Hit by the dreaded ILYBNILWY

[mikeyb]

First I want to say thank you to everybody so far. The advice given has been extremely helpful and I am feeling and seeing the difference in many ways.

Now the update as promised:

So yesterday, me and the W needed to go grocery shopping. We hopped in the car and started on our way, the first 10 minutes was pretty quiet, she was half asleep still and I was jamming away to the radio. Then she said she wanted ice cream as we passed an ice cream shop. SO we stopped in and grabbed some ice cream, during which all of a sudden she started with some talk about our MR and things moved to my faults, and what I did wrong. During which I validated how she felt, and said I understand how I went wrong and what I did, but I can not change the past and can only make sure I don't do it again. At which point she settled down a bit, started talking some more and when I was trying to say something I would be interrupted with her version. So it went on to talking about how I felt during the time, and why I felt that way. And I did so without using any "you" statements (You did this/that etc) and instead said "I feel that when you do this/that" such as with watching her friends kids every weekend and not having time together I said "I felt that when I came to you about us watching the kids every weekend and not having time together you were being very dismissive of how I felt by saying I can't blame the kids for us not doing anything" and things like it and the outcome of me doing so was nowhere near what I expected, she had actually stopped to think about it, I was able to see some understanding from her instead of a typical defensive reaction I would get if I would have said "you are very dismissive of my feelings"

things continued on this way for a bit and then she started to open up a some on how she has been feeling lately, she stated that she is still unsure what she wants, mostly because others are telling her to really think about what she is doing and if it's truly what she wants. She said that there are still many things that she loves about me and it all comes down to the trust. The conversation was very good, It gave me a slither of hope... yes hope.. expectation: none, but hope yes.

Additionally, I spoke with the MIL and told her I will not withdraw my 401K, I had to reiterate several times, but I stood firm on it. The MIL also said that she is going to be done helping us come the end of March (Made it easier for me since I wanted to pull away from her with that anyway) So today I was talking with the W about it and she was unaware that her mother was wanting to be done then, and asked what we were going to do for the bills come then. At which point I threw out my proposal of her controlling the money and us paying the bills together. She is really hesitant on this because the trust issue boils down to money, when I explained how I would want to work it out she seemed to be intrigued and said she would think about it. I'm hoping that she will do it as it would be a major stepping stone towards rebuilding the trust. Am I expecting it, no, but I'm hoping for it.

So right now my plan is to continue doing what I am doing, but more of it. Double down on some GAL and continue to give her space to be herself.

[ovrrnbw]

Good convo with the W. Good job in the hopes vs expectations.

Too bad the MIL didn't agree to quit immediately. But you should continue to educate yourself on finance. Continue to communicate and grow on the finance side.

[mikeyb]

Update:

The MIL and the W's aunt were coming by this weekend to go to a festival near us and they spent the weekend here. On Thursday me and the W were supposed to do a deep clean of the house (the MIL & aunt are allergic to cats and we have a cat) well I had come home from work, made dinner, and the W suggested we watch a movie. So while I was cooking dinner I went out to have a cigarette (yea, I haven't been doing so well with quitting). The W came out with me and we were talking a bit. She had asked me what my plans were for Saturday and I said right now I don't have any. She then asked me if I'd like to come along with them to the festival. I said sure. Then she was talking about selling the boat, and that a friend was interested a while ago and she needed to reach out to him again. He was a friend of ours from high school, at that point of mentioning him she had shifted the topic to those times and all the good moments in our relationship. I really tried to not say much during this part of the conversation besides an occasional laugh, and the "yea I remember that". She was trying to initiate sex again, I was on the couch and the movie was over I leaned forward and she laid her head on my lap looking straight up at me and pressed me for it, then when we went in the room she then suddenly changed her mind, I said ok then good night and went on with going to sleep.

So on Friday I get home from work and the MIL was here, I was supposed to cook dinner but they instead wanted to go out to eat. The MIL treated us to Outback which was nice. When we got back home I went to get myself ready for bed. I went to the W and asked her if she still wanted me to come with them saturday so I could find out what time and all. She then said, "No, they changed the plans. They want to go out shopping, and might go later in the day if at all" So I said ok and went off to bed.

Now Saturday comes along and I started to just take care of some errands and things I needed to do. Well I end up finding out that they didn't go "shopping" they went "house shopping" for her. Which explains why the sudden change of mind of me coming along come in. She has not told me anything about this, which I am glad I found out because if she picked up and left I can't afford to move right now, and can't afford this place on my own. Neither can she, but she has her mother as a financial support system who will write her a check to move in a heartbeat, whereas I have no such system.

So right now, I am going to keep that I know she's looking for a place to myself and start preparing financially for that eventual BD that she's leaving. My plan is to try and get money together to payoff my 401k loan so I can take out another and get out of my truck payment to lower my vehicle payment and have money to move if/when it comes to it. Wish me luck

[AnotherStander]

She was trying to initiate sex again, I was on the couch and the movie was over I leaned forward and she laid her head on my lap looking straight up at me and pressed me for it, then when we went in the room she then suddenly changed her mind, I said ok then good night and went on with going to sleep.

This is exactly the kind of stuff we're talking about when we say you are "Plan B" to your WAS. She is just stringing you along and playing with your feelings. Don't fall for it anymore, if she makes an "offer" just say "I don't feel comfortable with that given our current situation." Well done on not responding emotionally though, just saying "OK" and walking away was good stuff!

