Yesterday I had a thought that made me sad. I thought...maybe just maybe...H has lost it for me just as he said. Maybe he no longer loves me. Sure he cares about me but he doesn’t love me. I’m not sure a M can survive if one partner doesn’t love the other one. I mean he tells me that he loves me. Not daily like he used to but at least once a week. It’s crazy how he used to tell me he loved me everyday and now I hear it once (if I’m lucky) maybe twice a week.
Living - you know what folks here would say about your paragraph above about your H? I think you do know...
Those are his feelings... right now. If his feelings did change it means they changed once. They can change again.
My personal belief in your sitch is that H simply does not have access to his emotions right now. Not the full range, anyway. He wants to feel love - he is maybe even really trying to feel love - but he just can't get there. That's what depression can do.
I’m still working on adapting a healthy diet. I’m trying to force myself to eat breakfast which is tough. I did lose 2 pounds last week, so yay me. However, I know I have to get better at not skipping meals.
I used to go on diets with my XW and we would yoyo back and forth on weight. Then she hit on a diet (I can't remember the name of it, it's been 7 or 8 years ago now) and it was all about relearning how to eat rather than trying to deprive yourself. One of the important points was this:
There are 4 phases of hunger- A) I'm not hungry B) I could eat but I'm not really hungry C) I'm really hungry I should eat and D) I am starving and will devour anything remotely edible as soon as it's in front of me. Your body starts burning fat stores during C but not during A or B. So if you force yourself to eat during A or B then your body converts it to fat stores because it doesn't need energy. You don't want to eat during D because you will overeat due to being overly hungry. So you eat during C. Not right away because you want to take advantage of the fact that your body is burning fat stores, but you do want to eat before you get to D.
With the above in mind, do not eat if you're not hungry! If you're at A or B in the mornings then don't eat breakfast! Some people need to eat in the mornings and others don't. I am in the latter group, I never eat breakfast even though I am up at 5 am every day.
Also don't eat fast. People typically eat too fast, the body will send you "full" signals when it's had enough but if you eat too fast the signal comes after you have overeaten. And all that excess food just goes into fat stores.
Drink lots of water! Your body will send you hunger feelings if it's dehydrated. Sometimes you'll feel hungry and drink water and feel OK again. That's not because your body feels "full" from the water (which is what a lot of people believe), it is because your body was just trying to tell you that you were dehydrated. Also your body will tend to hold water if you don't drink enough, so ironically drinking plenty of water helps you lose water weight.
There were a lot of other cool tips and tricks like always leaving something on the plate, eat the foods you like best first off the plate, pushing the plate away as a signal to yourself that you are done, etc.
Another tip I learned elsewhere is fasting helps you to burn fat as well. I don't eat after 11 pm at night, don't eat breakfast and have lunch at 11:30. So basically I fast 12 hours every day. I do start getting hungry around 9:30 or 10:00 but it's B or C above and I eat before I get to D.
Since implementing these things years ago, I have been able to maintain my bodyweight within about a 5 pound +/- range for years and years and I pretty much eat whatever I want. I do eat salads but I also have a burger now and then, or Tex-Mex food or a chocolate malt If you don't deprive yourself then you don't feel the need the binge on whatever it is you've been depriving yourself of.
Yesterday I had a thought that made me sad. I thought...maybe just maybe...H has lost it for me just as he said. Maybe he no longer loves me. Sure he cares about me but he doesn’t love me. I’m not sure a M can survive if one partner doesn’t love the other one. I mean he tells me that he loves me. Not daily like he used to but at least once a week. It’s crazy how he used to tell me he loved me everyday and now I hear it once (if I’m lucky) maybe twice a week.
Living - you know what folks here would say about your paragraph above about your H? I think you do know...
Those are his feelings... right now. If his feelings did change it means they changed once. They can change again.
My personal belief in your sitch is that H simply does not have access to his emotions right now. Not the full range, anyway. He wants to feel love - he is maybe even really trying to feel love - but he just can't get there. That's what depression can do.
Thanks for chiming in Yail. I’m glad I logged in today.
I’m positive that you’re right about my H feelings. I read up some more on male menopause and my H definitely checks off a lot of those symptoms. I know he’s suffering from a combination of that and mid-life crisis. Sometimes I need to re-read information to remind myself that he is indeed going through something. It helps me have compassion and empathy for him.
I’m sure he loves me in some sort of way right now but like you said he’s having a tough time getting there and even showing the love.
Day by day I’m getting better at not ignoring him but I’m just not letting his mess consume me anymore. I get up and go about my day and I’m thankful that I’ve gotten to this place.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
I’m still working on adapting a healthy diet. I’m trying to force myself to eat breakfast which is tough. I did lose 2 pounds last week, so yay me. However, I know I have to get better at not skipping meals.
I used to go on diets with my XW and we would yoyo back and forth on weight. Then she hit on a diet (I can't remember the name of it, it's been 7 or 8 years ago now) and it was all about relearning how to eat rather than trying to deprive yourself. One of the important points was this:
There are 4 phases of hunger- A) I'm not hungry B) I could eat but I'm not really hungry C) I'm really hungry I should eat and D) I am starving and will devour anything remotely edible as soon as it's in front of me. Your body starts burning fat stores during C but not during A or B. So if you force yourself to eat during A or B then your body converts it to fat stores because it doesn't need energy. You don't want to eat during D because you will overeat due to being overly hungry. So you eat during C. Not right away because you want to take advantage of the fact that your body is burning fat stores, but you do want to eat before you get to D.
