Persistent Endurance

[curtis7]

C,

I know it's hard but you have to try to not analyze every little things she says. I would encourage you guys to make a schedule on who is looking after the kids and try to keep to the schedule.

Makes sense, if I adhere to the schedule, it will be hard for her to blame me on controlling where she needs to be.

[curtis7]

I also think, based on your history since BD, that you may be using her needing to be home with the kids as a way of controlling her. You've struggled with where she is and what she's doing, but when she has to be with the kids you know she is home. WWs are masters at picking up on tactics like these.

Her freaking out at the lack of communication is typical WW behavior. They expect and actually like for you to text them constantly even if they say they don't. When it stops they wonder what is happening. WWs don't like the loss of control that they feel as the LBH starts getting better at detachment. Some even get mean.

Steve, another astute observation. I do know she can't be with the OM when I leave her with the kids. Of course, her negative view of me will translate this into control 9 times out of 10.

What do you recommend with the text contact? Just keep it civil so she knows just enough for the kids to know where I am? Should I notify her in advance as she requested or wait for her to question my whereabouts?

[SteveLW]

Do not initiate text messages. When she texts, if it is informational do not respond. If it is a question, respond in your own time in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers. In your own time means you don't have to respond immediately. Take your time.

If she questions why you didn't read her informational texts later, just say: "I got it, thanks for letting me know." Or something appropriate to what she texted.

Your goal is to limit contact as much as possible. Face-to-face. On the phone. Over text. Keep your conversations short. Discuss only things necessary about the kids. If she starts a R discussion just say something like: "I am trying to process all of this. I need more time to consider everything." Be polite. Upbeat. But not overly sharing. Remember, stay busy. On her nights with the kids, be out doing something. Anything.

[ovrrnbw]

If you want a real reason not to text back, try to stay busy with GAL bc then you can't be glued to the phone.

You need to shut down some of these talks where you two are psychoanalyzing each other. It's only going to hurt you and your sitch.

[Ready2Change]

Everything that works is counter-intuitive

You have to set her free. Work on being attractive. Change the way you interact. . Take all of your focus off of her and put it on you and your kids.

Focus on personal growth. Focus on being the best dad. Learn to listen without judgement.

[curtis7]

Spring break at school started today for my kids and I’ve planned to take off work most of next week to be with them. I was thinking of taking them on a short trip to get out of the house and spend some quality time. We live in Florida and I was considering a few different options such as Atlanta, St Augustine, or Sanibel Island.

I shared with my S yesterday and he wasn’t too keen on the long drives and chose St Augustine. This would probably be just a 2 day trip.

When my WW got home from work, my S unpromptedly asked her if she wanted to come with us. She seemed mildly intrigued but didn’t make a decision. I said nothing.

Now, on Friday nights, I typically take the kids with me to play volleyball. So, next my S unpromptedly asked if she wanted to go with us and she actually did for once. Maybe I should have backed out then and just let her take the kids, but instead we all went together.

On the way she told me about her job sitch. Her current employer basically offered to match the new job offer from a total compensation perspective. I asked how she felt about that and essentially carried on a validation convo. She also told me about a supervisor that discouraged her from the promotion the day before which was one of the reasons she was upset. I empathized with her which she may have appreciated.

At volleyball, I treated her just like any other player. I focused on having fun playing with my friends with a cheerful attitude and didn’t intentionally look in her direction or try to make eye contact. She kept going back to her phone between volleyball games and messaging whoever. Same thing the entire way home.

After getting the kids to bed, we were each having a snack at the table. We didn’t talk. She, of course, was glued to her phone. I finished shortly after she sat down, so I got up, walked away, and went to bed.

It was a fun night. I feel I did a good job of ignoring her and moving on. Maybe she could sense my lack of interest.

[LH19]

C,

I understand that wen your son asks her to go that you don't want to disappoint him but right now you need space from her. She is slowly putting you in the friend zone and that is a place you don't want to be.

When she is responsible for the kids you want to be out doing something. The key is to be mysterious. Take the focus off your w and she will notice.

[ovrrnbw]

I asked how she felt about that and essentially carried on a validation convo.

Lulz. From now on you can just call them conversations. Try doing it with women in the workplace, or your mom or sister. See how the react as opposed to you just telling them how to fix things.

I wouldn't sit there at the table with her like all is fine and dandy either, it sends this message that you don't want to be sending.

[sandi2]

She said she knows what she's doing is immoral and unethical but I am the cause. She said my pressure pushes her more and more into wanting those interactions with other men.

