Persistent Endurance

[LH19]

I did not reach out to her via text, phone, or otherwise unless she contacted me first.

This is good. Keep it up.

The coaching helps me remain social with parents of the other kids and gives me a sense of purpose in life to lead these young men and teach them good sportsmanship and teamwork.

Awesome!

Staying with the kids for 10 nights in a row with less assistance from me seemed to take a toll on my W. According to my son, they were getting dropped off at school barely in time as typically my role is to dropoff. Two times, my W turned the wrong way out of the community heading towards her work rather than school. I think she is juggling so much that the fog, lack of sleep from smartphone addiction, OM contact, divorced BFF issues, separation home, new job offer, and stress of the children is catching up with her. As such, she seemed to look for more opportunities to get into arguments with me. I remained calm, validated when I could, and did not participate in these attacks.

This is all mind reading on your part and is just a waste of time and energy

That was probably enabling behavior to agree to spend the night at our house with the kids, but at this point, I didn't really care what she was going to do, because I have finally come to the realization that I cannot control her, only myself.

Your'e right you can't control her it's good that you understand that.

However, my thought was this could be an opening for me to negotiate something I want for the relationship in the future. Namely, asking her to agree to attend a marriage intensive with me at some point in the future. Not sure what others think of this and I really don't know the appropriate time to attend such an event. Would it be better to go sooner than later. I think not until the multiple A's have fizzled out and perhaps several months after she has felt physical and emotional space in her separation home. Nevertheless, she hasn't brought it up again, but she will before the closing on April 1st. In the meantime, she has rented a storage unit and began buying furniture for her impending move.

No, No No. Now is not the time for it or to bring it up.

Also, over the past week, my son had 3 baseball games which my W attended. She spent 90% of the time staring and pecking at her phone, only to look up when my son was up to bat.

How do you know in detail what she is doing. Take the focus off her.

She didn't sit very close to the other baseball mom's that usually took and interact throughout the game without fantasy distractions. There are so many positive influences near us that could be a boon for supporting marriage, but my W wants no part in engaging with them. Instead she chooses the toxic divorced BFF and a female co-worker of mine that is on the verge of divorce as her two primary points of contact for support and venting. I guess it justifies her current actions as WW to only interact with those that don't contradict her current views, decisions, and actions.

They seek out enablers and shut out anyone who doesn't agree with their thinking.

On Wednesday we were supposed to have our follow-up marriage counseling session, but I had already canceled it last week. My W asked the time of the appointment and seemed surprised and possibly mildly upset that I canceled it. I told her that we never talked about our individual goals, so I didn't feel it was an appropriate time to continue the therapy as we are not currently moving in the same direction. She said she wanted to keep the sessions going to work on our communication with each and the kids. I think she liked the sessions because the counselor is pro divorce and she is hoping that I will go along with that and eventually change my mind. I said to my W "I understand how you feel, and I accept the fact that you feel that way, and I hope someday you will feel that way about me again" and left it at that.

It's good that you cancel the session. Right now it is a waste of time and money. Why would see a pro divorce MC?

This wraps up a fairly detailed history on where I currently stand. I know I have applied so much pressure to my W, that it will take a monumental effort and amount of time to work through this. I do reflect back on how things could have been different today had I not pushed, pried, spied, tried to convince, etc. from the start. Sometimes we just don't know what we don't know. On to daily updates...

You didn't help your chances but you didn't ruin them either. This is likely to take years before it completely plays itself out. Keep posting.

[SteveLW]

Okay, even in this update....WAY to much pressure. Using the document signing as a chance to get her to attend a marriage intensive?! Do you really think it is going to help anything? I know you are trying to get a commitment for it later when the As are over. But do you really think she would honor such a commitment. I mean marriage is the biggest earthly commitment a human can make,and she isn't willing to live up to it. "Yeah I'll go to a marriage intensive at some point in the future with you if you cosign on my bachelorette sleep-around pad. Really?!?

You are obviously watching every move she makes. "She pecked at her phone only to look up when our S was at bat". Come on man, you know she can tell you are watching her like a hawk. She knows you are still attached. She knows at anytime she could promise to make a couple of concessions and have you reattached to whatever level she wants you. Do you think that is worthy of respect?

Drop the rope. Double down on GAL. Stop being laser-focused on her and work hard to detach. Let her go to get her back. Every thing you've done is pushed her further away. Time time withdraw and make her feel that you are moving on. Short of that she will never wake up.

[ovrrnbw]

I gotta say this sounds like me. Lots of attempts at controlling her, lots of pursuit, fear and a lying cheater. Oh and you write a lot haha.

Stop pursuing her completely. She's gonna wonder why you don't want her anymore and dangle bait to make you think she's interested, but don't take the bait. Always take time to consider instead.

Trust me, in time, you will be better than you've ever been. How tall are you? I'm thinking you may need to hit the weights and eat healthy to put some lbs back on. I've been doing this for a year now and the sooner you get tough the better. I have this amazing ability to overlook the things I don't want to believe in my ditch, don't be like me. Remember, there's lots of pretty, smart, funny, and kind women out there but your W is not the person you think she is.

[ovrrnbw]

Oh and stop snooping, just teach yourself to forget about her. Quit worrying about anything you can't control. You're super focused on her. Shes just another cheater right now and you need to quit worrying about her.

Read about the stop sign technique in Divorce Remedy - learn it use it love it.

