The last 2 days I have been depressed to the point of suicidal. I was doing ok and then D6 called him to say she loved him and missed him and wanted him to come home. He said I love you and mummy as well and I will come home on Monday. She got really excited and said are you stopping the divorce and he said no, I’m not I love your mummy but I don’t want to be married to her anymore. And it broke me. To hear him confuse her like that. I grabbed the phone and told him it wasn’t ok and just spiraled from there.
I’m struggling with the thought of spending the rest of my life feeling like this. I need to get a new IC. My current one, I always feel much worse when I see her. We spend the whole session talking about him and not about how I can become better or feel better, it’s a struggle to find someone new but I will.
Yesterday was the first day completely alone. With D6 at bio dad’s and H still in Vegas. I made plans and back up plans and they all fell through. I couldn’t find the strength to get out of bed. My depression hit rock bottom and I just wanted to end it. He called and I told him. Stupid right? For someone that is running away from Pressure, I just added a ton more. But honestly in that moment, we’ll hours of moments yesterday, I wanted it over. I feel stupid today, still very low but strong enough to do better. I did so well for that first month, and now I have undone all the good parts. I know there are setbacks but can I really start again from here? I am trying to focus on the basics. No pursuing, GAL, no R talks, lots of space.
I’m scared and lonely and don’t want this divorce. I want my husband back. I need to remember that this journey will be worth it but for right now I have lost all hope and this weekend just reaffirmed to him that he made the right choice. How do I undo this?
ILYBINILWY - 11/19/18 Got Better - 12/20/18 Counseling - Jan and Feb MIL issues - Jan BD - 2/13/2019 IHS - 2/14/2019
Praying comfort for you Hope! We can all relate to the feelings you are having. Those of us who found ourselves here all have been scared, lonely and just like you didn't want a divorce...and yet we had no way to stop it nor change that fact.
As Ready says you are very early days and its impossible to believe, but things will get better. Time unfortunately does not move along as fast as we would like sometimes. I can't even really remember the first 6 months post-BD. They were like a blur and I lived very much in a depressed/zombie like state. As Ready as well says you just have to keep making it through. Draw on your family, friends, co-workers, your faith and all of the fine folks on here.
You have a D6, I have a D4. My WW in better than a year has never spoken at all of not divorcing even to saying it was for the best for D4. I see my special, happy, beautiful girl growing up right in front of me with all of the wonder and possibilities and hope in her young life and yet...EVERY day I grieve to myself that she will not be able to have in her young life her Mommy and Daddy living together with her.
TIME, PATIENCE, ENDURE...you like the rest of us have been dealt a horribly unfair and painful thing to deal with...that is TRUTH...but YOU have the power within yourself to choose how you will let it affect you. That is TRUTH as well. The only question now is will you let this event control you. ALL of us are pulling for you not to let that happen as we know it will get better for you.
You are having a really rough time . You want to know how to undo it ? It’s going to be tough and you are going to have to find ways to deal with the hurt and keep going even when you feel you can’t . Be the best Hope that only a fool would leave . Someone who is fun to be around, who smiles , who is attractive, who other people like . Be a great mother. Stay strong , you can do it
Know that you have not failed. Everyday that you manage to get out of bed is another day conquered. It [censored]. Believe me I know. I have had days where I have done nothing but cry. Alone in this big house, without my children and my husband, I ask myself what is the point. 16 years of building a life that is now being taken away from me. Eventually, I force myself up. I force myself to do a meditation or a yoga class alone in my bedroom. I sort through clothes, I put on music very loudly, I clean cupboards. I force myself. Eventually it passes, and I remember I am FS. I was FS before him. And I was fine. Their is life after our spouses.
Plans will fall through. It is the nature of people. That is why it is important to get comfortable with being alone. At first the space will be immense. A massive void that can't be filled. But eventually, it will be your space - and you will, weird as it sounds, resent him invading it when he is around.
Re the phone call. It is early days. You will panic and will do anything to draw him back in. Know that nothing will draw him back in right now. Accept this but also accept you are human this [censored] hurts and hurt people do stupid things. I have done a ton of them. I have degraded myself in front of him, screamed and yelled at him and begged him to come home. I will tell you what I was told on this forum. You screwed up. Now get back on that horse.
Right now you need to heal. It is good that you are in IC. Use that to work through your pain. But, I would also suggest doing other things which have nothing to do with going inwards and exploring your emotions. Do something that gets you out there and gets your heart pumping again. Go online and see what groups are in your area. You need to find and do something that isn't about the pain, but about finding life again. Some here have joined groups that meet to play board games, others have volunteered at church or at shelters, and others have found groups that go for hikes or long walks. Find one and just go. I know it is way out of your comfort zones but go anyway. Once you do it, I promise, you will not regret it.
We have all been where you are. Breath. You can get through this. The rain [censored]. But rain is needed to grow. Weather the storm. The air will be fresher, the trees and plants greener, and the world brighter, when the storm passes.
I am sorry you're having a rough time of it but rest assured, we all have. We got through it (or are getting through it) and you will too! This isn't about success or failure, you are on a journey of change. You were put on this journey against your will but often in life we have these changes of direction thrust upon us and all we can do is make the best of it that we can.
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The last 2 days I have been depressed to the point of suicidal.
