Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (3)

[ovrrnbw]

AND.....tonight W and I had an argument about she expected me to help her do something I would have done before as the H. I argued back and said she fired me as the H

Adam, if you allow her to goad you into an argument, you are showing her that she controls you, that she can get to you. Don't empower her, empower yourself. You can make your point about not being the H anymore, but don't let it go any further. And one thing I learned about avoiding these arguments was to not be home. Maybe not possible as much in your sitch as mine, but try it. And for reference, I mean not be home when I knew my W was still seeing the OM daily/weekly.

the heavy box she couldn’t lift alone, she said the way I was telling her to lift was too much, I was trying to “teach” her. I was upset saying I didn’t want her to hurt herself and was coming from a good place to help.

I vote just get it for her if you're standing right there. Texas people have good manners IMO, and that's something I'd do for a woman I didn't know. Not that I'd go out of my way but if I was standing right there. You'll probably feel better that you didn't get into a fight over it too.

So yeah my response to her was trying to come from a place standing up for myself. I’m still angry she expects me to be a certain way like I have to earn my keep or I won’t get half. The way she said it was like dangling that in my face. There was more crap she said but I kept it simple due to the length of my writing alrdy.

Don't take the bait, she knows she has you b/c you care enough about her bs and lies to respond.

This whole dishwasher deal is definitely more than just a dishwasher. She's playing games, you can rise above it.

Anyways, how dem boys doing?! I wish I had a couple boys man we'd be party animals.

[Adam04]

Thanks for the responses.

Weekend was busy. Got the house ready for picture day tomorrow and it looks really good. Saturday put in 10 long hours of moving stuff and helping the painters. Inside and outside look good and the eastern redbuds in the backyard right now look really nice. It feels really, really good to declutter and let go of all the unnecessary things we hold on to. AND the BOXES I have been hoarding are finally put back to use! I don't know if I am the only one who does that, save the boxes for certain items to put them back into later on.

Nicole, W is difficult no doubt about that. I am too though. I wonder which of us is more difficult than the other, lol. It could be me. It's been hard for me to describe my feelings about the IHS. I find myself typically saying I have been unhappy just as W has been but I remain loyal. That hinders me from 100% moving on because all my life I've been codependent on women for a lot of my happiness. From sexual intimacy to female companionship. I am happy with myself that I haven't caved in and sought attention from other women outside of my current friendships with women from work. I think this has set me back though in the way I currently am wired. I can seek male friendships but I am sort of very guarded there. I can only trust so many guys, and mostly its my day 1 friends from childhood. IHS does not allow W to feel that I am gone. She sees me every day and I am just an obstacle in her way of happiness. I don't even see her any more. Today we sat at our grand table that seats 12 with S6 and I said something to him. W looked at me and asked if I said something to her, I said no. We channel our energy and conversation to the little one. His laughter makes us laugh. And we're like two strangers to each other. Giving this awkward distance and silence.

FS, I've tried and failed miserably at trying to respond in so few words to the rejection. I've let it sit for a couple days and I think I am coming across in a way I may be oblivious to.

The agreement stemmed from when my brother and I helped her sister move out of her house she sold. My younger brother is huge and lifts weights pretty regularly as a 6'3 big ole ape guy. I'm a big guy too but with a big keg belly. I noticed her side of the family, all shorties(even the men) waiting for him to do the heavy lifting. Some of the guys would bubble wrap the drawers to the chester drawer and wait for him to move them so we both moved them. W also spent hundreds of dollars to feed the crew of ppl. The sister also had other friends helping her paint etc. We chose not to burden our friends or family. We chose to hire people or do it ourselves.

