Still in limbo

[Living]

Old thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2841122#Post2841122

[Living]

Also some of you vets have talked about how the LBS changes during this process and you’re absolutely right. I’m learning to control my actions, leading to guard my words. I’m still a work in progress but thank God I’m not the same woman that logged on here for the first time months ago. I’ve grown and he’s right something is different about me. I’m LIVING!

This is so great Living. I'm really glad to hear you were able to focus on yourself during H's guys trip, and keep the focus about you when he returned. If you can keep the focus on you I have no doubt you will continue to thrive.

What you said above made me think of something I shared with my friend. I feel like in this process that I'm going through I'm simultaneously happier than I have ever been and more desperately sad than I have ever been. I just feel like my range of emotions has exploded in both directions. I hear something similar in what you wrote - we are living out loud for the first time in perhaps years. I don't want us to ever lose that!

Yail, I agree. Although this situation we are all in is difficult, I’m so proud of the changes I’ve made.

As I’ve stated I’m a work in progress but at least I’m making progress. Glad to hear you are too! We’ve got this!

[Living]

Help...

Ok I need some advice, I don’t want to do the wrong thing.

H had been back from his trip for a week now. Things have been ok. We’ve had some good laughs and some time together.

Before he left out of no where he says that he wants to work on the M when he got back. He said he wanted to move back into the MBR and even suggested we go to counseling.

Fast forward to him coming back home and none of the above has happened. Now let me start by saying I really didn’t put much stock into those words when he said them. I was skeptical because they came out of no where. I’m not sure what his motive was of saying he’s ready to fight for the M, moving back into the MBR, and maybe we should go to counseling.

Now he’s back and like I said he’s still sleeping in the other room and we haven’t talked about that conversation. The rules say that I shouldn’t initiate R talks. So I haven’t brought it up.

So my question is, should I? Should I ask if he still feels the same as he did before he left for his trip?

Let me throw this nugget out. Yesterday he mentions that a co-worker was looking for another job in another state. Long story short, the co-worker lives in that state but commutes to our state for work. So he’s looking for a job closer to his home that he shares with his significant other.

My H goes on to describe these jobs, he makes them sound awesome. I could see his wheels spinning so I said...so I’m guessing you’ve thought about applying for one of these positions.

He then goes on to say would I be interested in moving 2 hours away. He knew the answer to that before he asked me that stupid question. Now knowing that my H tends to joke a lot, I didn’t know how to really take this. He was kind of smirking when we discussed it. But I know that MLC’ers can act impulsively.

So I told him, NO. I would not be interested in moving 2 hours away. We have a son in school and I’m not uprooting. Plus I’m not interested in moving to some small rural town. I told him if he did get that job he would be moving on his own. I told him but I would not stay M to him. He said why? He said you couldn’t go along with it for 2 years? I said no. He again asked why. I told him because one I don’t trust him and two because that’s not want I want for a M.

He then seems shocked that I said I didn’t trust him.

So now I think that this dude has really thought about this. And let me say this, if he takes a job 2 hours away, he will be doing so as a divorced man. I won’t put my life on hold while he moves away and possibly has relationships with other women. Nope, nope, and he11 NO.

[LH19]

So my question is, should I? Should I ask if he still feels the same as he did before he left for his trip?

No. If he is truly interested in reconciling he will bring it up again.

So I told him, NO. I would not be interested in moving 2 hours away. We have a son in school and I’m not uprooting. Plus I’m not interested in moving to some small rural town. I told him if he did get that job he would be moving on his own. I told him but I would not stay M to him. He said why? He said you couldn’t go along with it for 2 years? I said no. He again asked why. I told him because one I don’t trust him and two because that’s not want I want for a M.

Good answer! I probably would have left out the "I don't trust you part". Mainly because "that's not what I WANT from a marriage was a STRONG answer.

[Living]

So my question is, should I? Should I ask if he still feels the same as he did before he left for his trip?

No. If he is truly interested in reconciling he will bring it up again.

So I told him, NO. I would not be interested in moving 2 hours away. We have a son in school and I’m not uprooting. Plus I’m not interested in moving to some small rural town. I told him if he did get that job he would be moving on his own. I told him but I would not stay M to him. He said why? He said you couldn’t go along with it for 2 years? I said no. He again asked why. I told him because one I don’t trust him and two because that’s not want I want for a M.

Good answer! I probably would have left out the "I don't trust you part". Mainly because "that's not what I WANT from a marriage was a STRONG answer.

Thanks LH19, I won’t bring up what he said before. You’re right if he’s serious about it, then he will bring it up again.

I get what you’re saying about me saying I don’t trust him. That just came out because he was really pressing me on why I wouldn’t be on board with that idea. So the trust thing just came out before I said the part about not wanting that for our M.

