Persistent Endurance (Part 2)

[Ready2Change]

I walked in and said I need to go to sleep. She gave me a scowl, got up and walked out without saying a word.

Perfect!

[curtis7]

So, I was going to bring her water pillow to the guest bedroom, but as I approached the door I overheard her talking on the phone with divorced BFF. Something about how 25 year old OM made her feel like he gave her a dismissal and she is really confused by it. She went on to talk about 3 other guys from the dating app, I guess she is serial dating now.

She said she was hoping that I would say yes to being on a date, so she could just be open about what she is doing with other men and stop having to hide it.

Then she said I made a power play by taking the MBR back and that it was annoying as F***. She also said she was curious where I was going out at night and doesn’t understand why I wouldn’t tell our S where I go when he asked me.

She sounded very disappointed that OM isn’t giving her attention...the lows of limerence. OM is a user that will show up when it’s convenient for him and WW will cater to his every wish.

She is so deep into waywardness...no water pillow tonight.

[ovrrnbw]

Curtis, she needs....NNEEEDDDSSS...just absolutely needs you to respond truthfully and honestly. Yet she can have an affair, multiple affairs. Next time she says something you need to remember that you have to vomit first.

[curtis7]

I was listening to a Podcast this morning and it discussed your spouse becoming detached and the unlikelihood that they will return to the marriage. They differentiate between despair which I think my W was going through last year during IC and detachment which I think was the result of my W’s IC coupled with temptations and advances from other men.

Maybe others could listen to the episode below and give thoughts on WW being detached.

Listen to Hell or Highwater Detachment and Despair After An Affair from Healing Broken Trust In Your Marriage After Infidelity in Podcasts. https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast...ty/id1156329240?mt=2&i=1000382895796

[AnotherStander]

I’ve been spending a lot of time contemplating what action I should take next.

I know you feel like you need to "do something" but you don't. DB'ing is more about pulling back and giving her time and space while you work on you. We all come here thinking that we need to do SOMETHING so we want to know what the "right" thing to say or do is. We need control back! But right now her mindset is that you are the reason for every bad thing in her life and removing you is her path to newfound peace, love and prosperity. The only thing you can do to combat that view of hers is to remove yourself from the equation. Don't fight. Don't argue. Don't beg, plead, negotiate. Don't beg her to stay, don't beg her to leave. Don't ask her out. Be scarce when you're both home. When she talks, you listen. You validate no matter how crazy the stuff is coming out of her mouth. Let go of your need to "control" the relationship.

I’ve gone dark towards her with virtually no contact (kids only) since her verbal attack on me over the phone on the way to her PA two days ago. She hasn’t attempted contacting me either. I doubt she’s picked up on how disrespected I felt that was, probably too late to tell her, I should have taken a stand as it was occurring.

Be careful about passive/aggressive responses to situations. You are correct, the time to address it is while it is happening. And you do that by politely and firmly saying that you will not be disrespected or you will hang up. If she continues then you hang up. Letting her tear you a new one and then going dark on her just looks like a passive/aggressive response. You need to start responding from a position of strength, and establishing boundaries is how you do that.

Out enjoying myself with GAL tonight, W sends texts.
W: “I need to ask a question and I hope you will respond truthfully and quickly. ”
W: “Are you on a date? ”
W: “Totally okay if you are. Just curious. “
H: “No. I haven't given up on us”
Right or wrong response?

OK well as LH said you established you are still firmly in place as Plan B. But also that response is pursuit behavior. It's you telling her "I won't let you go, I don't care that it's what you want, it's not what I want and what I want is all that matters." She doesn't care one bit about what you want. So don't tell her what you want. A lot of LBS's think that since they were poor at sharing feelings before BD that they should start now, that it's a good 180. NO. That is one area that you do not want to do a 180 because after BD, she ceases to care about your feelings. She may care later, and if recon happens THEN it will be time to 180 that. But not right now.

