Hey Sandi, I appreciate all your help so far on my thread. So you know, my W and I are going to separate. She is moving to an apartment down the street. It is just a 1 bedroom and won't have washer/dryer hook up. This is a temporary separation to let her see what single life would be.
She mentioned keeping her part time job to help get the kids on and off the bus and then watching them in the summer. We have not talked about logistics but I don't want her thinking she would have the luxury of staying at "our" house and all the extra room and yard where she can do whatever and let the kids play. Also, since there is no washer/dryer hook up she had asked if she could do the laundry at "our" house still. I made the mistake of saying yes. No reading a lot of your reflections, I should have said No.
I am trying to figure out how to go about saying, you want to see what single life looks like or divorce life looks like, you need to do these things are your own and not at this house. Also, she has mentioned that she does not want to impact the kids as much as possible. I did make the mistake that divorce would make impacts to the kids. We still need to come up with logistics and such. I guess I can backtrack on the washer/dryer stuff at that point and other things to say that if we were divorced, you wouldn't have access to that stuff. What is your suggestion on this. You can reply here or in my thread. TIA
Being a skeptic whenever a WW is in the picture, I see several potential problems...….but there's some things I'm not sure you are seeing clearly. I feel that you want her to experience this separation with the same intensity if you were divorced. It's not going to happen. Not with her living down the street in a one bedroom apartment and working at a part time job, while you give financial support and have the kids fulltime.
Does she plan to have the kids spend some time at her apartment? Whenever a WW says she will leave the kids with the H, I immediately see issues...….especially when she has an apartment on the same street. However, if that's what you both want, then you need to realize she will want to spend time with them somewhere. It will be easy for her to drop by after work (around dinner time) to see them. And you've already told her she could do her laundry there, (which is another can of worms), but you don't want her thinking she can do whatever with the room and the yard while the kids play? It's a mess and one thing leads to another until it gets hard to know where to draw the line.
I think you would like to have a setup that would resemble a divorced couple, where she has to respect "your" place, just as you do "her" place. I get it, I would too. The problem is that most WW's we've seen on the board still think of the marital home as "their" place. If the H sets tight boundaries of when & how she can come & go during the S period, it makes the WW angry. She will claim he is controlling or being unfair, punitive, yada, yada. So, it's a tough position for the H, especially if he intends to keep the kids solely at his place.
You need to look at your main purpose for this physical separation. You continue to refer to it as "temporary". Is it b/c you hold out hope there will be a reconciliation, or is it b/c you want her to experience reality? I would guess it's both. However, I just don't think you will be able to treat it as a "temporary" separation, and .expect her to conduct things the same as if you were divorced. That being, having her treat "your" place as if it no longer her home. If you moved out into an apartment and equally shared kids time with her...….then she would probably respect it as "your" place. But if the kids are left in the marital home in dad's custody...….there's usually a problem with the WW's comings and goings. It has been rare to read about a WW leaving the marital home and the kids behind...….and .how they don't take advantage some way. She still sees it as her home just as much as his, and she wants her private apartment without giving up all the benefits from her previous place. If she's going to be keeping the kids at your place, you've just got a mess, and I don't think she's going to treat it as if she's detached while taking care of the kids there. I understand, but I don't think it's going to be like you want.
Plus, if things are not split up, then she has most of her things left in the home. Have the two of you discussed splitting household items? This is another side to the temporary thing. If you see the S as only temporary, then you (or she) may see no point in dividing things......and she probably won't have much room in that apartment. I'm rambling, but can you see how it can quickly get messy? I think you want to experience the S as if it were like a divorce, but realistically, I don't think your setup will be the same.
The other thing I want to warn you is that most WW's will call on the H to fix whatever is needed in the apartment, their car, computer, etc. Some of it is out of habit. So, you need to be prepared and know how you want to respond. You may tell her to call someone else, or you may want to take it as an opportunity to interact with her. She may fool me and not act like other WW's, but you need to think about this and how you want to handle it.
