I lack self confidence due to recent depression. I was not always lacking self confidence. I need to rehab. It. By having self confidence, j will learn to love myself first. I need tk stop focusing on the W or the R.
I suggest you make this one of your primary goals. Working out and eating healthy meals plays a big part in fighting depression. Purposely socializing with people who are happy and who lift your spirits, is another proactive step. Having a support system, and being people who love/like you is important. Finding new adventures, picking up favorite hobbies, going where the people are will help you. Laughter is one of the best medications for depression. Watch funny movies, listen to upbeat music, read self help books. These are things you have to do "on purpose" in your quest to fight depression. You have to consistently seek out the things that build up your soul/spirit, b/c otherwise, it probably won't find its way to you.
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My goal from this S is to be able to work on myself (found more things i need to work on and have IC focusing on that). This will allow me to have the "out of sight, out of mind" with her. She said to me about the kids and me, that maybe "absence will grow the heart fonder". She has admitted to putting up a wall around me and the children. hell, last night she admitted that she just stays in her BR to eat dinner as me and the kids eat downstairs together. She has closed up. I am hoping that her being away from the children and me, will allow her to work on herself and go through her journey and the process she needs.
How much of this paragraph is about you, and how much is it about her? Your goals are about Anthony, not your WW. ((hugs))
Although you say you need to work on listening skills, bear in mind that listening and believing are not the same. Yes, she throws a lot of carrots in front of you. That's very typical of WW's, b/c they want the H to be the backup plan just in case plan A doesn't work out. Therefore, she has to say something to make you think there is hope. What works against you, Anthony, is believing what she says. You are like a fish grabbing at every hook she drops in the water. Stop going after the hook, and try to have a nonchalant attitude or thought about her carrots.
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That has to be the hardest thing. Letting go. Is that mean detach? I wish there were tricks. I have read the detaching thread somewhat but yet to find a technique to detach. I know it is a continued process. One day I think I am detached and then the next, not so much.
We shall see. I just started meditating 15 minutes a day to help me relax. IC continues. Will see how this goes over time. I will continue to detach but let go. Letting go does not mean being cold or mean. I have been cold and angry around her. I am trying to figure this out and so far, nothing is helping.
Detaching does seem to be difficult for the LBS to grasp. The LBS is seeing his family fall apart, and it is an emotional experience. Detaching doesn't mean you experience no feelings. We are not talking about the psychological disorder of emotional detachment (even if we refer to it as emotionally detaching). It means you step away from the source of all the negative emotional drama. Your emotions need space & time to calm down so that you don't react impulsively. Your brain needs to be able to think clearly and make intelligent decisions that are not overwhelmed with emotions. I mean, look how difficult it is for you to think about goals that aren't connected some way to effecting your WW. It's really hard for you to think of anything but your WW, b/c your emotions about the sitch are impacting your thoughts to the degree you can't get it out of your head. It's constantly there.
I'm not saying to stop loving your W. You may have to love her from a far, in order to protect your mental health. This is something that takes time and patience with yourself. You've been in a intimate relationship for years with this woman, share kids with her, etc. I'm sorry, but there are no tricks or shortcuts. GAL for real is about as close to a method as you can get, based on what DB members have posted. But when you are GAL to help you detach, you have to seriously GAL for yourself, and not do it to make her feel a certain way. Why? B/c your mind will be on wondering how it's affecting her. Just get out there and enjoy yourself, and don't wonder if she's missing you, or if she's jealous, etc.
So yeah, detaching is hard work, and you are doing it for yourself......not her. It is a form of saving yourself. That's why we tell you to focus on you. Detaching is a way of moving forward with your life. (I did not say it's a form of ending your M.) If you are ever to have peace of mind, you have to detach. It is a healing process, and it usually comes gradually, rather than swiftly.
Is detaching the same as "letting go"? Well, I think it goes hand in hand. You have to let something go, if you are going to be detached from it. You can see how that works physically, and that's the easiest. Mentally, it might be more difficult, b/c we tend to pick it back up again. To let it go, first you have to make the decision to turn lose of it. Drop it and don't look back at it and don't pick it up and carry it around with you. If you can't drop it immediately, then at least be in charge of when, where and how you look at it. For instance, don't talk about it to everyone you know. You have your IC, your BIL, and us.......and that's enough. Don't mentally dwell on it all the time. Tell yourself you have xx amount of time per day to think about it, and then you put it away. When you mentally dwell on it, you give it more power to take away your peace, and it messes with your head. So, can you do that much? Decide when, where and to whom you discuss it, and/or allow it to take up time in your brain?
