I don't know if it was the rejection that is causing this, or if it's the way things should be when it comes to dealing with a STBX that is still involved with OM2, but I am reeling in pain right now. The flashbacks, the situation as is, maybe my loneliness are all contributing towards feels of sadness. I am not feeling hopeless as I know I can, will, and need to come out of this. But I'd be lying if I said that I was not feeling any PTSD.
((((Phoenix)))) I'm so sorry for your pain. I wish I knew something to say at this moment that would comfort you and give you hope. I have never been divorced. I've had it all around me in family and friends, but it's not like actually going through the pain yourself.
I have experienced grief when death took my close loved ones. I've been told by LBS's that going through D was worse. So, my heart hurts for you. Sometimes when we lose a young loved one in death, we go through a period of anger b/c we see it as unfair, and we get mad at the injustice of it. We see others who we think don't deserve to live b/c they are rotten human beings. I'm saying that anger is a stage of the grieving process. You mentioned something that perhaps is not experienced when we lose a loved in death, and that is "rejection". That must be so personal and so .......I can't even think of an appropriate word, ATM. As you can see, I'm not very good at comforting people with words, but FWIW, I care and I'm sorry at the injustice and rejection you are feeling.
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I'm still trying to wrap my mind as to how and why WW decided to take it this far. I'm still trying to comprehend whether the R she has with OM2 is an affair gone into R status or whether it is not an affair because we were on a trial separation for three weeks before she met OM2. Virtually no one outside of this board sees this as an affair.
These days, most people don't count it as an "affair" if the couple were already separated. IMHO, your morals and spiritual belief system dictates how you determine what classification to give it. Forgive me for not being sharper in memory ATM, but didn't you separate b/c she had OM#1? Not that it really matters, b/c I think the results would have been the same, whatever classification anyone gives it. I may be wrong, but I see it hitting a raw nerve when people outside the board place the seal of approval on her behavior (how about that word?) with OM#2. Maybe they just shrug their shoulders and say, "Hey, you two were separated at the time, so it was fair game". To me, a "trial separation" is with the intentions of working things out with the spouse, and reuniting. But that's just me. You may have called it a trial S, but she could have seen it totally different. Know what I mean? Like I said, whatever type of S you called it, the outcome would have been the same, b/c she was/is wayward.
She was wayward before the trial S. She and OM#2 know the truth of how they got together. It may be veiled by the fact you two were S, but that's how they find justification for their behavior.......and their friends & family can go along with them and play like everything is just grand. That's what people do. Most everyone probably do see them as being in a relationship. Their family is not going to refer to them as being in an affair, b/c that would take away the glee of family/friends. If someone ever mentions that she was still M when she & OM got together, someone else will jump in and say, "But they were S at the time", and that seems to settle it. Of course, it doesn't settle it for you, b/c you feel it was just as wrong and just as much an affair as if it would have been if you two were still living together. I think trying to change the viewpoint of anyone IRL, is probably pointless.
As to why your WW decided to take things this far? She's enjoying the fruits of her fantasy. At some point of their "relationship", they may get M or just live together......but if they are together long enough, I think she will repeat her behavior, unless she wakes up and resigns herself to work on herself. Sometimes a WW gets M to OM and over time she is able to see how she has the same MR she had with first H. She may find OM#3 or resign herself to accept her situation, If & when she comes to her senses, it's not like she's going to make a big announcement about it. If she is in another M, it would be rare for a WW to give her first H an apology. It has happened, but not often. It's not like she's going to admit her waywardness. At best, she would say she's sorry you were hurt or that things happened like they did. I can't name the book, but I've read how some WW continue to go from man to man. They finally reach a point where they can't feel anything from the current guy, no love, no thrill, nothing. It's as if she has short circuit her ability to feel in love.
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I have no idea if they have embraced her as one of their own but from the sounds of things they have. She is a part of OM2's friends and their kids lives. This whole thing doesn't seem like an affair. This is a love story where everything is going right for her.
Well, that's how they want to see it. As for friends/family of OM2, they are supporting him by accepting her and their "love story".
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That is the part that is hurting me right now.
