Hey Adam, glad to read you are moving forward. You´ve done a great effort within a short time period. Just keep the focus in your goals and being there for the kids. Just as you are doing right now. Ease your mind, try to get some GAL, get some time to rest. Hard days are coming man, be aware of that. Just be on a balanced state of mind. Remember you can control what you can control. Keep DB basics.
Be strong there Adam. It´s another leg in the regatta, another mile in the marathon. Nothing more, nothing less.
Sending my best wishes for you and your family. Keep shining there.
(((Adam)))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Hard days are ahead for sure. This is like the 4th time I tried to update but every time I get on, something happens. Last time I didn't have enough time to finish this at work while on the iPhone. First time I journaled in bed on the ipad until I fell asleep with the kids. It started with me thinking I didn't have much going on or to say until I realized I had over 15 paragraphs with more wanting to come out. Much of it was recollection in no particular order over small things from the past week. I'll try to recap and summarize best I can.
First, got my apartment stuff taken care of. Did the walk through on the 8th, and will move all the furniture from here on the 16th. Will take some time to fully furnish and debating on which room to give the kids. bigger room will accommodate two twin beds but S6 might want to sleep in it and bigger room has the window that drops out to nowhere since we will be on second floor. The smaller room has a window that goes out to the walkway leading up to the front door in case there has to be an emergency. I know, trivial stuff. Definitely will put paintings up to cover this really ugly color on the walls I didn't pay much attention to in the beginning... I guess I had so much to think about when I was in the apartment that the color of the walls didn't matter at the time, but now it does... go figure.
Last couple of weeks, W and I have been teaching our S6 how to ride his bike without the training wheels. H's getting there and is practicing coasting down the driveway with his legs out to the sides for better balance. He was so proud to pedal for a few feet on his own. We all were so proud. He gets the biggest grins. I thought he might not have been too aware of the sitch with W and I until a night or two ago he said "Dad, I am really going to miss you." And I said, "What do you mean son?" He said, "At the new house." He is counting down the days and this morning he said 5 more days before the move. I told him I was going to miss him too and that I was going to probably see him more often than he thought. S11 explained to him I was going to have him every other week. He had that big grin again.
Regarding S6, he asks mom why did she marry me and asks me why did I marry her. We each tell him different things of what made us fall in love with each other. This kid is really smart. Sometimes he'll ask us to group hug or for me and mom to kiss and we have diverted much of the physical until a couple of nights ago. He asked us to kiss and W said okay. We both leaned in for one and kissed. At around this point she started to put him to bed in the MBR and fall asleep there. She'd eventually get up late at night and go back to the living room. One night she fell asleep in there with both boys and it was late with no room so I slept on the couch.
For a while, I have been eating out by myself on Fridays trying new places(except that one evening asking the female friend from work). W this past Friday asked if I wanted to do something with her and the kids and I told her I had plans already. I'm controlling asking her if she wants to go with me and the kids to eat and declining much of her invitations to go with her or her family. I have used the 8/2 rule going about twice out of every 10 times. Feelings are put on the backburner and I am enjoying myself with the kids and in her company. Being the best me I can.
A couple of nights when packing W mentioned something about us and wanting to try to work it out and that after this, she will want to see a professional for help to sort out her feelings. I said okay. One night, she listed about 10 things she noticed in me and said she wished I was like this before and that it was too late to work on it because I had decided to move on. I didn't say anything. I validated, sometimes being quiet, saying nothing. Other times, I said sorry, I know how hard that must have been for her to deal with things. Once she said I was a better partner, dad, she saw I had a life of my own, I was doing things for myself, with her and the kids, I was balancing my life out and this is who she wanted to be with and she was upset that its happening now and she doesn't have a chance to be with this guy. She was also afraid that this wasn't going to last. I said I can imagine how tough it is to deal with that uncertainty. I told her I know it [censored] to feel like you don't have a partner.
On Monday night, W said she had a SNAFU and tried to explain to me she needed me at the closing on her house on Tuesday the following day. I showed concern wondering what the papers were and asked for a copy of them. She said because Texas was a 50/50 state the lender said they needed me on closing. She started crying saying she would figure it out. I went to google and also divulged I had talked to a lawyer. We spoke to the realtor friend of ours who also spoke to a lawyer friend and they confirmed it wasn't part of any co-signing. They basically told W that it was part of acknowledgement that she is closing on the house. I told her I would go.