Years ago, I would become obsessive about other people when I thought they didn't like me or treated me unfairly. I became obsessive about family members who wouldn't conduct their lives the way I thought they should. I would nearly drive my H insane by constantly venting. I wouldn't even realize just how much I was truly talking about it, until he would complain. I was all bent out of shape about something my sibling had done, and finally my dad pointed out that I could not control my sibling, and they weren't going to live the way I thought they should. I was stunned! I never saw myself as a controlling type. That was the beginning of me learning to let things go. It took years of various situations, and I have not perfected it........but I am so much better than I used to be. It's still a challenge when it comes to my immediate family members. I don't understand why they won't listen to my wisdom. (lol)
So, even though we use the phrase, "let it go", it does take practice. I do understand how challenging it can be to stop rolling it around in your mind. It can get so bad it's like it is taped to the end of your nose and that's all you can see. It can consume your life. The things I previously said about GAL, focusing on being healthy, etc., combined with letting the sitch go......work hand in hand. I wish there was a trick to it, but it's plain hard work.
You can do it, Anthony, I know you can if you'll keep trying. The most difficult for you will be to let go of trying to control the outcome of this sitch. You want to control your WW's decisions, actions, consequences and feelings. You can't do it. If she wants to believe she's leaving you, rather than b/c she disrespected your boundary........there's nothing you can do about it.
I believe there should be consequences for someone who disrespects my personal boundaries. It's my choice as to what action I do when the boundary is disrespected. It may, or may not, hit the other person with stiff consequences. They may laugh at me or think whatever they want to think. I can't control what they feel. All I can do is control myself, and protect my boundaries the best way I can in that situation. Your WW refuses to take responsibility for her wrong doing. Therefore, she's going to act as if this separation was all her idea. You don't like it, but what can you do? Are you going to find ways to punish her? I hope not, b/c that's not your job. Do you see what I'm trying to explain?
I talk a lot about how the WW has to suffer loss, consequences for her decisions, etc. The H can enforce boundaries. He can stop serving cake (in some circumstances), he can stop playing happy family. cut off some of her benefits from the MR, and many other things I have listed in my WW threads. But here's the thing........he should do these actions from a place of that's based on his core values, his self respect, spiritual belief, etc. He is not to intentionally punish her, He is not her judge and executioner. That job belongs to a higher power than her H. He can't determine how she'll feel. She may not feel anything he takes away is a loss for her. Most people assume losing her children would be a terrible loss, but what they don't understand is.......it may not be the loss that will smack her in the face hard enough to make her see the reality that she has caused due to her wayward decisions. Nobody knows what that loss will be for that particular WW.
Your previously referred to some things I said about separation in my "Reflections" thread, and you realized you had messed up. You have to look at your situation. What you are going to have in this type of separation, will resemble an ih-house S in some ways. Therefore, you won't be able to be as strict as you might could where she wasn't going & coming to the home. You just can't have it both ways. If you need someone to stay with your young children so that you can leave early for work and in the evening until you get home..... then you are limited to how much you can control about how much room she uses, or what she does while she's there. I mean, you may decide to lock your bedroom, or something like that.....but you have to be reasonable. Not wanting her to use the big yard for the kids to play, is not reasonable when you are relying on her to keep the kids. See what I mean?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I suggest you make this one of your primary goals. Working out and eating healthy meals plays a big part in fighting depression. Purposely socializing with people who are happy and who lift your spirits, is another proactive step. Having a support system, and being people who love/like you is important. Finding new adventures, picking up favorite hobbies, going where the people are will help you. Laughter is one of the best medications for depression. Watch funny movies, listen to upbeat music, read self help books. These are things you have to do "on purpose" in your quest to fight depression. You have to consistently seek out the things that build up your soul/spirit, b/c otherwise, it probably won't find its way to you.
I have been listening and reading a lot of self help books. I am eating healthier and have been working out big time. I am doing planks, side planks, push ups, and running. My goal is to have a six pack again by mid-spring. I do need to start laughing more. I have been trying to get around more joyful occasions and forcing myself out. I need to seek happiness instead of dwelling.