So right now, I am going to keep that I know she's looking for a place to myself and start preparing financially for that eventual BD that she's leaving. My plan is to try and get money together to payoff my 401k loan so I can take out another and get out of my truck payment to lower my vehicle payment and have money to move if/when it comes to it. Wish me luck

Sounds like a good plan, good luck!

[mikeyb]

So it's been a a little while since I've posted. Things have been pretty good the last few weeks, until today.

The W woke up and I was doing dishes, she walks by to take out the dogs and said I was going to do them" I said "it's fine I got it" Then after a few minutes she asked me to sit down, I did. At which point she came over with a stack of papers and said we need to fill these out. It was fileing paperwork for divorce. Things went slightly sideways, not crazy, but whatever. I ended leaving, I had stuff I had to do. I came home and she left for work and the paperwork was left out so I looked over it. She is trying to file a simplified dissolution which requires that we both agree the marriage can't be saved. And requires co-operation for filing from both of us.

I have no intentions on filing these out because I do not believe the marriage can't be saved. Any advice on how to tell her this?

[ovrrnbw]

Well tell as simply as possible IMO and keep it short.

Sorry to hear that mikey.

[AnotherStander]

I have no intentions on filing these out because I do not believe the marriage can't be saved. Any advice on how to tell her this?

So the general DB'ing attitude is don't do anything to block the D, but don't go out of your way to help. Let her fill everything out. If she needs something that only you can provide (W-2 info or such) then provide her with the info. If she asks for help with the papers just tell her "this is not what I want but I understand that it is what you want so I will not try to stop you, but you need to do all the work because my heart isn't in it" or something along those lines.

[mikeyb]

I have no intentions on filing these out because I do not believe the marriage can't be saved. Any advice on how to tell her this?

So the general DB'ing attitude is don't do anything to block the D, but don't go out of your way to help. Let her fill everything out. If she needs something that only you can provide (W-2 info or such) then provide her with the info. If she asks for help with the papers just tell her "this is not what I want but I understand that it is what you want so I will not try to stop you, but you need to do all the work because my heart isn't in it" or something along those lines.

That's just it though, I'm not trying to block her and I already told her I won't. But the way she is trying to file requires that both of us file together, fill the papers out together and be in complete agreement on everything. Including that the marriage can't be saved. I've already told her I will not participate in the filing so I don't even know why she would try to come to me this way.

[Ready2Change]

That's just it though, I'm not trying to block her and I already told her I won't. But the way she is trying to file requires that both of us file together, fill the papers out together and be in complete agreement on everything. Including that the marriage can't be saved. I've already told her I will not participate in the filing so I don't even know why she would try to come to me this way.

You are being passive aggressive.

This is a business agreement. If she want to follow this process, do it. Get everything in complete agreement.



I keep my clothes. You keep yours. Both are equal value for balance sheet. Do you agree?
I keep this stuff. You keep this other stuff. Both are equal value on the balance sheet. Do you agree?
I keep my 401K. You keep yours. Mine is valued at X Yours is valued at Y.

I keep my car. You keep your car. this is the value of each. This is the difference that goes on one half of the balance sheet.


I want to keep the house. This is the value of the house. Do you agree or disagree?

Since you disagree on the price, I will let you have it on your half of the balance sheet.



Keep splitting the cookie.

You have these credit cards with this much debt. I have these with this much.


At some point there are two totals. An equalization amount comes from one of the two. I agreed to equalize of the course of several months.


What else besides the current assets and debt? Does she want maintanance? If not agree, to that. If so, think about that.

Child support is a formula. Are you pushing for 50/50 custody? Does she want more or less than that?

[mikeyb]

That's just it though, I'm not trying to block her and I already told her I won't. But the way she is trying to file requires that both of us file together, fill the papers out together and be in complete agreement on everything. Including that the marriage can't be saved. I've already told her I will not participate in the filing so I don't even know why she would try to come to me this way.

You are being passive aggressive.

This is a business agreement. If she want to follow this process, do it. Get everything in complete agreement.



I keep my clothes. You keep yours. Both are equal value for balance sheet. Do you agree?
I keep this stuff. You keep this other stuff. Both are equal value on the balance sheet. Do you agree?
I keep my 401K. You keep yours. Mine is valued at X Yours is valued at Y.

I keep my car. You keep your car. this is the value of each. This is the difference that goes on one half of the balance sheet.


I want to keep the house. This is the value of the house. Do you agree or disagree?

Since you disagree on the price, I will let you have it on your half of the balance sheet.



Keep splitting the cookie.

You have these credit cards with this much debt. I have these with this much.


At some point there are two totals. An equalization amount comes from one of the two. I agreed to equalize of the course of several months.


What else besides the current assets and debt? Does she want maintanance? If not agree, to that. If so, think about that.

Child support is a formula. Are you pushing for 50/50 custody? Does she want more or less than that?

I'm confused how I am being passive aggressive by not participating in the process of filing for D, I will be going against what I believe by doing it this way. If I go along with her filing for simplified dissolution I am agreeing that the marriage can't be saved. Which goes against how I feel there are other options for our problems. To do it this way I will be part of the filing process.