I'm a practical guy. I can give up not being her H. The guy who is coming , the fiancé, he's a good nice guy, I consider him a friend. He'll drop what he's doing to help anyone anywhere. He lives 1 hour out. My W lied about having this meeting with them and speaking to the sister, the realtor and having both men there saying they offered to help. My S11 told me she didn't go anywhere that week. They weren't even over. She might have talked to her sister thru messaging and the sister could have asked her fiancé. IF I was "replaced" as the H by a working crew we hired, why would I be more accepting of that than "putting out" friends I know? I see it as her using people, people I know.

W did the touch up painting in the house. When W got to the room and she messed up the painting there we knew we had to repaint the whole room. I told her I would help her if needed OR I got my next door neighbor to see about his guys to hire. She said hire them. I said okay. I have no issue with that.

Saturday, I moved furniture from the MBR. I folded the treadmill up against the wall and she said it will do for now. I told her if it gets moved out the room it will require me to dismantle it. She said it was fine there Saturday night. Sunday I had plans for me and my S11 to get a haircut. Early in the morning she goes to breakfast with her family. She calls and tells me her nephew is coming over to help move the treadmill. I'm like "you know its not dismantled" She sighs and says well hes coming over to help, do you want me to call him to cancel." This is another way she is controlling and expecting me to do something without running it by me. So I asked her, Does he know it will take a while to dismantle?" She said yes he will be there for 2 hours. He shows up in like 15 minutes and asks where is the thing to move. He's got his GF in the car and they are going out to eat. We had to reschedule so I asked him what my W said. He said they must have miscommunicated because he couldn't be there but maybe 5 minutes. She comes home and acts like nothing happens. I do too. Later that night I dismantled the treadmill on my own time. She asked me if it was okay to call him over now and we worked it out. That's just normal and was decent.

If I decide to help her, that's on me. She can not expect help from me. That was my whole point. If I decide to go out to eat with my sons and ask her to go along, that's on me. But she cant go out with our boys and expect me to tag along.

Last night, after I dismantled the treadmill and she felt good, she ordered food and came into the MBR asking me to take a bite from her bowl from her spoon. "It was just that good" she said. I looked at the spoon as she approached and aptly told her no thanks, I'm going to get my own plate. Guess what she did. Passive Aggressive. She got mad and yelled about something I cant even remember, some slight annoyance from S6. (I'm not even going to share straws with this woman let alone eat off her plate or use her utensil. cooties)

My W sense of entitlement is through the roof. There's more, lots more but I don't want to come here and bash on her and use this as an outlet for that. I try not to. I apologize if it comes across that way too because I know I am at fault for my own actions and I am here to try and fix that.

Your H has no right to question your decisions. Maybe its just my personal opinion, but walking away I wonder though, if you both agree to something, say if he chose to pick up the kids at a certain time and he chose not to, would be it at least decent to discuss it with you first or have you find out after the fact? Because they do one or two bad things or display bad behavior, it doesn't get them off the hook for other things. No card blanche if you will.

My W can change her mind. No qualms with that. We talk about the cashier and being nice. Having some decency to be human and not overly doing anything. That's what I am getting at too. I remember so many times I told her I would go with her to her family's house for dinner and later on that night I reneged on it and I wonder how she felt about those times.

I think many of us here struggle with how we were so hardwired to the R that completely letting go takes a while.

DV much hugs to you. Always appreciate the support. more on them definitely and less on her.

ovrrnbw, You said it. I got goaded and baited. I hate that. I'm falling off. I need to re-enroll into this. 4 months in and I feel like I am in limbo here too. I'm getting more comfortable.

Me and the boys are doing great. I'm going out with S11 for dinners. We'd go shopping together. S6 he likes when we hit the stores for his little toys. Been with S6 riding his bike with training wheels. Going to give it a little more time before I take the training wheels off. S11 and I discuss anime. Really cool stuff. He's also into basketball. We got rid of the small hoops so no bball for now. Going to start taking him jogging around the lake here. Our home where he was born... will be out of here in a few months. I'll miss this place.

