She is not WW she is WAS. I was going to post in great detail what transpired over the last 48 hrs here. Just to get some more outside observers opinions. But for right now.... Any guys here enjoying the fundamentals of the MGTOW movement?
Can anyone here recommend any really good books or ebooks on developing your emotional intelligence especially in relationships and marriages or separations in our situations? There is a strong possibility that I am borderline personality disorder and I will be possibly getting diagnosed I'm working on skill building class for myself whether it's for the future with my wife or without her. I want to get better with responding rather than reacting.
I'm starting to realize that all throughout my life my toneality, volume control, mindset, and emotional regulation and presentation, as well as empathy have been very faltered and limited. I was never really great at picking up social cues unless I was outside my own head and self-centeredness . I would like to get better at learning and also putting this into practice since this issue has probably caused all my relationships and my current marriage to fall apart over the years.
People always told me at times I've had a chip on my shoulder I thought I've gotten better at it over the years ago with all the stress and frustration in my current life what's monetary spousal familial and my own abilities and limits to them, this is something I really would like to 180 on it, and build my awareness.
I have been compulsively checking everyone's replies and the newcomers section every day here and I'm learning a lot I need to start writing it down and put it into practice more. I've been reading the validation and Boundary section for months and I think it's finally starting to set in or at least conceptually. How they are used, what they're for and what effects they have.
Sandi's 37 rules list is great for the WW.
We need to develop a list here on developing good values.
I'm starting to realize that all throughout my life my toneality, volume control, mindset, and emotional regulation and presentation, as well as empathy have been very faltered and limited. I was never really great at picking up social cues unless I was outside my own head and self-centeredness . I would like to get better at learning and also putting this into practice since this issue has probably caused all my relationships and my current marriage to fall apart over the years.
Hi IHCLACS
My S13 has Aspergers Syndrome and the collection of traits you wrote here pretty much sums up his main difficulties. I suggest you google it and see if more match. Knowledge is power!
Last edited by lusa; 02/23/1903:41 PM.
LBH 47 WW 47, M 15 T 18 D 11 S 14 BD, I moved out (duped) Jan 18 3 yr EA with ex-H discovered: Feb 18 I moved back in: Aug 18 (against her wishes) ...No R No M/C, continued limbo, dropping the rope!
Ok here is a such for everyone. W and I only talk about priorities, and child over the last month. A couple of times I've brought up some self awareness, semi-relationship questions over last few weeks, which she's briefly goes into with me, then shuts down. Ok. Now I'm pulling all the way back and not initiating any convo unless it has to do with S or Priorities, finances, etc. However, over the weekend my W and son contracted the flu. So I was running around taking care of them both in the house for whatever they needed to recuperate, vitamins, teas, etc, now that both are feeling a little bit better, and she is somewhat back on her feet, but is home with S, here is my convo from yesterdays, and today's text. Not sure if im going overboard with this since both are recovering, but it seems like cake eating to me. She is WAW, not WW. Currently IHS. Other than how was your day it's typically business as usual.
She sent me a picture of our S drinking his bottle yesterday, I inquired if he was feeling better, fever broke so he's good. Asked W to make a small list for groceries for S for me to pickup. Here is convo from yesterday into today. It's amazing how they reach out to you when they need something from you, or need you for something like you are still their husband.
W: All snuggled on the couch for our morning baba Me: That's cute how is he feeling and how is his temperature today? W: He seems slightly better, low grade fever at 100, and very cuddly... but doesn't not feel hot like last Night Me: Well that's a sign of relief. W: Spoke to pediatrician, said to keep him home and keep doin all we are already doing. Me: That's good Me: The rest of Jack's laundry and bedding in the dryer in case you need it. (Even before she caught the flu she was neglecting to put this stuff away which made it harder on me to dress him, have appropriate clothes available, and keep clean bedding. I freaked out on her about such recently,,but then try to emotionally remove myself, and address the situation and how his needs needs and convenience need to be met first. It's been an ongoing struggle for the last year for her to keep the bottles clean and ready as laundry prepared) W: Ok thanks W: Coconut milk Coconut water Saltines Apple juice, organic OJ Hershey's kisses
Me: Why the Hershey kisses? W: Because I just got my appetite back ... and my period. Me: Yeah... I understand the why....But that is something a husband would get for his wife... Me: You fired me as that... Remember?... W: I didn't fire you, just a suspension Me: Haha...okaaayy...lol...So until I get my "privileges" restored... I don't have to perform any husbandly obligated duties 😉 😁 W: Ok Me: There might still be a few on my window sill next to your V Day card. You're welcome to have them if there are any there. W: That's ok
Today W: Any chance you're willing to pick up a sick note from the doctor for me? If not, I need yo run over as soon as you're home.
