Clinging to Hope

[Ready2Change]

I think you should take the agreement he gave you to a different lawyer for them to review to make sure you and your D6 aren’t being shortchanged.

Agree.

H"W, Bla bla bla bla divorce paper worker bla bla bla"
W:"I still need more time to review the details"
H:"Bla bla bla bla bla"
W:"I understand you feel that way. I will let you know when I have finished"

[hope2019]

@DejaVu6

It's so weird. He keeps claiming he is emotionally broken (pressure from work, his family and then our marriage) caused this but funny enough the only thing he cut was our marriage. He keeps claiming he is having a breakdown and his behavior is certainly normal for him, but then it never has been normal in that sense, he and I have always been very different.

His brother sued him about 18 months ago and he claimed he would never talk to him again but after less than 6 months he was missing him, within a year they were talking a little and now they are like best buds again (this brother hates me btw).


I am starting to think he is trying to keep me happy to make this a smooth process. I really don't think he is having an affair, although the staying out etc and lots of things to hint at it, my gut feeling is that he isn't, but then his ring came off one day after BD and he has been travelling since pretty much and now he is home for a period of time there is absolutely zero contact.

I honestly think he wants to make sure he doesn't screw up his own future IF he realizes this is a mistake as it was such an impulsive decision he made. Which makes me a second choice and I do not want to be anyone's second choice. With the emotionally broken bs he claimed he was going to continue to see the IC and this time apart and need for the divorce so quickly was because he needs to be completely on his own to find himself again.... he has seen the IC once in the past month, I questioned it last week and he said he didn't have time. I think that helped me move forward, knowing that him fixing himself suddenly wasn't a priority.

I guess there's something humbling in knowing that while I feel awful now and this process is truly taking its toll, everything from suicidal thoughts to severe depression, I will get through it, and him avoiding it just means it will hit him hard one day.

Stuck in the IHS until august.... I used to be happy about that, like if he could see enough changes in me he might come back. Now it just feels like torture, I will continue to improve who I am, not for him to come back but for myself (and get a small kick out of knowing he will realize he has lost even more than he originally thought).

Going for a run now...between my IC and my feelings right now, anxiety is high. I just came so close to calling/texting him but for once talked myself out of it.


for the Vets....should I be doing LRT or NC at this point?

[DejaVu6]

(((HOPE))) "Broken" is EXACTLY the word my XH used to describe himself. Also that he was breaking down... driving to the crisis clinic crying the whole way there... also said he would be going to an IC and did for a short period of time. Honestly, I think what he was struggling with is whether or not the OW was worth all of the pain and shame he would feel once his secret was out. Possibly he was undecided between the two of us for a bit but he did everything he could to sabotage his feelings for me long before he met her so it is a moot point. My friend said it best... "Try to think of what you've lost...and when nothing comes to mind, move on." Yep...that's the extent of it. Keep focusing on GAL and building your PMA. Don't worry what he is going to do. The more you do, the less likely your marriage will be saved... but if you take the advice here...you may still not save your marriage but you will DEFINITELY save yourself. (((HUGS)))

[hope2019]

Just an update for today. - pretty long (sorry)

- really struggling to do the happy, nice part of LRT. I seem to get stuck in cold and no contact so really need to work ok that.

Came home last night to discover he has booked yet another trip, left this morning until Sunday for another weekend in Vegas. It really rubbed me the wrong way. After all his claims of fixing himself and needing this divorce and time apart to work on himself and not be emotionally broken , all he is doing is burying his head in the sand and going on as many trips as possible to pretend it isn’t all happening.

We made each other a promise at the beginning of all this that we would be honest with each other if anything changed. After achieving a lot of soul searching and realizations yesterday I went to speak with him and told him that things had changed for me. He was no longer the man I loved, I missed that man and has hope he would get back to that but actions speak louder than words and his actions lately shows otherwise.

