Did your D ever have a full evaluation, not just IC sessions? The reason I ask is because I know of someone whose D is very similar to your D. She had a very strong obsession with the mother, even to the point that in her late teens, when her mom agreed to go on an overnight ladies' trip, cried and cried. The trip was still weeks away.
She got diagnosed with Asperger's. It took a strong psychiatrist, who knew to consult with other disciplines, to get to that diagnosis. Because Asperger's sufferers can articulate social norms, even those they do not conform to, so it can be difficult for an IC to see that there are still problems (as you have experienced yourself). I may be way off here but felt compelled to at least mention the similarities.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Wolf what I meant by that is immediately after BD many of us who were dropped on are wide open to acceptance of any and everything that a WW claims as the reason for why the BD'd us. We were the cause of all of this, we did this, that and other and didn't do this, that and the other. In our desire to get our MR back we'll agree with anything the WW says to us...just to regain control of the lives we had and make the pain go away. With primarily time and patience, we LBSs will stabilize our emotions and instead of wily nilly accepting full blame for our WW leaving, we begin to realize that "um, it takes two to make an MR work and my WW didn't do this or this or that". Bottom line when you get to a place of acceptance that it was not all your fault and stop playing the victim and see things more clearly, that the point at which the power can shift back to you. You still seem very early days in your sitch while at the same time your WW is full speed towards D. Each of us get to that point at different points in time, but if you work on detaching and GAL and let your WW truly go, you will get there. The most amazing aspect of this whole deal is that the ability to get that power back rests ENTIRELY inside of you at this very time IF you have the courage and determination inside of you to make it so.
Another day of mediation and we finished up everything that needed to be worked out. It’s very hard for me to handle this because I don’t want this. I know I need to detach and GAL but it’s hard. I just need to vent a little. We were suppose to be a team forever, never did I think she would ever do this to me!!! I must say I am very depressed!! This is the hardest thing I ever had to deal with!! The woman I have been with for 19 years is gone. I think it’s time for me to move out. Obviously she is done. Here is the kicker. There was a package for her today that was open for some reason. So I was like great she is going to think I opened it. I looked inside and it was a book on how to find Mr. right. The rules of dating. Everyone says don’t believe what she says, well I think it’s pretty obvious now. She is done.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
WM, I know how you feel. It is awful. Finding out my W was in an EA and looking for apartments tore me up. Here internet searches were so hard to read. "Christian women and divorce" "Dating after marriage" Finding sex toys I knew nothing about. On and on and on.
Here is the deal. Just keep DBing. There is always a chance that she'll change her mind. Some women go all the way through D before they decide they want to reconcile.
Just focus on you. Take one day at a time. As hard as it is, don't dwell on it. Stewing in your own juices is the exact opposite of what you should be doing.
Hang in there man. We are all pulling for you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm a complete newbie but I've been reading your story. What Ballast said was dead on. I used to soak up everything my H said as gospel. Somewhere along the way (practicing detachment) the things H said could be heard by me and examined. Some things, yes, he was right. I did need to change that, but a lot was just him telling me how awful I was, things were always horrible, he did everything he could and he was done.
So the best thing I did was to accept the things I could change and to work on those just to make myself a better mom, wife (even if he doesn't ever want to come back) and human.
FWIW, my family has noticed my changes and it has helped in all of my relationships. I did have a lot to work on, still do. Without walking around with guilt and shame, rather, remorse and a determination to heal and move forward and change, I have a better feeling for my own future, no matter who is in it.
I am so sorry for your pain. You are not alone. Finding a book like that must have been another bomb. But IMO it's also rather telling, "Mr. Right" is an illusion. We are all imperfect. You have a choice to work on your stuff, it appears that she is unwilling to do so and instead, is looking for someone without fault, and we all know those are unicorns.
Stay strong. Take care of yourself.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Wolfman, I really feel for you. I do. Finding stuff like that, ( that points the WW in another direction, in another life away from you.) Like we all have experienced here. Really feels like a disbelieving kick in the nut$, head, and gut at once, that you thought your W was the "good girl" that she was your team mate through thick and thin for life, that you put all of your emotional, financial, familial, and intimate investments into them. My WAW/WW has similar books in her room, and the internet search I recovered from months ago, (no longer snooping) had the same effect on me.
What Ballast I think is saying about acceptance, is once your emotions level off, you will start to have clarity of the whole situation, will start to forgive yourself, will start to see WW in a while different light, rather then as despicable and cruel for their actions, you might see them as a hurt and scared animal, or a little girl that is hurting on the inside that just wants to escape from reality into a fantasy because their pain is too much to bear, and they have to flee either to another place, or another R. You can't help them, unless they ask, or want to help themselves. You might start to see them with detached and loving compassion from a distance, with logic, moral fiber, integrity, honor, and perseverance.
