Me: "I like 3-4-4-3. We each get the kids the same 3 days every week, and alternate 1 day. And we arrange it so we split the weekends in half - one of gets Friday night and Saturday day, and the other Saturday night and Sunday day."
In my state parenting days are overnight.
So if I understand correctly you are proposing something like this:
Mother- Sat Sun Mon Alternate Tuesdays Father - Wed Thurs Friday
Exchange time: 5P
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Exchanges every Friday after school. 5p on non school days. Midweek dinner visits(was Tuesdays). Kids go to off week parents house at normal exchange time. Off week parent drops kids off at other parents house at 8p.
This worked very good for work. I stayed late two nights on my parenting week (Tuesday and Friday) and late three nights on my off week. Didn't go too long between seeing kids. My kids were in soccer and baseball etc so I saw them more frequently anyway.
The best thing I did was implement the "Drop off parent". If you have a "pickup parent" then you end up waiting around your X's house or vice versa.
I guess my feeling is get things as simple and as concrete as possible. I have stupid exceptions written in. Like 9AM exchange on Easter. Better is keeping every formal excpetion at the normal excahge time.
These are the big exceptions, most people alternate years:
Thanksgiving exception (Mother enjoys Thursday on odd years, father gets Friday) Christmas break exception (We split the time in half. Mother enjoys the first halve on odd years father on even)
spring break
Birthdays??
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Me: "I like 3-4-4-3. We each get the kids the same 3 days every week, and alternate 1 day. And we arrange it so we split the weekends in half - one of gets Friday night and Saturday day, and the other Saturday night and Sunday day."
In my state parenting days are overnight.
So if I understand correctly you are proposing something like this:
Mother- Sat Sun Mon Alternate Tuesdays Father - Wed Thurs Friday
Exchange time: 5P
You got it R2C. Or possibly reversing the Mother-Father days.
You may also want to conciser getting "Right of first refusal" written in. That way, the other parent should be offered the oppertunity to watch the kids instead of a baby sitter. (or over involved grandparents).
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
You may also want to conciser getting "Right of first refusal" written in. That way, the other parent should be offered the oppertunity to watch the kids instead of a baby sitter. (or over involved grandparents).
Yes like the idea of a Right of First Refusal. I am also thinking about splitting holiday days in half as we will be living within 10 minutes of each other. No need to miss out on a holiday when we are that close, and in our history we have never done anywhere near a full day and evening (15 hrs!) anywhere for a holiday, so shouldn't be a problem. Lots of details to still figure out. My L says get an agreement that is as detailed as possible so there will not be too many constant decisions to make on the fly. We can always agree to one-off deviations or outright changes down the road if something is not working.
The goal in your documentation is to reduce confusion and less negotiations.
Fathers day is spent with the father.
Mothers day is spent with the mother.
That appears straight forward. This is where I am stressing the exchange times. When does a day start? When does it end? Is it different for different exceptions. Is a day always 6pm to 6pm.
If you split a day in halve, what time is that? 8 hours sleeping leaves 16 hours awake. 8 hours with mom, 8 with dad.
If birthday lands on school day, 8 hours sleep 8 hours school leaves 8 hours. Maybe 4 hours with each parent.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I think a weekend or holiday "day" is probably 8 am - 8 pm, so splitting the day would be an exchange at 2 pm.
School day birthdays - school lets out at 2 pm, so the "shifts" would be 2-5 and 5-8.
Holiday shifts will probably be ranked in order of importance so each parent gets an equal "quality" of shifts every year - ie: for many the most important portions of the holiday would be Christmas morning, NYE, Easter morning, etc etc.. Nobody gets all the best shifts, should be balanced.
During periods of no travel during school breaks, the regular schedule should apply for stability and continuity's sake. Any travel should be planned for days when that parent already has custody under the regular schedule to avoid too much modification to the schedule before/after the travel.
Either parent can attend sports games, practices, lessons, extracurriculars, etc. Based on my son's schedule, attending events plus my days of custody would provide an opportunity to see him at least 5 days a week, sometimes 6. Not bad.
I'm staying positive, silver linings, Daddy runs the show at the house without interruption or critique, that will be nice. But how much is the back and forth going to suck for the kids? Worried about this, but it's happening no matter. Love input on what has/hasn't worked for others.
Daddy runs the show at the house without interruption or critique, that will be nice.
It is a beautiful thing.
Quote
But how much is the back and forth going to suck for the kids
The biggest thing that scuks for the kids is forgetting things. They learn to get what is important. They learn to have two things, one at moms and one at dads.
We had too many exchanges at the beginning and my daughter (5 at the time of divorce) was always confused on where she had to go.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I think your friend gave you great advice. Put as much detail into holidays, times of drop offs and pick ups etc. and then later on you can be more lax.
My situation is very different then yours we have an 85/15 split (my lawyer had said we needed to try to get ex to take son more so that I had a chance to make more money. I did not want to push for that.) but in hindsite I wish I had included things in our decree like if son gets sick we alternate who stays home or picks him up from school. Who is responsible for half days and school holidays etc. It falls entirely on me and I honestly would have been fired if it wasn’t for my parents.
I get son every Christmas morning and ex gets him from 10 to 2 during the day. The other holidays it’s in our decree that we attempt to split and if not it’s to alternate each year (but ex gives me most holidays and I let him have 4th of July which he likes to spend with son).
Our decree specified that son spends each parents birthday with that parent regardless of whose day it falls on as well (again in my situation not an issue as ex actually switched with me so he did not have to spend his birthday weekend with his son) but in high conflict cases I have heard dads upset that they have to celebrate their birthday without their kids.
We also put something in there regarding baby sitting. Other parent has a right to know who kids are left with. Travel away - other parent has to be notified as well.
But how much is the back and forth going to suck for the kids
The biggest thing that scuks for the kids is forgetting things. They learn to get what is important. They learn to have two things, one at moms and one at dads.
Two of everything is my goal, cost be damned. Probably can't avoid an occasional snafu but won't lack for trying.
