It's obvious that I am still jealous. I still have the "it's not fair" mentality but it is getting further and further in between.
If I ever had that attitude around my grandmother, she would softly say this: "I felt sorry for myself b/c I had no shoes, until I saw the man who had no feet".
I think I read about your speed dating right before I went to bed last night, and then I dreamed about it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If I ever had that attitude around my grandmother, she would softly say this: "I felt sorry for myself b/c I had no shoes, until I saw the man who had no feet".
It's easier to put things in perspective when I realize at what I do have and I have it better than others. I'm slowly starting to see that and feel it.
Originally Posted by sandi2
I think I read about your speed dating right before I went to bed last night, and then I dreamed about it.
I'm flattered that I am having that kind of impact
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Sounds like you had an enjoyable evening! I'm not sure what to think of the one woman that was being so forward, sounds like she was more interested in some flirty making out rather than a relationship but it doesn't sound like you got particularly attached so no harm, and you got in some flirting practice!
It started with the speed dating thing and just made its way to the night after. While I know that I am definitely on the upswing and things appear to get better by the day, I still have to slow down and just grasp at all of these things that are happening. Heavy interest from at least two women, improved relationships with my loved ones, good job performance, good health...I knew that the hard work I have been putting in the last eight months would pay off. I just never imagined that it would take this form.
AS, to be honest, I was not interested in much more other than some flirting. The touching and making out was just a bonus. Whatever happens going forward I am going to enjoy. I have never had experience with the dating lifestyle, mostly because I was so down on myself and was afraid to go out. I am realizing that the dating lifestyle can be a lot of fun. I need to remember to keep it controlled and not let it go awry. I still have a responsibility to live a healthy, positive lifestyle. I can now cut a little loose. A new relationship is the furthest thing from my mind right now.
ovr, thanks for the support. It has been very liberating this last couple of months (since the beginning of this year) and discovering this person called Phoenix9 has been transforming into something I never expected. I apparently was not kidding when I said I was being reborn.
I have been looking for tattoo inspirations lately. I want my next tattoo to be a Phoenix and I was thinking of getting it on my right chest. I found one that I really like and the following quote by Ronni Waltz was overlaid on top of the image:
Quote
She is the phoenix...who has risen from the ashes to which she has been reduced...this time wiser, stronger, and more powerful in her own right. She is the fire, looking for someone to warm...to enlighten...but never to burn...she is a bird in flight, that one can only see if they believe in her...she cries tears that can heal wounded hearts, souls, and bodies...in her rising she is cautious and aware of her own vulnerability...yet still as inquisitive and observant as she ever was...she is a little dark and very mysterious,...but will not omit trush...and overlooks noting...contrary to the shallow minds of the world...she is alive...she does exist...she is the phoenix...and she has risen again.
Some of the wind has been taken out of my sails just now. I was supposed to go on a date tomorrow with the woman I met last Friday. From the get go, it seemed like she was...tepid in her responses to me. That being said, she still expressed interest in meeting me for the date. I just assumed that she was trying to keep it cool as we made our way towards tomorrow evening. Yesterday, she told me that she would have to check her schedule regarding care for D9 first before she can confirm the date. She told me that she would let me know of her plans by noon today.
Noon came by and went. I had a feeling that it was not going to happen, but I did not want to fall back towards pessimistic thinking. I thought positively and hoped that things would work out. As the hours went by, I accepted the fact that I will not hear from her and that the date was not happening. She confirmed the cancellation about an hour ago. It was a well-meaning text message, about how we are in totally different stages of our life and how it was not going to work out. In the back of my mind, I was thinking "I just want to have some fun, not a romantic anything!". She continued and told me that I am a lovely person and she is looking forward towards meeting me at future events. I replied about 20 minutes later telling her that I understood her point of view and that it was my pleasure meeting and spending time with her. I returned the sentiment of seeing her in the future.
