I think it's normal. Everyone is searching high and low for that one nugget of information (we call silver bullet) that is going to fix their sitch (stop the pain) or at minimum help them understand why this is happening to them.
I'm not sure DBing has been working for me the last 6 months. I feel its been digging me deeper in the hole. Im probably not doing it correctly...The distance, silence, awkwardness has grown so great, and there are so many wrong things I did on my wife's list. Some exaggerative, some legitimate.
Robert, this is clearly not working for you or your relationship with your W. Would you consider taking a different approach? I think you need to let go of trying to make your W feel some loss, or make her feel anything. Let's focus on Robert's well being.
This may sound as if I am contradicting my original advice, but bottom line of DBing is to do what works. Therefore, I purpose you stop trying to follow the 37 rules........b/c you struggle finding balance with them. Lots of newcomers exaggerates the rules. I just feel this is an area of pressure and it tends to work against your mood swings. This is the first time I have ever told someone (who was not reconciling/piecing) to drop the 37 rules.
Stop trying to isolate yourself from your W. It's okay to talk to her and be in the same room. You don't have to act mad, cold, or give her the silent treatment. Just be yourself. Relax and be yourself. Let go of the pressure of DBing. Know what I mean?
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It really is me that runs hot and cold because im healing from trust issues for having to sell the house, divide family, and her point out all my short comings, but she recognizes few of her own.
That's very true for most couples who are having MR problems. When she points out your shortcomings, just nod your head. But don't throw back in her face some of her shortcomings.......b/c this only perpetuates the negative feelings within the MR.
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I am going to emotional regulation therapy. I am very normal considering all the crises in my life. Not bi polar, just emotional, and very expressive, slightly dramatic person to people i an close with. Just started going to CBT therapy for potential boarderline BPD. I journal and capture my thoughts and states now. I was noticing that sometimes irritability and negative thoughts hit at certain times, when I am hungry, frustrated, overwhelmed, or compulsively thinking about. M, multiple issues, lack of sleep, etc....( Been sleeping 4 hrs a night for 3 years, not by choice) finances, projects, place to live, career change, time, deadlines, etc...
Now this is a proactive step in seeking a healthier emotional/mental life. I applaud you, and want to encourage you to march forward on this pathway.
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My wife's birthday is coming up on the 27th. This is an area that I've neglected over the last couple years as far as thoughtfulness and presents, having poor excuses for either lack of time, thoughtfulness, money, effort, etc. So I'm 180ing that. Just looking for opinions on whether I should attend bday party at MIL or not, and get her a small gift and card wishing her well for future hopes and dreams of hers. Nothing big or grandiose. Just thoughtful and platonic. MIL/FIL loves me unconditionally. Might be good to attend for sake of my son, on other hand, don't want to "play family" if still seperating. Maybe emotionally healthier for me if I don't attend, but plan, cake, small gift and card.
Ordinary I don't encourage it, but in your situation I say do what you want to do.....and have zero expectations.
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When I spend time with our son in the house, sometimes we barely talk. Sometimes it feels awkward to me and sometimes the silence doesn't bother me at all. I usually take these moments to actually do my own thing, and avoid her all together. (Small house)
It's not healthy. Stop avoiding her. I'm not telling you to pursue her, just stop purposely avoiding her. And, spend more time with your son.
To summarize, I have the following suggestions:
1. Don't change up the bedrooms again. Stay in the MBR. 2. Stop trying to follow the 37 rules, since you have trouble balancing. 3. Don't purposely act on something to cause your W to feel loss. Give up that job. 4. Stop avoiding your W and sacrificing precious time with your son. 5. Cease fire. Try to live in peace with your W.
Last edited by Cadet; 03/20/1906:18 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi. Im going to take the pressure off of both of us, be even tempered, answer any logistical questions necessary, and try to be more present, plesant, and spontaneous. Good advice.
Question? Do most people here check this forum and everyone's situation daily, like in the morning? On lunch break and at night? I think im spending way too much time on these boards reading everyone else's ditch, for relation. Is this common or normal, or am I exhibiting compulsive behavior? Been doing this for 6 months, and feel need to put the subject down for a little and GAL more with little time I do have.
IHC, I was here all the time during my sitch. Read my early threads and you will see minutes between posts. These forums let me vent and air my thoughts and feelings without being tempted to call her or text her or email her. I would say be here as much as you have to be to prevent yourself from doing things damaging to your sitch. And reading other people's sitches is a perfectly fine activity!
Last edited by Cadet; 03/20/1906:49 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You are getting great advice , I’m a newbie, so all I can say is smile and stay strong keep going, you can do it buddy , I’m rooting for you Robert be the man only a fool would leave !!
Last edited by Cadet; 03/20/1908:20 PM. Reason: Link
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
