Ok, so yesterday was a little different. The W had a long day at work (had a field trip for her after school program) so she had told me that she would go straight from work to her exercise class and would be home until after. This is normally a 8PM arrival time. To put matters worse, both my daughters were sick yesterday so I had to come home and work to be there for them.
So I work my normal work day and get off at 3:30PM. I took out some things to the compost outside and was starting to clean up the dishes that need hand washed and the stacked dishes to be loaded in dishwasher. I also got some chicken out to put in salt water. I let the dishes soak in water and decided since it was not too bad (for Ohio weather) to go for a run. So I ended up running over 2 miles at 6:38 per mile pace.
Anyways, I get done running on the lane that I live on and went back inside and I was sweating. So I took off my shirt and was just in my shorts and was listening to an audio book. I didn't notice anything to include that the otehr car was in the garage when I got done running.
Anyways, I am just hand washing dishes and notice wife come down the stairs. I just keep doing my thing. She eventually asks me a couple questions that I answer in short replies. She said she was about to leave to go to grocery store before her exercise and asked if I needed anything. I said nope. She said ok, and she was leaving. I just said alright and drive safe and back to finishing the dishes. I then started preparing the chicken and potatoes for the kids and me to eat for dinner. She had left but then came back. I just did my thing.
I am trying to move on as if she is moving out and what I will need to do to keep the house up and kids functioning. So that is what I did. I fed the kiddos, had them take their showers, and then I relaxed. She came home and fixed heated herself up one of the chickens and whatever else she was eating and went to her bedroom. I stayed downstairs and red some things and just relaxed. I then got the kids to brush their teeth and got them to go to bed. That is the only time she came out to just say goodnight to them. I went into my bedroom and worked out some more (planks and push ups) and then I read the DB book until I was getting tired and went to bed.
What I am trying to do is do most of the stuff around the house. Not to kiss her ass or pursue, plead, etc. I am doing it since she will be moving out here soon and I need to pick up the double parenting duties and get used to them now. We used to be a team and help each other out. I like having the kitchen counter clean and not a lot of clutter. She likes to stack things up and eventually clean it up. I have never complained about. But since I will be the head of household alone, I can keep it the way I want when she moves out or start now to show I am moving on with or without her.
Detaching is hard but I am trying to focus on myself. I wish there was a hypnosis that I could do to detach easier. I will be going to the marriage counseling appointment today. I switched it to an individual appointment instead. I did tell the W that I did that. Not to pursue or anything. It was to let her know that I would be talking to this counselor one on one about me. This way in case we ever did R and use this counselor, she wouldn't be surprised if I had talked to her already.
She got mad that I didn't cancel it. I told her I was going and if she wanted to go, that is up to her. She says that maybe I should go myself. I just said, that is fine, I was planning on going by myself to talk to her. Do what she needs or wants to do. She responded with another message about trying to explain why she wouldn't be there. I just never responded since no question was asked.
Ok, so I just got a message from the W. She is filling out an apartment application.
She asks for the car license plate number. She then mentions that it is asking about mortgage info. She said she has a feeling that I will have to co-sign for the apartment since she can't qualify on her own.
I responded with the license plate number. I then told her that co-signing was not part of the deal for me. She should be able to show them the income I will provide. If that is not sufficient, I don't know what she will have to do.
I just left it at that.
I so wanted to tell her to have the OM co-sign for her. I also wanted to say, welcome to the real life of a single person and the stuff you think is easy to deal with. I hope I handled the situation ok.
I also don't like the idea that she told me I would have to co-sign. Not asking me to co-sign, but saying I would have to. WTF? No more Mr. Nice Guy!
So this will be my 100th post. I have another question on what I should be doing in the interim. She wants to move out. She can't until April 1st (at the earliest). She is still using my credit card to do things such as buy groceries (for her consumption and children's consumption). She has used it to take my son out to eat when I went to the father-daughter dance this past weekend.
