GAL continuing in full force - gym, working OT, dinner and drinks with friends. Multiple interesting comments from friends on my sitch and on my STBXW that I will elaborate on when I have more time. However the short of it is that more friends and family have told me that they witnessed W's harshness, nitpicking, and controlling behavior from time to time. There is a two-pronged effect of hearing this stuff - first, incredible relief that I am not crazy and that her personality issues are observable to others, but second - I am having a harder and harder time acting friendly toward W because I just don't think I even like her as a person.
Funny to hear you say that Gekko, several members of my WW's family had told me the same things about her.
Alot of what I post on here to others has to do with "turning points" so to speak on an LBS's journey. Where you are I think is one of those points. When you are validated by others not in your sitch that you aren't crazy in regards to your WW's ways/actions, that's very empowering...the validation sets off the whole "hey wait a minute" mindset and from that point an LBS can really start to move forward so to speak.
The second part...yeah once you are aware they are feeding you a bunch of crap as others see it too...I can understand the desire to want to be less friendly towards her, but I would caution you to be mindful of the larger picture when you feel like changing your disposition with her. Ideally friendly would be great, but at worst do your best to keep it courteous and business like or as we also say around here treat her like the cashier at the store or your next door neighbor. I haven't read back to your prior thread but I assume she is the mother of your children so beyond the reasons I've just given, if nothing else try to be that way for the benefit of your children. They will need and want both of you to be as cordial as possible given how much this will impact their lives going forward.
Lastly, just because your W may have her issues, don't let that preclude you from continuing to look within yourself at how you contributed to getting your R where it is. None of us are perfect so surely there are things that you can work on within yourself to be a better man, father and spouse.
You have a different set of skills to learn than most here. You have had some time to reflect on what you need to change. Do you get to practice these with STBXW? Does she notice a change? Do others?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
One of my biggest traits has always been that I am reactive - if I am treated well I will give it back even more so, and if I am treated poorly I will counterpunch. Respect has always been a big deal to me and I have always had strong boundaries in this department - there is going to be a confrontation if you disrespect me. I also react to any attempt to micro-manage me or to anyone who tries to order me around.
I have made tremendous progress in not reacting strongly in most instances, staying calm and cool, but still enforcing my boundaries. I think I am in a pretty good spot with my immediate responses to W's constant shyt tests and snide comments. I have always been good in this department with amused mastery, agree and amplify, and pressure flips if you know the terms. I didn't know the terms for what I have always done until recently. But my weakness was to sometimes get drawn into W's emotions and get into an argument, and I have cut this out totally. I have added "ignore" to my toolbox and use that now as well. So I am feeling pretty good about where I am at with this part of it.
Regarding my general demeanor, I have been going for the "clerk at the store" interaction with W. I am pretty cordial, but also pretty short and of few words. I wouldn't say "friendly" - more businesslike. No probing questions about her day or what she is up to. She is initiating most conversations. I am definitely on the cool side but not an ahole. Not a lot of smiles, just very matter of fact. No pursuit whatsoever.
W has definitely noticed my refusal to engage in an argument and my ignoring and walking away, and that I am cool 100% of the time instead of 75%. But she has also noticed that my demeanor remains distant and cool as well and that our interactions are not deep or have any real warmth to them. So my goal remains to inject some friendliness and warmth into the interactions. My hand has been on that dial but I am cautious about turning it up and quite honestly I am not a big fan of her these days. It's hard to want to be friendly with someone who hits you with criticism, snide comments and who you know just wants OUT.
I guess i'm having to face the feeling that I want space away from her and the toxicity. While she can be totally nice and fine much of the time, it's always just a matter of time until the next underhanded comment is made or her negativity bubbles up. Almost daily. The sound of her voice yelling at the kids to eat their breakfast or to do this or that has become almost unbearable. Constant complaints about things we all deal with in daily existence have worn me out too. I can't lie, I am looking forward to the silver linings of a S/D and getting some peace and tranquility. So maybe I am close to not DBing any more?
