She told me that I was making it about me again. I calmly told her that it was not the case.
That is the opposite of validation, you invalidated her statement. You told her she was wrong. And she may have been, but the important thing to understand about validation is it is NOT agreeing/ disagreeing/ begging/ pleading/ negotiating. It is simply accepting her feelings as hers WHETHER YOU AGREE WITH THEM OR NOT. It's a very important distinction.
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I ended the call telling her that it is all going to be ok. That things will fall into place and it will work out.
I know you meant well but this is an invalidating statement as well. She feels like things are a mess, so you telling her it'll all be just fine makes it feel like to her that you are not listening to her or paying attention to what she's saying.
I'm not trying to pick on you, for the most part it sounds like you did pretty well in the convo. I just think there are a lot of misunderstandings about what validation is, so I try to help clarify it when I see some hiccups so people will have a better grasp of it moving forward. Validation is all about trying to see things from HER point of view. Trying to understand how what you say affects HER feelings. She may say some really outrageous things that make you want to roll your eyes, but you have to override that and really try to listen and make her feel heard and understood. It's the biggest 180 any of us can make.
I see now that there were two instances in which I did invalidate her statements. And when I was conversing with her, I knew that I had to validate what she was saying. When she told me she was having a hard time with everything, I told her that I can totally see and understand why she would feel like that and it is a very stressful situation.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
I know you meant well but this is an invalidating statement as well. She feels like things are a mess, so you telling her it'll all be just fine makes it feel like to her that you are not listening to her or paying attention to what she's saying.
I'm not trying to pick on you, for the most part it sounds like you did pretty well in the convo. I just think there are a lot of misunderstandings about what validation is, so I try to help clarify it when I see some hiccups so people will have a better grasp of it moving forward. Validation is all about trying to see things from HER point of view. Trying to understand how what you say affects HER feelings. She may say some really outrageous things that make you want to roll your eyes, but you have to override that and really try to listen and make her feel heard and understood. It's the biggest 180 any of us can make.
This is the part that I need to remember. I need to improve in seeing things from her point of view. I need to remember that "trying to be right" is one of the things that got us into this sitch. Whether she is right or not, I need to continue to look at things from her perspective.
JThere is a very cute barista who works there who I make idle chit chat with time to time when I visit. Nothing serious, because I don't even know how old she is. If I were to venture a guess, maybe early 20s?
I challenge you to find the attractiveness in every woman.
When you go to this speed dating event, Make it all about the person sitting across from you. Remember each of their stories, like you will be tested on it the next day. Enjoy each one of them for who they are. Study them while they talk. Focus hard to remember the color of each persons eyes. Do not give unsolicited advice. Do not talk about yourself unless they ask you questions. Give simple short answers. Flip the questions back to them fairly quickly "What about you, repeat question back"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
...Interesting blow-up last Friday.....I told her....that I was working on fixing it.....I told her.......I was continuing to tell her............what I have been working on.......I was making it about me again..................I calmly told her................... I told her...................................................I told her............. I can control my actions and behaviors............................I told her.............................I further told her........................
I am being blunt:
You need to learn to shut up and listen. Do not "tell her" anything.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
It started when she called me and I was irritated with her requests for assistance with her mother. Her mom was sick and requested the night before to bring soup and apparently OJ. I brought the soup but did not bring OJ. I was working late and did not hear the OJ part apparently. She was a little miffed that I did not get OJ. When she called I was very short and gave one or two word answers. The irritability was behind every word I said. She sarcastically told me to have a nice day and I ended the call.
She was crying because of the way I sounded on that call. She tells me that when I have those moments it ruins the day for her and she has to keep it together and sometimes excuses herself because she is affected by what I say and do.
She told me earlier in the week that her friend died and that I would need to leave work early to pick up D5. She did not ask me to take it off. She told me I am taking that off. I was short and asked her if there was someone who can look after D5 because I don't want to miss any more work. I felt like she was entitled to my time and not regarding or respecting my schedule. Instead of calmly telling her my thoughts, I got irritated and threw a tantrum. I realized my mistake and called back a few minutes later apologizing for my reaction.
It's crap like that I am still working on. She did say that I have been better in recent weeks but I still have a problem with the way I express my disagreement. That being said, she knows that it's still a problem and tell me as such when I act out (calling me an a-hole or pr*ck).
R2C, I do see that I need to shut up. I need to work on the part that I need to just listen. Whether she is right or not, I just need to listen. The audiobook I am listening to echoes that statement. Am I understanding this correctly?
R2C, I do see that I need to shut up. I need to work on the part that I need to just listen. Whether she is right or not, I just need to listen.... Am I understanding this correctly?
I think so.
You are not having conversations with her to win an argument. You are having conversations with her to UNDERSTAND her better. You are having conversations (IE YOU LISTENING) so she thinks of you differently. Which may lead to her FEELING differently about you.
Are you TRUELY the source of her tears? Or are you a trigger?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Pick you battles. Someone died. Do you believe this is true? If so,turn on your empathy.
Now if she "Demands" your time so she can be irresponsible and go out drinking or what not:
When you.. I feel.. If you... I will...
When you make demands like this, I feel disrespected. If you want my help, I will be way more inclined to help if you ask politely.
It was true. Her friend was a former client she cared for years and continued to visit at the health care facility after she found another job. She bonded with him right at the time we started dating.