Should I start the moving on from the M and ask her to give me the credit cards that are in my name (she is an authorized) user and say that I will be buying the groceries that are needed for the children and me for the rest of the month. She can use her money and her credit card to purchase her separate items. Or should I just wait until April to have that discussion.
I am trying to show her that I am moving on with life with or without her to include the separation. I don't want to appear as "punishing" her but she has decided to move out. She is making preparation to move out. I am just trying to figure out when I should do this. I have been reading a lot of Sandi's Reflections and other WW posts. Still learning to get the balls back as she says!
HAPPY 100th post to ME!!! Wish I wasn't here but the help from here and my BIL has been invaluable. Just trying to implement a lot of the stuff is the tricky part.
So this will be my 100th post. I have another question on what I should be doing in the interim. She wants to move out. She can't until April 1st (at the earliest). She is still using my credit card to do things such as buy groceries (for her consumption and children's consumption). She has used it to take my son out to eat when I went to the father-daughter dance this past weekend.
Should I start the moving on from the M and ask her to give me the credit cards that are in my name (she is an authorized) user and say that I will be buying the groceries that are needed for the children and me for the rest of the month. She can use her money and her credit card to purchase her separate items. Or should I just wait until April to have that discussion.
I am trying to show her that I am moving on with life with or without her to include the separation. I don't want to appear as "punishing" her but she has decided to move out. She is making preparation to move out. I am just trying to figure out when I should do this. I have been reading a lot of Sandi's Reflections and other WW posts. Still learning to get the balls back as she says!
HAPPY 100th post to ME!!! Wish I wasn't here but the help from here and my BIL has been invaluable. Just trying to implement a lot of the stuff is the tricky part.
AnthonyA, this is my first time commenting on your sitch but I’ve been following it some.
Have you spoken to a lawyer yet? I would be concerned about her having access to all the credit cards. I’ve never been through a legal separation but I imagine that there could be a temporary child support order set up for your kids. Someone can correct me if I’m wrong. I also know that varies depending on where you live.
However, yes if she wants to live like she’s single then she has to accept all that comes with that.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Anthony, overall it sounds like you're doing fine, I would just caution you to be careful not to be cold and indifferent towards her. It sounds like you are doing that, which to her is just going to look like "more of the same" behavior. Detach, but LOVINGLY detach. Read Sandi's rules every day and let those govern your behavior.
Originally Posted by AnthonyA
I so wanted to tell her to have the OM co-sign for her. I also wanted to say, welcome to the real life of a single person and the stuff you think is easy to deal with. I hope I handled the situation ok.
You definitely don't want to cosign for someone who wants a D. Who knows what the future holds, she may move in with OM in 6 months and bail on her lease leaving YOU responsible for it. As for the above yes it's good that you didn't say that. Don't be mean/ sarcastic, again that will just look like "more of the same". Show her what she'll be missing.
Well done on the running, that's a great pace! I used to be a runner logging around 50 a week, now I hate running to the mailbox
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She is still using my credit card to do things such as buy groceries (for her consumption and children's consumption). She has used it to take my son out to eat when I went to the father-daughter dance this past weekend.
Should I start the moving on from the M and ask her to give me the credit cards that are in my name (she is an authorized) user and say that I will be buying the groceries that are needed for the children and me for the rest of the month. She can use her money and her credit card to purchase her separate items. Or should I just wait until April to have that discussion.
It sounds like she is being reasonable and just using it for joint living expenses but you might tell her now that when she moves out you will be taking her name off your cards and expecting her to use her own card from then on.
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I don't want to appear as "punishing" her but she has decided to move out
This is one of those things you need to do no matter how it makes her feel. This isn't about making the wrong impression on her, it's about protecting yourself financially. Once she is out of the house she may very well turn her life into a scene out of "girls gone wild", you don't want to be on the hook for that. Just be firm and consistent about this.
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She is making preparation to move out. I am just trying to figure out when I should do this.
I would do the transition when she moves, that would be a good cutoff point that makes sense.
