13 years and 2 kids pt. 5

[Hurt213]

Thanks for your views and inputs.

I tugged in the kids after a nice afternoon with cuddling on the couch and playing cowboys and aliens . Now I am half way through watching, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and I just want to say, what the f... that is some relatable hollywood stuff going on. Its actually pretty therapeutical to watch.

Have a good night.

[Hurt213]

So just journaling a bit.

So basically, I think LH19 hit the head on the nail, and thats a nice 2x4, so thank you very much.

I do indeed think you are right, and I brought it up in IC this morning. The fact that I am in a good spot, but my achilles heal seems to be that im having a difficult time with cutting the cord completely (trying to do family things etc. which in fact was not encouraged by IC either, for now).

It basically comes down to a covert contract. I apparently grow expectations when we do these things, and as long things are so "fresh", I will keep making these contracts, and when they are not fulfilled, I want to completely have her out of my life. Its an endless cycle, and the only reason to break it, is to allow myself some time for me and my kids and not make her a priority at all (I know basic stuff, but apparently hard to see inwards.)

I am doing very well with detaching in all other areas though, and I dont find where this is going anymore - I just get really worked up, when my covert contracts are breached, and I need to stop being in the environment, where these contracts can become a reality - thats my task for now.

I will go about this, with a mindset that says, be cordial, be respectful, be strong, be yourself, and dont let hatred and resentment build a foundation within me. In time everything will be better, and for now and forever, my kids are the most important.

Ex asked if it was okay for her to make contact to a few new brokers, as she wants to move on with her OM, and me and her having the house together is slowing down the separating lives process.

I answered: "That is fine." And it really is. I can't help but feel a bit in limbo as well with these 7 days in old life and 7 days away from the house. I want a new place, where I can make a fresh start for me and the kids. <-- makes sense?

/H

[ballast]

Hurt...

Yep, it does make sense. I'm doing the 7 daddy days on and then 7 days off. I wouldn't say it's limbo, but for sure like leading two separate lives. Totally get the new place, fresh start with kids AND there's great hope in knowing that will be coming. You just have to keep making it through and you are.

As far as your WW you said it best yourself: I will go about this, with a mindset that says, be cordial, be respectful, be strong, be yourself, and dont let hatred and resentment build a foundation within me. In time everything will be better, and for now and forever, my kids are the most important.

THAT ^^^^ is the ONLY contract you need to make with yourself. Just let her go man. Too much good stuff waiting for you on the other side. Keep going forward for you and your kids. That is all you've got to do.

-B

[Ginger1]

As much as I dislike your ex, your reaction was defensive and I don’t think she is trying to tell you have to parent. I agree with fly solo. She’s leaving her kids and she is feeling anxiety and wants to straighten everything out in her head. Also, it’s coparwbting a conversation you probably would have had if you were together. Sure, it’s “her fault” she will be away from the kids, but she still has that mom thing going on where she isn’t with her kids, even if it’s with the dad, who can handle it.

She still affects you greatly. She can see it too. I know how hard it is. You just need to be less reactionary.

[Hurt213]

I realize that in hindsight, and I have learned from that experience, thanks for the input .

[Hurt213]

Journaling a bit.

Hi everyone.

So things are going alright for me. I've been researching a lot lately on life as a single dad, and what to be cautious about. It has been really good for me, because I take it as a sign, that I have embraced my near future, and I am now setting my self up in a good position to move forward.

My ex has been handling all contact with the real estate brokers, and I just asked to be cc'ed on the correspondence. She has taken action, and is pulling the entire load of getting the house sold, which at this point is fine. I am not doing the work, however I am absolutely not standing in her way.

So in 14 days the new real estate broker is making a new marketing push for the house, and will bring new photographers etc. Thats all fine.

In 4 weeks we have easter holiday, and we have decided to inform our daughter of the fact that mommy and daddy will not live together anymore, but she gets to have two rooms, and that we love her very much. At the beginning of this, I was very adamant on the fact that she should know, that "mommy doesnt love daddy any more and this is all moms fault". That was childish, and that was pushing our problems onto our children. I am luckily that much wiser and more healed today. My ex knows what she did, and she will live with that knowledge to her dying day. Thats enough for me. My kids are not going to be apart of that. If they want to know as grown ups, then thats another talk, but that is many years into the future.

