Steve 85. I was reading one of your piecing articles the other day and I saw a list of how to make a WAW/WW feel a loss and consequence and hit it hard. But not in a manipulative manner. In another word for every action they take away from the marriage they need to feel a consequence. What are some good examples of that during an IHS? I stopped doing her dishes and cleaning up her messes, I stopped picking up things for her at the grocery store. She actually decided to charge me for dinner when she order it out one night, after she asked me what would I like to order. I wouldn't do something like that but that's just me. But I paid her anyway. Otherwise I eat my own food now. I'm actually to a point where I figure if it's going to be this Petty, and I'm not getting anything out of it anyway. I might as well pull the trigger on the D. Sorry to hijack your thread Anthony
Steve 85. I was reading one of your piecing articles the other day and I saw a list of how to make them feel a lossand consequence and hit it hard. But not in a manipulative manner. In another word for every action they take away from the marriage they need to feel a consequence. What are some good examples of that during an IHS?
There are no consequences mostly just cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner. That's why IHS rarely if ever works!
Yeah I hear that LH 19. I think that both of us would move into an apartment in the heartbeat but we're financially stuck IHS until we sell the house, Since we are both financially screwed right now. It won't surprise me one bit if she files first after the house is sold once the wheel is tilted to her advantage.
Trust me, I don’t like talking to my FIL but he is a controlling type. I told him my plan which he didn’t like but he did say that it is up to me. I am waiting until next Wednesday after L, IC to push for her to move out temporarily. I will be calm and say that IHS is not working for me. I will ask her to do temporary move out and I will write up a separation agreement. If she rejects that, I will then suggest we proceed to a dissolution for the sake of the kids. Tell her I can pay her spousal support and then be able to keep the children here where they want to live and where I can afford. She had mentioned before that approach of dissolution instead of divorce. If she rebuffs that then I will tell her the only avenue left would be a D which will be costly for both of us and be hard on the children. I will then offer her to time period to let her decide on which route she wants to do. If no decision is made by that date, I will proceed to call L and initiate the D.
I will say it calmly and then walk out of the room. Her IC was cancelled today so I am going out tonight to get out of the house and GAL.
So I left the house for a little while but them came back. I decided to spend the time playing with the kids. This is another 180 for me. I always tried to find time to play with the kids but either home improvement projects or other things kept me from spending time with them.
Therefore, I was gone maybe an hour an a half and came back. I think it surprised my W. I was feeling better and calm. I just told her that tomorrow I will be late coming home because I have a meeting so I won't be home until a little later. I then said I plan on taking the kids to dinner tomorrow night. She said OK. I then said, you are going out tomorrow night around 6 or so, correct? She said yes and I said, Ok and went and played with the kids the rest of the night before bed. I then went to my room and rested.
One of my D had a night terror and my W was dealing with her. I heard my D wake up again and I walked out of my room and clearly my W was irritated about dealing with her. I told her I would take care of her and she said "Good luck" and went back in her room. I just took my D and had her lay with me for a few and then took her back to her bedroom and laid in there until midnight.
Once I knew she was calm, I left her bed and went back to my bed to sleep the rest of the night. I am trying to detach and go back to the be happy go lucky guy that I used to be (I have been so depressed for the last year or so which probably doesn't help things).
So another 180 of mine is going to spend more time as a father to these children. Since my W needs to leave all the time to be "single", I have decided to devote more time with them than before.
Anthony, well done! I love this because it focuses (mostly) on you. You can't control her or what she does, but you can you. So focusing on what you are going to do is perfect.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So I talked to another attorney. Said same thing. Legal separation is pointless. He also said as novel as an idea of temporary moving out. He said, do you really think two weeks would resolve anything. I said no, he said exactly. Stay in the house. I wouldn’t do that anyways.
So I have to options to offer her. Dissolution of marriage or divorce. The attorney aaid just like the other that she would not be able to afford the home. They said j could. She has been adamant that the kids stay in this home regardless what happens. I want to keep the home. So I can offer her those two choices. She won’t like them and she will ask about legal separation and I will tell her that I was advised against it and, therefore, I won’t do that. I would offer her temporary moving out for her and I pay her some support to let her have another way. If not, I am at peace of proceeding to divorce.
I would attempt dissolution first and tell her for the sake of the children, give me custody and I pay her spousal support and she gets a lump sum of her half of the equity in the house. If she wants to proceed to divorce, it will cost her almost half of her equity stake.
I kept my credit card on that she uses. She purchased alcohol for herself Not sure why since she has her own bank account and clearly not a grocery needed for the kids.
I keep hearing and reading that the WW has to suffer a loss. What type of loss is that.
Most of your questions have been covered in a list of threads I wrote about WW's. Those threads are listed at the bottom of first page of Sandi's Rules.
There are consequences to decisions/choices we make. Is that not what we try to teach our children as they grow and develop into mature adults? If they do not learn this fact of life, they will always expect to be rescued. They look for someone else to pick up the tab; ignore their debts; have their back (even when though they lied); and continue to have another chance (although they make no effort to change or learn from poor choices/decisions because they've never had to be responsible for the results of those decisions). .
Yes, the WW has to experience some type of loss that is the result of her actions. It may be one particular loss, or accumulative, but I think she has to realize the connection. In other words, if she doesn't feel her actions have anything to do with the loss......then it's not effective.
In my case, it was knowing that my kids knew the truth about my actions with OM, and I lost their respect. I had been their example in life for a lady, wife, Christian, and spiritual teacher. As crazy as it sounds to sane people.......their respect in me as a Christian, was the most valued. Before all of this happened in my life. I would have been the first to say, "You must not have thought much about their respect when you were engaged in an EA". That's true, I don't remember thinking about it at all. WW's are arrogant to the point of being stupid. I was caught up in the thrill and addictive power of an A, and I actually believed I could influence my kids to think their dad was the bad guy and I turned to OM as the result.......yada, yada, yada. But, this heads toward another direction, and I want to keep it focused on the "loss".
Every person has something in their life they treasure. We've seen WW's leave their babies to be with OM. That just seems to go against nature, doesn't it? Here's the thing, you might try to guess what would be the ultimate loss that would show your WW what she's brought upon herself due to her own wayward behavior.........and never hit close to the thing that opens her eyes. I believe the dominoes had began to fall, right before learning that my D knew everything..... and the other kids knew. It was the slap in the face that I needed to wake up. It did not "fix" my MR. It simply woke me up to see with authentic vision the flip slide of my fantasy.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yeah I read your stitch through those threads. Sounds like each WW has a different idea of what that is. My daughters are starting to notice how she is always gone.
Today the WINO (wife in name only) and I had to be together for a girls school function at a community college. The two Ds were hugging and hanging all over me. I saw her glancing over a lot. Her loss for not being there. The kids are gravitating towards me since I am interacting with them more and being the stable always there parent for them. It used to be 50 50
We are going to get a dissolution of marriage. If we can agree. I don’t think we will. She is trying ways to get to keep the house. There is no way because she would have to refinance the property. Every attorney has told me that.
