WAW says I'm the "perfect husband and partner"

[Nutcrac]

Wow Jamine. You defined a lot that happened with my story especially my Ex's arrogant behaviour towards me. Other than the EA part, pretty much the entire thing revolved around what i faced in my stitch. Top it all, We had SSM issues and I faced verbal abuse as well. I read all your posts including the the DB veteran comments. In fact I think you share the same job as I have and we pretty much are from similar regions from Asia (Working from home thingy gave it away!!!) .
Interestingly, the timeline is so seemingly similar. I was in the EXACT position as you are last year around this time. And now I am in a free man in a far better situation and shape and enjoying my single life.

Since we both are from similar backgrounds, I can advice you one thing for sure - Your marriage is over (I know it is hard but it is true. Please don't take me wrong) You need to take suggestions from all the veteran's post here and follow their advice diligently. Become stronger. Stop giving a damn to her. Add to this, her family will always support her and will go with her decisions. They may be buttering you and trying to soothe you, but in the background they are cooking up things against you. So any innocent gesture from your (soon to be) Ex will have to be put behind and you move forward like a man and come to the level where I stand - a level with Dignity and Respect, that no one can simply take it away. I can totally imagine your situation and I definitely FEEL for you man. In fact i do see a very similar me in you and trust me nothing can go wrong with GAL. You need to start getting attractive again, women should find you impressive, start dating, move away from her thoughts. That is the ONLY WAY to go and trust me I have learnt the hard way. You will come out just fine in the end ultimately.

One thing I wanted to advice you is the Remote work thingy. I was doing a very similar thing as you did. This sometimes make women wonder that we are lazy as they keep seeing us not the "Outdoorish" active type. Here is where your respect has slowly dwindled overtime and essentially she is kinda "bored" of you as she has seen enough of you. She is kinda done with you and wants to try something new, which is why she is talking to OM and doing all the nonsense. Try doing GAL (gym and stuff) and very limited communications with her and see how it slightly invokes interest in her (although it is temporary) I can tell you for sure the chances of this divorce going through is 99%. But if you keep lingering to her thoughts in the future, you will eventually get depressed and you will not do any justice for yourself. So I suggest suck it up and start moving on! There is nothing left for you in this relationship. And a word of advice since we both are from similar culture, DO NOT give a DAMN to what society things or what Others think. You do what you feel is moral, integral and gives you the happiness you want. You are the one you should be focusing on. Everything else is secondary.

Give the divorce she wants and LET HER GO. If she wants you back she will come back to you, If not move on be happy and do what you need to progress in your life and in your career.

Ready2Change - "I'd love to see them both when I'm in town in an upbeat way, and not reference my W." - perfect -- I am not sure if I agree with you 100% on this. Being in touch with mutual friends (especially the ones close to your Ex) will send the wrong signal. Doesn't it?

[Jamine]

Hey Nutcrac,

I appreciate the advice, but I'm not ready to give up yet. Before all of this, I had a VERY good relationship with W, and I truly think that DBing can help get us through these issues.

I do think you hit the nail on the head with the remote work issue. I think her seeing me work mostly at our house has had a weird affect on her, sometimes it's almost like jealousy, sometimes resentment. Even though I always left the house throughout the day for various things, and would always be dressed nicely (I sometimes have to take video chat meetings at a moments notice), I could tell it bothered her a bit. I should mention that I've only been working remotely for 1 year. When I return home I'm planning to work from my office.

So, I'm not actually from Asia, but will be going on a trip to SE Asia to visit a friend that lives there. I've never been, and I'm really excited to go learn and explore.

I will absolutely take your advice, but it will remain in the context of improving our R. I'm a naturally optimistic person, and while this is certainly testing my positivity, I'm still hoping something can be rebuilt here.

[Nutcrac]

I guess this is where experience matters. You should read my posts on some of the mistakes I did. I admire your confidence and optimism. I am also a very optimistic person and I also would hope u should get back to your wife. However, remember this - She sees none of these good qualities in you now. At this time she wants out. So she will take herself out hook or crook. And you are simply following her breadcrumbs being a nice-guy. You may use some delay tactics to prolong separation but that is all detrimental. It will affect your well being and ur future. Why would you or anyone for that matter want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?Be a man and maintain your dignity.

If at all anything is under control it is only You. And she is not! So even if u become superman it doesn't matter to her as for her, this marraige is over and done. You should start thinking different. Take a deep introspective about you and the mistakes you did in past and overcome it. Think about this she has done 2 BDs. She is as fickle minded as she can ever be. Not ready to face the truth and wants an easy way out. By you letting her go, will create that awareness in her on what she wants to choose in the future after a long time of radio silence. She needs to go put in the "grass is greener on the other side" world and make mistakes. Until then she won't prefer you.