[curtis7]

LH19, thanks for the assessment on my latest post. It's encouraging that I'm starting to take some of the right steps in this process.

Steve, she sits in my direct line of sight to home plate when I'm coaching 3rd base. I almost wish she didn't attend but that not's supportive for my S. I know glancing at her is a bad habit that I need to break. I wear sunglasses during the games and she's so enmeshed in her phone, that I doubt she even knows I am looking in her direction. You're also right that she has zero respect for me. Parading around on dating apps in front of me and my friends. I need to focus on my GAL and she might see what she's missing.

[curtis7]

I gotta say this sounds like me. Lots of attempts at controlling her, lots of pursuit, fear and a lying cheater. Oh and you write a lot haha.

Stop pursuing her completely. She's gonna wonder why you don't want her anymore and dangle bait to make you think she's interested, but don't take the bait. Always take time to consider instead.

Trust me, in time, you will be better than you've ever been. How tall are you? I'm thinking you may need to hit the weights and eat healthy to put some lbs back on. I've been doing this for a year now and the sooner you get tough the better. I have this amazing ability to overlook the things I don't want to believe in my ditch, don't be like me. Remember, there's lots of pretty, smart, funny, and kind women out there but your W is not the person you think she is.

Ovrrnbw, I guess I did write a lot...I expect the regular updates and replies to be more concise. Based on the stories here, it's like a broken record for many of us, same rookie mistakes over and over.

I'm trying to avoid allowing my emotions to affect my decisions, and in general wait at least 24 hrs before acting on any major major decision.

I'm 5'9", my natural body weight is around 160-165 lbs. I was at 171 lbs upon leaving the cruise in early November 2018, currently at 152 lbs. My pants are awfully lose and most look oversized and baggy. Belts are in about 2 notches. I have a healthy appetite and am eating good foods. Honestly, my body feels great with a ton of energy. This new metabolism is something else. It doesn't matter if I eat junk food or stuff myself, just can't seem to put any weight on. Almost every ounce of fat has melted off my body and I've been hitting the weights hard for over a year, so my strength is there and muscle tone is well defined.

[curtis7]

So, on Wednesday night my W told me she needed to go babysit the divorced BFF's daughters. She had mentioned this to me last week, but never confirmed any plans. She texted me around 6pm and asked when I would be home from work. I told her I was just leaving and she replied with an upset response. When I got home, she was in a hurry to leave and said she was planning to spend the night. I did not question her and took care of the kids.

Last night she told me that her divorced BFF no longer needed her to babysit, so she re-routed to go buy some more furniture for her separation pad. Then, she still went to stay with the BFF after that. I have suspicions that she probably met up with OM#2 somewhere along the way, but it's not worth my time, energy, mental, or emotional health to dig to find out. It's not my problem.

My son had another baseball game last night and afterwards I told him to go home with his mom. I went off to the gym. She texted me at 9:30pm asking if I got in an accident. I replied after finishing my workout at 10pm saying I was fine. Next came a string of texts from her ridiculing my lack of communication. She said it was inappropriate and all I have to do is tell her what my plans are so she knows what to tell the kids when they ask. I replied with some simple validation texts.

She went on to text that we will be determining a schedule this weekend. She is upset that I went to stay elsewhere for the week and a half and leave her with the kids. She said it is clearly a way for me to lock her down where she "belongs." She went on to text "You have assumptions in your brain that you are battling with...your problem...not mine." Her last text was "Feel free to stay away all night and weekend if you like."

When I got home at 10:30pm last night she said she plans to go out tonight. I told her I might have already made plans. She was clearly upset as her eyes were watery and I asked if everything was alright. She said she is tired of everyone sh**ting on her. She said she is dealing with issues at work and with the divorced BFF. Or maybe things aren't so good in paradise with OM or OM#2. If not, I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to find the next love interest on the dating apps. She is in a constant pursuit of happiness and looking in so many directions to fill those holes.

Then, this morning she said I could go do something because she was no longer in the mood. Constant flip-flopping is mind boggling.

[curtis7]

Another interesting comment she made last night was that as a mother, she doesn't feel the need to be around her kids everyday. Since she carried them for 9 months, she is able to let them be on their own without a sense of attachment. I don't understand what she meant, but didn't press. She went on to say maybe other mothers don't feel that way or fathers for that matter.

I think it is her way of manipulating me to watch the kids more often so she can go off and do her thing. She may have been trying to get me to commit to saying that I do feel the need to be around the kids everyday to enable her to pursue her desires without family responsibilities.

[LH19]

C,

I know it's hard but you have to try to not analyze every little things she says. I would encourage you guys to make a schedule on who is looking after the kids and try to keep to the schedule.

[SteveLW]

Two things. Yes you guys need to work out a schedule. You're right, she is trying to manipulate you with the mother comment. But you need to get this in writing so there are no more issues like this.

I also think, based on your history since BD, that you may be using her needing to be home with the kids as a way of controlling her. You've struggled with where she is and what she's doing, but when she has to be with the kids you know she is home. WWs are masters at picking up on tactics like these.

Her freaking out at the lack of communication is typical WW behavior. They expect and actually like for you to text them constantly even if they say they don't. When it stops they wonder what is happening. WWs don't like the loss of control that they feel as the LBH starts getting better at detachment. Some even get mean.

Just hang in curtis, keep focusing on what YOU can control, and that isn't her.