Tuesday morning she has to do the final walk through of the new house and says she will pick me up to drive out to close. I thought about people saying its probably best to drive separately. I told her no problem, we can drive together. So after her walk through she comes by and I drive us out there. We get there early and we start signing documents. It's documents stating I am on the deed. She starts to have this puzzled look and tells the closing agent maybe there was something wrong with the paperwork or the process. The lady says because Texas is a 50/50 state it was required for me to sign and that I didn't need to be on the loan app. When we were almost done signing, our realtor friend comes in. We chit chat and the other lady asks us if this is bittersweet because we started with the house as a married couple and here we are signing documents but going through a divorce. The lady said she wasn't an expert but knew that Texas didn't recognize legal separation so we both had to be there to sign together. Guess it took a minute for it to sink in with W. Not once had I shown or have any negative vibes or feelings.
After closing, W and I took our realtor friend out to brunch and she called her H to join us for drinks. We tried fried pig ears and had lunch, laughing at past stories. The H and I also tried different whiskies. I'm a cognac guy but I can drink anything. After lunch, W said her keys were ready and asked if we could drive out to the new house to pick them up from the sales office. We were closer by there anyways so I said yeah no problem.
We drive out and got there. She picked up the keys from the model home and the guy told her the builder also left her a gift inside the house. We drove to the house and she asked me in. At first I wasn't and then I said F it, I'm going in. The house was beautiful. The builders gave her some nice flowers, a nice Tiffany's vase and a small bag from Tiffany's. She opened it and it was a heart bracelet. She immediately said she was giving it to her niece. I commented everything is nice but I thought the heart charm bracelet was a little "weird." On the drive home we had a small discussion about it and I explained we were still married and I still had these boundaries about the marriage. She said she didn't think the bracelet was anything personal from anyone nor ever got a vibe from anyone. The way I wanted to handle it was expressing my views on my W receiving anything that could be misconstrued as a personal item of affection from anyone so long as she is still my W. She said she understood the boundary part. She brought up again that she wanted to work it out and that it sucked I had moved on. I told her I didn't think it was right that she keeps saying it's too bad now she wants to work it out after I made the comment about moving on and if she really wanted to work it out, she would be doing so. I asked her, before we divorce, if she wanted the help, could she look into it because it was out there, but I am not going back to what we had.
Then we got home... and we both had copies of the signed documents to the new house. We had small talk to break the ice. She went to the MBR closet to put away the papers, I had put away papers too and I leaned against the counter in the bathroom as she was walking out the closet and she stood there for a second looking at me. There was some friction in the air and I turned my open palm upward and outward and she walked towards me. At this point I embraced her with both arms and her face was very close to mine. We gazed into each other's eyes for a moment. Then I titled my head a small degree and she slowly leaned forward. We slowly kissed for what felt like eternity. First it was soft brushing of the lips to full on kissing with darting tongues from both of us. It felt like it had when we were teenagers. Several minutes into it she slowly pulled back and said she didn't want to get hurt again. I gazed into her eyes and said we don't have to do anything she didn't want to do. I said something like we're here for right now. No pressure about the future. She looked at me and pressed into me. We both continued the slow hot heavy kissing. My hands on the back of her thighs, pressing her into me. My kissing moved from her lips to her neck and kept going. My hands were exploring her body as if for the first time. She had an orgasm in the bathroom and afterwards she led me to the bedroom where we finished. We ended with small kissing on the lips and cleaned up. So apparently I got a little too heavy and put a pretty big passion mark on her neck. She didn't comment or say anything about it. Kinda laughed.
She later asked me, "did you just use me for sex?" I asked her back, "Did you?" She said no, I said well there is your answer too. And we both smiled and laughed. Later we picked up the kids and went out to eat with her siblings because they were also coming to spend the night. She had to text them about her neck to give them a heads up.
So from Wednesday W has been on vacation with her sisters to scout this destination wedding location for her older sister for next year. Since sex, W has been a little different like kinder and affectionate with touches.
Few things for me. When I was a teenager, I've had goodbye sex with a few girls before. This could very well be that. I am not putting any expectations on it. I enjoyed it and left it to the moment. I didn't go strapped, which is my bad but I don't carry condoms expecting sex like that.
W has been facetiming the kids and we talked earlier today. She laughed at my corny jokes when she called early in the morning before work. Said she wanted to speak to the kids.
I was watching a video about for the guy gaining back respect is not always about going full no contact and for the man this ever really works because how the woman perceives it. The man has to take the opportunities to show the woman. I agree there is no faking this. I am taking it day by day trying to make the best informed decisions I can at the time and dealing with the consequences.
It's too early for me to get too analytical about it. Feels like a big grey area where thawing can be cake-eating. She is nowhere remorseful and to recon, that's what I am expecting. I don't have any expectations however at this point. Deep down, I am hoping she gets some help for a start...
