I thought I was prepared for if this came up, but I wasn't. I'm literally torn to pieces right now. She says the whole issue behind wanting D is trust and she pulls this. And absolutely refused to show proof that it's innocent. So much to the point she was willing to lose her job over it. I should be asleep right now as I need to be up for work in 4 hours but I just can't. My mind is just all over the place.
M(32) W(30) Together 12yrs Married 2yrs ILYBNILWY 11/23/18 EA Discovered 3/20/19
In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19 W Moved out 3/20/19 M Moved out 5/31/19 W Filed for D 3/3/2020
Start at 100 and count backwards by 3 (repeat if required)
Lay down, focus on relaxing your eyelids, then you forehead, then you jaw. Work down to your toes. Feel tension some place, focus on relaxing that part.
You can handle this
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
so sorry to hear that. I think almost every WAS here has an OM/OW. Time to detach some more.
The stop sign technique really does work. Read about EMDR. Get out and take a walk through the woods, take a drive somewhere pretty and notice the beautiful world. It will take time to process this but you will get through it.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks guys, I decided to take the day off of work tomorrow. One, since I won't get enough sleep and going to work with heavy equipment on no sleep isn't smart and Two, to clear my head some. Probably go spend some time with my dad while he's working. I don't get to spend much time with him and he offered me to come see him and hang out tomorrow so I will most likely do that. He is also gonna try and help me with some options for paying off my 401k loan. Especially since I discovered this the W is saying she will be moving out this week. So I really need to get this figured out and soon.
M(32) W(30) Together 12yrs Married 2yrs ILYBNILWY 11/23/18 EA Discovered 3/20/19
In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19 W Moved out 3/20/19 M Moved out 5/31/19 W Filed for D 3/3/2020
So I talked to W again last night on the phone, was a bit all over the place and then the EA came up, I tried to find out how long this has been going on. She says we are not together it's none of my business. I know it has been going on since before BD, just not how long before. so I said it is my business when it was going on while we were together. She completely refused to tell me. Then she changed the subject
(she was kinda loud during this) W: Ok what if I came to you and said I want to work on our marriage. Would you? M: yes. W:How? The trust is broken and that's why I'm wanting to leave because of the trust with money. M: Because, yes I will have my trust issues due to you being in an EA, just like you have your trust issue due to the money situation. But trust can be rebuilt and it will take time. Just like how I want to work on the money issue and work together on it. The same can be done with this. And just like what happened with the money, it happened. Nothing can be done to change it. W: ......... (at this point she seemed confused, possible she thought this would be the final nail in the coffin for me but she mellowed out and started to talk nicer to me) W: Well, on that note I am going to take a shower and go to bed.
But for today, I am doing much better than I was yesterday when I found out. The initial reaction has passed but the thought of it still lingers, and I just keep telling myself It is what it is, it has happened and nothing can be done to change that. Taking it one step at a time. Right now just waiting to hear from my dad on when we can meet up and go spend some time with him.
M(32) W(30) Together 12yrs Married 2yrs ILYBNILWY 11/23/18 EA Discovered 3/20/19
In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19 W Moved out 3/20/19 M Moved out 5/31/19 W Filed for D 3/3/2020
So I talked to W again last night on the phone, was a bit all over the place and then the EA came up, I tried to find out how long this has been going on. She says we are not together it's none of my business. I know it has been going on since before BD, just not how long before. so I said it is my business when it was going on while we were together. She completely refused to tell me.
Try to avoid asking stuff like this, it's pressure and she wants zero pressure from you right now. If she approaches you for recon THEN you can make it a condition that she answer your questions about her affair.
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W: Ok what if I came to you and said I want to work on our marriage. Would you? M: yes.We would both need to do a lot of work before we could consider reconciling.
You don't want to keep reaffirming to her that you are Plan B. She already knows all she needs to do is snap her fingers and you'll come running. And that is not attractive to her.
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W:How? The trust is broken and that's why I'm wanting to leave because of the trust with money. M: Because, yes I will have my trust issues due to you being in an EA, just like you have your trust issue due to the money situation. But trust can be rebuilt and it will take time. Just like how I want to work on the money issue and work together on it. The same can be done with this. And just like what happened with the money, it happened. Nothing can be done to change it.That must have been difficult and frustrating for you. Is that how you feel? I can understand why you would feel that way.
Your response is too much info. This is the sort of convo you will need to have if and when she genuinely approaches you about recon. You're not even close to there yet, so you should not be engaging in these convos. Just listen to her and validate, that's it.
So I talked to W again last night on the phone, was a bit all over the place and then the EA came up, I tried to find out how long this has been going on. She says we are not together it's none of my business. I know it has been going on since before BD, just not how long before. so I said it is my business when it was going on while we were together. She completely refused to tell me.
Try to avoid asking stuff like this, it's pressure and she wants zero pressure from you right now. If she approaches you for recon THEN you can make it a condition that she answer your questions about her affair.
Quote
W: Ok what if I came to you and said I want to work on our marriage. Would you? M: yes.We would both need to do a lot of work before we could consider reconciling.
You don't want to keep reaffirming to her that you are Plan B. She already knows all she needs to do is snap her fingers and you'll come running. And that is not attractive to her.
Quote
W:How? The trust is broken and that's why I'm wanting to leave because of the trust with money. M: Because, yes I will have my trust issues due to you being in an EA, just like you have your trust issue due to the money situation. But trust can be rebuilt and it will take time. Just like how I want to work on the money issue and work together on it. The same can be done with this. And just like what happened with the money, it happened. Nothing can be done to change it.That must have been difficult and frustrating for you. Is that how you feel? I can understand why you would feel that way.
Your response is too much info. This is the sort of convo you will need to have if and when she genuinely approaches you about recon. You're not even close to there yet, so you should not be engaging in these convos. Just listen to her and validate, that's it.
There was a lot that went on that I could have handled much better. Emotion got the best of me for sure.
I haven't seen her since then and only talked to her briefly on the phone, she took the car and hasn't come home leaving me with the truck to get back & forth to work adding on to my already tough financial situation, and she's deleted her Facebook account.
Didn't get to meet up with my dad, he ended up canceling so I didn't do much on my day off. Also still had my mind racing when it came to go to sleep. Didn't get a whole lot of it, but I have to go to work today, no choice. But at least it's Friday and I will have 3 days to get myself together again.
M(32) W(30) Together 12yrs Married 2yrs ILYBNILWY 11/23/18 EA Discovered 3/20/19
In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19 W Moved out 3/20/19 M Moved out 5/31/19 W Filed for D 3/3/2020
Also still had my mind racing when it came to go to sleep.
Unfortunately that's a big part of what you're going through. Anxiety, depression, mind racing, lack of sleep. Do you work out? That helped me sleep better. I also got on anti-anxiety meds for a while, those helped me sleep too.
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Didn't get a whole lot of it, but I have to go to work today, no choice. But at least it's Friday and I will have 3 days to get myself together again.
Try to get out this weekend and keep yourself occupied to take your mind off of things! It helps. Good luck and hang in there!
