Still in limbo

[Ready2Change]

Check to see what are the differences in divorce laws are for both states. (just sayin) You never know what true motives people have.

[Ready2Change]

Hi girl,

You have done a great job at this. Now is not the time to backslide. Take stock of what is working.


I assume you have finished reading TAoS. Anything in there that you want to add to your new self?


I strongly suggest you take some time and reflect on your weekend away. Did H feel like he was loosing you? How did he respond.


Part of this process is YOU finding yourself. How many new female friends IRL have you made since BD? Maybe that is a goal for you.

I wish you well.

Again, have fun with this. It is your life.

[Living]

AnotherStander, we be dropped the I want to fight for the M and go to counseling bomb, I said nothing. Again, I was skeptical so I figured what’s the point in even saying anything. He’s only been back for about a week so he has serious, he will mention it again. Otherwise I’m not saying anything.

Of course he could have been joking about taking a job elsewhere. Like I said he’s a big joker. But the problem is his behavior has been so unpredictable that I’m not sure what to take at face value and what not.

But I’m not going to bring it up. He has an upcoming therapy appointment so I’m sure he will discuss it with his therapist if he’s seriously contemplating a move. He seems to like his therapist and opens up to him so I’m glad about that.

[Living]

Hi girl,

You have done a great job at this. Now is not the time to backslide. Take stock of what is working.

Lol, I’m not sure what is and what’s not working. Ha! I need to pay more attention to that. I’m writing more in my journal, maybe I should go back and re-read some entries. Thanks for the vote of confidence! It’s truly day by day.

I assume you have finished reading TAoS. Anything in there that you want to add to your new self?

I have finished it. It was good read and I see many things I can add to my new self. Only thing is the book kind of mKa me horny and sort of like a seductress. Lol!

I strongly suggest you take some time and reflect on your weekend away. Did H feel like he was loosing you? How did he respond.

I’m positive he felt like he wasn’t losing me. He totally lost his sh@t. I think he thought I was with another man. He almost went nuts.

He was also a bit worried while he was away on his trip because of the way I communicated with him. I kept it short, ended the conversation first, and didn’t respond to his text messages right away (some days not at all).

He wanted me to know how much he missed me but he felt like I didn’t miss him.

I had plans while he was away and one night I went out. He called, I answered. He asked was I going out, I said yes. The next morning he called, the first question he wanted to know was how was my night out. Lol, I got a good laugh out of that.

Part of this process is YOU finding yourself. How many new female friends IRL have you made since BD? Maybe that is a goal for you.

I wish you well.

Again, have fun with this. It is your life.

I haven’t met any new female friends. I’ve been hanging out with some of my current friends.

And R2C the one thing that I’m thankful for during this crazy ordeal is that I’m finding myself. Day by day, I find myself even more. I’m loving the person that I’m becoming. My confidence is coming back. Oh and he’s noticing it! But my confidence coming back has nothing to do with him per day. It’s coming back because I’m doing the work on me. Again, I’m going to become the woman that he will be a fool to leave. And if he does leave, it will be his loss!

[AnotherStander]

AnotherStander, we be dropped the I want to fight for the M and go to counseling bomb, I said nothing.

Oh good, sometimes no response is the best response! I like it!

Of course he could have been joking about taking a job elsewhere. Like I said he’s a big joker. But the problem is his behavior has been so unpredictable that I’m not sure what to take at face value and what not.

This "big joker" thing makes me think he's a classic passive/aggressive "nice guy". They often hide their intentions behind a joking facade so that if they don't get the response they're looking for or if it blows up they can always fall back on "oh I was just kidding!" I'm not buying it.

[Living]

AnotherStander, we be dropped the I want to fight for the M and go to counseling bomb, I said nothing.

Oh good, sometimes no response is the best response! I like it!

Of course he could have been joking about taking a job elsewhere. Like I said he’s a big joker. But the problem is his behavior has been so unpredictable that I’m not sure what to take at face value and what not.

This "big joker" thing makes me think he's a classic passive/aggressive "nice guy". They often hide their intentions behind a joking facade so that if they don't get the response they're looking for or if it blows up they can always fall back on "oh I was just kidding!" I'm not buying it.

Dear God sorry for the typos! Lol!

You may be correct AnotherStander. He didn’t bring it up again yesterday so who knows. I’m not really convinced that he’s actively looking for a job in another state. I think he may have been throwing that out there to see how I would react. I kind of started it when I asked him was he thinking of applying for one of the jobs. So again, I’m not sure how serious he may be. It’s possible he’s considered it but like I said, who knows. I honestly think he’s still trying to figure things out.

I think he’s caught between thinking there may be something out there better for him and I could be making the biggest mistake of my life if I leave her. He thinks there is something out there that will make him happy. He needs to learn that happiness can’t be bought or traveled to. It also doesn’t come from another person. It’s something that is developed within.

I’m also convinced that he’s having an identity issue. He truly has lost himself over the years. I think that he really is trying to find himself and who he wants to be. I’m sure the MLC makes him think that I and our M keeps him from doing that. Again, the more I research about MLC the more my H behavior makes sense to me.

I think I’m handling our sitch in a good way. I’m getting better at just listening to him when he speaks and validating. I read a lot of the advice that is given on this forum and I implement it in my sitch. My only option is to continue to take care of myself and let him figure him out. Wherever the chips fall I have no control over.

I guess the good thing is ALL is not bad. We still have lot’s of moments where we laugh and enjoy each other’s presence. We seem to still have a decent friendship. So only time will tell how this journey ends.

[Living]

Journaling

I wanted to pop in and give a quick update.