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How much of this paragraph is about you, and how much is it about her? Your goals are about Anthony, not your WW. ((hugs))
Although you say you need to work on listening skills, bear in mind that listening and believing are not the same. Yes, she throws a lot of carrots in front of you. That's very typical of WW's, b/c they want the H to be the backup plan just in case plan A doesn't work out. Therefore, she has to say something to make you think there is hope. What works against you, Anthony, is believing what she says. You are like a fish grabbing at every hook she drops in the water. Stop going after the hook, and try to have a nonchalant attitude or thought about her carrots.
So we had a discussion last night. I moved back into the MBR and rearranged the room a little to my liking. Cleaned it and such. I cleaned the dresser that you have to pass to get into the master bath. She arrived to take her shower and see the kids last night. She asked if I moved into the MBR. I said yes and she had to grab her stuff to move to basement bathroom. I kind of forgot that I left only three things on the dresser (it used to be dirty and had all this extra crap just laying there). My workout bag, my bluetooth speaker, and dissolution of marriage template (with child support calculations with it) printed out.
She took a shower while I was finishing up getting supper done and I was about to hand wash dishes. She came up to me and said can we talk. I asked about what. She said the paperwork. I asked her what paperwork (I forgot about it at this time). She just gave me a look. I asked if she wanted to go upstairs and talk (away from the kids). She said yes. I go up to the room and notice the paperwork was no longer on the dresser. She came up soon after and I said what paperwork and she had it in her hands. She asked me why I had the dissolution printed out. I, first, asked her why she was looking through my stuff. She just said she was getting soap from the bathroom and saw it. I didn't respond to that but just said that I am just getting educated on the process.
She said she thought that maybe something happened that made me start wanting to do a divorce or dissolution since the time we decided for S. I said that I am just getting educated on the process since I have been threatened with D a few times. She thought when I said that, that I admitted to threatening her with D. I said no, I have been threatened a few times with D so I decided to get even more educated in the process. I then told her that I am hoping for the best which she stopped and said, evidently not. I said, let me finish, I am hoping for the best, but planning for the worst. I then said based on words and actions, I can see a D is more likely than R. She then said how do you know, it has only been a few days since we decided to S. I just said, "look, I am just getting educated on the process of divorce or dissolution to protect me." She didn't like this response but I kept an even tone throughout the discussion.
She then mentioned her starting to take her first master's class and asked if I wanted her to charge it on my credit card or hers. I said hers. She then mentioned the car she would drive has almost 120K miles on it. I had mentioned at one point of needing to get a new car soon. She said we should look into it. I told her that based on our current relationship status, I do not want to look at that financial situation until I know where we stand. She mentioned that I was the one to bring it up before. I just told her that after thinking it through, it is not something I want to do right now. She then asked what happens if it breaks down. I told her we would have to cross that bridge when we come to it.
She has complained before lately that "I talk to her like I am talking to a co-worker closing a business deal" I am not showing emotion when she gets upset or happy. I just try to keep an even tone. Not sure if that is good or bad on this. She has mentioned this numerous times lately.
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Detaching does seem to be difficult for the LBS to grasp.
I won't put the rest of your stuff in this (loved the message but this pretty much grabs the attention of what I need to do. My BIL has been saying a lot of the same stuff that you have said, Sandi. You assisted him in his growth so it makes sense. LOL
Detaching is hard but as my BIL says, I am still expecting expectations. He said that I need to let go of all expectations. He said it is a gradual process and it will take time. Once I get to that moment where anything she says or does, is not surprising or I set up expectations, that is when I would know that I have detached. I have read the detaching thread a lot but it hit me when you wrote again about the higher power and punishing her. I felt better or at ease last night after reading that. I know detaching is hard but I will continue to try to get out of my head and stick to talking to you guys (love all your support Sandi), BIL and my IC. BIL keeps telling me to focus on me, too much focus is on the WW. It doesn't help that she is across the street. At least eventually she will be down the road about 3 to 4 minutes and not right outside my front window will be better.