Go to your doctor and tell them you've had suicidal thoughts and think you may be in depression. They'll give you a questionnaire to fill out so they can evaluate where you are and what kind of treatment to pursue. Please do not think this will just go away on its own, it probably won't. Don't be afraid of taking medication for it and don't be scared you'll have to be on the medication forever because often that's not the case. For me it really hit me about 3 months post-BD. I thought I was doing fine, then out of nowhere I fell into deep depression and had thoughts of suicide. I saw my doc and went on A/D's and anti-anxiety medication. A month later I felt better than I had since BD, like my old self again. After 3 months on the meds I weaned off (after discussing it with my doc) and had no ill effects from it. I've felt fine ever since. I wish more people here would do this instead of suffering because it was instrumental in my recovery and there is no shame in it. Depression is a medical condition, it's no reflection on you as a person.
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I’m struggling with the thought of spending the rest of my life feeling like this.
This isn't permanent even though it feels like it now. For now don't worry about the future. Don't even think about it. Focus on today, and if that's still too much then focus on the next hour or 10 minutes or whatever it takes.
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I know there are setbacks but can I really start again from here?
Yes of course. We all have/ bad setbacks, it's part of it. All you can do is learn from it and keep moving forward.
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I’m scared and lonely and don’t want this divorce. I want my husband back. I need to remember that this journey will be worth it but for right now I have lost all hope and this weekend just reaffirmed to him that he made the right choice. How do I undo this?
Well you don't "undo" it per se, but what you do is make yourself the best "you" that you can be. You rebuild yourself. Become strong and independent. It takes months and months of hard work. And once you do that you will find yourself caring less about him and more about yourself. THEN he may be attracted to you again. He's not going to be attracted to you when you are sad and depressed and lonely, that will make him run. But when you get back to being strong and confident then that will catch his eye. He'll start to worry about what he's missing.
This isn't about success or failure, you are on a journey of change. You were put on this journey against your will but often in life we have these changes of direction thrust upon us and all we can do is make the best of it that we can.
Very well stated.
After the bomb drop, time slowed way down. Each day felt like it lasted a week. I had a IRL support person. He said go see doctor. Anti-depressants kept the lows from going really low. Sleeping pills helped me sleep.
Take care of you, and your kids. Find happiness in just that.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
It's been a really long time since I updated but I think I am ready to again... very long story short...the constant manipulation of hope for the future, hot and cold, ignoring me then wanting sex, chasing me when I pulled back etc led to me having a complete breakdown, hospitalized for being suicidal and a month long therapy program. He cried when I was hospitalized, visited me every day and had been somewhat supportive and then it went back to how it was.
I didn't refuse to sign papers but also made no effort to sign either. Our anniversary came around and he said he wanted to do something, by this point I was breaking all the DB rules and talking about how I knew we were meant to be together and we even discussed how it could be a remarriage on our anniversary next year, he just kept saying he needed time and space and that he hadn't had the chance to miss me.
Well my anti-depressants finally stopped changing causing me mood swings etc and last week I saw everything so clearly, I got sucked into his drama again of hot and cold and decided no more, he again raised the point that I wouldn't sign so I agreed to meet him at the attorney office that day and sign.
He didn't say a word, he didn't apologize, didn't shed a tear. I silently cried and as was over I put our wedding rings on the table in front of him and walked out. That was last Thursday, he came home for 2 hours where I completely ignored him, I'm not ready to have any contact with him yet, he packed a bag and left no idea where he stayed but he is on a business trip this week. I went and bought a new car on Saturday and have been concentrating solely on me, my recovery, GAL. I realized he isn't him anymore, this new version is horrible and I don't want to be married to him. I have found myself again and I do hope that one day he finds himself and we end up back together but I have finally accepted that life will be fine if that doesn't happen.
He text me yesterday and today but I can't bring myself to reply. I know its wrong but I am now completely no contact with him, ignoring him 100%, staying far out of his way. This is what he wanted, he can have it. It didn't have to be like this but I love myself enough now to know I deserve so much better. I have to live with him until august 1st, so that will be difficult maybe in a few weeks I won't be ignoring him, but I certainly won't be staying friends with him like he wants.
just every symptom of a Walk Away Spouse, and I have finally learned I just need to let go, let him on his journey and not be completely focused on us being together again as it was killing me. I can move on and detach (struggling with the lovingly part), and just accept that what will be will be. It's hard but its better than where I was
ILYBINILWY - 11/19/18 Got Better - 12/20/18 Counseling - Jan and Feb MIL issues - Jan BD - 2/13/2019 IHS - 2/14/2019
Concentrate on your healing. Our journeys can be demoralising but you can build yourself anew. Self love, self respect and self forgiveness. Detach completely if that is what you need to do to heal and leave him to his journey.
The lovingly part will come. In time you will forgive him. The emotion will be gone. The vested interest will be gone. The pain you feel now, so intense and all consuming, will, like your wedding day, be nothing but a memory. A photograph you take out from time to time which you look at and say "Yes, I remember when I was broken". And you will forgive and you will remember the man you once loved, not with longing, but with compassion.
If there is one thing my sitch, and the other sitches here have taught me is that nothing is permanent. Not the love we once shared, and not the pain we now feel.