Our youngest son is only just turned two, and doesnt understand, so there is no real sense in including him in the talk.

Friday I dropped off the kids, and went to the gym. after the gym I went out for dinner with some friends. Saturday I played a round of golf with a female friend of mine (just a friend - but also a recent divorcee, although 1 year ahead of me, so she and I talked a bit about how her life is great today, and what I have coming - that was nice to hear).

Today I am going to visit my mom and dad, and we are driving to the ocean to go for a long walk and just get some nice air and some quality time.

I feel sad from time to time, that this happened, and it still is sometimes unreal to me. But I am moving forward, because it is what I need to have a good life for me and my kids.

I will never sit down and accept the OM in my ex's life, because he took part in destroying my family, and did it knowing, that there were two little children involved. I can't respect a person with those morals, even though he might be a person who gets to be around my kids. Thats not happening. However I do wish that she finds the happiness that she is searching for, and should that be with a new man, then I will sit down, and talk with him. I am at that point, where the past is the past, and I need to find a woman that RESPECTS me, and at the same time, a woman that I can TRUST.

Those two highlighted words, are qualities, that I hold dear, and I am not sure, that I am up for the challenge of trying to regain those with my ex, should she come pleading for me, because frankly, too much has been done and said I think.

/hurt

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So checking in and just writing down what goes through my head.

It has been a busy couple of days since last entry to my blog. I am putting in a lot of work in my "off weeks", so I can leave my work little earlier in my "on weeks" with the kids.. So it can be a bit draining, but the reward in my "on weeks" more than make up for it.

For those of you who have followed my sitch, you know that I was diagnosed with a (dont know the term) "life time diagnose" for imflammatory intestine disease "Chrohns" years back. And that eventually led to my depression because a lot of my life time goals that I was no longer able to aim for (police academy or continue working in the army). This in the end most likely led to the downfall of my relationship and 8 months ago, I reached out, and finally allowed someone to get close and help me (IC), and ever since, I have been so much better.

This has translated into my Chrohns having basically left my body, and I have had no outbreaks or numbers indicating that I am sick since june 17.

I am fit, I weigh more than I have ever done (having been skinny but fit my whole life, this is a huge confidence boost to me, that I am now in a REAL good shape).

I am mentally in a good spot, and am getting attention from females on a daily basis, which is also very very good for my confidence, however I am a bit shy. I am making my self go out and talk to at least 3 strangers every day right now, to just get over my self really... Its working .

So I was at my checkup on the hospital on monday, and the chief doc cleared me, which means, that I am able to apply for the Police academy, because my disease is basically none existent at this point in time. I am so grateful, and will be applying summer 2020 so I can work on my self. Physically I am more than capable, but I want to make sure, that I have had the time to completely work through recent events, so that it won't affect me when I apply.

Other than that, everything is good, I believe. I went to visit my kids yesterday, and they are coping fine with this new arrangement. New real estate brokers are in place. However they needed some money here and now for new pictures and papers. They provided the option to wait to pay until the house sells, and then we could pay an additional 450 dollars for that service. My ex wrote and asked me if I had seen the messages from the broker (She cc me on the correspondance), and then said she didn't have that sort of money, if she was also to, quote: "feed OUR kids". I dont want to come off as condescending or mean, but I simply wrote: "I can understand that it must be frustrating, however I am not going to pay 450 dollars just to stall the payment. I know it must be frustrating, but I am sure you will figure something out." <-- The response was, that "You are right, this is not your problem to deal with of course, thank you".

Other than that, the communication between me and ex is good. We are cordial, relaxed and the air is not "heavy" with resentment. I focus on my kids, because other than the house, thats basically all there is left. She has begun to ask me a lot a bout what I do in my sparetime, and if I have to be somewhere specific after visiting them etc. Examples: Yesterday when I left, she wanted to know, if I was going somewhere since I was dressed real nice and looked good. and yesterday we were on the phone making plans for easter holidays (who gets the kids when, and I have plans with some mates for some of the days, and she wanted to know where and with who I was going) <-- I just answer with "yes I do have plans", because frankly, its not something she needs to know of anymore. I think, she really wants me to meet someone new, because that will make this a whole lot easier on her. However her motives and thoughts are really something I need to stay out of and have struggled with, so I am leaving it with that.


