I think you can find a balance between doing your share but not being a doormat. Not moving out isn't for your sitch, it is a legal suggestion because leaving can be viewed as abandonment.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Why isn’t moving out for my situation? I think for me it would just be better at this point. We went over everything in mediation, so obviously she is moving forward. The don’t believe what they say and halfback of what they do is not really happening in my situation. I wish it was. If I do move out I will have something in writing that I am not abandoning my home or family.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Wolfman, do what you want. But I am trying to get you to think about it before doing something out of emotion. I've told other posters that if avoiding pain is your chief concern then you are going to emotionally react in ways to try to avoid pain. Avoiding pain rarely helps these sitches. sandi's 37th rule is NEVER GIVE UP.
Is it your right to move out? Absolutely. You asked if you should. And the general advice it to not move out until or if there is court order to do so. Just put your head down, concentrate on 180s, GAL and further detaching. If you think detaching is easier with physical separation, go read the sitch of those physically separated and you'll see that is NOT the case.
That's my opinion. That at $2 will buy you a bottle of pop.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sandis rule to never give up. I haven’t but how does being in her house help? I have been in this situation for 8 months now she has yet to show any signs of wanting to reconcile. I know it takes a long time but I know my w she is “never” wrong so by her reconciling would mean she is wrong. And trust me she would rather be right at the expense of the marriage than be wrong. She is also oblivious on the toll this is taking on my D. She is now starting to fail 2 classes and she wants to blame her for a lack of effort. Yet she doesn’t want to understand that that her lack of effort comes from out D. It’s all about my w and nobody else. I read on another post that when our W has a problem it’s everyone else’s fault but when someone else has a problem they need to get over it. It’s so sad if she could only see how much she is destroying this family by doing this. She feels d is going to make everything ok and life will be grand. Especially now that she has a book that tells her how to find, “Mr. Right”. Give me a break. Little does she know that she is married to him already because I did a lot of soul searching and know exactly what she wants.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
It’s amazing how family and friends are coming out of the woodwork that almost all my close friends and family did not like my W. Not because of what we are going through but before that. It makes sense looking back why no one in my family and my friends didnt really call us to get together. Maybe D won’t be so bad. She just flipped out because one of my friends defriended her on FB. She is so pissed. It’s funny how she thinks that my buddies are suppose to be her friend while she is D’ing me. She says thinks how come your buddies don’t call me to see how I am doing? She is that delusional.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
I've been year+ in my sitch living separate and I have NEVER HEARD A SINGLE SYLLABLE about R'ing or being wrong about ANYTHING from my WW. I can only imagine how tough IHS must be, but you are not alone in what you are dealing with no matter living with her or without her. It is all about my W and nobody else in my sitch. I could recite the exact same things you said about my W...and you know what? Not one D**n thing I can do to get us back and ***2x4 incoming*** neither can you. BUT...you can do more to push her even further away from you.
When I got here I thought if we D that's it, but the vets told me that the "marathon" goes through the divorce AND technically if you think about it, most times once you've been BD'd on, your MR is basically over at that time anyway and the D is just paperwork...and they are right.
Endure wolf...I can tell you I have no idea what my future holds for me, but I also know that just like you with how my WW has been that I can't go back to what it was. And who knows, maybe one day even after if you two get divorced, she may come back and want to R with you. Question is will you want her back if that time ever comes?
Prayers for you buddy! Trust me I'm living just what you wrote as are MANY other men and women on here.
I have a question for everybody. When we first decided to separate I moved out of the house for 6 weeks, this was back in August. Then our MC suggest I move back in, in to the basement where there is a room and bathroom. I have been down there since September. I don’t want the D she does. I am tired of sleeping on a pull out couch bed for 7 months. Is it wrong if I just decide to move back into the MB? We finished ironing everything out with the mediator, she is full steam ahead on this. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, so should I care if she gets pissed if I go back into the MB? Just wondering what everyone would do or have done in their situation.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Wolf...it is not "wrong" to move back into the MBR, but you have to be ready for the consequences whatever they are from her when you do.
The reality is you should not have left originally neither the house nor the MBR, but given that time has passed you really need to assess your sitch and decide what is best for YOU overall and not how it's going to make her feel.
Personally I would be concerned if she tried to call the cops or escalate the scenario which would make my sitch even more difficult than it already is. You need to be looking big picture on your sitch to include the real chance you may end up divorced and as such be smart and think past just how you moving back in the MBR would look.
You seem to want to DO something, but brother as the vets will tell you here you need to do what WORKS and many times what does is not what you'll want to do. Tactically going back to the MBR may feel good, but could strategically make your sitch worse.
The mediator asked us if we wanted a legal separation or divorce? I thought she was all for divorce and she hesitated. So, we have to decide on what route we want to go. Legal separation will be cheaper. But I wonder if we just go for divorce? Wondering what people on here have done if they had the option. Or just in general what I should choose.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
I have a question for everybody. When we first decided to separate I moved out of the house for 6 weeks, this was back in August. Then our MC suggest I move back in, in to the basement where there is a room and bathroom. I have been down there since September. I don’t want the D she does. I am tired of sleeping on a pull out couch bed for 7 months. Is it wrong if I just decide to move back into the MB? We finished ironing everything out with the mediator, she is full steam ahead on this. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, so should I care if she gets pissed if I go back into the MB? Just wondering what everyone would do or have done in their situation.
Actually quite the opposite. You were wrong to ever move out of the MBR. Taking back the MBR is like taking back respect. Remember, respect is COMMANDING not DEMANDED.So take back the MBR and COMMAND respect.
Don't say anything just move your stuff to the MBR. When she protests calmly state: "I am moving back into the MBR. You are welcome to sleep anywhere you want."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