She wants her little apartment to have to herself, but she wants you to be available when she needs something. And as Another Stander pointed out, you may need her to be available to keep the kids.
Have you discussed this with your lawyer? Do you know what you can and cannot do legally? Just curious, but why did she ask if she could keep her part time job? I think she's going to expect more financial support (once she's out of the house) than you may be ready to give.....or continue to give.
Sorry for rambling.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So since this is not a legal separation, the L will not get involved as a written document is meaningless. She wouldhave the kids over to her apartment from time to time during this, mainly on alternating weekends. The girls are young where they need to have a parent at home to get them off the bus (next year, that is not the case). She will be there every morning to get them on the school bus. I don't have to adjust my schedule at all. This separation will require her to get up earlier, and be at the house before I leave (I am at work by 6AM so she has to be there by 5:45AM for me to get to work). She will then stay every day until I get off of work and then leave.
In the summer (if we are still S), she would have the kids during the day and I would get them in the evening after work since her part time job is through the school district, she gets any day the kids have off. She had asked during the dissolution of marriage talks if I was okay with her keeping her part time job while she got her master's. I told her that if we got divorced, that was not any of my decision on what she did since I would be required to pay spousal support for 3 years and that is it. On this separation, it is up to her as well if she wanted to get a full time job or what but that is up to her (she won't).
She is looking to buy some plates, glasses, etc that match our current set at our house and buy some cheap pans, etc. This way, if we R in the future, we just combine the stuff she already bought that matches.
We sat down yesterday after the blow up Tuesday night, and we decided to not pursue a D but to look at S and give us time and space away from each other. Limit our talks to kids only.
During this discussion, she mentioned that it seems I have been focusing too much attention on this OM. This is after I said that I have been up and down with her because I have been to focused on her and the R and not me. I was dumbfounded that she is surprised I am focused on the OM. If there was no more OM, I would not be as angry. But the fact that she has openly said she would not get rid of the OM and says stuff like I am taking a "step back" (whatever that means), I would continue to be angry and upset while in the house. This S has a lot to do with her refusal to cut off all contact with him.
My goal from this S is to be able to work on myself (found more things i need to work on and have IC focusing on that). This will allow me to have the "out of sight, out of mind" with her. She said to me about the kids and me, that maybe "absence will grow the heart fonder". She has admitted to putting up a wall around me and the children. hell, last night she admitted that she just stays in her BR to eat dinner as me and the kids eat downstairs together. She has closed up. I am hoping that her being away from the children and me, will allow her to work on herself and go through her journey and the process she needs.
And during this time, I can focus on me and my 180s to become a man a fool would want to leave. Then we can see if we can R in the following months.
She had the real big chance to file for D after Tuesday's blow up which I realized sounded controlling on how I came about it. This is a new 180 that I need to fix ASAP. She even called to schedule an appointment. We talked when she got home and that is when we decided to continue the S. It could have been a bluff but it was definitely heated. She yelled big time in front of the kids. She admitted yesterday that she had so much anger, that she wanted to hit me (she said that this was the first time she felt that being sober since most of the time she hit me, she was drinking or drunk).
That all sounds fine Anthony. I know you're not thrilled about her being around in the mornings and afternoons but as I said before it's a good compromise to limit your impact at work. Did y'all establish a timeline for how long this S will happen or is it open-ended?
She had asked during the dissolution of marriage talks if I was okay with her keeping her part time job while she got her master's. I told her that if we got divorced, that was not any of my decision on what she did since I would be required to pay spousal support for 3 years and that is it. On this separation, it is up to her as well if she wanted to get a full time job or what but that is up to her (she won't).
Maybe she was asking if it was okay, b/c it would affect how much/little time she would be available to keep the kids?
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I was dumbfounded that she is surprised I am focused on the OM. If there was no more OM, I would not be as angry. But the fact that she has openly said she would not get rid of the OM and says stuff like I am taking a "step back" (whatever that means), I would continue to be angry and upset while in the house. This S has a lot to do with her refusal to cut off all contact with him.