Yes, b/c you feel she is getting away with cheating. You are angry that everything is going so wonderful for her, and you are still suffering rejection and loneliness. What would you want to see happen to her to make her suffer for the affairs? Do you want her humiliated before friends/family? Do you want OM2 to reject her and throw her out on the street? Do you want people to stone her until she dies? I think what you really want is to see her experience the pain she inflicted on you. One day, it may happen. Who knows what tomorrow holds? But when it comes.......will it really heal your heart? Will your life be happier?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have to get ready for work so I'll keep this brief and come back later with more.
The part that bugs me is that it tells others around us that it's ok to be hypocritical, lying, manipulative, etc. for the sake of finding happiness. I feel like D5 will look at us when she is older and ask why this all went down. What am I going to say? "I did not love your mom the way she needed so she left to find it with someone else?" D5 should think it's ok to pull this if she is in the same predicament? What should I tell her? This is not a rhetorical question.
I am angry, but I don't want her to be hurt. I don't want to cause any more hurt. She does not deserve any more hurt. She deserves to be happy just as much as anyone else. Is it right/fair for her to find such happiness at the expense of others? I know the answer to this already (No, but sometimes these things just happen. Nothing can be changed so move on).
I have accepted a lot of the events that led us to this point in our life. Acceptance has what got me to the point where I am OK with the inevitability that we are going to be legally separated soon. I did not have that mindset a month ago. I was still trying to save our MR. I don't want to anymore. Not with this person. Maybe not ever.
I know the pain of this will lessen over time (it took me two months this time to cycle back to these emotions. The longest so far) and I know that as I get into a routine of a new normal the pain will be better managed and will be further in between. I have the hope that a better life for me is yet to come. I am putting in the work and I am seeing the fruits of my efforts. I know I cannot stop and I won't. I have gotten this far. I know I can go further.
I have two GAL events going on. I signed up for a speed dating thing tomorrow evening. No expectations and I'm looking forward to trying on the new boots I bought with my gift card money. Friday is another dating-based Meetup event. Another opportunity to test my wardrobe and social skills.
The part that bugs me is that it tells others around us that it's ok to be hypocritical, lying, manipulative, etc. for the sake of finding happiness.
All you have control over is YOU. YOU conduct yourself with honor, integrity and dignity and leave your W to conduct herself in whatever way she sees fit. She may think she's fooling people but she's not.
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I feel like D5 will look at us when she is older and ask why this all went down. What am I going to say? "I did not love your mom the way she needed so she left to find it with someone else?"
Just tell her the truth- you don't know what happened. You tell her you loved her mother and still do and would have stayed with her forever, and you thought she felt the same. But sometimes one person grows apart from the other for reasons we don't understand, and when it happens you have no choice but to let them go. You say it without anger, hatred or malice. She will understand. How do I know this, because I had this exact conversation with my kids and they understood. One of my D's said "well you were together for 25 years and that is pretty amazing, and you did an awesome job of raising us." She's very wise.
I feel like D5 will look at us when she is older and ask why this all went down. What am I going to say? "I did not love your mom the way she needed so she left to find it with someone else?" D5 should think it's ok to pull this if she is in the same predicament? What should I tell her? This is not a rhetorical question.
"It ran it's course"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
P - My parents got D'd when I was 5 years old and I have no idea what happened. My mom has her version and my dad has his. Which one is accurate????? I assume it lies in the middle.
That said I had a great childhood with a lot of great memories.
Phoenix, I too want to say I'm sorry for and understand the pain you are going through. Many of us here went through it and it totally stinks.
However, I really have to say, just based on reading all of this, you are nowhere near ready to date - you simply are not. I know you're not going to listen - just because it's rare for anyone in your current position to listen. The pain is so high and it feels so good when a woman takes it away, like the girl from the meetup did for a week or so. But, really, you are just not ready and no long-term good will come from it. It's okay to just first get yourself back to a solid, strong baseline and THEN go looking for a new partner. That is the healthy way through this. Do things like getting new boots, hanging out with friends, etc. Leaving dating for down the road a bit.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
You are getting great advice here . It’s up to you to let it go and sink in . A Phoenix rises from the ashes stronger ? You may not feel it , but trying as hard as you can through immense pain shows your character. Stay strong for just a little longer . You can do it
Sandi (and others here as well), as I have stated to you before and will continue to state again and again, you don't need to feel sorry for anything that may come across as inadequate or harsh or mean. I tell my friends that this support group has been a major factor in my rebirth. I get told things that I may not want to hear, but I know that there is love and purpose behind what is said and will help me, not hurt.
