You seem to be handling her family well. Just remember to be careful. Blood is thicker than water. I still have a relationship with the ex-inlaws, but we do not talk about XW or the D. They are now just good friends
Thanks TF, I have been taught very early in life that blood is indeed thicker than water. I've had some very tough lessons from that. I've got a very impulsive, hard headed brother. I've fought friends as a kid because I had to stand up for him vs them when it was his fault. I have an expectation that families stick up for their own no matter what.
I know whatever I say or bring up, it will find its way to W and I don't want that to happen. I'm not trying to convince the inlaws to hear my side. It's a juggling act though for sure. The older SIL had been sharing some of her issues with the new R and I have to be careful saying how I understand from my own relationship issues.
I'm still angry, hurt, upset, and disgusted with the way things happened with W. At the same time, I need to be the best me while standing for the MR. A lot of it is walking this journey alone, if you will. There is no one I can share my day with or confide in like I used to with her. I'm still trying to find me, trying to balance this all out.
TF, my in laws have always been super close and super kind. They love my boys and will pick them up on their days off and spend time with them, taking them out and doing things with them. I chose my BIL who is my friend as the godfather of my older son, and the youngest SIL as godmother to my younger son.
It's strange... the older SIL I was chilling with the last couple days is married to a guy who has 2 boys. They live right next to the xW so the boys can travel back and forth easily. The H is friends with his xW's H and last night the xW new H gave 4 basketlball tickets to the old H, my SIL new H. Was near courtside and they all had a good time. I'll also say it here again, SIL goes on vacation with her xH and his new W as well for the kids.
Last couple of weeks I've taken my boys out to eat and ask W along, which she hasn't declined a free meal yet. Tonight is no exception. She told me about her problems with the new house, her work, and we talked and I validated. We went out for Tex Mex and had a couple of margaritas.
We discussed more things about the house with the negotiations and looking at what needed to be fixed. We agreed there for the most part on everything.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Adam, I don't really have much to offer other than to say it sounds like you are doing great! You're keeping focused on yourself and your kids and being an awesome dad. Your posts don't have a lot about W in them anymore. Even asking W along for meals sounds fine, as long as it's something you and the kids are doing whether she goes or not then it's not really pursuit. Everything sounds spot-on, just keep it going!
I know whatever I say or bring up, it will find its way to W and I don't want that to happen. I'm not trying to convince the inlaws to hear my side. It's a juggling act though for sure. The older SIL had been sharing some of her issues with the new R and I have to be careful saying how I understand from my own relationship issues.
This is very wise Adam. It must be difficult to stay vigilant and not let your feelings or thoughts "slip" when talking to SIL. I'm sure it would feel great in the moment to have someone to commiserate with, but you're right to try to keep it private.
Originally Posted by Adam04
I'm still angry, hurt, upset, and disgusted with the way things happened with W. At the same time, I need to be the best me while standing for the MR. A lot of it is walking this journey alone, if you will. There is no one I can share my day with or confide in like I used to with her. I'm still trying to find me, trying to balance this all out.
This is one of the hardest parts, isn't it? Just missing the feeling of having your "other half". I never liked that phrase because I don't think people complete one another. I really do think we' are all whole within ourselves. But having someone who understands the nuances of your day and life is such a great experience, and you can't just replace that. It's hard. Good on you for working through it with awareness.
AS, Nef, Ovr, and Yail, thanks for the comments and support.
This past Friday, buyer agreed to closing price and W texted me at work about it and said she was relieved. I waited until my break time to text. I told her awesome news, glad she was relieved, must have been stressful. Then she texted me asking if she was insensitive. I told her no, didn’t really understand what she meant. She said she was worried about me. I told her given our situation that comes with the territory so I can see why she would feel that way. I told her I was going to be okay. She said she just wanted to let me know she cares and loves me and didn’t want to be insensitive. I didn’t respond back. Later she asked me to sign some papers and I did and that was it.
Saturday I was heading to look at apartments and she had a meeting at the new house. We took the kids out to eat in that area and they went with her. I saw two, got applications and went home. It took a few hours. Wasn’t feeling good so rested. Back has been achey. Sunday it took a while to research the crime rates , compare the two places , look at the zoning , and talked to W about the schools for the kids.