So, I was going to bring her water pillow to the guest bedroom, but as I approached the door I overheard her talking on the phone with divorced BFF. Something about how 25 year old OM made her feel like he gave her a dismissal and she is really confused by it. She went on to talk about 3 other guys from the dating app, I guess she is serial dating now.

How's all that snooping making you feel?

She said she was hoping that I would say yes to being on a date, so she could just be open about what she is doing with other men and stop having to hide it.

Right, it gets hard to keep track of all those lies. It's easier to be a truthful cheater than a lying cheater. I swear the crap that comes out of their mouths sometimes.

She is so deep into waywardness...no water pillow tonight.

Next time leave it outside her door. Then she'll see it and wonder how long you were out there and what you heard. She might even ask if you heard anything. Say "yes" and walk away.

[curtis7]

I know you feel like you need to "do something" but you don't. DB'ing is more about pulling back and giving her time and space while you work on you.

Great advice, got it.

Be careful about passive/aggressive responses to situations.

I have a tendency for these types of responses, thanks for pointing that out. I need to be more aware of how I choose to respond to turn the negatives into positives.

How's all that snooping making you feel?

Actually it gave me some insightful perspective on her current state of mind and where I stand. After hearing all the lies for so long, it was refreshing to hear her true feelings despite how negative they are towards recon right now. It gives motivation to double down on my 180s and GAL to show her what she’s missing.

I’m also hopeful that her limerence with the 25 year OM could be fizzling if he stops reciprocating. She even mentioned some astrology crap about how there was a meteor shower and shooting stars on the night they met in November and she felt instant attraction when their eyes locked. Then, how last night was a full moon which signaled it might be over. Nevertheless, it seems like she is ready to transfer that fantasy to anyone else, except LBH.

Right, it gets hard to keep track of all those lies. It's easier to be a truthful cheater than a lying cheater. I swear the crap that comes out of their mouths sometimes.

It must be quite the challenge to juggle all the lies in her mind to me, kids, OM, and dating app prospects.

[AnotherStander]

Actually it gave me some insightful perspective on her current state of mind and where I stand. After hearing all the lies for so long, it was refreshing to hear her true feelings despite how negative they are towards recon right now. It gives motivation to double down on my 180s and GAL to show her what she’s missing.

Well that's good, we usually encourage people not to snoop because you usually get little fragments of info that you don't know how to decipher and it just causes more confusion and angst. But if it gave you some insight and incentive then hey, run with it. I'd just caution not to continue snooping because you probably won't get any info beyond what you already have now, and if she catches you then she will likely get very angry and hold it over your head for a long time.

I’m also hopeful that her limerence with the 25 year OM could be fizzling if he stops reciprocating.

Don't pin your hopes on that improving your sitch because she's likely to just go on the hunt for OM2, 3 and 4. That's what usually happens.

Nevertheless, it seems like she is ready to transfer that fantasy to anyone else, except LBH.

Yes, exactly.

[Ready2Change]

I am just thinking outloud. Other people opinion welcome.


These two stand out:

Out enjoying myself with GAL tonight, W sends texts.
W: “I need to ask a question and I hope you will respond truthfully and quickly. ”
W: “Are you on a date? ”
W: “Totally okay if you are. Just curious. “
H: “No. I haven't given up on us”
Right or wrong response?

so she could just be open about what she is doing with other men and stop having to hide it.

When you are ready and the opportunity presents itself, flip her words back:


H:"W,The other day, you asked me to be honest with, and I was. I would like you to be open and honest with me. Will you do that?"
W"Bla bla bla bla OK?? bla bla"




Can you handle the truth? Can you listen to W without judgment? Can you validate (IE let her know you hear what she is saying without judging her).

Will it do any good? I do not know. Will it gain you respect? I do not know.

[curtis7]

W must not have appreciated being booted from MBR, she texts:

W: “Hi.. I am staying at divorced BFF’s tonight and would like to get to her place by 8.”
W: “I will be staying there tomorrow and Saturday as well. Then plan to be try to come back Sunday through next weekend. So all next week and weekend you can be free to do what you want.”

[ovrrnbw]

Don't respond.