change is good

[uRworthy]

Hey G, first of all....you are an amazing mom.. I truly mean that. What a gift you may have given that young girl. I tend to think as you do, that is was for attention, but, what if it wasn't?

We all have to stop being afraid of getting involved. We have become so insulated.

It may be tough for your daughter for a little while, but, look what you showed her. That you are involved in her life and that you helped someone out, and that matters, G. A whole lot.

And as for the scars, I have them, too. Trust me on that. I have to try really hard to push thru it. I am a people pleaser of sorts, and I was made to feel that I was wrong about everything for many years.

So I have to dig deep sometimes to let my feelings and opinions be known. But it is so important and so are you.

Love you, girl. You did good.

[Ginger1]

What a challenging week. All your sentiments really helped me at a time where I felt like "what the f*ck and I supposed to do?" The day after, I made D11 send me screenshots of the texts. I didn't realize how bad it was until she sent me the texts that were sent to her privately. She was telling my daughter that her friends need to show her she deserves to live because she doesn't feel like she does. How heartbreaking a little girl feels this way.

Here's the rub: this girl was supposed to come over for a sleepover next weekend. She still wants her too, but I don;t know how the mom feels about it. I have to reach out to the mom and I don't even know what to say. I am fine with her being friend's with D11 as long as she isn't trying to manipulate my daughter. But the mom might not be too happy. Or she might be thankful. I don't know.

So, I had my weekend getaway with M and his son and of course D11. You'll never, ever believe how this all started. I was taking a shower an hour before we left and realized one of my worst nightmares has come true. I have breast implants. (I had a deformity I got fixed when I was 22). Well, one of them has apparently leaked/ruptured. They are saline so I am safe..... But here I am, about to go away with my boyfriend and I have to wear a bathing suit and my friggin boob deflated. So I am panicking. I call my bestie of course. I made sure i was safe, which I am, no signs of infection. I told M for the sake of honesty and full disclosure. he was worried about me first, thankfully. We didn't really get to talk about it but this morning he said he only noticed because I pointed it out. What's the hardest part about this? I have to redo them. No choice now. And that is $$$$ I don't have. My dad offered to help me. If I don;t owe on my taxes I have 5k set aside in case I did. I managed to enjoy the weekend and not think too much about it, but it's kind of hard not to. It feels and looks different.

Anyways, to the trip. I had texted M before hand I was going to sneak in a hug and a kiss because I hadn't seen him in a week. He said "please be careful around (my son)". I told him that's why I said "sneak" but I promise to keep my hands to myself. I was slightly put off, because I am very careful. But I told him I understand he might be a little nervous. I decided to leave that ball in his court and I kept my distance. For the most part, once at lunch he rubbed my back at the table, when our kids were on an arcade game he came up behind me and planted a kiss on my neck, this morning when the kids were sleeping I gave him a kiss. Then again at lunch he rubbed my shoulders. When he left my house after he dropped us off, his son actually gave us hugs this time, and I think M and I wanted to hug each other, but he didn't go through with it. It bothered me. But really, I get it, we are easing the kids in and he isn't ready for him to know how we are connected quite yet.

But...... we had lots of fun. Had a ball at the waterpark. Went to dinner, then after dinner we played laser tag and went to the arcade. Today we went snow tubing. Had a great time. We had a snowball fight while waiting on line. His son seems pretty comfortable with us. Our kids get along really well for him being a 5 year old boy, and D11 being an 11 year old girl. His son is pretty adorable and seems to like me and be comfortable around me as well. He even asked his dad if she could come over to our house on tuesday (the next night he is with M). D11 said she would make slime with him. I told him he is invited over anytime. So we planned for maybe next week.

It's a slow build for sure. But perhaps slow and steady wins the race. I hope one day he will be comfortable with his son knowing we are together. Or just not hiding it. But I totally get it, the kid is 5 and this is all new and he is doing what he feels is right for him and his son. Oh, and he questioned my one parenting move this weekend. Respectfully. We had just had a lunch and in the car D11 was asking for a snack she brought. I told her no, not now. He asked me if there was a reason I said no. he asked if it was like an "asserting dominance thing" or if there was a real reason. I told him there was a real reason. My daughter can be food obsessed. Like is planned around meals and snacks, and she gets very obsessive. So I told him I am trying to teach her to let her food digest before she jumps to the snacks. He was like "Oh, ok, I totally get that". So, I respected that he was asking instead of judging straight out.

We did have a great time. I have a very busy, confusing week coming up. exH is still away gallivanting across italy. Tuesday I have a work dinner, I should be home by 7. D11 is giving me a bit of a hard time. Wednesday night, M and I should be going to yoga. It's the only time we will get to see each other. Thursday I have a dinner tricky tray, and D11 is going with her grandma. It's supposed to be my non-kid weekend, but exH is still away. I was going to ask M over. he was going to help me out with the tree branches that fell, and I am fine with him coming over and watching movie or something. I guess I just miss him. I haven't been able to hug him or talk talk to him, and i just would love some time with him. But i guess I gotta wait. Also, I have to see the plastic surgeon this week. I reached out to the plastic surgeon who did my original surgery. I am worried that fame has blown up his prices (he did the real house wives of NJ) but he is one of the best.