Which reminds me, I need to check defacto for TX. Lawyer didn't mention that but from watching more current videos and where I thought I had enough questions, I guess I don't. need to speak to a couple more. that's next plan. Anyone know about de facto and custody rights for Texas? I'll email my lawyer I consulted with to be sure.

What are people's thoughts if I told W I wasn't leaving the new house either. Could she force me out if I'm not on the title? What does that do besides bringing IHS to the new place?

Maybe best option is to use that time for physical split and then see... Then laissez les bons temps rouler as they say next door.

[Adam04]

Weekend update:

Last week some time, W and I had our first showing on the house prior to open house and got an immediate bid for asking price. Since then, open house brought 12 couples and a few offers. Today, one visit and another offer at full. Within one week we are now looking to be out of this home sooner than we thought. I guess that's a good sign? We attribute it to the beautiful Eastern Redbuds in the back yard and our style in decor. We now have to disclose that the washer is not operational. LOL at that if we had just replaced it like we agreed.

This past Friday I asked the co worker I walk to her car out for dinner and she accepted. She doesn't know of my marital sitch. She's joked about trying to hook up with some of my engineer friends. I joked about hooking up with some of her skanky friends as side chicks, NO j/k... oh man if that happened, lol. We went as two friends from work.

We went out for an early dinner and from 5-9 we ate, drank, and just had a good time. She was really cute and we laughed the entire time talking about what seemed like everything. It was fun and light. A couple times she asked about me and my W, about the move and selling of the house. Told her there were a lot of moving pieces to that whole puzzle so I wasn't sure but everything was good. We shared dessert and had coffee. It was a king cake dessert with a little baby on it... she kept it as a memento.

The night ended at her car where she turned towards me and reached out an arm so we hugged bye. She was off to work off the food we just ate and I drove home. I brought the leftovers inside and placed it in the fridge; I barely ate but a few bites. W was on the couch and the kids in bed. We spoke on the house and shared some stories about the kids. I went to bed and the lady texts me and said she had a wonderful time. We exchanged a few texts and I left it at that.

Saturday morning, W and I had to be out the house for open house and I told W I was going to take the kids out for breakfast and asked if she wanted to come. She said she was going to take them out to the place I was going to take them so we laughed and we both went. She had S6 and I had S11. We got there and we had a nice time, small talk. We joked and laughed but I wasn't initiating like I did with the girl the night before. I was letting W lead the convo mostly and some times I would say something or joke. For the most part we were being ourselves. I wasn't like the old me. We actually talked more this time than some others. Like catching up if you will. She did acknowledge she was going to pick up a new washer afterwards, lol. I told her I was taking S11 to catch a movie. So we left after breakfast, but on this one, I didn't get a hug from the girl. A thanks for breakfast, BUT I did snatch a big hug from my S6 who went with W.

Then S11 and I were off to watch Aquaman. Yeah its late but we had the WHOLE theatre to ourselves except for two other dads and their sons. Every father/son had a whole row to themselves. The movie was awesome. We plan to see Captain Marvel when it comes out. Last night S11 was watching a new tv series with mom and she asked if I wanted to watch it with them, to share in some family time. I checked one episode out and it wasn't to my liking. I spent a few minutes with them.

Then this morning, we had another showing and had to be out. I took S6 to Chuck E Cheese. Came home and the realtor said this couple offered what we were asking for. She says she will have more offers as well so she'll discuss that with W.

It felt good. The couple also wanted our furniture and liked the look of the whole house. It also felt good that W helped with moving, also helping put some of the lights up I didn't put up, etc. She was proud to have put in the work to get the place where it was and I loved it. She was telling me stories of how she took the ladder from the garage and went up to the ceiling to replace some lights and thought we had issues with one, thinking they burnt out because the lights weren't working so she went up and down several times. Then moved on to do something else and had to come back later after realizing she was flipping on the wrong light switch. LOL, she said live and learn. Yep.

