thank you for your input. I will be cautious as we start this process but I'll also do what I can to be a better partner and I will no longer be afraid to speak up and say what I'm feeling.
Hopefully this is like a 2nd marriage for us...just a better one.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Wow, how similar a story to mine. My W was sexually assaulted a year before we met. She never got help with it. Just does how the rest of her family deals with difficult things - ignore, do not talk about, repress. Anyway, there is a 10 year age difference between us. Her dad has been sick lately, and when she BDed me it was right after it looked like his heart was going to give out. She said she couldn't trust me to be there for her emotionally if he died. Erased all history of my dad's near-miss with heart-failure and her less than supportive behavior at the time. Then promptly escaped into an EA with a guy from her graduate class. There is definitely a lot of trauma in her life, and it seems be a key component in some of our situations. Seems to come out of lack of tolerance to stress I suppose.
MarcPa. This article may be of interest to you regarding personality types and how people deal with confluct, stress, and trauma. See if it resonates with how your W says she is feeling as of lately.
Try Googling Anxiety Symptom #5 Emotional numbness or look the 3 D's of psychology. Depersonalization, Derealization, and Disassociation.
Add to that Attachment Trauma and Avoidant Personality Disorder. My W had so many traumatic experiences in her life and tried to suppress it off for so long that's it is really ingrained in her identity. With her PTSD she can just keep herself afloat. My frustration with her idiosyncrasies, my lack of understanding, and my anger at her avoiding dealing with her issues just caused her to retreat even further inward. I've come to realize this only too late, and I regret many things I've done and said, but then I remind myself that life doesn't work like that. So I'm grateful that, in a way, it was a gift that motivated me to get a better understanding of people's suffering. It helped me forgive her and myself, and others. Besides, can't see the future, who knows what's around the corner. Ultimately I can't help her by being too close I guess. Learning that the hard way.
jac, I know you have asked her point blank and so has her brother, but most cheating spouses will not admit to an affair unless there is proof proving they are cheating. However, I can't help but note that she has moved out. Another anti-D author I've read states, and I found it to be true, that WAWs do not need their own place to find themselves, or to work on the marriage, or any of the other crap reasons they give. WAWs need their own place to sleep with other people. Whether they are in an active affair, or whether they are setting up for sleeping with someone later. In my case, my W was wanting to move out. She was in a long distance EA, neither of them had the means to travel to see the other person. She may have fantasized about him driving up once she had her own place, but I doubt he could have even swung that. But even after that ended she was still wayward and looking for the next OM.
Once we started to reconcile and piece she gave up on her desire to move out. Just be aware that she may already be involved with someone. She may not be on the prowl. A lot of markers are there. My W started to distance herself from friends, family, church members, everyone. She knew everyone around her would tell her what she was doing was wrong, and she didn't want to hear that.
jac, keep working on detachment. GAL. 180s. Just focus on yourself. You can only control you.
My WW wouldnt even admit it when i confronted her with proof. I had to let her listen to a recording of herself having phone sex with OM.
So glad my D is almost over. Stay strong Jac. Its all about you now. My M crashed and burned. I recognized my toxic behavior 3 years+ ago and changed myself into a much better person and finally got physically healthy. My WW is NPD/BPD. She fully embraced her NPD and treated me horribly. To the point where I lost all respect from her and also stopped loving her.
Your situation may not end up like mine. My WW sees my changes and it just makes her bitter and more hateful because the current version of herself cant have me. My WW will never change. Her loss and my gain because I am doing very well for myself.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I can relate to the BPD part cuz apparently I have characteristic traits and I'm seeking DBT therapy it's actually helping a lot just in the short three weeks along with divorce busting, in getting my black and white mindset straight and open to other possibilities ways of thinking and managing emotions and regulating them
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
