You do NOT need to tell your kids that you agree with this, and in fact,you shouldn't. "Your mother and I disagree, I do not want a divorce right now, but I accept her decision and we both still love you very much" -- something like that.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
You know it’s funny how the LBS will say they don’t want a divorce because it’s not good for the kids. But at the same time they won’t say it’s mutual to young kids which is best for the kids and they won’t agree to family birthdays and Christmas’ which is best for the kids.
These are all just ways of trying to keep the WW in a situation they don’t want be in which is not good for anyone involved including the children.
You are there to help your kids make sense out of the sitch your xw chose to put them and you in. They know. They just do. Don't give them more info than they need but don't lie, either.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
You can google Michelle wiener Davis on you tube on what to tell the kids... she disagrees with the United front and called it a “flat out lie”. She has a nice way of wording things though. I really agree with her on this.
I chose to not lie to my son who is now 8 but he was 4 at the time. He asks me questions about who wanted the divorce and I told him that his father did. And that mommy believes in only divorcing someone if the other person did something really bad. Like hitting someone.
I do not want my son to think it’s OK to leave a marriage with a young child without working on it. I do not want him following in his foot steps. My ex mil lied to my ex about how his dad left them (his dad eventually came back when he was young) but he thought his dad ignoring them and taking separate vacations was normal. She Told him stories about how he was out provided. To my knowledge, my ex still doesn’t know the truth. I think it really messed him up. I feel like normalizing dysfunction (which is what ex mil did) really messes a person up. My ex ended up living this weird secret double life.
I do make sure to tell son that his daddy and I both love him. That his daddy left me and not him. And I tell him that his daddy left because he has problems. (His dad is a high functioning addict that depleted marital funds for years)
Sense- Observation (When you, I see….I hear…I read…. Thought (I believe….It seams to me… Feelings ANGER (I am frustrated… SADNESS (I am disappointed… FEAR (I am worried… REGRET (I am sorry… LOVE (I appreciate/understand… Need (I want…What I propose ...I require… The response I would like to hear is..... Consequence - My Future Response (If you choose not to….If you continue…
I started:
Quote
H" W, I have thought about our recent conversation. I need you to listen until I am done. Will you do this?" W "ok?"
I appreciate that you told me the truth about what you said to S7. I am frustrated that you are telling our kids things that are not true. I am disappointed because I thought we had an agreement not to lie to our children. I am worried about what and how we say things will effect them.
Can you fill in the rest?
Part of this process is interacting better with W. I am sure you would have no problem doing this verbally, others might find it better to write a letter.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
You can google Michelle wiener Davis on you tube on what to tell the kids... she disagrees with the United front and called it a “flat out lie”. She has a nice way of wording things though. I really agree with her on this.
I chose to not lie to my son who is now 8 but he was 4 at the time. He asks me questions about who wanted the divorce and I told him that his father did. And that mommy believes in only divorcing someone if the other person did something really bad. Like hitting someone.
I do not want my son to think it’s OK to leave a marriage with a young child without working on it. I do not want him following in his foot steps. My ex mil lied to my ex about how his dad left them (his dad eventually came back when he was young) but he thought his dad ignoring them and taking separate vacations was normal. She Told him stories about how he was out provided. To my knowledge, my ex still doesn’t know the truth. I think it really messed him up. I feel like normalizing dysfunction (which is what ex mil did) really messes a person up. My ex ended up living this weird secret double life.
I do make sure to tell son that his daddy and I both love him. That his daddy left me and not him. And I tell him that his daddy left because he has problems. (His dad is a high functioning addict that depleted marital funds for years)
For what it's worth, I did not lie about the situation. I told them the truth (that I didn't want the D), but I also said that both of us were responsible for the breakdown of the marriage. I owned up to my mistakes. I told them that we both love them very much and that we'll have a great life and got them excited about the new situation. Telling them the truth did not do them harm. They are adjusting well. If you do tell them the truth, then I think it's VERY important not to then tear down there mother (or father). My motto is "tell the truth but stay classy."
Thanks all for the input, very helpful to "talk" this issue out.
For the time being I am going to lay back on this. I already called W out on it and the way things were left she does not know if/when/what i'm going to do about it, which is good for now. I am going to work up something to say to S(7) in the event he raises the question to me.
W's parents are divorced. Her dad is local and I have seen him a number of times since W told him about the D and neither one of us has said a word about it to the other. On each occasion, W and kids have been around so her dad and I have not had any one on one time. We have just been carrying on business as usual.
W also disrespects her dad routinely, with critical commentary and condescending remarks. It's painful to watch. From time to time I interject because the guy does not stand up for himself enough and it's so hard to hold my tongue. W does it in front of the kids sometimes and it is a horrible example of how to speak to grandpa. I'm 99% certain that at least a part of him feels bad for me as he knows how W can be.
Anyway, when the opportunity arises with a moment of 1 on 1 time I am planning on saying something like " sorry I couldn't figure out a way to make things work with your daughter, I know this suks for you too, this sitch doesn't change the way I feel about you at all, i'll never interfere with you getting time with the kids whenever you want". Any thoughts on this approach?
What to tell the kids and how to handle contact with the in-laws is a very very difficult thing for me too. My kids are older and they knew full well the M was not working and that we were both unhappy. The Eldest is old enough to have his own opinions, and my challenge there is validating his feelings while not colluding with him or allowing him to be disrespectful to H. At the moment, we're in a a kind of limbo and Eldest would love me to say 'H is never coming back, we're splitting up' and Youngest would love me to say 'Daddy will come home soon - we're working on it' - I don't think I can honestly say either of those things. What I do say is 'the way things were was making us all unhappy and it is over now. It will never be like that again. What things will be like in the future, I do not know - but I know Daddy loves you and misses you and I know we're both working hard on being the best we can be right now,' and that seems to be okay for the time being.
I don't have any contact at all with my in-laws. I'm sad about that, and quite hurt too - and I don't know how that will work if and when there is an R - but I am choosing not to worry about that at the moment, and supporting my children in having relationships with their paternal family by making sure they're available to see them when H arranges that contact. I did make one phone call pretty early on in the situation to my MIL just letting her know she was welcome to arrange contact with the kids via me at any point if she wanted to, and despite the fact we'd had a good relationship previously, MIL was very cool with me, changed the subject entirely, and hasn't been in touch since. I've decided just to let that lie for the time being.
