Tonight my W said she wanted to buy me out of the house. When she told me that I had 2 emotions run through my body. The first was sadness that I will no longer live in this house with my w and kids. The other was relief that my kids were going to stay here. It’s very hard that this home that I worked so hard on won’t be mine anymore and that when i walk in the door I will be a visitor. Just wanted to express my emotions.
In that conversation we spoke a little about our relationship. She brought up things from the past and I acknowledged those mistakes. I told her I was in shock that it got to this point. She said she was shocked that I didn’t see my mistakes sooner and try to work on them then. I said I understand now looking back at how bad some of my bevaiors were and that those behaviors are gone. Again she expressed only for now, she doesn’t believe people change. Since she believes people don’t change and she said she can’t do this anymore that’s why we are headed for divorce.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Tonight my W said she wanted to buy me out of the house. When she told me that I had 2 emotions run through my body. The first was sadness that I will no longer live in this house with my w and kids. The other was relief that my kids were going to stay here. It’s very hard that this home that I worked so hard on won’t be mine anymore and that when i walk in the door I will be a visitor. Just wanted to express my emotions.
Is there no way for you to keep it on your income? If not then that may be your best option. I absolutely love my house, I'm an architect and I've done a lot of work on it in the 20 years I've lived there. It's a piece of me. My son wasn't born yet and my daughters were quite young when we moved in, so they've all grown up there. When I got BD'd my W brought up her buying me out and staying there, but the thought of being a stranger in my own house and even worse, of some OM living there and basically taking my place, no it just wasn't going to happen. It's been a stretch affording it on my own but I have no regrets over that choice. But you have to do what is financially right for you and if you can't afford it then don't saddle yourself with trying to, my brother did that in his D and has regretted it ever since.
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In that conversation we spoke a little about our relationship. She brought up things from the past and I acknowledged those mistakes. I told her I was in shock that it got to this point. She said she was shocked that I didn’t see my mistakes sooner and try to work on them then. I said I understand now looking back at how bad some of my bevaiors were and that those behaviors are gone. Again she expressed only for now, she doesn’t believe people change. Since she believes people don’t change and she said she can’t do this anymore that’s why we are headed for divorce.
It's all your fault, she's perfect, you're never going to change and she doesn't need to. It's all straight out of the WAS handbook. Deflection and guilting. In the future just validate, don't "own your mistakes". When you do that you're just helping her to justify what she's doing. Just say things like "that must have been very difficult for you" and "I'm sorry you feel that way."
Wolfman: Believe NOTHING they say, and only half of what they do.
I can't tell you the number of things my W said. She said all the classic things. "I wish you had realized your mistakes sooner." "I don't want to give you false hope." "I need to find myself." "I don't want to be married anymore."
I've told several other posters that if you told me early on in my sitch that we had a chance of Ring I would have told you that you were crazy. She wasn't sure of a lot but NOT being married to me was one thing she was dead set on. She even said, very exasperated at one point, "I guess we can stay married as long as I sleep somewhere else!" Meaning not sharing a bed anymore. That is how repulsed she was by me. Even compared me to a very undesirable guy we both know. "The thought of sex with you is like having it with -insert guy here-." Talk about devastating.
The point is that a large percentage of the stuff that comes out of their mouths never comes to fruition. In fact, it was 2 months later that she was initiating sex with me constantly for 2 weeks.
So all I can do is encourage you to not focus on what she says it does, it will drive you crazy. Focus on detaching. Focus on your 180s. Focus on your GAL. How is GAL going by the way?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
They are all mostly hipocrytes. They want you to do all the changing, all the work, all the awareness, but when you point out the scorecard of how they could have acted differently or did things differently on their part to negate, they are perfect in their own minds. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU! PERIOD! Yes just validate.
Im starting to form a different oppinion of women in general and their fickle feelings. They don't love you for you, they just love what you can do for them and how you make THEM FEEL ABOUT THEMSELVES.
Remember this... They're never yours... Its just your turn....
IHC, I would suggest IC if you haven't been going. Generalizations are never good, and much of what you just said can also apply to men in relationships as well. Cynicism should be worked through, otherwise you will be caught in a cycle of failed relationships due to being jaded towards members of the opposite sex.
Do you have sisters and is your mother still alive and in your life? Do you lump them into that category as well?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
My situation we can't afford to buy either one of us out so whatever proceeds we make from the sale I'm going to have to use all my retirement on a mobile home, and live as meager as possible with potential CS. I know it rocks your world Wolfman, especially when you have to,look at your own home that you put your time, love, energy and commitment into, to watch your dream get flushed because of someone's feelings. But take the money and run and rebuild.
"So all I can do is encourage you to not focus on what she says it does, it will drive you crazy. Focus on detaching."
What Steve said above will help you the most Wolfman. In a battered state after BD, the LBS is like a sponge willing to take on whatever blame the WW throws at them. Over time as you detach, GAL and gather your bearings again when you hear those words from her you will reach a point of "hey wait a minute, that's a bunch of crap, just not true" and likely if the basic stuff fails to work on you, she'll pull out even more dysfunctional things to throw at you and THAT will help push you to detach further as you'll recognize it as truly crazy talk.
Validate as AS has provided to you, but realize you were good enough for her to marry so you have all that was needed for her to want you forever. Detach, GAL and realize this is out of your control, if she wants to walk another lady will be very lucky that she did. When the LBS takes back their power from the WW, the whole game changes whether or not the WW ever comes back. You just have to endure.
Thanks for the advice all. I will continue to validate and not accept the blame. You are right that only justifies her feelings. I have been GAL I go to the gym, just randomly go to the store. I go out on weekends.
Ballast you said when the LBS takes back their power the game changes. Can you give what you mean by that? Specific examples? Also, I am having another problem, wanted to know if anyone else dealt with this. My D has this unhealthy obsession with my W, has suffered from separation anxiety since she was 6. She is 11 now. She has been going to IC on and off again since she was 6. Reason why on and off again because the IC would say she is over it and then a few months later it would start up again and have to bring her back. So now because of the situation she has completely sided with my W. She won’t talk to me walk out of a room I am in. Every little thing I do she tells my W. This is hurting me too. I go to IC and explained what she thought. Just wanted to know if any of you dealt with that with any of your kids and how did you deal with it?
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Steve, how long did your situation last before it got better? How did you know when it was getting better? She said those exact lines to me too, “I wish you realized your mistakes sooner.” “I don’t want to give you false hope.” Crazy how they say the exact same things.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
