sandi, lost8 recently posted an update in my thread. Here was his post:
Originally Posted by lost8
Hey Steve, I wanted to reach out and see how things were going you. I think I pushed through the "is this what I want stage" once I realized we were in R. I think that point came when I was comfortable with what she was saying to me since it has been a long time since I had heard the truth.
I still have all access to my Ws accounts, phone, watch etc, but don't feel the need to look. She has been home every day for the last 6 weeks, minus one or two trips to hang out with true old friends locally who I know and she stayed in contact and more importantly came home from. She reaches out several times daily to ask how my day is, tell me how her's is, what we want to do later, when I will be home, etc.
The last 6 weeks she has opened up more and more in helping me understand her waywardness which has been very helpful and has continued to be extremely remorseful about the damage her actions have caused to our R and our family. You know that she was pretty messed up for a while from her childhood abuse, our eldest having some issues, and eventually her finding OM who could provide drugs that she just recently said was a factor in her seeing him. These were all things that she is realizing and taking 100% of the blame for and understands why she was blaming me through the whole process to make her feel like what she was doing was ok.
Fast forward and we are doing much better but I know we both have some growing to do. She has put her ring back on and wants to buy me one to wear again.
I am doing my best to keep my positive 180s in place especially the physical piece because at my age that really is a driver to my happiness. Hope all is well and and thank you for all of your encouragement and great advice throughout the process. I hope to hear that things are going in the right direction for you and yours.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks lost8. Your sitch sounds like it is much improved. I just encourage you to cement your 180s. Make them the new you! (More on that in a minute.) And just keep working. I think you would agree that a lot of the problem is that we, the LBSs, got to comfortable and quit trying. One of the things I've learned through all of this that you should never stop courting your W. Never stop dating her. And never stop working to improve yourself and your MR.
One quick suggestion. I was not a fan of wearing a ring. I was always taking mine off the shower, to sleep, etc. It just never stop bugging me. I bought a pack of 5 silicon rings on Amazon. WHAT AN EYE_OPENER!!! I don't even realize I have this thing on! And they look good too. I often pull mine off hold up and then squish it to the shock of the person I am showing it too.
Okay, now to answer your question. We continue to do really well. We continue to work really well as a team, both in running of the house, and being parents. It feels so good to be free of all the tension, and all of the dread. Having put aside my NGS and being forthright and upfront with her is amazing. Just so freeing!
As far as my changes and 180s. I continue to work really hard to make sure they are cemented. I said more on being "a new you". Just last night we were joking about something that happened. I can't even remember what it was but she was saying "I was afraid you were going to yell at me." (jokingly). I laughed and said "That was the old Steve! The new Steve doesn't do that." I reflected on that later and realized that I am 16 months past being THAT guy. It feels so good. And to be quite blunt, it is refreshing! I didn't realize how much weight and baggage being that guy had me carrying around.
For instance, if you read my threads you'll see that I was a saver and fixer. I would always try to save her from her failures and fix her mistakes. And that did two things. It put an awful lot of responsibility and work on me. And it didn't let her be her, and I think that was a big part of her having felt "she lost herself". Further, it made her look at me as a dad instead of a H.
Now I realize how important it is to be a man. A husband. A lover. A provider. But that I let her have her space and let her have her learnings through success and failure herself. No woman wants to marry their father. And I am constantly checking myself not to jump in and be her dad. But to be her partner in life, that empathizes with her through the ups and downs. I am happy to say I am doing this very consistently! I can't think of the last time I said something or reacted in a way and felt like I had let myself down in this regard.
So l8, things are moving in the right direction. We are really in a good place. The last 9-10 months I can honestly say have been the best 9-10 months of our marriage. I think she would agree too.
To the other newcomers, remember. Your old MR is gone. You have to move on to a new MR, either with your WAS or with someone new.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes Sandi things have gotten better. Although there is definitely still anxiety sometimes I am doing much better and no longer feel the need to snoop. Her actions are consistent with her words. My W has pushed me to look at her accounts, etc and I said I don't need or want to. I told her all along I knew and the only reason I snooped, followed, etc was to validate that I was not crazy.
W still says she is sorry for everything that she has done and I have forgiven her for her past actions even though she continues to say it. She does not know how I would ever be able to forgive her for everything. She is trying to make good changes in her life and I am supporting those as best I can.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Ws phone was left out last night and I looked, first time in a while. Saw deleted email from 3/13 to OM about counting the days...which referred to an email a few months back I think about days until either his kid or her kid was 18.