Your thoughts?
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
I think your instincts are correct. Things are finally becoming real for her and there is a sense of panic around her behavior.
You have come so far Adam ... you have built a life for yourself and are ready to face the world without your W. Now that she is wavering, you need to ask yourself what it is that you want.
If there is a part of you that still wants to R, then just breath and let it happen how it will. No pursuit, no expectations. Carry on with your life as you have been and let what happens happen.
I would only caveat this with you must be certain there is no longer anOM. You have worked so hard to regain your self respect. Don't lose it now.
S6 sounds like my D9. H took them away for a couple of days to visit a theme park. On our nightly phone call she said very loudly "I wish you were here mummy". The next night she made a point of saying that she couldn't go on some rides because D12 was too big for them (and H couldn't leave D12 on her own) and D12 couldn't go on some rides because it would mean D9 would be on her own. They both also said they couldn't get me one of those key rings with their photos in it that they take when your on a ride because H was in the photos and he didn't think I'd want one with him in it.
Part of me still wants the R. Going at this with no expectations. I cant be certain there is OM or not. She hasn't read any of those romance novels in maybe months and I get no vibes from her being secretive or doing something in my presence.
Last night was our last night in our old home. Been busting tail with the move. Because it was our last night and S6 sleeps with me, I asked if W would like to sleep with us and she did. She woke up and gave me a little back rub to help wake me up. We have been exchanging hugs and kisses more often(a lot of touch charges between us), kinda reverting back to what seems familiar but still awkward. I'm trying to just go with the flow and being in the moment.
Today was a big day, we had the movers drop off furniture at my apartment first where I am typing this now. Then it was to her place, or our place...whatever its called. She has the BIL and her nephews helping to put together her furniture for her. She hasn't asked me to do anything. She did ask me to help my S11 put his bunk bed back together because I was the one who took it apart. That I feel is okay to do, anything for the kids really. Earlier I was over there and helped put the kids to sleep for school tomorrow. We said night and I will see her tomorrow.
I'm tired. Been sore from all the lifting and moving. Gonna try to get some rest soon. As for how I feel about this new place... I'm okay with everything. It's a lot of adjustments like having filtered water, ice, personal space where I am not hearing noise from neighbors in all four corners. Have way too much furniture...
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
A couple of nights when packing W mentioned something about us and wanting to try to work it out and that after this, she will want to see a professional for help to sort out her feelings. I said okay. One night, she listed about 10 things she noticed in me and said she wished I was like this before and that it was too late to work on it because I had decided to move on. I didn't say anything. I validated, sometimes being quiet, saying nothing. Other times, I said sorry, I know how hard that must have been for her to deal with things. Once she said I was a better partner, dad, she saw I had a life of my own, I was doing things for myself, with her and the kids, I was balancing my life out and this is who she wanted to be with and she was upset that its happening now and she doesn't have a chance to be with this guy. She was also afraid that this wasn't going to last. I said I can imagine how tough it is to deal with that uncertainty. I told her I know it [censored] to feel like you don't have a partner.
EXCELLENT JOB! Really good stuff there. You didn't get drawn into an R talk, you simply listened and validated. Perfect.
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No pressure about the future. She looked at me and pressed into me. We both continued the slow hot heavy kissing. My hands on the back of her thighs, pressing her into me.
Interesting timing considering she just closed on her house. Hard to say what was going through her head, but I would say she probably is starting to feel "free" and can have sex with you without feeling any relationship pressure. Probably wouldn't have happened the day before because she would worry you'd put the full-court-press on her to stop the sale from going forward and drop everything to work on the M.
Anyway it sounds like you are doing great Adam, keep it up!
My focus in the last week has shifted temporarily to include my W a lot more than what I thought it would. This all happened with the moving to the new apartment and new house with both of us spending a lot of time with the kids to make sure they are adjusting well. One night my S6 said he didn't want me to leave her house so I stayed back until he fell asleep. W and I both have been cordial about this and she said I can come and go as I please. Even one time offered me the key and I declined.
Been a few days in the new apartment. Everything is quiet except me. I am on the second floor and when I walk the floors creak. Still have a lot of unpacking to do. I think it was Wednesday night after coming back to the apartment from W house I couldn't take another day of bathing so I went to a 24hour Walmart to buy a few things like shower curtain and liner. I was not going to keep using a 6oz cup to rinse myself in the tub.