I picked a place with older people, wasn’t gated, but the place is towards the back facing outside towards the woods. I now am thinking I should have chosen one towards the inner courtyard for safety concern. I got 2bedrooms , one for the kids to share. They don’t have alarms. Been forever since I’ve lived in an apartment so will need to adjust. It does have a fireplace and it’s affordable. Will call the office to see if I can get the one facing the inner court.
W has been temp checking me a lot this weekend initiating a lot of small touching. I didn’t put much stock into it. Felt like she was doing this out of guilt or that she sees the finish line ahead.
Haven’t been feeling well. Back been achey like coming down with something and mild coughing. Slept early last night and feel better.
From all of this, I will make it and I will make the best of it.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Sorry to hear you are feeling bad! Hope you are better soon. If you need a good alarm system for your apt. check out Ring, I installed one in my house a few months ago and it works fantastic. It comes with screws and sticky pads, so you can install it using the sticky pads in an apartment and remove it when you leave without having to patch any holes or anything.
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W has been temp checking me a lot this weekend initiating a lot of small touching. I didn’t put much stock into it. Felt like she was doing this out of guilt or that she sees the finish line ahead.
Yes I imagine it's a little of both. It usually happens when they realize they are going to get their way and don't have to treat you like the "bad guy" anymore.
Not a whole lot has happened over the last week or so. At some point when I was getting the apartment I was telling myself this is as real as it gets. Wednesday, yesterday we signed over the house and the money is in the bank. Leasing the house until mid April.
Yesterday, when I got home from work, W asked if we could talk. And I said sure, what's up. She said she wanted to talk about us, and I paused. She said something about she was thinking about going forward and the next plans. I asked so does this mean you want to draw a separation agreement or talk about divorce? She said no, she didn't see that but liked how I had been over the last few weeks and can see herself with me, BUT she felt like the physical separation would be good for us. For her to see how she felt. She said something about moving on.
When my W said she needed this time to see where we were at, I let her know I was not waiting around. The conversation didn't last long and I remembered to keep my responses short but I cant remember it word for word. I said something like everything from the last 7 months made things way more complicated, its not that simple any more. A lot has happened and its a lot to process. I told her I agreed with her that we should move on.
I still cant sleep well at nights, bed feels hard to sleep on. Just thinking about the day to day stuff. I think about my kids a lot.
And yesterday I told my W that S6 doesn't know. She said she understood and I asked her to at least think about what she will tell him when we do separate. She said she will.
This morning we had a small talk. It was about last night/yesterday. She said she got it that I was being nice because I had moved on. For the last few weeks I was being care free with the kids and around her. She said she could see her working it out with this version of me and not the one who always accused her of doing something.
I said in 7 months I'm sure you still have the find my phone off "out of principle." In the last year, she's woken up in the mornings 3am due to work or something else, but when it came to the divorce, she can fall sound asleep. She said she wasn't going to defend her sleep habits and how do I know she was not "bothered" by what was happening between us. I almost lost it when she said bothered as if the D was only some small irritation or trouble to her. I told her I was disgusted with the way this all happened and if she wanted out she could have taken a different approach.
I don't like the extra conversation I had with her this morning.
I thought this might happen but didn't know how it would go down. One of the last things Sandi mentioned to me months ago was that when we separate I'd need to convey to W that this separation wasn't just due to circumstance. I think some of what led to my convo with W was driven by that. I didn't know how to navigate around putting blame on W. I didn't see any way around it at the time except to not have the convo with her at all.
Have a busy month. A lot of overtime on the weekends, and the move... I did take a couple of female friends out to try a Brazilian café last Saturday. Both good friends and loved it. One will take her husband out to try it. The other friend from work I don't talk to as much or often. We talk about Game of Thrones though and share some other interests.
Send me the 2x4s, that talk this morning went left and was not needed. The one yesterday however felt like it was needed. I don't plan to have more of them. I'm ready for the move and to get settled into this new life.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Few days ago I came across my first Anti-MWD article. I wasn't sure how to process it. Read it and didn't agree with it. Made me think for a minute though that when I was reading DR and coming here, this new process was something I wanted to stick with and learn, still learning. Still working on.
