without him because I just can't yet.

We are meant to be meeting with the attorney on wednesday and then the divorce will be final 30 days from then. any thoughts on me saying I now can't make wednesday because of work (partially true) and gifting myself a little more time.

He keep saying he has seen how much I have grown since December (partial BD and me saying IC), but I keep letting this small things be big things that set me back so there's no consistency. I'd really like the gift of time to practice consistency but also worried that delaying will come across as controlling or pursuing?

[hope2019]

I think I'm slowly moving into a new phase, sort of...I know there will be back and forth. But when making decisions I am no longer thinking, "what will H prefer?" or "what leads us closer to R", I'm now ALSO thinking "what makes most sense for me?".

With that in mind I have delayed the attorney appointment. My focus right now needs to be on me, my work, my consistency and I know a mid week attorney appointment will cause me to spiral.

I'm struggling to balance the LRT and not being cold. any tips/advice appreciated.

He is used to me being the talker, so I'm not talking, I'm staying away, in my room and trying to just answer with a smile when he asks things like how are you? Good but I worry it comes across as cold.

He said on saturday that he needs a chance to miss me, so I figure now he is home for a decent amount of time (has done 1-2 night at a time in the last month since BD, then I should ensure my daughter and I are living our own life and pulled away as much as possible. Does that sound right? I figure it's good either way, it will help me to move on or it will help him miss me to come back?

I genuinely think he is having a breakdown and doesn't realize it because his close friends and family are so supportive of him and his actions right now and so anti-me. I figure that bubble will burst one day and hopefully not when it's too late.

[Ready2Change]

Knowledge is power. Do not put off meeting with attorney. Use your time wisely.

[hope2019]

Knowledge is power. Do not put off meeting with attorney. Use your time wisely.

This is the only meeting we are going to have. He offered me a settlement proposal 1 day after BD, the next day he paid for a joint attorney/mediator for us. We have since looked over the settlement and discussed it, this meeting is for us both to go the attorney and say we agree to the settlement, sign and then the papers will be filed and divorce finalized within 30 days.

I feel like I'm not ready for this 30 day countdown yet, I just need a little more time.

I also have some major work to do this week for my job and the timing couldn't be worse, plus my only real support left today on a 2 week trip so I just know I'm not mentally in a place where I can pretend I'm ok with this.

With that knowledge, do you still think I should make the appointment ASAP or am I buying myself more time by putting it off for a week? When he first went away I responded to a text saying I needed a little more time, and he agreed and said no rush, after the trips away he has had recently (mardi gras...) he came back very much like whats the wait we need to get this moving

[Ready2Change]

I understand now. Are you OK with his proposal? If not, then you may need more time to think about what you want changed. Otherwise, no sense trying to buy time. One week either way won't make much of a difference. It is important that you keep working on you and your positive changes.

[hope2019]

Honestly, I don't think I am.

He made the proposal to me a day after BD. And followed it up with "the divorce closes the door on us, but if you make the divorce difficult and we have to use 2 separate attorneys then you will lock the door on us and you will get less". I was in such a "I need to do everything his way to win him back" mindset that I just agreed, I did not want that door to lock.

Now I'm up and down between wanting the door to lock and not. But I need to completely separate that from what is happening and I need to ensure that D6 and I have a decent future without him.

I've somehow moved from LRT to No-contact, which is probably not a good thing but it helping me to detach. He leaves now before I get up in the mornings and I lock myself in my room before he is home at night. Funny how for a lot of our marriage I would try to get him to make an effort to be more social here and have more friends etc and he refused, suddenly he is mr social and has somewhere to be every night and day.

I'm not sure what I should do....stay in NC for a while, he kept telling me he hasn't had a chance to miss me, even with all his trips away and our NC during them. or if I should drop the NC and go LRT. I just don't know. the NC has been happening since 2pm Saturday.

[DejaVu6]

Wow Hope. And I thought my situation moved quickly. Your H’s comments about needing to miss you are a bit strange to me. If he wants to miss you, why is he wanting a D right away? It is like he is trying to give you some hope but taking it away at the same time. That’s kind of like how my XH was in the beginning. Honestly...I think he was just biding his time and playing happy family with his affair to see if it would work before cutting ties with me. Do not let your H rush you into anything. You take the time you need and don’t worry about what he is doing.

I think you should take the agreement he gave you to a different lawyer for them to review to make sure you and your D6 aren’t being shortchanged. My XH tried to push everything through as well. I got my own lawyer. That BS about locking the door now but permanently locking the door if you get your own lawyer. What a crock! Trust me...he is permanently locking the door in his mind. He just doesn’t want you to think that so you will be more likely to go along with what he wants. You have a right to have your own legal advice and you should take advantage of it. Just because you get your own lawyer doesn’t automatically make it a fight. You can still try to reach an agreement in a cooperative way.

Are you sure there is no affair Hope? My XH swore up and down on our children’s lives multiple times that there wasn’t. He was lying is @ss off. People who are capable of affairs have absolutely no problem with lying...to anyone. Men tend not to leave situations unless they are sure they have a soft place to land. No offence to the guys out there but it does seem to be the case.

I know how hard this is Hope. I was where you are. Trust me...it gets better with time and space. Focus on GAL and your D6. I agree with AS. When you start to feel anxious, get outside for some exercise. I found myself focusing too much on my XH and his affair yesterday so I took my dog out for a walk. The anxiety went away and I returned home with a much better mindset. It really does work. (((HUGS)))