Question: One of her complaints about the marriage was that I didn’t text her all the time, like during the day to say hi or how she was doing. I did it maybe once a week but she wanted it all the time. I know I’m not suppose to pursue but should I text her during the day to ask how her day is or just to say hi?
No that would be pursuit. Did she ever bring that up to you prior to asking for a D? It's just BS script to justify her reasons. Asking for a D because you didn't text 'hi'. Crazy right?
Question: One of her complaints about the marriage was that I didn’t text her all the time, like during the day to say hi or how she was doing. I did it maybe once a week but she wanted it all the time. I know I’m not suppose to pursue but should I text her during the day to ask how her day is or just to say hi? Thanks everyone you have really been helping me!!!!!
WM, this is a very common question by the LBS. "WAS said I didn't do X...Y....Z.....during the marriage. Should I start doing X, Y, and Z?"
You see Wolfman, relationships are like cars. They need routine maintenance. With a car if you change the oil regularly, swap out the filters, rotate the tires, get the front-end aligned, flush the coolant, etc....the car will continue to run in tip-top shape. If you don't do the routine maintenance, it will break down. Once your car breaks down, you can do all the routine maintenance and it will have no effect on the breakdown. If the engine has thrown a rod, changing the oil will be superfluous at that point.
Your W has expressed that you didn't do routine maintenance (texting all the time, kissing when you left the house, etc). But you are in a breakdown mode now. Routine maintenance will do no good. And unlike a car, trying to do "routine maintenance" to a broken relationship will only make things worse!
What I would suggest, is to use a talk charge. Once a day find something amusing, interesting or both, that takes less than a minute to share. Call her at a random time during the day, and just share it. Here is your script:
"Hey, just thought I'd call to share with you this funny story I heard today. -insert short funny story-. Just thought you'd find that amusing. Talk to you later. Bye."
You can even leave it on VM if you want. But try doing something like that once a day. Use your judgement. Sometimes sitches are such that once a day would be too much. So do it every other day, or once every 3 days. One of the things that this does is it makes takes them by surprise. She is so used to you being mopey and depressed, that when you call just to share something fun and upbeat, she'll hang up the phone going "what was that?!" Again, don't over do it. In my sitch I did it once a day while I was away at work. At first I think she thought "Oh brother, what does he want?" But after a couple of week she came to expect it, and I believe it started to help us reconnect. And then a strange thing happened, she started doing the same thing back!
One rule: DO not throw in logistically talk in these. Do not discuss who is picking up the kids, or what we are having for dinner. Keep it light. Keep it fun. Keep it short. And then end it. "Just thought I'd share that. But I have to run."
Last edited by Cadet; 03/12/1902:43 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, I got away from talk charges because I thought that was pursuit, but I think for my wife once and a while will help. Right now I don’t think everyday will be good. I will implement them again.
LH19, when does the script change to her saying, I love you, again? I’m just kidding I know I have a ways to go if ever again.
Last edited by Wolfman; 03/12/1903:58 PM.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Please start a new thread and link your two threads together. Thanks!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