Truth is if he wants to go, I don’t want to be the reason he stays. Of course I should be because we are M and have built a life here. But I realize he’s going through MLC and is in the process of trying to figure out who he is. I don’t want to be the person that holds him back from that. If he feels it would be best for him to relocate for a job, that’s his choice. He has a right to make that choice. I also have a right to make the choice to not go with him.

[Yail]

Living, this hits a bit close to home for me. My W left the state for a job. I hope to pass along some of my learning from my own mistakes.

You two are a team. Perhaps a broken team right now, but if you are intent on standing or continuing in any way with H I think this is the time to validate H's interest in another job or moving. You can still have your own desire to not move, but you need to fully hear and respect his interest.

He then goes on to say would I be interested in moving 2 hours away. He knew the answer to that before he asked me that stupid question. Now knowing that my H tends to joke a lot, I didn’t know how to really take this. He was kind of smirking when we discussed it. But I know that MLC’ers can act impulsively.

My W knew my answer too (I suspect), but instead of me hearing WHY she wanted to move I just shut down. I did not hold up my end of the partnership by giving her wishes the serious consideration it deserved. I should have put myself into a "well, what IF" mentality to see if it was something that would work for us. This was my biggest mistake and something I regret.

In my own situation perhaps a move would have been a good thing, I don't know.

Should you move? I can't say. You may know the answer is "no" for you - and that's okay. But only say "no" after you really HEAR your H.

So I told him, NO. I would not be interested in moving 2 hours away. We have a son in school and I’m not uprooting. Plus I’m not interested in moving to some small rural town. I told him if he did get that job he would be moving on his own. I told him but I would not stay M to him. He said why? He said you couldn’t go along with it for 2 years? I said no. He again asked why. I told him because one I don’t trust him and two because that’s not want I want for a M.

Your son's schooling is a valid concern. How you will fit in is a valid concern, though surmountable. I hope you will consider how much of this is you digging your heels in, or how much might be fear, or how much is a legitimate concern.

He said you couldn’t go along with it for 2 years?

I hope you really, really ask yourself this. Again, I'm likely putting too much of what I went through into your sitch. But I want you to ask yourself the question.

So now I think that this dude has really thought about this. And let me say this, if he takes a job 2 hours away, he will be doing so as a divorced man. I won’t put my life on hold while he moves away and possibly has relationships with other women. Nope, nope, and he11 NO.

If H has real reasons for wanting to pursue this job, he's going to take it. This seems like a line in the sand for you. I think you should ask him questions. What is his interest in the job? Is it an advancement? More responsibility? Better community or skill set match for him? Or does he just have a desire to run (which is what I seem to hear you implying). I think you need to really get to the bottom of what is of interest to you H.

[Living]

Living, this hits a bit close to home for me. My W left the state for a job. I hope to pass along some of my learning from my own mistakes.

You two are a team. Perhaps a broken team right now, but if you are intent on standing or continuing in any way with H I think this is the time to validate H's interest in another job or moving. You can still have your own desire to not move, but you need to fully hear and respect his interest.

He then goes on to say would I be interested in moving 2 hours away. He knew the answer to that before he asked me that stupid question. Now knowing that my H tends to joke a lot, I didn’t know how to really take this. He was kind of smirking when we discussed it. But I know that MLC’ers can act impulsively.

My W knew my answer too (I suspect), but instead of me hearing WHY she wanted to move I just shut down. I did not hold up my end of the partnership by giving her wishes the serious consideration it deserved. I should have put myself into a "well, what IF" mentality to see if it was something that would work for us. This was my biggest mistake and something I regret.

In my own situation perhaps a move would have been a good thing, I don't know.

Should you move? I can't say. You may know the answer is "no" for you - and that's okay. But only say "no" after you really HEAR your H.

So I told him, NO. I would not be interested in moving 2 hours away. We have a son in school and I’m not uprooting. Plus I’m not interested in moving to some small rural town. I told him if he did get that job he would be moving on his own. I told him but I would not stay M to him. He said why? He said you couldn’t go along with it for 2 years? I said no. He again asked why. I told him because one I don’t trust him and two because that’s not want I want for a M.

Your son's schooling is a valid concern. How you will fit in is a valid concern, though surmountable. I hope you will consider how much of this is you digging your heels in, or how much might be fear, or how much is a legitimate concern.

He said you couldn’t go along with it for 2 years?

I hope you really, really ask yourself this. Again, I'm likely putting too much of what I went through into your sitch. But I want you to ask yourself the question.

So now I think that this dude has really thought about this. And let me say this, if he takes a job 2 hours away, he will be doing so as a divorced man. I won’t put my life on hold while he moves away and possibly has relationships with other women. Nope, nope, and he11 NO.