Things have been going well for me. I’ve been doing well checking things off my to-do list. I’ve also been getting out and walking. The weather is starting to get better here so it feels good to get outside.

I’m still working on adapting a healthy diet. I’m trying to force myself to eat breakfast which is tough. I did lose 2 pounds last week, so yay me. However, I know I have to get better at not skipping meals.

I’ve been focused on work and my business. I’ve been really making short term goals that will help me achieve a big goal of becoming financially independent of my H. I want to be able to solely provide for myself with or without him.

Overall, again, I am so happy with the changes that I’m making with myself. I’m becoming a better person and it feels so good. Of course there are still things to work on but I’m slowly chipping away at the old me. At the beginning of this year, my new year goal (I don’t make resolutions) was to become a better version of myself. I’m proud to say, I’m doing just that.

I’ve done so many 180’s and I’ve been consistent with them. I’m sure my H has noticed them but he hasn’t said anything about them. To be honest, that’s just fine with me. I didn’t do them for him, I did them because it was the right thing to do.

As for H, I don’t really see him doing many 180’s. He’s still in the tunnel and imo has been a bit withdrawn for the past week. Not sure why but hey what else is new?

He is doing little things like if I start cleaning the kitchen in the evening, he will come in and help me. When I first started this 180, he wasn’t helping me at all.

I mentioned previously that he started kissing me goodbye in the morning again. Well in the past couple of weeks, he’ll also text me during the day (while we are at work) wishing that I have a good day. That is something that my old husband always did.

So I do see little bits and pieces of the old him but not enough for me to feel like we are turning a corner. He’s still not the loving and affectionate man that I married. I imagine it’s hard to be loving and affectionate when you are no longer in love with your wife. I imagine it’s also hard when you don’t love yourself.

Yesterday I had a thought that made me sad. I thought...maybe just maybe...H has lost it for me just as he said. Maybe he no longer loves me. Sure he cares about me but he doesn’t love me. I’m not sure a M can survive if one partner doesn’t love the other one. I mean he tells me that he loves me. Not daily like he used to but at least once a week. It’s crazy how he used to tell me he loved me everyday and now I hear it once (if I’m lucky) maybe twice a week.

Any who, that’s my update. I’m still thriving and surviving my friends. There are good days and bad days but each day that God wakes me up is a gift!

[97Hope]

I don't have any advice because It does appear that we are in similar sitches. Holy cow. I do believe there is a script that they read!

I'm going to start following you and grabbing some encouragement from your thriving and surviving. So far I'm surviving. Ha. Better than surviving, if I'm honest, but not quite to thriving yet.

I'm sorry for your sad thought, but remember, he doesn't always know what's going on in his head so It might be best that you don't think about it too much. (That's what I have found that helps me).

I'm still figuring out this site, so I'm going to try and follow your threads. I like these journal entries. Helps me when I journal, and helps to read about others going through similar circumstances. Keep your chin up! Big hugs!!

ps. In a perfect world, we would be neighbors. I moved here 3 years ago and have a couple friends, but I've only shared my sitch with one and she has no clue what my H is up to. She is completely blown away, so I just hang out with her to have fun. it's funny because it's like an island away from this drama. It would be nice to walk shoulder to shoulder with another stander.

Take care of you!

[Living]

I don't have any advice because It does appear that we are in similar sitches. Holy cow. I do believe there is a script that they read!

I'm going to start following you and grabbing some encouragement from your thriving and surviving. So far I'm surviving. Ha. Better than surviving, if I'm honest, but not quite to thriving yet.

I'm sorry for your sad thought, but remember, he doesn't always know what's going on in his head so It might be best that you don't think about it too much. (That's what I have found that helps me).

I'm still figuring out this site, so I'm going to try and follow your threads. I like these journal entries. Helps me when I journal, and helps to read about others going through similar circumstances. Keep your chin up! Big hugs!!

ps. In a perfect world, we would be neighbors. I moved here 3 years ago and have a couple friends, but I've only shared my sitch with one and she has no clue what my H is up to. She is completely blown away, so I just hang out with her to have fun. it's funny because it's like an island away from this drama. It would be nice to walk shoulder to shoulder with another stander.

Take care of you!

Thanks 97hope, I’ll continue to follow your thread as well. It’s always nice to connect with someone who can relate to our sitch.

I take one day at a time and some days are better than others. When I have a bad day, I don’t beat myself up about it. We are humans and what we are going through is difficult. So when you have bad days, don’t beat yourself up. Know that the next day will be better.

I’d love to have you as a neighbor. We could go shopping and do all sorts of girly stuff. Lol!

Only a few of my family members and one of my friends knows about my sitch. And none of them know the entire truth. I’ve told them what I feel is safe for them to know. They would think I was nuts for standing for my M. It’s always easier to dish out harsh (well meaning) advice when you’re not walking a mile in someone’s shoes. A couple of years ago I would have said you were nuts if you told me that I wound be standing for my M after all that my H has done. I’d be all like, honey...I don’t think so. But again, until you stare our situations in the face, no one can truly say what they would do.

Stay strong and keep taking care of you! Hugs!

[97Hope]

Only a few of my family members and one of my friends knows about my sitch. And none of them know the entire truth. I’ve told them what I feel is safe for them to know. They would think I was nuts for standing for my M. It’s always easier to dish out harsh (well meaning) advice when you’re not walking a mile in someone’s shoes. A couple of years ago I would have said you were nuts if you told me that I wound be standing for my M after all that my H has done. I’d be all like, honey...I don’t think so. But again, until you stare our situations in the face, no one can truly say what they would do.


You can say that again!! And again!! You never know what you will do until you must choose what is best for you. I know this is best for me. Doesn't make it easy, just gives me peace knowing I'm going the right thing.