BFF has D 10 and D 7 She’s going back to the same hotel where the first betrayal took place.
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
BFF has D 10 and D 7 She’s going back to the same hotel where the first betrayal took place.
I'd say: "Can you take S8 and D4 over there with you? I have some things I need to do out tonight. I'll be glad to swing by later and pick them back up."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'd say: "Can you take S8 and D4 over there with you? I have some things I need to do out tonight. I'll be glad to swing by later and pick them back up."
Yeah, my kids and the BFF’s kids regularly play together. Do you really think this will help? I’m sure she’ll come up with some excuse why she won’t want to take them. What would the goal be in this situation?
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
I'd say: "Can you take S8 and D4 over there with you? I have some things I need to do out tonight. I'll be glad to swing by later and pick them back up."
Yeah, my kids and the BFF’s kids regularly play together. Do you really think this will help? I’m sure she’ll come up with some excuse why she won’t want to take them. What would the goal be in this situation?
The goal would be to see how she handles this "wrinkle" in her lie. If she is going to babysit there would be NO reason for her to not take the kids with her. It is not an unreasonable request. What it might do is make her realize that a) her lies are not that great and b) you aren't as dumb as she thinks you are.
curtis, I know I've been telling you not to confront, just to worry about you. And in general I still feel that way. But something that hit me catching up on your situation was something I read from another anti-D author. A woman she was consulting with that was cheating on her husband during their separation couldn't believe how DUMB her H was for not knowing she was cheating. Remember, the key to getting your W back is to attract her back. You have to become more attractive than OM, or leaving. The key to that is to COMMAND respect. Do you think she respects you if she has the perspective of the woman I mentioned above?
So while my advice isn't strictly DBing according to the rules, it is time you start calling her on some of her bluffs. When my W was a WW, one of the things she used to do was drop my daugher off at school, on days I was home, and then sit in the parking lot for, sometimes, hours. Sexting. Texting OM. Etc.
One day, after a 2 hour trip to drop my D off at school, which should have taken 15 minutes, I said, "What were you doing?!?" She was like: "Oh, well, and started to give all kinds of excuses as to why she was gone so long. I looked her dead in the eye and said: "You know, I am not stupid." That's all I said. She brought that moment up several times in the days and weeks that followed. She knew I knew more than she originally thought I did.
curtis, maybe my suggestion isn't the right approach. I think I am just having a moment of empathizing with you because I remember when I was there. And that I wanted to do something to let her know I wasn't that dumb.
Last edited by Steve85; 03/18/1904:18 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am going to be very blunt here. At some point your going to let your balls drop and let her know by ACTIONS that her going to a hotel with another dude DOES NOT work for you.
Since she is moving out I would start packing her $hit and moving it into the garage.
If she asks why all her $hit is boxed and in the garage. You look her in the eye and say "you know why" and then walk away.
I have discovered each of her previous PA’s. She should know I’m not stupid. Every time she kept prying to obtain all the details on how I found out so she could prevent that discovery method in the future. Tonight’s PA is the first I’ve learned of in advance.
I’m really torn on this, if I take a hard stance, then I fear she’ll go straight to the divorce lawyer to file as she is that far checked out from the marriage and so strongly addicted to the fantasy.
If I let it play out, then it may run its course and could lose its excitement when it turns from an A into a R.
I have to say my level of shock and feelings toward what she is doing aren’t affecting me nearly as much as they have in the past. I am becoming more numb to her waywardness. I clearly see she is not the woman I married.
I have a few hours to decide until she is off work.
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
I’m really torn on this, if I take a hard stance, then I fear she’ll go straight to the divorce lawyer to file as she is that far checked out from the marriage and so strongly addicted to the fantasy.
What you fear you attract. If she is going to file for a D then she is going to file for a D. Doesn't matter jack whether you recon or not. She will be pi$$ed at you but she will respect you. If she respects you she can fall in love with you again. Even if all the As run their course, she will not come back to a doormat.
I have discovered each of her previous PA’s. She should know I’m not stupid. Every time she kept prying to obtain all the details on how I found out so she could prevent that discovery method in the future. Tonight’s PA is the first I’ve learned of in advance.
I’m really torn on this, if I take a hard stance, then I fear she’ll go straight to the divorce lawyer to file as she is that far checked out from the marriage and so strongly addicted to the fantasy.
If I let it play out, then it may run its course and could lose its excitement when it turns from an A into a R.
I have to say my level of shock and feelings toward what she is doing aren’t affecting me nearly as much as they have in the past. I am becoming more numb to her waywardness. I clearly see she is not the woman I married.
I have a few hours to decide until she is off work.
If she isn't the woman you married, why the fear of her going to a lawyer and filing? What we fear most is what we end up creating. You standing up for yourself may be what prevents the D. Trust me, women do not stay with a man they do not respect.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Another concern I have if I rock the boat before she closes on her separation house April 1st and officially moves out is that she’ll go ballistic and fight to keep our primary house in D.
I like the idea of asking her to take the kids with her tonight.
Any other thoughts / recommendations?
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
I'd say: "Can you take S8 and D4 over there with you? I have some things I need to do out tonight. I'll be glad to swing by later and pick them back up."
Text sent, awaiting her response...
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