A couple hours ago... After W talked about the house we discussed possibly moving out earlier and she asked me how the apartment hunting went. Told her it was fine. Everything will be okay. She said the house will be done in another month. I told her I thought she wanted them to extend it until end of May for summer(to not move the boys from school to school so close to the end of the school year) and she said if this house sells she may move there with the kids and shuttle them every day to the school here. She said, I hope they don't catch me or I'll be in trouble.
I told her if the new people have a kid they enroll in the elementary with our address it may be a problem... She joked "we'll all be one big happy family" or some such. Dunno if she later thought that might not have been the most appropriate joke.

She couldn't look me in the eyes when asked what this will do to me and I was being mindful of many things, I said I will be fine. I have this attitude like everything is and will be fine no matter what. She offered saying I could move in with them for a while. It just ended there. I didn't shake my head or agree. I moved to the kids rooms. told her I needed to clear the attic in the hallway which was where I was at. In the hallway she was next to me and peered into the nursery and our S11 room. She said one of the couples who looked at the house was a young couple like how we were and it would be a great starter home for them. She looked at me and saw me looking into S11 room. She asked me if I was going to miss it, and I told her yeah, I was. She said she was too. She leaned into me and we both hugged for a moment. S6 saw us and ran into us to get some of that and we all hugged for a moment.

I went to the MBR and the blinds were opened. Told W and said the couple may have opened them and I had a good view of the purple flowers from the bed. Everything was moved away from the window and it was a nice, beautiful view. Told W they may have noticed the view and if she wanted to come see she could. She ended up laying next to me back turned. We were in the spoon position and we had light talk about how beautiful it was. I slowly started moving out. She was going to sleep on the couch to take a nap before going to her family's baptism. I let her sleep in the MBR to take a nap when S6 got in between us. Told him to keep his ipad down some so mom can take a nap. She only had a short time to nap and she said he was talking her ear off so she couldn't sleep, lol. He had eaten the candy he got with his tickets from Chuck E Cheese.

I talked to W after dinner about the summer and putting the boys in an after school program and she re-iterated her mom will be staying with her and agreed to help her take care of them even on my weekends and I asked if she was sure and she said yes. Both boys heard us and said they do not want to go to daycare. So MIL it is... I also think this lets her know I won't be moving in with her.

The lady from work has texted me yesterday asking how the movie went and we continued to chat throughout the day until it was bed time. Today we texted about work. My brother who I eventually told about W and I sitch also asked me how we were doing today. I told him I was planning on getting an apt near W's home. He said he was sorry. I didn't discuss any details and I told him my concern was on my health and to be there for my boys.

Throughout these weeks, I've had moments where I wanted to write them down to share but I didn't. Sometimes there felt like I had moments of clarity. Like going to breakfast with W and kids. I don't have any hidden agendas or feelings. With the girl, there isn't any strong connection physically or emotionally. I am not ready to see it that way or put emphasis on those things. There were surprise moments though when she did something or looked a certain way and I was stunned. Emotionally, we've always had the same interests and laughed. She was the one who thinks I got my W by my sense of humor. Still, for the time being she is only a friend who I don't want my sitch to complicate. I don't think she is looking and neither am I. I'm not saying she couldn't be someone I would be interested in. Just my mind is not there for now. I want to keep things separated for as long as I can. I've also hinted to her that I've had several women friends from before. All friends my W, her sister, and I know personally. Women I could have come over and we could watch a movie, women who would come over and cook up something and we break bread. When I used to work grave yard shift years back, I'd have a female friend who also was up late and I would take my W rollerblades and let the other girl rollerblade with them and we hung out. W eventually even brought this girl to her work, where she was hired with my SIL. She's a close friend of my SIL. So in many cases, also because I work in an office full of women, ratio 15 w to 1 m, I gravitate to the company of women more.