Have a good day.

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So today my afternoon meeting was cancelled, and I was able to leave early (whole week has been late so that was nice). I treated myself to a haircut, a new shirt and a pair of new shoes for the spring season around the corner.

I felt confident and good looking, when I walked down the shopping street, and was actually a bit "full of my self, lol". I was walking while looking in the shop glass facades, and was pleased with myself, it felt really good. I went past a jewelers store, where two really good looking shop assistants were arranging jewelry in the windows. My eyes connected with one of them, and she smiled and looked down as if she was shy, and then she looked at me again - guess im going jewelry shopping soon (:D).

Other than that, im looking forward to going to work tomorrow - I have no meetings, so I am able to get a gym session in before picking up my kids in daycare - really miss them, so I am glad its switching day tomorrow. I have some good things planned for us for the weekend, but unfortunately d5 apparently fell and bumped her knee two days in a row (ex texted me a picture tonight, asking for advice on how to treat it) <-- 2x4 me for not letting her figure it out herself, but I dont really care anymore - so I helped her out for d5s sake and that was it.

Golf season is about to begin, and I have a lot of tournaments to play in the coming months, so I am stoked about that swell. Had a meeting with the real estate broker today, he figures the house will be sold in less than 3 months, which will put the last nail in this limbo coffin of ours. From there I can finally begin my new life in my own apartment - that will be a day of celebration.

Have a good weekend, I love you all in that very platonic loving way that you can love strangers you don't know, but strangers that truly have made an enormous impact on a situation so very unreal, that most people will never understand, because they have not lived it.

Thanks!

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So picked up my kids today, and the pedagogue pulled me aside to inform me, that my daughter is reacting to the split of me and her mother, and they are cutting her some "slack" because her temper is very loose, and she is sad. So definitely something we are very aware of.

I came home with two tired kids who were ready to kickstart the weekend, however the house was dirty, clothes everywhere and dirty dishes all over the kitchen. I am going to tell my ex firm but in a relaxed and "cool" way, that the time I use to clean up the house every friday is time I dont get to have with the kids. I leave a clean house on switching days, and I expect the same to some degree.

She can ignore my request if she decides to, but I feel like, it is a indicator of the lack of respect she has for me, that makes it okay, to leave the house like this. I can't set a boundary, because I can't enforce anything if she chooses to bite me off, so I can do nothing but state that I do not find it to be acceptable. If we were talking a friday once in a while where the kids had acted up, then whatever, but it has been constantly for the past 1.5 months..

Thoughts?

[AnotherStander]

d5 apparently fell and bumped her knee two days in a row (ex texted me a picture tonight, asking for advice on how to treat it) <-- 2x4 me for not letting her figure it out herself

No that's fine, there's nothing wrong with that. I think a lot of people misunderstand this, you're really just trying to avoid pursuit behavior. IE, finding excuses to text her. There's no reason not to exchange messages about the kids.

I came home with two tired kids who were ready to kickstart the weekend, however the house was dirty, clothes everywhere and dirty dishes all over the kitchen. I am going to tell my ex firm but in a relaxed and "cool" way, that the time I use to clean up the house every friday is time I dont get to have with the kids. I leave a clean house on switching days, and I expect the same to some degree.

Perfectly reasonable request.

She can ignore my request if she decides to, but I feel like, it is a indicator of the lack of respect she has for me, that makes it okay, to leave the house like this.

You are 100% correct, it is EXTREMELY disrespectful.

I can't set a boundary, because I can't enforce anything if she chooses to bite me off, so I can do nothing but state that I do not find it to be acceptable.

Well, you could tell her that you are going to terminate the nesting arrangement if she doesn't start cleaning up before handovers. Or you could tell her that if you must spend time cleaning up her messes then you will start leaving an equivalent mess for her to clean up at the end of your week. That may sound harsh but you're no longer together as husband and wife and you've got to be as firm with her as you would be with a tenant you're sharing a space with. It's either this or grin and bear it.