Why do you think that instead of dropping off of this board after I surrendered to the fact that my marriage was over I stayed here? My impending divorce is obviously not busted.
I do it because the words that have been posted by everyone here has helped me become the man I am today. I do it because I want to continue to grow as that man. I do it because I want to make sure my journey of finding love anew is one that is healthier. Yes, it's going to be a slow process. But with that slow time comes true healing and organic growth.
There is nothing to ever be sorry for. Every word behind the posts come from a place of love and empathy.
As far as anger goes, it has been the primary catalyst in my behaviors and has contributed significantly towards the sitch I am in. I know it's a stage of grief, but I have moments in which I let it get out of control and I do things that are vindictive and cause pain to others. I should feel angry, but I should practice expressing it in a non-destructive manner.
When I get rejected, whether it was dating, job offers, personal requests, etc., I take it as an attack on my character and effort. I take it very personally and start to analyze where and why I have come up short. I question myself constantly and sometimes I sacrifice parts of my identity to conform and get acceptance.
It has gotten better recently, in which I do not take rejection as personally and that there are circumstances outside of my control that caused it. Best example is the woman who stopped talking to me. I have been telling myself that she saw a great version of me and it obviously attracted her. I did a lot of things right. She has reasons why she dropped communication and they were out of my control. I have moved on.
WW and I did separate on a trial because of OM1. We established rules that we had to follow during the trial (dating once a week, regular sex, constant communication). That fizzled out not even a month later. The affection did not drop off all at once, but it deteriorated to the point where I was being told that me touching her was creepy and that the romance was over. The trial part got removed shortly before I was told about the no romance. Her waywardness was a catalyst in coming to that conclusion.
I am working on the letting go part. It's getting better, but it's obvious that I still have not let go. I have not let go completely not because I still have hopes of reconciling, but because I am (unsuccessfully) trying to think of why things went down the way they did. From what ovr, AS, and you have stated, no one really knows why WW have those behaviors and it's a waste of energy trying to figure that out.
After I pray, I always ask for peace, happiness, and good health for her. She deserves it. I truly want her to be happy and healthy. She is a good person. Honestly, I would not mind seeing undesirable things happen to OM2. I could care less about him. But then I think about what you said in the last two sentences:
Originally Posted by sandi2
Who knows what tomorrow holds? But when it comes.......will it really heal your heart? Will your life be happier?
It will not heal my heart. It will just feed my vindictiveness. My life will not get any better.
I love the responses about what I should tell my D5 when she gets older and will employ those words when the time comes to have that talk.
Don, I know that I am not ready for a relationship. That is really really obvious. And the way things ended with the woman was a blessing in disguise. I was doing the same things I did when I first met my WW. The long chats, the calls, the heavy flirting, all of it. I was laying it on THICK. That being said, I will continue to go out and socialize. If one of the situations ends up with sex, so be it. I just need to remind myself long before it happens that I need to keep it casual. But maybe I need more time to even do the casual part.
TH, when you have time read my sitch from the beginning and compare it to how I am now. You will even see the part where I have decided to give myself the "Phoenix" moniker. I have gotten this far. I know I can go further. The sky is the limit.
Sandi (and others here as well), as I have stated to you before and will continue to state again and again, you don't need to feel sorry for anything that may come across as inadequate or harsh or mean. I tell my friends that this support group has been a major factor in my rebirth. I get told things that I may not want to hear, but I know that there is love and purpose behind what is said and will help me, not hurt.
Why do you think that instead of dropping off of this board after I surrendered to the fact that my marriage was over I stayed here? My impending divorce is obviously not busted.
I do it because the words that have been posted by everyone here has helped me become the man I am today. I do it because I want to continue to grow as that man. I do it because I want to make sure my journey of finding love anew is one that is healthier. Yes, it's going to be a slow process. But with that slow time comes true healing and organic growth.
There is nothing to ever be sorry for. Every word behind the posts come from a place of love and empathy.
I'm re-reading this post and it seems to me like it comes across as abrasive and stand-offish. That was not my intent at all. I said the above out of love and gratitude, not out of defensiveness and irritability. (((Everyone)))
Not to me , you are a man who has had his heart ripped out and his world turned upside down . Unfortunately in this world it seems the good guys get the raw deal . I am no good at advice , I just want to help .