With the above in mind, do not eat if you're not hungry! If you're at A or B in the mornings then don't eat breakfast! Some people need to eat in the mornings and others don't. I am in the latter group, I never eat breakfast even though I am up at 5 am every day.
Also don't eat fast. People typically eat too fast, the body will send you "full" signals when it's had enough but if you eat too fast the signal comes after you have overeaten. And all that excess food just goes into fat stores.
Drink lots of water! Your body will send you hunger feelings if it's dehydrated. Sometimes you'll feel hungry and drink water and feel OK again. That's not because your body feels "full" from the water (which is what a lot of people believe), it is because your body was just trying to tell you that you were dehydrated. Also your body will tend to hold water if you don't drink enough, so ironically drinking plenty of water helps you lose water weight.
There were a lot of other cool tips and tricks like always leaving something on the plate, eat the foods you like best first off the plate, pushing the plate away as a signal to yourself that you are done, etc.
Another tip I learned elsewhere is fasting helps you to burn fat as well. I don't eat after 11 pm at night, don't eat breakfast and have lunch at 11:30. So basically I fast 12 hours every day. I do start getting hungry around 9:30 or 10:00 but it's B or C above and I eat before I get to D.
Since implementing these things years ago, I have been able to maintain my bodyweight within about a 5 pound +/- range for years and years and I pretty much eat whatever I want. I do eat salads but I also have a burger now and then, or Tex-Mex food or a chocolate malt If you don't deprive yourself then you don't feel the need the binge on whatever it is you've been depriving yourself of.
Thanks for all the tips Ready2Change, these are brilliant. I’ve only been eating small things in the morning, normally a piece of fruit or a hard-boiled egg. This has been off and on for the last couple of weeks.
I’ve been fasting like that for forever. Lol! Who knew that was a thing? Lol! I don’t eat after 8 pm and normally don’t have my first meal until around 12ish noon. So I guess that’s not tough for me to do.
Next up is to incorporate more exercise. I joined a gym but my schedule is nuts. So haven’t really been going. I’m hoping to change that here shortly. I also love getting out and walking the beautiful trails that we have here.
Overall I’m happy with the progress I am making!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
If you follow my thread you know about a week ago I mentioned that H joked about looking for a job in another state.
Well this morning (early) this morning he decides he now wants to talk to me about this.
Apparently some new positions just came open. There’s a few here locally and some in other states. He comes to me and says he thinks he wants to apply to the positions.
My response was, if that’s what you want to do I won’t stand in your way. He then goes on and explains that the positions are only 2-year assignments so it’s possible he would only be gone for 2 years. Again, I said if that’s what you want, I won’t stand in your way.
He then ask, so what does that mean for us? I said it means that I won’t put my life on hold while you move somewhere and do only God knows what.
He then says, what makes you think I would go somewhere and do something inappropriate. My response was that the trust has been broken multiple times and hasn’t been rebuilt yet. I told him if I can’t trust you locally, what makes you think I’m going to trust you living somewhere else.
So he then ask what does this mean for our house. I told him I’m not sure but what I’m not going to do is take a huge financial hit because he decided to move across country.
I wrapped the conversation up with telling him, that If he decides that he wants to relocate, I’ll wish him the best but I won’t be waiting for him. I told him that’s not an ultimatum, it’s a fact. It’s not me telling him what he should do, it’s me telling him what I won’t do.
The crazy thing is he seemed shocked at my stance. But I’m dead serious. There is no way I’m staying the faithful wife while he moves and does whatever he wants.
As he was taking I did validate his feelings. But I didn’t mince words. Was I wrong? Did I handle it ok?
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
You handled it perfectly. Nothing wrong with telling him it doesn't work for you. He's noticing you are getting fed with his BS and he doesn't like it.
You handled it perfectly. Nothing wrong with telling him it doesn't work for you. He's noticing you are getting fed with his BS and he doesn't like it.
Thanks LH19. I’m glad to hear you think I handled it well. Sometimes emotions get high. However during the conversation I remained calm. I even had to remind myself to be calm. At one point he asked if I was upset with him. I said no and then I went on to validate his reasons for why he feels this is a good idea for him.
And...I’m beyond getting fed up with his B.S. it’s one thing after another. But if he feels like he needs to go and that will make him happier...so be it. But again, I refuse to put my life on hold while he runs across country.
I mean even his IC advised him not to look for a job in another state. He told him that running won’t fix his problems. He told him that’s not the solution and won’t help him. But true to his form my H can’t listen to anyone. He’s dead set on blowing his life up. So fine...let him blow it up. But I won’t be around to help him pick up the pieces.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
I mean even his IC advised him not to look for a job in another state. He told him that running won’t fix his problems. He told him that’s not the solution and won’t help him. But true to his form my H can’t listen to anyone. He’s dead set on blowing his life up. So fine...let him blow it up. But I won’t be around to help him pick up the pieces.
Yes but you have to remember that their emotions dictate everything. Not logic and reason.
Yes but you have to remember that their emotions dictate everything. Not logic and reason.
I do remember that LH19. The fact that from one week to the next that he’s all over the place proves that. I know he acts impulsively and definitely isn’t thinking with logic. The fact that he’s romanticized us living in 2 different state in marital bliss also proves he’s not thinking logically.
The sad part for him will be when logic returns and he realizes what he’s lost. I’ll pray for him when that happens.
Now there’s no guarantee that he will get a position, just because he applied. However the fact remains that he’s looking. And I’m sure he’ll continue to look. And my position remains the same.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
If you don't deprive yourself then you don't feel the need the binge on whatever it is you've been depriving yourself of.