I swear, there is a never dull moment. My friends always say if it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen to me (the crazy stuff, like a boob popping)

[Ginger1]

Well, me and M’s first test has come about and I can’t stop crying.

I got an appointment with my plastic surgeon today and I have to have surgery within 3-4 weeks. Having surgery every year stinks enough as it is, but when it might cost 10k that you don’t have? Well, that adds stress. We discussed my options and either way it’s aurgery, now or later. If it’s not now, I need to get the other one drained in the office, but survey is inevitable either way.

I’m pretty stressed. I shared the verdict with M and he was pretty distant about it. Long story short is he is kind of traumatized from his ex’s breast cancer surgery. He alogizex for being skittish about it. I said I hope it doesn’t change the wY he feels about me. He says he feels scared for me. I validated all his feelings and told him I wouldn’t talk about it and give him space to process it. I told him just know I love him and he’s been silent since .

I can’t atop crying. I’m so emotionally drained. It was enough for me to deal with it but now he made it about him. And he’s distanced himself from me, leaving me here to wonder if he is going to run away from this.

While is trying to say some supportive things, I feel I supported and again, left to worry about my surgery affects someone else.

I have no control over this. There is nothing I can do about it. I didn’t want or need this. I never wanted the deformity and now I am paying for fixing it.

I have been feeling awful about my body and health and let me tell you, a deflated boob doesn’t help.

I just pray he comes around with this and doesn’t run. I told him I’m only going to be down a long weekend and I have my dad and stepmother taking me and helping me and he could be minimally involved. He certainly didn’t argue that one.

I am the type of person who support the one I love through everything no matter what and put myself aside. I guess this will be a test of if he feels the same way about me.

There don, our first real test. Let’s see if we have something significant enough to survive it

[Ginger1]

Sorry for all the typos, phone andctears. But you get the drift. I pray that the reason he feels scared for me and is acting like this is because he actually truly loves me.

[Twofeet]

Sorry G I don't know your whole backstory, just what I have read since I moved over here post-D. So if you have mentioned it and I missed it I am sorry. What is the point of the plastic surgeon visit? Mastectomy, repair, breast cancer, boob job gone wrong? I am just trying to understand the context to your dilemma.

[Ginger1]

When I was 22 I had breast augmentation for a deformity. I couldn’t bare to look at myself in the mirror and I decided to do something about it. I saved my own money and I had it done. Best decision I made for myself I never regret it.

Luck have it, Saturday morning when I was showering to leave for our first weekend away with the kids I noticed that one had leaked/ ruptured ( of course we were going to a waterpark too and I had to wear a bathing suit....)

I have to get them removed /redone. No choice. But I guess it’s too much for him with what he went through with his ex. He’s scared for me. He’s got some trauma. But there really isn’t much I can do than uninvolve hiM.

[Twofeet]

Well I am glad for your sake it's not cancer, though serious nonetheless. It sounds like he has some issues to work through, and I am not experienced in this realm to give advice. However, I hope you two can work through this issue and it strengthens your R.

[Coconut]

G, I can’t imagine how hard it is to have to deal with all that, it’s not something you could do anything about but you are having to shell out the cost to do something about it.. I’m sorry to hear that is happening right now, just trustthat it will work itself out. As for M, try not to put expectations on how he should react, instead just see how he reacts, it will show you how he handles himself, and more importantly you, in the tough times.. you’ve often said how you wasted so much time with your ex, this is an opportunity to see how M is and if HE (not you) is good enough.

On the bright side, I started reading halfway through your post for some reason and thought you may have breast cancer, so even the worst outcome is better than the best outcome of that scenario.. chin up girl, you got this.

[kml]

My advice - don't borrow trouble. You're making an ASSumption about how supportive he will or won't be but you don't have enough information yet.

I'd recommend when the time comes that you make it clear what you would like him to do for you. He'll either step up or not.

But if you play this "I'm strong, I have no needs, you don't have to do anything for me" schtick, you'll never know whether he's capable of giving you what you want or not.Give him the opportunity to step up.

Sure, I get that he might have a little PTSD about boob health. But if he can't get over that to give you the support you need and deserve, then better to find out now.

[AndrewP]

(((Ginger))) - I'm sorry that this has been dumped on top of you. YOU - I know can deal with this. But yeah - the money part, and triggering M.

Remember though - he's a giver. I expect that he'd be happy to help in anything not directly boob related. Looking after the purse devouring monster perhaps. And - I hate to say this and am watching closely in my own situation - nothing money related. Us knights in battered armour often get dragged in to save damsels. Always willingly, but once you've been tossed aside by a damsel who has used you up, you get skittish. It happened to me more than once pre-marriage.

You've given him a shock. He's going to need some time to process this and to accept that this is not the same. I don't know how you deal with things. For me, it's often humour. Assure him that you won't get balloon animals put in there - unless he finds that sexy

You'll be fine lass. I'm glad that this has happened later rather than sooner. Your friends are all out here for you too.

((G))