Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
As he was taking I did validate his feelings. But I didn’t mince words. Was I wrong? Did I handle it ok?
Wow, you did a great job with that convo! Firm yet loving. You stated your boundaries clearly (not waiting, not relocating) and what would happen to him if he chooses to breach those boundaries. Great job all around! You are talking from a position of strength and control, I imagine that's what shook him a little
As he was taking I did validate his feelings. But I didn’t mince words. Was I wrong? Did I handle it ok?
Wow, you did a great job with that convo! Firm yet loving. You stated your boundaries clearly (not waiting, not relocating) and what would happen to him if he chooses to breach those boundaries. Great job all around! You are talking from a position of strength and control, I imagine that's what shook him a little
Thanks AnotherStander, it felt real good to be firm and state my boundaries. And I wanted him to know I’m dead serious.
I’ll also agree that he was shook. He still seems to be shook later this evening.
Thanks again!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
I feel like a million bucks right now. I’ve come so far. Thank God for growth!
H came to me today and told me that he applied for the job positions in the other states. I said great! I hope that you get the job. So when we first discussed him possibly applying for another job yesterday he told me he wanted me to stay in the house and he would continue to pay the mortgage, home owners insurance, and for our security monitoring. I would cover the utilities and other needs for myself and our son. We would both contribute to the rennovation cost for the house. Yesterday when he proposed this I didn’t even address it. I just basically told him what I said above.
So today after he told me he applied for the job he said but I still intend to take care of what I said I would if I get the job. I said great here’s what we are going to do...
I said we are going to go to a lawyer and have this agreement documented. I said we will file this as a legal separation. I explained that this will ensure that we are able to fulfil our financial obligations responsibly. He said can’t we just draft the agreement up and have it notorized? I said oh no buddy, I want a legal binding contract outlining our agreement. He said in a sad voice...”OK”.
He then says, I want wording put in the separation that this is with the intent of working on the M. I told him you can’t work on a damaged M living in 2 different states. Not when there’s trust issues. He said people do it all the time. I responded I’m not people, I’m Living!
I then told him I won’t sign off on any aggreemt that contains the wording “with the intent on working on the M.” He said fine. Then he says so what you’re saying is that it’s over? We are done? I said what I’m saying is that we can’t work on this M in 2 different states, take it how you want.
He then tries to tell me, I can’t guarantee that the M is over and that after he works away for 2 years that I won’t take him back. I responded that I’m sorry that you’ve romanticized how this will go but I assure you I won’t be sitting around waiting on you. Nope, no, and He11 NO! Of course he acted shocked.
So I ended the conversation by telling him I hope he gets offered one of the jobs and I wish him the best.
I may have not handled things perfectly but I’m so proud of myself. I’ve come a long way since I first logged on to this site. I’m sure there will be days that I’m sad and that’s ok. I’ve made my position clear and I’m as serious as a heart attack.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Today, I called the lawyer I visited a while ago go consult with her on how a separation works in our state. She informed me that it is totally legal in our state for us to draft up this sort of agreement. After we talked yesterday, something told me to call her. She’s great too. She told me that she wouldn’t even charge me for the call today. She said when we are ready, just call her set up and appointment and she will help us with the separation. She also advised me roughly how much it will cost and it’s really not as expensive as I thought.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Just catching up on your sitch. What if he doesn't get the job?
LH19, thanks so much for checking in on me! Giving you a round of hugs!
Re: your question what if he doesn’t get the job. It’s funny because he asked me the same thing. At first I hadn’t thought too much about that. I was so focused on letting him know I’m not going to sit by and wait for him. Of course I was a bit angry as well. I’m still a little upset about it to be honest. However, I stand by my statement.
So if he does or doesn’t get the job, I’ll continue to work on me. Which is what I’m doing. It’s obvious to me that he’s trying to run. Nothing I say or do will change that. Rather than do the work he needs to do on himself, he’s trying to run. His IC advised against it but true to my H’s form, he has to learn things the hard way.
So over the past few days I’ve been wondering if I should still stand for the M. The fact that he’s looking for jobs in other states and rescheduling IC appointments makes me feel like he’s not willing to do the work. He stood in my face 4 weeks ago and told me that he’s going to work on being a better man. Thankfully I’m learning to not trust what he says. I don’t see any evidence of him trying to be a better man. I mean maybe he thinks he’s doing that when he’s alone at night in his room. Who knows.
I’ve done many 180’s, I’ve been and continue to work on improving myself. Then I look at him and I see him doing nothing. That makes me wonder, why am I standing?
He’s from one thin to the next. So I guess the real question is, if he doesn’t get the job, what will he do next? And only God knows.
Last edited by Living; 03/27/1906:11 PM.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Hey LH19! Wow it’s been a minute since I’ve posted.
Update: I think I’ve finally dropped the rope. I’ve let my H go. It hasn’t been easy. It still hurts, just not as bad. But I’ve let him go and turned him over to God. God can deal with him far better than me.
For the past week or so, I’ve had such a peace come over me. I’ve been praying and God is listening and answering my prayers. Although, I don’t want my M to end, I now feel at peace with whatever happens. I still love him with all my heart. But I know that whatever happens, I’ll be ok!
I’ve been doing better with the detachment thing. He still pursues me as usual. One day it’s he wants out and he next he’s trying to be all over me. He wants to let me go but still can’t figue out why that’s so hard for him. That’s for him to figure out.
I’ve still been educating myself on MLC. I know it’s not about me. I know that my husbands MLC would have happened no matter who he was in a relationship with. His MLC was set in motion during his childhood. So as you all say, I didn’t break him so I can’t fix him. It’s up to him to do the hard work on himSELF. He can either choose to run or he can choose to do the work. However, the choice is HIS and HIS alone.
I’ve learned to co-exist with him in the house without it bothering me like it used to. I just get up and go about my day. I notice that he’s still here but his presence doesn’t affect me as much as it used to. Lol, there are still days he annoys me but those days are few and far between.
As for the job. No word on that yet. However, if he gets the position, I’ll wish him well. I’m not trying to hold him back or stand in his way.
I’m getting back to knowing my self-worth. I’m not perfect but I have a lot to offer. I look back on how I behaved in the beginning of this journey and I can see how desperate and unattractive that behavior was. I don’t fault myself, just seeing things from a “stronger” perspective now.
Overall, I wake up and I feel blessed. Everyday that I wake up, I know that life is a gift. I just wake up wanting to live life. It feels good to be in this place mentally. I still have so much to work on when it comes to myself. However, I’m excited to see how I will become the best version of myself.
So that’s my update! Thanks for checking in on me LH19. Also thanks to everyone that has helped me on this forum. I appreciate all the great advice.
I’m not where I need to be but I’m not where I used to be!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