The thing I took away from reading the article was that I wanted to have some grace and dignity when I look back at this whole experience. I'm sure there are other support groups out there that provide a different avenue for those looking to expose the WAS and emphasize the blaming. I guess what I find as inner strength the blogger didn't.
Been thinking about trying to keep it classy. Also still watching videos. More videos now on no contact or minimal contact with children involved. I have made some mistakes in this process but ones I've tried to learn from. Like the last convo with W. I didn't like how I was trying to say I was done. If there is a next time she brings up R talk, I'll be pleasant and listen. Say I'll need time to think about things and leave it at that. No blame. She alrdy knows. I don't want to be angry and latch onto anything and use it to let her have it.
I do want to be as attractive and confident as I can be around her at all times. This means even when she is temp checking me or testing me, I should know what to do. This is where that balance in emotion comes in. Need to quickly differentiate when she is being disrespectful and addressing that on the spot to letting her talk her mess and then validating and moving on. My life is moving on.
Yesterday when I got home, W asked me "So what do you want to do with the boys and their school?" We plan to keep them in the same school until the end of school year. Currently we live like 5 minutes away from their school. When we move to the next town over, there's going to be some traffic involved. Moving out April 18th so W was planning to drop them off every day and pick them up. I told her I would like for both of us to get settled first and then to start a routine as quickly as possible for them so they will start getting used to it. She said she agreed and would start dropping them off at school and picking them up every day and she already talked to her boss about leaving early to do that. I told her that was not what I meant. I was meaning once we are settled in, as in I get the kid's room ready soon with their beds, I'm going to drop them off and pick them up on my weeks and we alternate weeks. We'll wake up extra early so we have time for drop off and going in to work (we as in me and the boys waking up extra early). She said Oh and gave me a look. I told her for now let's just see about getting settled in, a lot is going to be in the air. Maybe she didn't think I was serious about the 50/50 starting this soon. We'll see what works for our boys if 1 week is too long without either parent. Maybe a day in the middle of the week for dinner with the other parent as suggested by R2C I believe.
I need to get the boys' room ready. I get the apartment on the 8th and we are leaving this house on the 18th so I have some room to buy new beds. BUT she is going on her vacation with her sisters the week before the 18th. I've probably said that several times now. I'll make it work. Then I have 3 Saturdays coming up I'm working overtime. The Saturday before the 18th my BIL offered to help watch them while I'm at work so that's helpful.
The shuffling will start soon. I plan to show nothing but good vibes. R2C if you read this I saw one of your posts about forgiveness. I read up on it the other night.
For the most part I am at peace. When I reflect back alot of it is focus on me and how I see myself. It's what I want to change in how I act or what I say and the things I do.
8 months will be coming up and it kinda feels like yesterday since BD.
As for how I feel about going forward. I'm taking it day by day. Not lonely anymore. Haven't felt that in a few months I think. Hard to remember a timeline. Haven't taken any notes while living with W.
My plan when we settle in on the 50/50 split is to keep it positive. Be upbeat in dealing with her. We keep it to the kids. I'll be nice, friendly. Not cold or mean. Definitely not pursuing. That has died a while back. I will keep my emotions in check. I think somewhere deep down I will always want some sort of truth and I know I will never get it. Apart from the kids, I think this is what I'll have to control my emotions on. Anyways, won't get hung up on it, but that's what will be in the back of my mind opposed to pining about us being together.
I haven't GAL lately. That will come in time. I imagine when I do as with dating, it will help with detachment more. For now though, I think I am okay. There is much to be done with the move and trying to provide some stability for the kids.
Just checking in to share a little. I'm reluctant to say I have detached to where I want to be. I notice when people say that, they usually aren't yet. Do we really know where we're at with our ever-changing feelings? It'll come in time. I saw Steve comment about this and compared it to the stock market, saying if we were trending up, its going in the right direction. I'll see. I am happy with some of the slight changes I've made in my behavior overall but too soon to tell.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Was near courtside and they all had a good time. I'll also say it here again, SIL goes on vacation with her xH and his new W as well for the kids.