Steve, have you read any of Brene Brown's books? Daring Greatly is phenomenal about vulnerability. The others I like are The Gifts of Imperfection, Braving the Wilderness, and I Though it Was Just Me. I'm wanting to read Dare to Lead next.
We seem to have a lot of the same issues that lead to problems in the M. Daring Greatly really is a down to earth not touchy-feely or sciency. I learned a lot about myself and I think it helps with relationships.
Just my 2
You are doing great!
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
Hello Steve85, I'm new here. That list of behaviours you've changed up there, it describes my dh's former behaviour completely. Other than the praying, lol. It gives me hope for a better marriage that you changed your behaviours like that. Since our separation my dh has mostly changed those behaviours too, with the odd blip. It makes me wonder if part of the reason he wanted to separate was to be able to change them, he did say that he wants to be the best person he can be (he seems very emotional when he says that). Maybe I will tell him about the changes I see and that I appreciate them. Hmmm. Thank you. Now to look at my own negative behaviours and work out how to improve those...
Hello Steve85, I'm new here. That list of behaviours you've changed up there, it describes my dh's former behaviour completely. Other than the praying, lol. It gives me hope for a better marriage that you changed your behaviours like that. Since our separation my dh has mostly changed those behaviours too, with the odd blip. It makes me wonder if part of the reason he wanted to separate was to be able to change them, he did say that he wants to be the best person he can be (he seems very emotional when he says that). Maybe I will tell him about the changes I see and that I appreciate them. Hmmm. Thank you. Now to look at my own negative behaviours and work out how to improve those...
dillydaf, please be very careful here. As a LBS with these behaviors, my W was understandably very leery of believing my changes. Like most WASs she thought I was just doing it temporarily to win her back.
Make sure he is really instituting changes and not just trying to keep you as his Plan B. You mention the "odd blip". I like a Dr Phil quote in these circumstances. He talks about how being critical one time undoes 1000 attaboys. Make him earn his way back. Make sure he gets professional help for his poor behaviors. I learned in therapy why I was the way I was and learned that my way isn't always the only or even the right way. Make sure he does the work before you accept his changes and real and permanent.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hello Steve85, I'm new here. That list of behaviours you've changed up there, it describes my dh's former behaviour completely. Other than the praying, lol. It gives me hope for a better marriage that you changed your behaviours like that. Since our separation my dh has mostly changed those behaviours too, with the odd blip. It makes me wonder if part of the reason he wanted to separate was to be able to change them, he did say that he wants to be the best person he can be (he seems very emotional when he says that). Maybe I will tell him about the changes I see and that I appreciate them. Hmmm. Thank you. Now to look at my own negative behaviours and work out how to improve those...
dillydaf, please be very careful here. As a LBS with these behaviors, my W was understandably very leery of believing my changes. Like most WASs she thought I was just doing it temporarily to win her back.
Make sure he is really instituting changes and not just trying to keep you as his Plan B. You mention the "odd blip". I like a Dr Phil quote in these circumstances. He talks about how being critical one time undoes 1000 attaboys. Make him earn his way back. Make sure he gets professional help for his poor behaviors. I learned in therapy why I was the way I was and learned that my way isn't always the only or even the right way. Make sure he does the work before you accept his changes and real and permanent.
Steve: I appreciate that advice very much. I'm much more aware now of my own part in that dynamic and having broken the cycle I'm hopeful that we can both learn new behaviours. If nothing else, I will learn my part and how to avoid it in future if things don't work out. Last time he was critical (because he was anxious) I first shut down and then cried. He actually said sorry and that he didn't mean to hurt me. That's big progress right there I feel. Maybe me crying wasn't the most assertive thing but it did show him how his behaviour affected me (and was more useful than my usual shut down mode). He hasn't been critical like that since actually. And he's been much better at not criticising the kids too. I can help him be less critical and he can learn to be less critical, I really don't think he'll see a therapist though. But who knows! Thank you
Due to a very busy schedule lately, and alternating illnesses, W and haven't had time for sex lately. It has been on my mind quite a bit. I know after our sitch last year that she definitely has needs that were not being met. And I want to meet those, obviously.
So the last few days she's been dropping hints left and right. Including just now on the phone.
Again, I post this to say to the LBS in the thick of their sitches....be patient. You never know what might happen. If you told me we'd be here today back on Feb. 1st 2018 I would have told you that you were smoking crack!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