The two of you do have a communication problem, don't you? Have you not made it clear that this whole separation thing about your boundary of not being in an open MR? It doesn't sound as if you did. Why else would she be so surprised you are focused on the OM? The reason she's going to give for the S will be Anthony's issues. I think you need to brace yourself, b/c that's the excuse she'll probably give family & friends. "She just couldn't take living with Anthony any longer". So now, if you try to tell her it's b/c she did not honor your boundary.........it won't have any strength behind it. I thought you had already made that clear, but it is sounding as if she made the decision to leave and you just agreed to it without ever mentioning your boundary. If that's the truth, then don't try to come back at her now about her disrespecting your boundary, b/c she won't see the S as a consequence for dishonoring that boundary. Am I making sense? Yes, go ahead and physically S, but it's too late to say anything about it being the result of her affair. Just don't even try to have another conversation along those lines. Not now.
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She had the real big chance to file for D after Tuesday's blow up which I realized sounded controlling on how I came about it. This is a new 180 that I need to fix ASAP. She even called to schedule an appointment. We talked when she got home and that is when we decided to continue the S. It could have been a bluff but it was definitely heated. She yelled big time in front of the kids. She admitted yesterday that she had so much anger, that she wanted to hit me (she said that this was the first time she felt that being sober since most of the time she hit me, she was drinking or drunk).
Sometimes, the H tries to say something to his W that was worded to him on the board. But some of that stuff can't be said to the WW, b/c it will sound controlling or whatever to her. Okay, so let's try to get past all of that and look at your plan. I think your goal is good, but may need a little fine tuning. Work on yourself......absolutely. Focus on healing your inner child or whatever issues from the past is causing problems in your adult relationships. If you really work on just Anthony's issues, there may be no time to focus on your WW.....which will be good. And here's the thing, you can't really heal as long as you are watching her and her personal life. It's going to be like a hot poker sticking in your heart. The best route to take is to let her go.
Let her go. Don't fret over little things. Don't try to control how much cake she eats. Do what you think is fair and considerate, and don't try to make her feel something.....b/c you can't. Trust me, if you really let her go, she'll sense it. It's the biggest thing you could do to provoke her having a sense of loss for you. B/c if you genuinely let her go, she has lost you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
That has to be the hardest thing. Letting go. Is that mean detach? I wish there were tricks. I have read the detaching thread somewhat but yet to find a technique to detach. I know it is a continued process. One day I think I am detached and then the next, not so much.
On the OM and boundary. I have communicated that many times. However, she likes to spin it around to say that she needs away from me because of my issues. It is what it is on that. I have made it perfectly clear, numerous times.
We shall see. I just started meditating 15 minutes a day to help me relax. IC continues. Will see how this goes over time. I will continue to detach but let go. Letting go does not mean being cold or mean. I have been cold and angry around her. I am trying to figure this out and so far, nothing is helping.
Continuing to try and detach, drop the rope and let her go. She has been staying across the street but been over here a lot the last couple days. We have been mostly nice to each other. I answer questions as short as possible. She is texting me a lot more and I don’t respond unless it is a question or about the kids. I went out last night and got back around midnight. Continuing to try and focus all of my attention on me and the kids. Doing more home improvement projects and such. All I can do.
Yes I have and no help so far. She likes dangling carrots saying things like we need to look into getting a new car. Or we will get a bigger dog after our small dog some day. Making these statements as she is moving out and doing GGW.
Let her go. Don't fret over little things. Don't try to control how much cake she eats. Do what you think is fair and considerate, and don't try to make her feel something.....b/c you can't. Trust me, if you really let her go, she'll sense it. It's the biggest thing you could do to provoke her having a sense of loss for you. B/c if you genuinely let her go, she has lost you.
I don’t see what would or could happen if she senses she lost me. She has made it clear she hates me. She is done (said it at least 8 times). So if and when I can finally let go, what would hat do? I see it doing nothing.