I let him know that my opinion had changed and that I had hope for us fixing things based off the work I am doing to myself, the realization that I had a breakdown 2.5 years ago that neither of us realized and that I no longer needed him as the past month showed but that I simply wanted him, old him. I explained that the moment the divorce papers are signed by the judge I am done and there will be absolutely no hope for us. He took this by surprise. I think in his mind he has been in control of this, and I was a good second choice but knowing now that there would be no coming back he really has to consider whether he wants to go ahead with this. I told him we do have options, we could do a structured separation and agree to what that includes (IC, CC, date nights etc). I firmly and kindly explained that we can still hope those options now and could pause things to think about them but again if he goes ahead with the divorce that hope will go to zero. As to me that divorce will be something I couldn’t forgive him for and I wouldn’t be able to trust him. It was a good conversation. Not DB in anyway shape or form but still a good and needed conversation to understand where we each are. His constant running away isn’t helping anyone.

This morning he text me from the airport and said I’m sorry for all the crappy decisions I’m making lately. I guess I’m trying to be out of sight, out of mind. I don’t have much to say but will think about what you said last night.

It doesn’t give me any expectations, or hope but I feel at peace knowing I have given us a deadline. Should that divorce become final then I can fully move on, and not have to live in his weird limbo of when is he coming back, if he does. I think I needed that.

He comes home Monday, D6 is away with her bio dad until the folllowing Sunday. As he has said so many times that he hasn’t had a chance to miss me, what are the thoughts on me going away for the week (stay in a friends spare room) leaving a note saying, needed some time and space please feed the pets, and then being away for 5 or 6 nights. I would hope it will help reality set in for him that he can’t just keep going on these trips and maybe he will then have an opportunity to miss me and not just be distracted by another trip. I’m lost on this one.

[AnotherStander]

what are the thoughts on me going away for the week (stay in a friends spare room) leaving a note saying, needed some time and space please feed the pets, and then being away for 5 or 6 nights. I would hope it will help reality set in for him that he can’t just keep going on these trips and maybe he will then have an opportunity to miss me and not just be distracted by another trip. I’m lost on this one.

My thoughts are it won't make a difference. 5 or 6 days of you not being there will have no impact on him. If you are doing it for YOU then that's OK, but don't do it because you're hoping it'll "wake him up". There is no magic pill, it's going to take him many months or even years to come out of the fog.

[DejaVu6]

Hope... my advice to you would be to slow down. Most of what you are doing is based solely on your emotions. I would take a step back if I were you and just breathe. Deadlines = pressure and pressure is a MR killer at this stage. Trust me. Been there, done that. It does not work. Only give him a deadline if it is something you are sure you want to do for you.

Re: the trip to Vegas. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I highly doubt he is going alone. Be prepared to find out there is an OW in the picture. Sorry.

My STBXH and I made lots of promises to be honest with one another. Only one of us meant it. He swore on our children's lives there was no OW. It was just more lies. They will say anything to keep from looking like the bad guy and facing the consequences of their actions. ANYTHING.

Re: going to a friends for five days... If you think that will help you detach, then definitely go. But don't go with the hope that it will bring him back to you. Zero expectations.

I feel for you Hope. I have been where you are and it is the worst feeling in the world. It will get better. I promise!!!

(((HUGS)))

[Ready2Change]

thoughts on me going away for the week (stay in a friends spare room) leaving a note saying, needed some time and space please feed the pets, and then being away for 5 or 6 nights.

If you decided to go. Do not leave him a note. F him. Do not give him any information. Do not tell him how long you will be gone. He fired you as his wife. You will know how much he cares by how he responds. Your phone may blow up. Do not answer it. Let it go to voice mail. Dark for 6 days. Can you do this???

Post everything he texts or says here and get feedback on the best responses.





Where there is smoke there is fire. You do not want to see the fire. The smoke is good enough.
99% chance he is in vegas with OW. Just assume this. No need to verify. Protect yourself emotionally.

HUGS

[hope2019]

Thanks All, I'm still pretty sure there is no OW but prepared for the blow if there is (I think at this point it would make it easier), the trip was something he had told me about months ago (a friend of his, who I admire and is a good family person and got on well with), is going to his friend's bachelor party there and he has pretty much invited himself along for the ride. Booked it yesterday morning, wasn't going to tell me etc but I don't think he would be up to no good with his friend there, he seems to have a lot of respect for me and at the very least D6.

For the deadline, I guess you are right about the pressure, but this is something I know I have to do. I cannot wait around for him after doing something as terminal as divorce, I have to know that I'm worth more than that and for whatever reason him knowing that seemed to wake him up a little.