I felt a little dejected and hurt following her text. Not long after the rejection, my mind began to drift back towards WW and her stuff and my feelings of negativity that usually accompanies it. I recognized what was happening and started to force my thinking back into a positive mindset. I thought of the fact that I attracted at least two beautiful women in the last month and a half and was able to go on a date with one and made out with another. I thought of the speed dating thing I went to and how I carried myself there and all of the positive attention I got. I thought of how I am getting better at many major parts of my life. I reminded myself that I am growing and that growth is going to be accompanied with some pain. I reminded myself at the physical transformation I have made working out and how I kept at it and how as time passed I saw myself getting more muscular and feeling more attractive. I am truly loving myself for who I am becoming and that I need to keep going forward. I need to keep going to the gym, that I need to keep up with my GAL social activities, that I need to keep doing what I am doing because it is working, and that I will never give up in my pursuit of true happiness.
Online social event tomorrow. I brought my dress clothes for my date that is not happening. I am going to still dress up and go to the social event.
Sorry she bailed on you but it happens! Try not to take it personally. I talked to hundreds of women, went on dozens of dates, and had multiple dates with probably a dozen women before finally settling on my GF. It's a game of numbers for sure and you've got to handle it with emotional detachment. Don't let your heart get carried away until you've been on several dates (EDIT- with the same woman I mean) and are pretty sure you've found a keeper and that she feels the same way. Paradoxically your detachment will make you more attractive. Don't be too available.
P....in my experience it happens in baby steps, it's a progression. Like AS said it is a numbers game and you have to weed through the misses to get to the successes. I have never been stood up on a date but I have had girls say they wanted to go out but ended up ghosting me when I tried to set a time and place. I have also talked with many that just faded out and never materialized. I have been on dates where I did not have an interest in continuing and I have also been told what you just got told after a couple of dates. I have also ran into a girl that had an STD and divulged it to me. I have also been dumped by someone who was on the rebound from their x boyfriend after a month and they got back together. That has actually happened twice.
OLD is hard because you only know what people tell you. Everyone has different intentions and usually people dont just come out and tell you what they are looking for. That is why you go in detached as AS suggested and eventually over time people will reveal themselves.
Do not let the actions of others fill or deflate your sails. You are the source of the wind, not them.
These came out of one the best books I have read. I have read it over 20 times. Each time I read it, I get something different.
Always do your best Do not take anything personal be impeccable with your word Do not make assumptions
My lady has these words tattooed on her back. I guess my point is it takes a lot of sifting to find the right lady. People will come and go. Enjoy your interactions. Enjoy them for who they are. Listen to their stories.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks for the words of support and encouragement. I am accepting that it is going to take time and constant effort to make progress in this new chapter in my life. Rejection, I am learning, is a part of the growth process. I have been talking to WW's uncle again (who also went through something similar as what I am going through) and he told me that the feelings I am getting from rejection is a healthy part of this process. I have been very happy at what I have been able to accomplish in the last month and a half. Both dates/meetings were significant milestones and has elevated me to a level that I have never imagined. I know there will come a time when I get burned out and will need to step back and take a break, but I need to remind myself of what I want and to keep going after what I want.
Journaling:
The next day, I woke up feeling a little blue (down there too). I noticed what behavior I was getting into and worked on doing a 180 on it and turn it around. I was able to make myself feel a little better and got a little better as the day progressed. WW called about the legal separation papers and what we will need to do to get it going and finalized. I will be honest, even though I know it's coming, and I know it's necessary for the closure process, I still get pangs of pain and sadness. It's not as severe as it was when it first started happening, but it is still there. To have it be much more milder is demonstrative that my healing is on track.
As the end of the workday approached, I got a notification that the online Meetup was cancelled. I started to wonder what I was going to do now that I am not attending the session. Then I realized that I still had my nice clothes in the car, and I will do what I have done previously when my planned date nights were cancelled - I am going to dress up and have fun anyway. I changed into my clothes, and did a Google search of events happening in Portland. I found a small venue playing jazz at a wine bar. I drove myself there, paid for a seat, and got myself situated. As more people streamed into the event, I realized that the folks were much older than I was. Seeing this, I paid for my drink and decided to look for some dinner. I was originally going to find a sit-down restaurant but I realized that I would be by myself and the opportunity to socialize would likely not be there. So instead I went to a well known pub. I was hoping that I would have the opportunity to talk to some folks there. I sat at the bar and made myself comfortable. Alas, the opportunity to socialize and flirt never materialized, so I just ordered and ate at the bar by myself. As I was leaving, I made eye contact with an attractive women. We looked at each other in the eye for a few moments and exchanged smiles. In hindsight, I should have said "Hello" or "Have a great evening!" but I did not. Oh well. I walked around the area for a little bit, trying to find talking opportunities. No luck. I got myself a drink and drove home. End night.