I see why you made a stand on the kisses. However, I would suggest you consider getting the sick note for her. Remember, no matter your sitch, it is never time to be unkind.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
W: Coconut milk Coconut water Saltines Apple juice, organic OJ Hershey's kisses
Seems like there's something missing before this, is this a grocery list of things she asked you to pick up? If so then why draw a line in the sand over the kisses? Seems a little petty.
The grocery list was relevant to our son. Since she initially wanted me to move down to the basement, and I was sleeping in the guest room a month ago. She proposed that we buy our own groceries and divide up the refrigerator either upstairs in the kitchen shared area or I use the mini fridge in the basement. I took over the MBR after a month and had her move into the guest room after offering her to either stay or move into the guest room. We have still been sharing our food of what we both purchase and contribute, and both cook for one another, but that might change next month. She's staging for a separate life in the house. in other words she's practicing for the single mom life other than the interactions with and for the needs of our son. So again since we split everything down the middle with finances I only offer to pick up what was needed for him, she added the Hershey Kisses to the list because she had her period and was craving chocolate. I bought them anyway but I didn't give them to her yet. Can you see how that would be cake eating she wants me to act like her husband when it suits her needs, but then she doesn't want to talk to me other than for practicality reasons and treat us like we are separated. Can anyone see or understand how that would be cake eating? I would typically never be that petty over something like that, even for just a friend, but it needed to be addressed out of principle
My wife who is a kind thoughtful generous and considerate soul, was always a typical have your cake and eat it too person in the marriage. She always complained about me not having the time to wrap up my projects as well as myself but she also always wanted to go out and do sociable things with people all the time and break priorities. In other words she has no discipline at least from my point of view. But she thinks she does everything when it comes to division of labor. From my point of view from what I see she dusts and sweeps for 20 minutes on a weekend and that's all she does and she's lucky she cleans the dishes and puts her own and my sons laundry away. Everything is always a mess with her around the house with the kid, and she doesn't even pick up after him. I'm lucky I've had five meals on the dining room table in the last 3 years with all her stuff she piles on it. I'm not one to talk though I have a lot of stuff hanging around the basement in the yard area with all the open-ended the projects of mine. but I've always said this to her about her personality that she always wants to have her cake and eat it too she always wants the best of both worlds without the sacrifice or commitment
I guess living with her and either one of us putting up with both of our habits are bad habits is not going to matter six months to a year from now once I get the project completed and the house put on the market and sold and we go off into our own apartments into our own separate lives. a part of me is going to miss her and the other part of me is actually looking forward to living by myself as I've never done that before and I need things a certain way and where the function do to my forgetful nature. Even though we are just separating I don't think she has any intentions of divorce, we both have tried to clean up our sides of the street but it never seems to appease each other so I'm actually looking forward to just taking care of myself for a while in the future. We both have a lot of work to do psychologically and physically. I'm in decent shape but I want to start working out and getting bus and enjoying more things of my own life and getting more organized so I don't have to deal with all the stress. I stopped cleaning up after her and things keep getting piled up around the house but she is doing herself now just when she wants to
Steve 85. I was reading one of your piecing articles the other day and I saw a list of how to make a WAW/WW feel a loss and consequence and hit it hard. But not in a manipulative manner. In another word for every action they take away from the marriage they need to feel a consequence. What are some good examples of that during an IHS? I stopped doing her dishes and cleaning up her messes, I stopped picking up things for her at the grocery store. She actually decided to charge me for dinner when she order it out one night, after she asked me what would I like to order. I wouldn't do something like that but that's just me. But I paid her anyway. Otherwise I eat my own food now. I'm actually to a point where I figure if it's going to be this Petty, and I'm not getting anything out of it anyway. I might as well pull the trigger on the D. Sorry to hijack your thread Anthony
IHC, decided to move your question here.
The problem with trying to answer this is that it really depends on the couple and the situation. For instance, in my limbo period (we never did a real IHS) my wife was wayward. She wanted to move out and get a D, but wanted me to keep the house, for my D to live with me, and for us to occasionally play "family". I told her that I was selling the house, we'd split the proceeds, and that I would move in with a friend of mine. She didn't like that. So for her a loss was her D being uprooted from her home, and spending part time at my WW's new apartment, and my buddy's house.
Losses are big. Losses are little. I think you are doing a lot right with you not being her maid.
Sorry I can't give you a better answer. Unfortunately sometimes the WAS won't feel loss until after D.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