I'm going to go away, I got in touch with my boss and planned a work trip out to Utah, for a few days. I'm so scared and anxious (even though it was my idea) at the thought of being away, and on my own and in this lonely hotel room for a few days but also it will just be one more thing for me to get through. I have no expectations at this point, but I will take your advice and leave no information and come here for any responses. I have IC again tomorrow so can hopefully work through this trip anxiety.

[FlySolo]

- really struggling to do the happy, nice part of LRT. I seem to get stuck in cold and no contact so really need to work ok that.

Many of us struggle with this. I am over a year in (and yes, limbo s*cks) and I still don't always get the balance right. I find that when my emotions are closer to the surface or when my energies are low, I pull back - abrupt closed responses, very little eye contact. I struggle less when I am feeling positive - he has less power over me and therefore the need to protect myself isn't as strong and I am able to do the 'friendly neighbor' thing. When I manage it I try and think of him like someone I have lift conversations with - weather, trains - nothing personal.

Came home last night to discover he has booked yet another trip, left this morning until Sunday for another weekend in Vegas. It really rubbed me the wrong way.

Right now, it is all about him. He can't see past his own need to escape. He is not thinking of anyone else's feelings. I know it is hard, but there is no point getting annoyed or asking how many more trips there will be. There will be more trips away before you finally decide you've had enough, or he discovers that the rainbows he has been chasing are just that, rainbows. Find ways to occupy your mind, keep busy, work on you. This is all you have. The truth of it will come out. There is no need to push or to pry. It just will.

This morning he text me from the airport and said I’m sorry for all the crappy decisions I’m making lately. I guess I’m trying to be out of sight, out of mind. I don’t have much to say but will think about what you said last night.

There is a saying here (you've probably heard it) - believe nothing they say and only half of what they do, or "words are cheap". He feels bad about what he's doing to write you a text saying he feels bad, but not so bad that he isn't going to give up a weekend in Vegas?. Just giving enough to maintain hope but not enough to make you believe things have changed. I don't want to mind read but to me, this is wanting to keep you in limbo, make sure you're still there waiting in case he decides he has made a mistake.

what are the thoughts on me going away for the week (stay in a friends spare room) leaving a note saying, needed some time and space please feed the pets, and then being away for 5 or 6 nights. I would hope it will help reality set in for him that he can’t just keep going on these trips and maybe he will then have an opportunity to miss me and not just be distracted by another trip. I’m lost on this one.

I am with AS. It would not change anything. If he is anything like my H when he was going through the worst of it (and running away a lot) everything I did just reinforced his belief that I was not the person he married/thought I was. I went out (I was obvs tarting around, neglecting the kids, or I was being manipulative), I stayed home (I was miserable, boring, being manipulative), I joined a gym (too little too late, I was getting myself ready for when I was properly single, I was being manipulative), I quit smoking (too little too late, I was being manipulative), I got ill (I wasn't looking after myself, being manipulative). Right now, your H needs to think the worst of you and everything you do will be twisted so that you come out looking bad. So, having said that, if you want to take a few days out to center yourself, gain some perspective or space, or just a little breathing room, then do it. He will think badly of you. But he would do that no matter what you do.

[hope2019]

@Flysolo

Thank you that was all so helpful. I think me going away and now it's a work trip, so it can be twisted all he wants, is terrifying to me but also for me to prove to myself that I can do this as soon I will have no choice but to do this and it allows me to make my life about me again...not being at home to see if he is going to try to talk and I can attempt to validate.

I'm trying to be optimistic and think if after last night's convo and then me being away it pushes him further away then hopefully I will keep going in the direction where I can let him go.

M anxiety and depression has been terrible throughout this, at times I have been scarily suicidal, so the thought of being in that hotel room by myself for a few nights is really scary but also better than being at home by myself I guess.


I am certain of one thing, this divorce will signify the end of us, I know myself well enough to know that I won't be able to forgive that or trust him again not to hurt me or D6, she is so, so crushed by this. I really hope he returns to the IC but he doesn't seem to be making that a priority at all, just getting overweight, spiraling into debt and booking as many boys trips as he can.