So I posted this to Sandi in her Reflections thing. I am thinking need to have a discussion with the W about this temporary separation. I agree to a certain amoutn of money to help her with expenses. Nothing more, nothing less. She wanted to use my washer and dryer at the house since her apartment wouldn't have one. She doesn't want to use the community ones. Also, she wants to be there in the morning to get the kids on the bus. She wants to be there in the afternoon to get the kids off the bus. All this in the name of not impacting the kids what so ever. However, if we were to go straight to divorce/dissolution, then I would not let her free range to the house. It is not like I get free range to her apartment.
In the summer, she spoke of having the kids. Again, not sure if she meant at "our" house or her apartment. But if we were divorced, it definitely would not be my house. There are consequences for her decisions. This should be as if she was single and living by herself. As if we were divorced.
Is this fair to discuss with her. Lay down the expectations of this separation. I think she is trying to cake eat and save face to the children. What is your thoughts, AnotherStander and Sandi?
So we got into a heated argument yesterday when I wanted to talk to her about her coming and going with the kids. Looking back at it now, it appeared to be controlling on how I cane across. She thought based on what I was talking to her about was that I was going to prevent her or limit her time with the kids. This is not the case at all but that is how it came across.
This is something I will be bringing up to my IC today. I have a lot more thank thought to work on. Self control, not being controlling, communicating better, listening. A lot. It is going to take some time to get these changes but I can do it. I will need support. My BIL is my life coach right now. When j stray from me, he has me refocus on me. I lack self confidence due to recent depression. I was not always lacking self confidence. I need to rehab. It. By having self confidence, j will learn to love myself first. I need tk stop focusing on the W or the R.
It will have Iran up and downs. She might be filing for D.m based on the discussion last night. I can’t control that. The BiL told me that I need to release all control and tell myself what will happen will happen. I can’t prevent it. I can only control me. I need to stop trying to fix things or do things. I need to refocus all of my attention on myself. Even my therapy appointments have been focusing on my R or my W. I am going to start focusing all that attention on myself.
I don’t know if it helps but I watched an episode of the simpsons where they sing que sera sera .it helped me and the story may be helpful, but I sing it to myself when I need to let go .i feel your pain buddy , be strong, you can do it
So I posted this to Sandi in her Reflections thing. I am thinking need to have a discussion with the W about this temporary separation. I agree to a certain amoutn of money to help her with expenses. Nothing more, nothing less. She wanted to use my washer and dryer at the house since her apartment wouldn't have one. She doesn't want to use the community ones. Also, she wants to be there in the morning to get the kids on the bus. She wants to be there in the afternoon to get the kids off the bus. All this in the name of not impacting the kids what so ever. However, if we were to go straight to divorce/dissolution, then I would not let her free range to the house. It is not like I get free range to her apartment.
Do you need help with the kids? I mean I do understand you not wanting her to come and go as she pleases, but if you need help then let her help. Maybe you can establish some ground rules like other than getting the kids off in the morning and back in the afternoon she is not to stop by unexpectedly without calling or texting first. My ex was just dropping by and letting herself in nearly every day after S, I finally asked her to respect my privacy and call/text before coming by, and to knock instead of just walking in. And she did honor that.
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There are consequences for her decisions. This should be as if she was single and living by herself. As if we were divorced.
Well you can't show her the consequences, she's got to discover that on her own. I see too many LBS's cut off their nose to spite their face and in the end the LBS pays for it instead of the WAS. For example- you refuse to let her come by to "teach her a lesson" but then you end up struggling because you're showing up to work late and leaving early to deal with the kids. Meanwhile she's living it up because she doesn't have to deal with the kids in the morning and afternoon. So your plan backfires, it ends up hurting you and doing nothing to teach her a lesson. So like we always say, do what is right for YOU and the kids. Don't do something to hurt or punish your W or "open her eyes". That will happen to her naturally as a result of S and D. At first she'll enjoy her single life, but eventually she'll realize the grass isn't greener and then she may learn to miss you.