No GAL plans from now through the weekend. It's mostly me and D5. The weather is going to be pleasant, so I am going to see what we can do.
I am working on 180ing my old attitude. I will not rejection or a sad trigger send me into a depression spiral. I am consciously changing my attitude and mood. It seems to be working well so far.
I was originally going to find a sit-down restaurant but I realized that I would be by myself and the opportunity to socialize would likely not be there.
I enjoyed my dinners alone. I enjoyed interacting with the staff. Go to dinner alone. Be interesting for the staff. Practice your humor by getting the staff to laugh. Prctice your observation skills. Your listening skills. Validation.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I enjoyed my dinners alone. I enjoyed interacting with the staff. Go to dinner alone. Be interesting for the staff. Practice your humor by getting the staff to laugh. Prctice your observation skills. Your listening skills. Validation.
The validation part is something I never thought of. I will incorporate it going forward.
I had a good weekend with D5. We ran errands, had a picnic lunch, and worked on house stuff together. We went to a friend's house for dinner Saturday evening. Yesterday was more house stuff, meal prep, and cleaning. We stepped out to a St. Patrick's Day celebration at a local coffee shop. There is a very cute barista who works there who I make idle chit chat with time to time when I visit. Nothing serious, because I don't even know how old she is. If I were to venture a guess, maybe early 20s? Anyway, we listened to live music, had some coffee together (I had coffee. She did not), and generally enjoyed the company. That evening we settled in and got ready for the week.
Quiet week ahead. I am doing taxes today. Not much else going on until this Saturday. I am going clubbing with my WW's uncle and his gf and a few friends. The following Monday I am going to another speed dating event. I need to get to RotG Day 7 challenge. I'm hoping that I can work on that sometime this week.
Had an interesting blow-up last Friday. I woke up super grumpy and just in general did not want to talk. My grumpiness led to my thoughts of what WW is doing and it just made me angrier. WW called me and I was very short with her. She sarcastically told me to have a good day and I abruptly ended the call. I called an hour later to let her know that I was sorry. She laid into me about my attitude this week and how she has had to swallow my outbursts and save face in front of her friends. She told me that despite a good friend of her's dying, she kept it together. She continued on and told me how my outbursts and snippiness paints me as more of a a-hole and pr*ck. She further told me that when I act like that she breaks down crying and it ruins her whole day (???). I validated her feelings. I told her about how my moods and ourbursts affected her and that I was working on fixing it. I told her it is obviously taking time to turn it around but I am doing my best. She got in another dig and told me that she spent a long time sacrificing herself to placate my feelings and that I somehow made it about me. I was continuing to tell her about what I have been working on. That further rankled her because I was using a lot of "I" statements during my explanation. She told me that I was making it about me again. I calmly told her that it was not the case. I told her that the reason I am currently talking to her and using the "I statements was not a ploy to get pity or sympathy from her. I told her that I am doing it is because I can control my actions and behaviors. I told her that I am recognizing more and more about my contribution to this sitch and how it truly hurt her. I further told her that I am recognizing her support for me over the years and that it was something that I never truly appreciated until it was gone from me. I made certain that I did not accuse her of anything or that it was not enough. I validated everything she told me. She told me that she is trying to keep it together despite having problems finding a 3rd job and finding a place that she can afford. I don't know if she is lying about the new place part or not. I assume that she is lying and she will be moving into OM2's place late May/early June. I did not tell her that. I don't think I will tell her. It is not going to be constrictive and will only cause more lashing out. I could hear sobbing the entire 30 or so minutes of our conversation.
I ended the call telling her that it is all going to be ok. That things will fall into place and it will work out. She irritably told me "ok" and ended the call. I got a text later from her apologizing for her angry behavior. I told her that she has nothing to apologize for. I further told her that she has every right to feel angry and that she made a lot of valid points during our conversation.
Our interactions over the rest of the weekend were more playful and positive.
It's hard to let things go. It's hard to not be hurt and angry. It's even harder not to tell her how it has truly hurt me. And I may never get that chance. I am working on accepting that possibility. It's all a part of detachment right?