My first reactions were disgust, anger, all the usual. That quickly passed and those feelings do not overwhelm me like they did.
What is my next step? Is this still normal that she has contacted OM a month after my BD to her? Is it part of the withdrawal process Sandi, Neffer?
She mentioned in the last few weeks something about a blocked message from him on her phone...was that a smoke screen?
Do I pull back from any R efforts that she has made? Is it all BS?
My next steps are to be very careful protecting myself and kids financially. I won't go back to the hysteria that was our house for the first 7-8 months. Just not sure how this works out.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Hmmm. I can say that my W's first EA in 2005, there were definitely slips as she went through withdrawal from the emotional high that she had been getting from the relationship. About a month after I confronted her, and she sent a cease and desist email to him, she emailed him.
lost8, I would stay the course for now. Remember the WW is on her own roller-coaster ride, and I don't expect that would stop immediately after recommitting back to the marriage. I am sure there are still ups and downs related to the end of the relationship. sandi and other former WWs talk about that withdrawal. I know my W went through it hard in 2005, and again last year, though last year's lasted much shorter due to it not being as far developed. I would let her ride this out. Over time, with your 180s, and with your reconciliation efforts, she will finally get past all of this.
As, whether PA or EA, are not something that is easily gotten over. For the LBS it can be difficult to relate to. For the LBS it is "end it, let's move forward, and that's the end". But As have a way of emotionally hooking, especially women, and it isn't unlike a drug addiction. Lots of articles written about how the endorphins involved in an A are very similar in the brain to cocaine. So you need to think of your W as an addict and manage your expectations related to that perspective.
Are you guys in MC? Is she in IC? I don't see how you can manage all of this without outside, objective help.
Last edited by Steve85; 04/03/1912:52 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Although there is definitely still anxiety sometimes I am doing much better and no longer feel the need to snoop. Her actions are consistent with her words. My W has pushed me to look at her accounts, etc and I said I don't need or want to. I told her all along I knew and the only reason I snooped, followed, etc was to validate that I was not crazy.
Originally Posted by lost8
Ws phone was left out last night and I looked, first time in a while.
You no longer feel the need to snoop huh? Those posts are literally two days apart!!!!!!! STOP SNOOPING.
Quote
Saw deleted email from 3/13 to OM about counting the days...which referred to an email a few months back I think about days until either his kid or her kid was 18.
So you saw an email from 3 weeks ago that had been deleted. You don't know if she replied, or even read it. What did you learn from it? NOTHING. So why are you spinning?
AS, not sure why I looked but I did. It was there and I looked.
He emailed and about counting the days and she responded "me too" "in a rabbit hole for safety, love you"
This was three weeks ago and 1 month after I BD on her. I am staying the course and am not confronting about this. I guess after the convo with Steve there will always be that thought of what happens when S turns 18?
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
AS, not sure why I looked but I did. It was there and I looked.
He emailed and about counting the days and she responded "me too" "in a rabbit hole for safety, love you"
This was three weeks ago and 1 month after I BD on her. I am staying the course and am not confronting about this. I guess after the convo with Steve there will always be that thought of what happens when S turns 18?
Lost, are you treating your sitch as piecing? I thought you were still DB'ing. I read back through this thread and I'm confused on whether you consider it piecing or not. I can see why you would be upset if you thought you were piecing, because clearly that's not where her mind is. "In a rabbit hole for safety" sure sounds like she's trying to fly under the radar with her A. And then of course signing to OM with "love you" pretty much says it all. If you think you're piecing then I think only one of you feels that way.
AS, I agree. I thought we were, her remorse has been deep and continuous. She has given me access to everything including her money to manage.
I thought we were and that's why I was wondering can piecing occur until she has gone through the full 100% withdrawal. Yes i agree in this day in age you can go very covert.
Her whole attitude has changed about me and us but as you know we can never get inside someones head to know what is exactly going on.
I still have 180s in effect and still do GAL activities but when she was giving so much I felt I needed to give back...it was feeling more genuine.
That was my question, pull back? let it play its course? cover my ars? How hard do I DB at this point. W has been with me every night for the last month and a half, is this the withdrawal stage for her?
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