My BIL said last nights discussion with the WW was a small victory that I should be proud of. I didn't get upset, angry, have any emotional things. I just laid out my facts and then I went back to doing the dishes. I felt better knowing that I at least let her know that I am preparing for the worst and educating myself on it. I will not be threatened anymore with D.
[quote]She has complained before lately that "I talk to her like I am talking to a co-worker closing a business deal" I am not showing emotion when she gets upset or happy. I just try to keep an even tone. Not sure if that is good or bad on this. She has mentioned this numerous times lately.
This is perfect!! I would keep this up.
Anthony, I have told many other LBSs here that one of the most powerful wake-up calls my WW received was when I told her I had contacted a D lawyer. Her sobering up came very soon after. Not saying that to give you any expectations but to tell you that this discovery of these papers by her may be a good thing. I think some WWs really don't want to give up what they have, but they want to push things as close to the edge as possible. When they realize that they are in danger of going over the edge, sometimes they pull back.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She has complained before lately that "I talk to her like I am talking to a co-worker closing a business deal" I am not showing emotion when she gets upset or happy. I just try to keep an even tone. Not sure if that is good or bad on this. She has mentioned this numerous times lately.
It's difficult to explain the craziness of a WW, but I'll try here. When she sees that she gets no emotional reaction from you, she feels she's losing her grip on you. Her arrogance suggests that her H should actually "care" that she's upset or happy. Right? I mean, women have always expressed their feelings in order to get a desired reaction from the H. It just funny when you see a wayward W who can't wait to get away from her H, continue to expect him to cater to her feelings.....or to be affected by them. However, we see it all the time right here on the board.
WW's have an arrogant mindset, and IMHO, that's another little something that sets them apart from the WAW. I said it a long time ago and I stick by it. The difference in a WW and WAW is in their mentality.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She has complained before lately that "I talk to her like I am talking to a co-worker closing a business deal" I am not showing emotion when she gets upset or happy. I just try to keep an even tone. Not sure if that is good or bad on this. She has mentioned this numerous times lately.
It's difficult to explain the craziness of a WW, but I'll try here. When she sees that she gets no emotional reaction from you, she feels she's losing her grip on you. Her arrogance suggests that her H should actually "care" that she's upset or happy. Right? I mean, women have always expressed their feelings in order to get a desired reaction from the H. It just funny when you see a wayward W who can't wait to get away from her H, continue to expect him to cater to her feelings.....or to be affected by them. However, we see it all the time right here on the board.
WW's have an arrogant mindset, and IMHO, that's another little something that sets them apart from the WAW. I said it a long time ago and I stick by it. The difference in a WW and WAW is in their mentality.
My son had been recognized at school so I took leave to go tk it. Inforgot except last minute and the W never reminded me. J don’t think she probably knew until recently about the honor he was given today. However, I show up and she shows up after me and sits next to me. During the 1 minute breaks between grades, the instructor had is talk to a “neighbor” about citizenship, accountability, respect, and empathy (CARE) and how we used it this past quarter. She just looked at me and was trying to talk to me about it. I told her I have nothing to say on that one as I am just taking things one day at a time. The next break the instructor had us speak to the neighbor about someone who helped them out. She mentioned the neighbor letting her have a place to stay. I just said my BIL since I could not mention this site. Lol. Anyways, the next break, they had another and I just quit answering or talking to her as it was not conducive. I just took pictures and then said bye to my son when it was over and left. I wasn’t cold towards her but the atmosphere just felt weird and she knew it so j just quit goin along with it for my mental health.
Not much to update. I have been feeling much better. I have been focusing on myself and the children. I felt bad, yesterday. I woke up the D7s to get ready for school since i worked from home and W was not there yet. One of D7s said that she didn't care that mommy wasn't there. She then said because I am there and I am her happy place. I just said thanks for me being your happy place. My house has been cleaner and I have been more strict with the kids on cleaning up their messes instead of letting things go and pile up. I think they are doing better with some authority that was lacking the last couple months as I dealt. I have been working out big time the last two weeks and just focused on myself instead of WW. Her mood changes are not impacting me. She sent me some hateful texts when I was at basketball and I just never responded. Came home and never said a word to her and she left. Feeling good, IC even said she noticed a change from last week. I have been feeling much better since Sunday.
I do need to start laughing more. I have been trying to get around more joyful occasions and forcing myself out. I need to seek happiness instead of dwelling.