typical WW on my hands (part II)

[AnotherStander]

I found concrete evidence that WW has been lying to me (and kids) about where she has been going almost every weekend - and that it indeed is the OMs house.

Very sorry, at least now you know but I'm sure it hurts to find out.

Question for vets: Does this change anything for me? Before it was pretty easy for me to ignore her in our house and just play/enjoy my kids but now that I am 100 percent sure she is not only lying but infidelity is involved it is hard for me to not grit my teeth every time I see her. I really would be happier at this point with her out of the house.

Yes it changes everything because now you know that A) she is a liar and B) she is a cheater. I'm not sure how anyone could not be disgusted with that kind of behavior in someone that claims/ claimed to love them and who promised their life to them. My attitude is confront her. Tell her you know she's been lying and cheating and you refuse to live in an "open" marriage. Tell her you want her gone. She will of course want to know how you found out- THAT DOES NOT MATTER and don't tell her a thing, because that changes the focus from her impropriety to YOU and that is not where the focus should be. Just tell her "that doesn't matter, all that matters is I know about it and I will not put up with it." As an aside, you can't legally kick her out. She can refuse to leave. But you can "ask" her to leave.

Question #2: Can this be used at all in any way legally during the D process? For example, showing pattern of lying to me and kids and infidelity - would that help my case on having to pay Alimony? I know courts dont seem to care about infidelity regarding child custody though.

As Anthony said it depends on what state you are in. Most states have gone to "no fault" D, meaning they will not assign partial or full blame to either party. However, some states will allow such testimony to determine custody. You'll have to talk to a L about it (which you should right away).

Regarding why so many states have gone to no fault D- it typically comes down to "he said, she said". IE, if you walk in and say "she's been cheating on me!" then she will retort with "he abandoned me years ago and I couldn't take it anymore" and then you say "well she quit having sex with me which is why I abandoned her emotionally" and on and on it goes. It's almost impossible to sort it all out and it tied up the court systems so the courts are starting to realize it's easier to say "it doesn't matter why it happened" and just try to split it all up equitably.

[Ready2Change]

I found concrete evidence that WW has been lying to me (and kids) about where she has been going almost every weekend - and that it indeed is the OMs house.

Question for vets: Does this change anything for me? Before it was pretty easy for me to ignore her in our house and just play/enjoy my kids but now that I am 100 percent sure she is not only lying but infidelity is involved it is hard for me to not grit my teeth every time I see her. I really would be happier at this point with her out of the house.

Rule #1: Never reveal WHAT you know
Rule #2: Never reveal HOW you know
Rule #3: Just reveal the you DO KNOW. H:"W, STOP. We both know you are lying. When you are ready to tell me the truth I will listen."


Rule#4:Just don't do this in front of the children.

You can handle it.

[Ready2Change]

I really would be happier at this point with her out of the house.

H:"W, This is not working for me. I believe it is best if you find your own place."
W:"Bla bla bla not moving out"
H:"One of needs to move out. I like the house. You are the one that wants out of this marriage, I think we should move forward as quickly as possible"
W:"Bla bla bla Bla bla"
H:" I am sorry you feel that way"

[Ready2Change]

Question #2: Can this be used at all in any way legally during the D process?

Always get legal advise from a lawyer in your state.


I believe everything is negotiable. When the negotiations fail is when the legal system kicks in. The lawyers will "negotiate" everything and then the couple settles. If you can't settle, then a judge wll rule. Then you fall onto the legal "Guidelines" or precedence. The judge can hear all claims. You can object to spouses claims. Know the rules. Play by the rules.


I had a couple "Until a judge orders me" Items on my list.

50/50 custody was one of them.

I held my boundary. I told wife I would move out of marital home AFTER a written 50/50 plan was in place. This went AGAINST my lawyers advise.

[svdad]

Update: WW did indeed check out some mediation places, possibly met with L's as well but not sure on that 2nd part. Still did not give me any idea on her plan / agreement wants though (like I had asked her for).

I am going to email her back thanking her for the new mediation links but ask her to please list out as completely as possible her plan (kids, financials, etc).... with the reasoning that we should have a good idea on what we agree on (and disagree) before heading into an office that charges us $300 an hour. We can argue here trying to compromise instead of doing it in front of someone for free. Then we can head in once we know what we need help on.

Thoughts?

[Twofeet]

If you already told her this before there is no point repeating yourself. It may be better to suggest to her to give you a time to meet and discuss what you want together before heading to mediation. If she can't do this, then you don't have to go to mediation if you are not ready. Its pretty much voluntary.