The other day on the 18th I ran some errands like disposing the paint we had at the old house and W called and asked if I was going to pick her up for lunch. We had discussed previously we were going to meet to finish up doing stuff for the house. After lunch we ended up back at the new house, she invited me in and we watched Game of Thrones. There was no sofa or curtains at the time and we ended up having sex on the living room floor. If the neighbors were looking out their window they could have seen us. This could be part of being in the moment. I'd say the passion was there but if that means anything, I wouldn't know. I need some insight here.
Later that day W had to wait for a delivery and her sister and sister's H to come to help her put some stuff together. I picked up the boys from school. When I got back to the house, the BIL was telling me in another room that W said she could see herself getting back with this new me. I know to trust nothing they say. My BIL says from what he's heard about my sitch was that my W wasn't cheating on me in the sense I was thinking but could have been going to lunch with a male coworker. He said he swears and believes to his core my W didn't cheat from all the girls texting and talking, saying the sisters at her work would know and would have said something as much as they know. BIL says he gives us 6 months before I break my lease and we stop being stupid and work this out. I told him I appreciate him saying that but I don't think that's going to happen. I broke the rule of not speaking to her side. Since this guy is married to her sister, I consider him on her side. He was giving me advice because he was previously divorced. I told him if there were 10 signs, she'd meet 9 of them on cheating. I have no idea why I got into that mess with him when I've been doing good in the last 8 months. I think he just seemed to know it all and I wanted to tell him he didn't. I also told him I'm not trying to disrespect my W but he doesn't know everything.
W and I haven't talked about us but we are enjoying each other's company and she has invited me over to the house every day to be with the boys. Today she ran some errands and had asked me a couple days ago if I could be with the boys until she got back. I said sure no problem. She had a lash appointment and had to buy some stuff for the house so BIL could help do stuff.
My W and I, I feel are in an awkward stage of whatever this is. We both continue to give touch charges, when we pass things we slowly brush our hands against each other or hold the other persons arm, lower back, a few times hugging with my arms around her waist and her arms over my shoulders. She'd sit next to me opposed to months ago on the far side and she'd do nice things whether or not in front of her family or siblings like serving me something or asking me if I needed anything so it feels like she is warming up. However this is not constant. It's like she runs hot and cold with this to some small degree. Earlier I had dinner with her, the kids, and her brother and his wife and daughter. W commented on we made a great team. She said that a couple of times today and said we complimented each other. We got back to her place, went to brush our teeth and I went in for a hug. She gave me one but I sensed a little standoffish and I asked if this was a bit much and she said it could be. I've also found different moments to compliment her in what she does. Told her I was proud of her for her accomplishments with work and her great panache with the décor.
She texted me good night and thanked me for the evening and that she and the boys enjoyed it. I texted her back and told her thanks and also thanks for letting me know about earlier. She said she didn't want me to think she was rejecting me but also didn't want sex to stop us from working on ourselves. She said she really likes this new me and hanging out and didn't want us to fall back into old patterns. She re-iterated how she feels like we make a great team and compliment each other. Then also said but that means we are strong individually and as partners to each other.
This does not feel like what I thought I would be doing with drawing the line in the sand and keeping it all business-like.
This is that gray area where its been said thawing can be confused with temp checking and with the WAS using sex to keep the LBS hooked. So far I'm controlling my emotions and tell myself no expectations but I do think I'm slipping. What does this mean? I feel like I could be wanting more but I remind myself this isn't about me or what I want for the time being.
She had the boys midweek and will have the boys next week. On Friday I will get them for the following week.
I've mentioned this before that I read the post here where the guy saved his marriage with kindness while his W was with the OM. In that story the LBH I guess knew of the OM so at least there wasn't secrecy, if that amounts to anything. I had hoped to be like that guy. Then afterwards, I read what its like to be in the mind of the WW and the deceit. That deceit is still there in my W I'm sure but since there is no R talk, it doesn't surface. There is no longer any disrespect of any kind, no talking under breath, no saying anything bad at all in front of kids or not, no being secretive on the phone. Of course this could all be a sham, and then in the back of my mind I'm thinking and asking "How much time and thought do I want to give this and how much do I want to dwell on something I don't know?"
I feel a little guilty for enjoying some of the time I've had with her. I feel like I am letting down my guard for this woman and could possibly be hurting myself in the future. So, I am keeping my emotions in check.
Tomorrow for Easter, BIL is having something at his place for everyone and we plan to go with the kids.
I can picture the words of tough love and appeasing the W does not gain back her respect. Am I right that although it can feel like there is some traction in the right direction, this is not the right way to go about it? Since I'm physically separated now, I need to act like it and truly give her the space she has been wanting?