If H has real reasons for wanting to pursue this job, he's going to take it. This seems like a line in the sand for you. I think you should ask him questions. What is his interest in the job? Is it an advancement? More responsibility? Better community or skill set match for him? Or does he just have a desire to run (which is what I seem to hear you implying). I think you need to really get to the bottom of what is of interest to you H.

Yail, thank you for your insight and for your advice.

This is a tough one for me. Now if H brings this topic up again, I will definitely ask questions and hear him out. Your advice is spot on with that (not saying you have any bad advice : )

That said, I don’t think for one second that my H would be taking another job as a promotion or to advance his career. That may be what happens as a result of accepting a new position but that won’t be the initial motive.

Here’s what I truly think. He would be running. He has previously entertained this idea and his IC advised him that moving to another state won’t solve his issues. He told him that he’ll only take his problems with him to a new state.

That said my H has always been hard-headed. So maybe he’s entertaining this idea again. I think he has gained some new friends at work (some of which he took the guys trip with) and he’s envious of some of the things they get to do. I think the fact that the co-worker is looking for the job in the other state, makes him want to do the same. The only difference is the co-worker actually resides in that state. So he’s trying to get a job in the state he lives in.

I think my H is wanting to run. He is still a confused ball of mess who is a walking contradiction.

One day it’s

* I love you ( he11 I just heard that this morning)
* I need you (heard that a few days ago)
* I’m going to work on trying to be a better man and I need you
* I’m ready to fight for the M
* But But I want out of the M
* I’m lost
* I’m confused
* I’m not happy
* I don’t think you’re the woman for me
* W aren’t sexually compatible (but but, I still will pursue sex from you and it’s good too < —- his words)
* You deserve better
* You’ll find someone better

Blah blah blah, I could go on and on. You know the MLC script. Sometimes I wonder if he has searched the Internet for the MLC script. Lol!

Truth is I can’t atop him from doing anything. I’m learning that daily. So if he wants to take a job in another state, so bet it. I’m just not sure I can sit around as his little faithful wife...while he does God knows what. There is no doubt in my mind that he would find someone who would be willing to be his mistress. Unfortunately there are a lot of women who have no problem being a mistress for a time. So I just get to sit back in limbo while he does whatever he wants. I don’t think I have that gift.

[Yail]

I agree with all of what you have written. Your H's back and forth does lead me to agree with you that he is exhibiting running behavior and that this isn't REALLY about career advancement. I do think that you sharing an interest in something that has captured his imagination may push things in the right direction - whatever that may be. I avoided conflict, and I'm here to report that it doesn't work (don't know why I did a winky face - it's really not funny!)

[AnotherStander]

Before he left out of no where he says that he wants to work on the M when he got back. He said he wanted to move back into the MBR and even suggested we go to counseling.

You didn't mention how you responded to this? Don't just throw the door open to him when he says things like this, tell him you need to see a serious commitment from him before you'll entertain him moving back into the MBR. Make him work for it.

Fast forward to him coming back home and none of the above has happened.

It was probably just a temp check rather than any serious commitment on his part. He wanted to throw it out there to see how you would respond, then he retreated into the castle.

Now let me start by saying I really didn’t put much stock into those words when he said them. I was skeptical because they came out of no where.

Good, very smart to keep your guard up!

Now he’s back and like I said he’s still sleeping in the other room and we haven’t talked about that conversation. The rules say that I shouldn’t initiate R talks. So I haven’t brought it up.

Great. If you bring it up you'll probably get BD'd all over again. Don't say anything, again HE needs to do all the work and if he returns and does nothing then that should tell you everything you need to know.

So I told him, NO. I would not be interested in moving 2 hours away. We have a son in school and I’m not uprooting. Plus I’m not interested in moving to some small rural town. I told him if he did get that job he would be moving on his own. I told him but I would not stay M to him. He said why? He said you couldn’t go along with it for 2 years? I said no. He again asked why. I told him because one I don’t trust him and two because that’s not want I want for a M.

AWESOME!!! That was a perfect response!

[Living]

I agree with all of what you have written. Your H's back and forth does lead me to agree with you that he is exhibiting running behavior and that this isn't REALLY about career advancement. I do think that you sharing an interest in something that has captured his imagination may push things in the right direction - whatever that may be. I avoided conflict, and I'm here to report that it doesn't work (don't know why I did a winky face - it's really not funny!)

Yes Yail I can’t say that he would relocate for responsible reasons. Currently I refer to my H as an adult adolescent. A lot of what he does is similar to what adolescents do. He acts on impulse without clearly thinking of the repercussions.

I swear I’ve sort of become obsessed with reading about MLC because I’m living so much of the information I read. On one hand it’s good to know I’m not crazy or imagining things. On the other hand, it’s sad to watch him destroy so much.

So even though I have good days and bad days, I’m still alive. Lol! I’m currently tackling a to-do list. I’ve been doing that daily just to help keep me busy.

Thanks again!