Don't do or say anything if emotions are running high, like if you confront her about OM, etc.
I doubt she will leave, but here's what I would do if I were in your shoes.
I would tell her that I will not remain in an open MR or settle for an IHS. If OM continues to be in the picture in any way, I will make preparations to legally end our M. I would tell her I prefer that she left and stayed somewhere else, rather in the home. If she insists on staying here until the D is final, it will not be with the options she previously suggested. I won't play happy family when in the house with her. I won't escort her to events, including friends/family. We won't be attending anything "together", or doing things "as a family". We each go our separate way. I will put the house up for sell, and we can evenly split whatever is left after debts are paid off.
Now, that is what I would say, but this is your life, Anthony, not mine. I don't think the option of a separation is going to help this situation, but that's my opinion. I believe tough love is in order here. With that said, don't try to bluff her. You have to mean what you say. Don't say it like a threat. Just say it calmly. Using a calm voice is more effective than an emotional one.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ok, I went to my IC appointment today. I also scheduled another consultation with another attorney to get educated on a legal separation and how to get exclusive rights to the property. I will have that discussion on Friday. My IC said to do the MC and the therapist may tell her that there is no way to work on our relationship with the OM in the picture. I will then go back to my IC next Wednesday to discuss how to go about getting her to leave. My IC agrees that she is cake eating and needs to move out. How we get there depends on legal advice.
[quote] We each go our separate way. I will put the house up for sell, and we can evenly split whatever is left after debts are paid off.
I plan on keeping the house. The children (at least my S9 wants to remain in this house). Therefore, I would potentially get custody since she couldn't afford it. Other than that, I agree with what you are saying.
I can see how she will say that she has "taken a step back from the OM. Why isn't that good enough?" I will have to talk to IC about those potential scenarios, etc.
Anthony, same caution I gave another LBH today. If you make the cut off of contact with OM a condition, she may just go deeper underground with her interactions with him. She is being brazen with her A because of the history of both of you with the BFF. So how do you know if she really cuts off contact with OM? You probably don't. It all comes back to a single question: Do YOU want a divorce? If not, then regardless of OM, keep DBing. Otherwise, then go and file for D. My guess is that deep down, whether you want to admit it or not, you are hoping beyond hope that if you can get her to HAVE to make a choice, she will choose you and the MR over OM. The danger there is that you end up separated and or D'd and you look back with regrets that you didn't handle things differently.
Sometimes the best thing to do in DBing, is to do nothing at all.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Maybe I should move out temporarily then. It is against what the L say but I can write up an agreement and go from there. These are options to do things. I love my children and I don't think she is mentally stable at all which would cause me not to go that route. Yes, would I love to get the wife back before this one took over her body and keep my family intact? Yes. Do I hate the fact that she is cake eating and doing this stuff? Yes. I can give it a couple months to see and continue DBing. My therapist talks to hers and says she is painting a different story about our relationship. I told my IC that there were ups and downs in our marriage like any other. I said I do have things to change for myself but the biggest thing was stopping the drinking and has reduced my temper.
I need to work on emotions and impulses that tend to get me deeper into trouble. I am having trouble validating. I get defensive. I need to practice that but detaching better will really help me in that regard.
I am all over the place. She will be out of the house tonight and most of tomorrow and Friday night. Luckily, that will make it easier for me to focus on me and my kids. I keep reading the DB validation, dos and don'ts etc.
Anthony, I feel you. This is a common struggle. And common WAW/WW behavior. Mine put 100% of the blame on me. Was upset at my snooping. Said she was never happy. That she had worked on the MR for 19 years, even though I hadn't.
All of that was partial truths at best. Did I have 180s to make? Absolutely. But nothing I had done or was doing was worse than having an online EA, discussing sexual things, and sending nude photos. But in her WW fog she equated snooping with having a very sexual EA.
But I also know that it is easy to have regrets later. And my fear is that if you push her she will leave, separate and D, and deep down I know that isn't really what you want. And then you'll look back wishing you had been a bit more patient.
One of your goals should be to get through your sitch, Whether you save your MR or not, with as few regrets as possible.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Don't do or say anything if emotions are running high, like if you confront her about OM, etc.
I doubt she will leave, but here's what I would do if I were in your shoes.
I would tell her that I will not remain in an open MR or settle for an IHS. If OM continues to be in the picture in any way, I will make preparations to legally end our M. I would tell her I prefer that she left and stayed somewhere else, rather in the home. If she insists on staying here until the D is final, it will not be with the options she previously suggested. I won't play happy family when in the house with her. I won't escort her to events, including friends/family. We won't be attending anything "together", or doing things "as a family". We each go our separate way. I will put the house up for sell, and we can evenly split whatever is left after debts are paid off.
Now, that is what I would say, but this is your life, Anthony, not mine. I don't think the option of a separation is going to help this situation, but that's my opinion. I believe tough love is in order here. With that said, don't try to bluff her. You have to mean what you say. Don't say it like a threat. Just say it calmly. Using a calm voice is more effective than an emotional one.
Sandi are you saying to not recommend legal separation and threaten straight up divorce? That is what my attorney advised. I don’t want to lose the chance to reconcile but I have been leaning towards doing that as I am tired of the cake eating. I will be talking to another attorney Friday but need to focus on either divorce or legal separation. I understand the tough love but I know she is not interested in D at the moment but if I only give her that option , I would be curious how she would respond. Based on your experience with the tough love approach, what do you think the normal reaction is for a WW to do?
I am prepared to go down that path. A divorce takes up to a year in Ohio. Just curious what she would think or do in that situation.
Maybe I should move out temporarily then. It is against what the L say but I can write up an agreement and go from there.
Don't leave the home! Follow your lawyer's advice.
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Sandi are you saying to not recommend legal separation and threaten straight up divorce?
I would not call it a recommendation or a threat. I would tell her just like I posted to you last time. You said your boundary was no open M, so what are the consequences for not honoring that boundary? That's up to you. Don't expect her to agree with anything that doesn't benefit her. WW's are selfish and greedy. You said she probably wouldn't go for getting a D. Why are you looking at your decision as if she is suppose to like it or agree with it?
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I would be curious how she would respond. Based on your experience with the tough love approach, what do you think the normal reaction is for a WW to do?
If you've never played hardball (I know some people won't like that expression.....and claim I'm suggesting that you bluff) then I think she would be shocked, especially if you have abandonment issues. But more so b/c the WW is just plain arrogant. She doesn't believe her H would D her. In her mind, she's the one leaving him for the OM. So, whatever you decide, do it as if you aren't asking for her permission or agreement. know what I mean?
If you don't want a D, then go for the legal S. but don't go with IHS. It will suck your soul dry!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, when i confront her (after at least getting legal advice on how it would work, exclusive rights to property and custody info), is this something I should do rather face to face, via email, or text. I struggle sometimes conveying my messages via face to face. This is something I am trying to do a 180 on. Just curious.
Also, how would I know if she decides to end it to stay there and it is just BS. Meaning, she will do what she did last time she was told not to talk to him. It lasted 12 hours and then back on to talking to him. I agree with Steve that she will just go underground to talk to him. I am just trying to figure out different scenarios.