There's going to be a point where internalizing everything is just too much. Too much overthinking and not enough of just doing. Living. So lately I have just been living and trying to cope to make the best of it. And I've been happy with the results. I've had small wins with W where I noticed my attitude has changed. W would ask for my opinion on something and I would give it or say we will be okay with whatever decision we make. My overall attitude is changing because I don't feel like I am a pessimist always easily annoyed. This BD has unfortunately awakened me and I am more grateful then ever for what I consider my second chance in life.

I don't have hope for my marriage and I can still get bummed, but I know I will be okay. I am not a wreck from when I started. I can remember days within the last year I was married and I hated life. I didn't know all the whys or reasons why I got to where I was and I was miserable. My life hasn't drastically changed from all of that, but my attitude has. I think about this moment and my heart aches because I'm humbled.

I may not be doing everything DB or know the best thing to say or do, but I am learning. I'm learning to be a better person, H, and father. These 180s are taking time. Not having to rely on someone else for everything from physically doing things to fulfilling an emotional need is liberating.

6 months in, and I can say I will truly be okay. Life will go on with or without me so if I was smart, I'd better jump on that train now and be open to all life has to offer. Some sad, sure, but many more wonderful moments and memories to be had.

[ovrrnbw]

Nice update Adam.

I don't have a lot of sage advice, as your sitch is a bit different than mine. I like your independence, you're finding your own happiness, and that's all you can ask for.

Anyways, keep up the good work and take care of those boys!!!

[Adam04]

Nice update Adam.

I don't have a lot of sage advice, as your sitch is a bit different than mine. I like your independence, you're finding your own happiness, and that's all you can ask for.

Anyways, keep up the good work and take care of those boys!!!

Ovrrnbw , thanks always, really, for your comments. I always like reading your posts and you are so helpful to others and myself. You give GREAT advice brother and tremendous support to so many people, again myself included.

It may not be the most socially acceptable thing to do but right now I have both boys in MBR sleeping in this big old bed with me. Both are sound asleep after we prayed and said good night to the whole world as the ending to our prayer.

[AnotherStander]

Adam, sorry things are moving so quickly, selling the house is a big step and loaded with emotion! Hang in there and stay strong!

Regarding the friend you went out with, everything you describe sounds more like the early stages of dating rather than a "friend" scenario. Just be careful, would hate to see you or her or both get hurt because you jumped into something too soon.

[FlySolo]

Hey Adam

Fantastic update. I too am sorry that things are moving so quickly with the sale but you are handling it like a hero. Throughout this you have been slowly rebuilding whilst trying to be there for the kids. None of us is perfect, and your sitch, like all of ours, s*cks, but I hope you can see throughout it all you have maintained as much, if not more, dignity as any human can expect to maintain.

I don't have hope for my marriage and I can still get bummed, but I know I will be okay. I am not a wreck from when I started. I can remember days within the last year I was married and I hated life. I didn't know all the whys or reasons why I got to where I was and I was miserable. My life hasn't drastically changed from all of that, but my attitude has. I think about this moment and my heart aches because I'm humbled.

There is truth in this ^^^. There are days when I still cry, and days when I don't think about him at all and other days when I think with pride at how far I've come and all things I've accomplished this past year, despite the heartache and the uncertainty. This is life for us right now. It will get better.

I may not be doing everything DB or know the best thing to say or do, but I am learning. I'm learning to be a better person, H, and father. These 180s are taking time. Not having to rely on someone else for everything from physically doing things to fulfilling an emotional need is liberating.

Db is not only a tool to try and save our M, they are also tools to allow us to mentally step away from the emotional rollercoaster our spouses create. It gives us time, and with time, perspective. We need to detach and rebuild our lives so we know that we learn that there is life after our spouses. That the world will not end and we will not die. It is a mental (and physical) stepping away from our spouse so that we can look at our M and our future objectively. The work has started for you, but the physical separation may be what you need to really examine your marriage away from the energies you both create and the many ghosts you two share.

It may not be the most socially acceptable thing to do but right now I have both boys in MBR sleeping in this big old bed with me. Both are sound asleep after we prayed and said good night to the whole world as the ending to our prayer.