I definitely do not want to let W back in easy. At the moment there is no R talk so no chance for recon. I still hold firm in believing W will need to be remorseful for recon and honest about what happened. I guess because I don't see that on the horizon I'm enjoying the now. What makes me feel guilty about that is that I feel like I should be holding out for the future. These are not small wins to enjoy?
Btw, I will be working a lot of overtime in the upcoming months and she has offered to help with the kids on the weekends I am to have them.
This week I plan to get back into working out at the gym. Currently been resting a tennis elbow that is still painful to deal with.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
No words of wisdom for you I'm afraid. It sounds like the start of a new relationship, but with the baggage of the old one. Tough line.
You still want to R, that much is clear. You can't know what she wants unless she actually states it, and we both know she won't. So take it slowly, carry on as you have, living your life, being there for your kids, and generally being the awesome you you have become. Treat it like a new relationship - but tentatively with as few expectations, given the circumstances, as possible. Continue making plans for you and spend time with her (or her and the kids) because you enjoy it, not because it might lead to R. Live in the present with no expectations and no assumptions.
Continue doing you. The rest (whatever that may be) will follow.
Hmm what I wouldn’t give for having sex with my husband again! That said, I think maybe you need to be playing a bit harder to get. What role did sex play in your marriage before? What did it mean to your wife? If she’s getting sex from you and you looking after the kids, what’s in it for her to R? Stick with the new better you and tread carefully, I reckon. If she’s not talking about R then don’t get ahead of yourself till she’s really committed, I think. Good luck
FS, I appreciate your perspective and yes, I understand W will not state what she wants I'm guessing for several different reasons.
Dilly, I hear you. I have those thoughts like you do about it and so many other thoughts as well. For the moment, I am not expecting anything and maybe I am being too easy and accessible for her. I thought about what you said if we have sex and I'm with the kids, what would make her want to R? The person she needs to become may see something in that. Maybe I am leaving that to chance. I'm not expecting anything and I wonder if she filed, would I still want to be around the kids and her as much. I'm sure there will be pain that I'll need to handle, but deep down yes, I am not at that point to 100% let her go, and I'm definitely not trying to play hard to get as a tactic.
On Easter morning, I went to the house early before the kids woke up and W and I had coffee and breakfast. We watched a movie on the couch and had small talk, holding hands, light touching. She continued the conversation we briefly had in text and she said she didn't want me to think she was pushing me away. She liked where we were at and didn't want to fall back into old patterns. I said I agree. She said we made a great team and has been wanting a partner. She asked if this made sense and I told her it does. I told her I want us both to be happy in the future and I think we deserve that partner, someone who helps each other and uplifts and also shares hopes and dreams. She had that smile that reminded me of the old her. She placed her hand on my face and started kissing me. We kissed for a long time and she said she loved my kisses. Me being the big meathead said I love your kisses too. We ended up in the bedroom twice that day. At the end of the night, she walked me to the front door and said have a good night, I love you and then caught herself and stopped.
The other night when I left the house, S6 said he didn't want me to leave. When I got back to the apartment, W texted me saying S6 wanted to text me. She said he texted me he loves me and misses me. She said she was sad by this. In the morning when I facetime the kids before school she said he was crying that night and she felt horrible. I said I could imagine how that felt.
I have been over to the house every day to see them, her and the boys. Last night I went out with them and her siblings to a restaurant. I met the older SIL I had lunch with before. We started drinking and W and the kids were done. They went to get desert next door to the restaurant and the SIL and I got another round of beer and drank a pitcher together. I should have known. I was doing well in not talking about the R with anyone except 2 close friends and my close brother which that stopped early on in the sitch. SIL asked me about the apartment and what I would be doing when the lease was up and then slid in questions about W and I being together so that opened up some answering to questions I thought were safe then I was telling her too much. It was just too much about how I felt. She said she sees that we still care about each other and maybe just need to give it time to work things out. I told her no, I don't think there is any going back to what was in the past because of the stuff that had been going on. I told her she's W sister and will be on her side so I respect that and am not saying anything to try and swade her. I later texted her this morning apologizing for anything I said because I was drunk and in my feelings. Sister in law said she sees W and I still in love and SIL will do anything to help with the kids and she will always be there. She's a sweet person for that.
I have a long way to go. I'm not wanting to pressure W into anything. I'm working on being patient, not being emotional, not holding anything in with being passive aggressive. In time things will shift and we both will see how this physical split is affecting us and the kids. Even after 8 months since BD, this feels like the beginning.
I have my apartment now, I can leave this up. I can have notes, my books out. I can work on me. I have high hopes in this next year I will continue to work out and get down to my original weight. My boys are happy. Still adjusting to this new norm.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