Who is doing the work here Wolfman? Who is operating with honor, integrity, logic? Who is learning more and more about inter relationships? For a better life. Surely that must be worth something to you as a man? Surely that must be some value of integrity?
Wolf...two of the hardest things I think for human beings to come to terms with are exactly what you must do. 1)The acceptance of truth and 2)being patient.
The ONLY truth you know as a wise vet once told me is that right now she IS done. The comfort truth is that at one time she loved you enough to marry you and the other comfort truth is that in time she could change her mind back from where she is now and want to get back together with you.
The biggest thing you can do to jack up your chances is not be able to be patient, give her time/space and let her go. That is the crappy truth, but you need to accept it. Best way to do that is work on you and save yourself. When I first got here I was like "how the H do I work on myself?" I couldn't really answer that question until I was far enough away from BD and my WW to really start to look at what I could have done better AND I read a ton and learned a HUGE amount about relationships that I had ZERO idea about before this experience forced me into doing so.
Any of us on here that have been BD'd know the pain you are feeling. We have walked in your shoes such that you are not alone. Posting here/venting here/journaling that's all good stuff. When you feel the need let it out here not towards your W. I can tell you for better than a year now I've taken continual "shots" to my pride/ego/whatever and I got off easy compared to so many others on this board. I remember wishing I could fast forward time in the early days. Bottom line it stinks and it's going to keep on stinking until with time and patience and your desire to save yourself you will begin to recover. Again you just have to keep making it through. Stupid simple to say, admittedly very hard to do.
My whole deal with acceptance and you turning the corner...you ever see the Matrix where at the end Keanu Reeves character all these bad guys shoot a ton of bullets at him and he raises his hand, stops the bullets in mid-air and goes "No..."? The bullets don't harm him at all, never even hit him. Well WW's seem to thrive on constantly shooting those types of "you were a total piece of crap for X,Y,Z" bullets at us all the time. Many times they are so crazy/bizarre we can't even recognize/understand what the H they even mean. For many of them that's all they know to do towards us. Well at some point in time just as ol' Keanu's character developed, learned and became self-aware his strength and belief in himself so to will you get to a point where you accept your part in the downfall of the MR, but then when your WW throws all the BS "all your fault bullets" at you..you will be stable enough to recognize it as crazy talk, raise your virtual hand and say "No..." to letting that stuff get to you. You will see her avoidance of her role in the MR, her selfishness, her greed, yes her crazy/don't make ANY sense and the best one "good lord who is this person I once married/loved?" You will see likely that this is FAR more about her than you and with acceptance of truth you will realize you CAN NOT help her at all.
Time, patience, endure. You are in a great trial in your life right now, but you will survive no matter the outcome and come out a stronger person for it.
Another day of mediation and we finished up everything that needed to be worked out. It’s very hard for me to handle this because I don’t want this. I know I need to detach and GAL but it’s hard.
That's OK, there's no rule that you must detach all day every day. Detachment isn't an on/off switch, it starts out in fits and starts and eventually you get more comfortable with it. If you have a down day then let it happen, don't fight the emotions.
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We were suppose to be a team forever, never did I think she would ever do this to me!!! I must say I am very depressed!! This is the hardest thing I ever had to deal with!! The woman I have been with for 19 years is gone. I think it’s time for me to move out. Obviously she is done.
Ballast said it best so I will just repost his quote:
"The ONLY truth you know as a wise vet once told me is that right now she IS done. The comfort truth is that at one time she loved you enough to marry you and the other comfort truth is that in time she could change her mind back from where she is now and want to get back together with you."
This is spot on. This was the truth when you got BD'd, and it is the truth now, and it will be the truth 6 months from now. Here's the thing, you already have a leg up on the competition because you have a unique set of qualities that she found attractive in the first place. It's likely that any OM she pursues will be "less than" you, a compromise. So what do you do? Become you squared. You become the ultimate you, so that she'll have no choice but to be attracted back to you.
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Here is the kicker. There was a package for her today that was open for some reason. So I was like great she is going to think I opened it.
I would just tell her you found it opened like that. If she asks you if you looked inside then say "yes" and walk off. Let her gears grind a little.
Thank you everyone. Today is a bad day for me. Just feeling down and depressed. This roller coaster of emotions is killing me. I let these emotions out with my parents not around her. I act as if everything is fine and wonderful. At this point I am considering moving out. I know that is usually not recommended but being there is making it harder. Also, by being there I am in a lose lose situation. I have always done everything around the house (take out the garbage, clean, food shop, make my kids lunch, cook half the time) so if I stop doing it she will say I am doing it just to be vindictive if I keep doing it I am a doormat. That’s why I think it’s best for me to leave. Any advice??
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