The sound of her voice yelling at the kids to eat their breakfast or to do this or that has become almost unbearable.
I believe there is a balance in expressing emotions. Your W does not know this. She does not have the tools. This is where you may be able to help guide her. Google parenting with love and logic.
H:"W, you sound frustrated." W:"Bla bla bla " H:"W, Yes I understand that" W:"Bla bla bla"
H:"W, well maybe there is something we can do different. I will do some research"
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Constant complaints about things we all deal with in daily existence have worn me out too.
She needs to vent. Woman are wired different. My woman wants me to understand what she FELT through out the day. No mr fix it.
Example: She was angry with her boss. Of course she can not express that anger at work. I get to experience her anger at her boss in the evening. I am strong enough to take it. I make it safe for your to express herself.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Constant complaints about things we all deal with in daily existence have worn me out too.
She needs to vent. Woman are wired different. My woman wants me to understand what she FELT through out the day. No mr fix it.
Example: She was angry with her boss. Of course she can not express that anger at work. I get to experience her anger at her boss in the evening. I am strong enough to take it. I make it safe for your to express herself. [/quote]
I was always pretty good about just listening and validating (for years), but then when W's criticism of me ramped up I started to lose interest in suffering through her venting. Her venting took the form of repeating the same story 3+ times. She just couldn't let it go. After 45 minutes of negativity every night about this or that I would finally say "look was there anything positive that happened today?" to which she would get upset at me. I get it, I get that was not the right play on my part, and I no longer play that card. I just validate and then either change the subject subtly or leave the room for something to avoid sitting through the 2nd and 3rd times she will tell the story. I have found validation and then having an exit strategy is the way for me to balance her need to vent and my need to avoid endless rants and maintain some sanity.
I was always pretty good about just listening and validating (for years), but then when W's criticism of me ramped up I started to lose interest in suffering through her venting. Her venting took the form of repeating the same story 3+ times. She just couldn't let it go. After 45 minutes of negativity every night about this or that I would finally say "look was there anything positive that happened today?" to which she would get upset at me. I get it, I get that was not the right play on my part, and I no longer play that card. I just validate and then either change the subject subtly or leave the room for something to avoid sitting through the 2nd and 3rd times she will tell the story. I have found validation and then having an exit strategy is the way for me to balance her need to vent and my need to avoid endless rants and maintain some sanity.
I think I do something similar.
H"W, I plan on going out to the garage in about 30 minutes. Want to talk about your day before I go out?"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Yeah, I want to give just enough ear and validation for her to get through the story once and then i'm done. The listen, validate and re-direct route is almost like dealing with a child, LOL.
W has met with a mediator and is ready to sign the fee agreement, have the mediator file for D and move forward. I am checking out the mediator to see if he is legit. If so I will agree and off we go.
We are talking about a custody schedule and W wants one where we each get 2 days a week then alternate weekends, so I guess that is 2-2-3.
W: "I think 2-2-3 for custody, so we alternate weekends."
Me: "I don't like that. It means I will not have the kids for 5 straight days, and that will happen twice a month. Too long of a separation."
W (getting agitated): "Well that's what everyone does, they alternate weekends."
Me: "Who's everyone?"
W: "Everyone who I have talked to."
Me: "Who?"
W: "Okay, well what do YOU suggest?"
Me: "I like 3-4-4-3. We each get the kids the same 3 days every week, and alternate 1 day. And we arrange it so we split the weekends in half - one of gets Friday night and Saturday day, and the other Saturday night and Sunday day."
W: (very agitated): "I have never heard of this splitting weekends in half. I want the kids for an entire weekend and then to have an entire weekend free. Everyone alternates weekends."
Me: "Who's everyone?"
W: "You're going to make this difficult, aren't you?"
Me: "Because I want to see my kids a part of every weekend? It's the only large chunk of quality time available, the weekdays are too hectic. I don't want to go 2 weeks between quality time with them. If you want them for a full weekend every now and then that's fine, and I'm sure vice-versa. We can work that out."