That first sentence demonstrates how WW's think. She blames her H for everything negative in her life, even her A. Pressuring her doesn't help the situation, but I think she threw in that part for good measure. I remember when I was in an EA, everything about my H felt like pressure. He could just walk into the room, and it was as if all the oxygen would leave. If he did something around the house as way of "helping me", I instantly suspected his of having a covert contract......"If I do this for her, then maybe she'll do what I want". He would also say, ILY, just to pressure me into saying it back.

That was probably enabling behavior to agree to spend the night at our house with the kids, but at this point, I didn't really care what she was going to do, because I have finally come to the realization that I cannot control her,

If you are doing it for the kids sake and not b/c you want to score a couple of brownie points with your WW, then it was fine. It's not a good thing to do if you have an ulterior motive. I'm glad to hear that you now realize you can't control her. We can't force people to love us. If we have to put them in an emotional vise to return our love......then what value is their love?

My wife texted the next day asking if I could attend the closing on her separation home. I asked if I would have to sign anything and she said yes, but couldn't tell me what. I told her I need more information before I'm comfortable signing. She said this is my opportunity to throw a wrench in her plan to separate. I did not respond. However, my thought was this could be an opening for me to negotiate something I want for the relationship in the future. Namely, asking her to agree to attend a marriage intensive with me at some point in the future. Not sure what others think of this and I really don't know the appropriate time to attend such an event. Would it be better to go sooner than later. I think not until the multiple A's have fizzled out and perhaps several months after she has felt physical and emotional space in her separation home. Nevertheless, she hasn't brought it up again, but she will before the closing on April 1st. In the meantime, she has rented a storage unit and began buying furniture for her impending move.

Here's an example of a WW expecting to continue benefiting from whatever her H can do for her.......although she doesn't want to be his wife. You cannot underestimate the pure selfishness of a WW.

My advice is to handle this co-signing from a business point of view, and do not attach any personal expectations. So many H's don't understand that the WW does not want to work on the MR. The H does. He's ready to pull out all the stops to save his M, but she is not on board and has no desire to work on it. Attending any type of workshop, seminar, counseling, or whatever, is not going to change her feelings as long as she is resistant to doing whatever it takes to save her M. This is really another way you are trying to control, it's just wrapped in a different package.

There are so many positive influences near us that could be a boon for supporting marriage, but my W wants no part in engaging with them. Instead she chooses the toxic divorced BFF and a female co-worker of mine that is on the verge of divorce as her two primary points of contact for support and venting. I guess it justifies her current actions as WW to only interact with those that don't contradict her current views, decisions, and actions.

As the LBH, you see all those positive people that could be a wonderful support system for her......but she doesn't want it. Once the WW steps over that line of betrayal, she will distant herself from anyone who does not agree with her choices. The BFF is a strong, negative influence. Women can be very influenced by another female. If you W already had the mindset for waywardness, then making friends with the BFF was like the perfect storm. IRL, I have witnessed women leaving their H to join some single female in a lifestyle that resembles Girls Gone Wild. It's crazy, and when that woman finally comes to her senses and sees the reality around her, it's heartbreaking to see what she sacrificed.

The WW wants to feel freedom. That's why she is resistant to emotional pressure and feels like you are trying to control her. She'll see almost anything you do....as a control method. You have to let her go. She has to figure this out for herself. It may take a couple of years, there's no way to determine. Many times, the LBH will move on with his life, and some time down the road the WW will want to reconcile. Here's what I want you to bear in mind. The two of you are not on the same journey. You are not sharing the same highway. Instead of seeing you as being "one", you have to see you as being two separate entities. She is not the girl you married. The more you try to force her into that mold, the worse she's going to treat you. The more you try to convince her the M can work, the worse her behavior will get b/c she feels she has to prove that she's done. She wants you to back off and just let her live however she chooses.

With that said, you don't have to condone her actions. Your part is to emotionally detach yourself from all her drama. Focus on you and the children. It's great you are involved in kids sports and stay busy. Her behavior at the games are indicative of a wife/mother who is not truly emotionally involved with her family. She's simply trying to "go through the motions" at the moment, but don't be surprised if she starts missing more and more games. We can't make the other spouse be a good parent.

[curtis7]

Weekends in the same house with her are hard. I repeatedly hear alert notifications coming into her phone indicating a new message on the dating app. I don’t know why she doesn’t turn off the chime. She immediately goes to her phone and carries on.

It is sheer disrespect to be chatting up these OM right in front of me. So far into waywardness that she feels no shame.

How do others handle this type of situation? Are there any boundaries that I should think about setting? Or just ignore as best as possible until she moves out in a few weeks?