There are not many nights when D9 does not end up in my bed though she always starts out in her own bed. I know that she does not even make a pretense of starting in her bed when at her dads. She just gets straight into his bed at bedtime . When H first left, D12 too use to come into bed with me. They need reassurance that we are still there. I try not to encourage or discourage, believing instead that one day she will start consistently sleeping in her own bed once again.

I would heed AS warning. Whilst the dinner could be a seen just like any dinner between two friends, the near constant texting sounds more like the early stages of courtship. Be sure this is what you want because if not, someone is bound to get hurt.

FS

[Adam04]

Adam, sorry things are moving so quickly, selling the house is a big step and loaded with emotion! Hang in there and stay strong!

Regarding the friend you went out with, everything you describe sounds more like the early stages of dating rather than a "friend" scenario. Just be careful, would hate to see you or her or both get hurt because you jumped into something too soon.

Thank you AS for the encouragement to hang in there.

Today, W discussed the options on the buyers and I listened and chose one so now we have the ball rolling. She discussed a possible contingency with temp leasing. I agreed and she brought up that I can move in the new house for a while if the funds are tight. I didn't say anything. I've decided to be unfazed and show her that nothing of our sitch is bothering me.

As for this coworker. I understand the concern and will tread lightly. I basically like the female companionship without her knowing of my problems. Felt good to get away for a few hours and talk it up.

[Adam04]

FS,

Thank you for chiming in with the support. Yeah, things are going to be crazy in the next month and a half.

when I think about my past and who I want to be, it's hard to articulate and put my feelings into words, or words that make sense... A lot of my feelings feel fragmented and I'm still broken. It's like a dark, dirty truth that I feel I need much more work to be done. I keep seeing Sandi's words about having self respect and values. I don't want to live in fear or become weakened by it.

I was so much more with so much less.

W and I were so young and we paved our own way for so long...

Now it seems like it was just a matter of time before we ended up here. I feel like Lotso on Toy Story...

FS, just have to say you an are amazing person. I really appreciate your kind words and even the ones that make me think. It's good to see things from different perspectives.

As you mention DB, today I had such a busy Monday at work that I don't think there was a moment I thought about W in the negative or where I was lost in thought. I really want people to know it will be better no matter the outcome. But they can't wait. I don't know what it is. They have to go through their own journey but they have to want it. They have to want to be happy alone. I see so many posts about LBS still wanting to be happy with the WAS. I feel sad, I know that yearning. I also know that fear.

I know I am not out of the woods yet. This is a cycle. Once I'm alone in my apartment when the kids are with her, I will try to fill my time, my void with other stuff to do. Then I will cycle again. We'll see how strong I am then and how quickly I'll bounce back. Then there will be the D papers... And how would I react to being served and going through it. SO I know there is much to come. I must temper myself for it. If/when it happens I know I will be okay.

S11 sleeps in his own room except S6 loves to sleep with me. He begs S11 to sleep with us so S11 has been doing that, second night now. And its 10:30 so I better make sure they are asleep.

[AnotherStander]

Today, W discussed the options on the buyers and I listened and chose one so now we have the ball rolling. She discussed a possible contingency with temp leasing. I agreed and she brought up that I can move in the new house for a while if the funds are tight. I didn't say anything. I've decided to be unfazed and show her that nothing of our sitch is bothering me.

That all sounds fine. I just wanted to add a quick comment that while getting out of the house can be emotionally draining, in the long run it's probably the best scenario. My brother dug in his heels and refused to leave their big house when he and his ex got D'd. They've been D'd for 10 years or so and that house has been an albatross around his neck. He's deeply in debt because of the big bills and property taxes and basically stuck there because he can't afford to fix it up to sell and he's upside down on the mortgage thanks to cash-out refi's. Just do what you can to live within your means, we've been through enough without adding financial woes on top of everything else!