Let's assume for a fact that there will be a miracle and she will come back with apology and start living with you from Day after tomorrow. What is the guarantee that there wont be a BD3? Do you trust her now? If at all you guys were meant to be together, she will come back at which time who knows whether you will be ready to accept her or not?

[Jamine]

I think your right about needing some radio silence for a bit. I've been pretty good about only responding to questions directly, and using other DBing technique in our very sparse communication (text message only) over the last 1.5 weeks. W's been initiating all contact, sending nice messages along with pictures of our dog, and actually sent a picture of herself today.

If W did express interest in working things out, that's all I'd take it as. I don't want to jump back into what we had before, because clearly that didn't work. I would only be willing to work on R if she took it seriously. Until then, I'm moving forward and becoming a better person every day.

[Jamine]

Just wanted to give an update.

W has been continuously sending me pics of our dog with a sweet message. Usually 1 a day. Most of these I don't respond to. The other day W went on a "girls weekend" skiing and sent me a pic of her and her friends from there. Since I'm out of town I didn't know about this until afterwards. My only reply was "glad you had a good weekend." I still don't completely understand why she's sending these, but I'm trying not to read into it at all.

I'm keeping up with DBing, but it isn't getting any easier, and nothing really feels like it's changing. Staying the course with all my good habits and GAL, but of course my wife has no idea about any of these improvements. I've dropped ~12 lbs since I left home, and I was working out regularly there. Changing my diet and doing HIT has made a big difference.

I reconnected with an old friend and roommate who split from her husband not too long ago. We didn't realize that we were both going through this at the same time, and we talked for hours last night. It felt really good to speak honestly with someone that could actually understand this pain, and it felt good to share some of the things I've learned and potentially help her too.

[Nutcrac]

She is throwing as many breadcrumbs as possible towards you to expect a reaction out of you. Let her enjoy and do all the fun things she wants to. You maintain your self respect and reach out to her only if needed.

[ovrrnbw]

Nothing changes as quick as you want it to. Don't worry about her seeing your improvements, you can't control it and even if you could strut around her like a peacock she wont believe it.

The skiing picture seems like she wants you to think no one else is in the picture. But like Nutcrac said, dont settle for breadcrumbs, there is steak when you decide you're ready.

[sandi2]

I reconnected with an old friend and roommate who split from her husband not too long ago. We didn't realize that we were both going through this at the same time, and we talked for hours last night. It felt really good to speak honestly with someone that could actually understand this pain, and it felt good to share some of the things I've learned and potentially help her too.

Oh Jamine, please be careful.

There are too many red flags here.

1. Old friend and roommate. Have a shared history.
2. She split from her H recently.
3. You both are going through relationship problems.
4. It felt good, so you will desire another connection.

You both are ripe for a rebound relationship. Do you know how many relationships begin with the original intention being that they are helping each other go through their pain? My next question is how did you reconnect? Did she contact you by phone of social media? If she did.......then run!

Other than being vulnerable to this old roommate, I think you are doing very well. And, don't misunderstand me about your old friend. Even if this was entirely innocent on her part, you both are vulnerable. So, please be careful. (hugs)

I am jealous of your weight loss! It's so unfair how you guys can lose weight faster than the gals.

[Jamine]

Yeah, you're right. I don't think my old roommate has any sort of intentions, but she been messaging me a lot (social media). It is really nice to talk, and share about our situations, but the happiness is very fleeting. I know I'm vulnerable and probably not in the right place for that. I also miss W more than ever.

I actually got a message from W today, hadn't heard from her since Thursday. She says she wants to talk, that nothing has changed on her end, but the time apart has been good for her. She wants to "check in and see how things are going". I was busy at the time, so replied 3 hours later "sure, when is a good time?".

We haven't talked on the phone since I left, and I have no idea what to expect. I know the game plan...validate, stand my ground, stay upbeat, but not too excited. I'm just hoping there isn't another BD...

[Jamine]

Well, W called and we talked. She told me she's been feeling very good having space to herself , and she still wants to move towards D.

She asked me what my plan was when I get back from Asia, and I told her that I was going to live in my own house and take my time to figure that out. She didn't like this, and almost goaded me into an argument, but I stayed even keeled. She's worried that there will be "drama" if we live together too long - she thinks I should move by the end of May, and said even that long might be too long for her and she might rent an apt to herself. I told her that's fine if that's what she wants to do.

W also said she's going to "start looking into the legal stuff" when I'm in Asia. It feels like an empty promise, but who knows. She asked if I was feeling good about myself, and I told her hell yes. I feel great about myself, but I miss and want to be in my own home.

She wants to pick me up from the airport when I go home in 1.5 weeks. I'll only be there 5 days, but I'm ready to be busy, mysterious, confident, and attractive. This phone call wasn't exactly good, but I proved to myself that I can handle talking to her. I don't quite feel hope yet, but who knows...