change is good

[Ginger1]

Thank you guys. I am very grateful I do not have breast cancer. I know this was cosmetic but many people surgical correct deformities. And even if I did it for the pure reason I wanted bigger boobs, o shouldn’t feel guilty. Personal decision, my money, etc.

Kml, at first I didn’t play the “I’m strong “ role. I asked if he would take care of me post op, he said of course. ( this was the day before) I am not overly concerned about the surgery because I’ve had quite a few, and honestly, this was my easiest. My knee was actually the worst. The recover was very long, I had a complication where I got another survey 9 months later. This is 4 days and I’m back to work. The money hurts me more than anything.

He just distanced himself and seemed unsupportive. Said the right things as far as it must be scary for you blah blah. But I can sense he doesn’t want anything to do with it. He just left me hanging last night knowing I was upset. He made it about him.

I guess we shall see today what he does. Will he reach out to me? Say his usual goodmorning ?Or just ignore me? It’s obvious it’s botherin him a lot. But there is clearly nothing I can do about it.

Well, I guess we will see how much he really loves me. It’s his issue to deal with. I’ll give him the space to do it. But I think it really stinks that I went to bed crying last night.

[TBSakaJ9]

Sorry G....the dr got breast implants for the same reason. Truthfully it is probably a good thing that you and M had the tiff or whatever you call it so you can see how he acts, reacts, processes, etc. I agree it does sound like he made it about him based on what you articulated in your post. I remember last month or so you also commented about him being upset about his hurt back or something and you went into caretaker mode rubbing oils on him etc.

[Dawn70]

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I would imagine it must be very difficult and I pray that you find some peace about the whole thing in the coming days.

Thank you guys. I am very grateful I do not have breast cancer. I know this was cosmetic but many people surgical correct deformities. And even if I did it for the pure reason I wanted bigger boobs, o shouldn’t feel guilty. Personal decision, my money, etc.

This stuck out to me big time. Of course you have no reason to feel guilty. Your body, your choice....plain and simple. It doesn't matter why you got the implants and all that matters now is getting them fixed properly. You have done absolutely nothing to feel guilty for.

As for M, I think time will tell. I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid, but maybe he just needs a "minute" to process what you have shared, especially if he went through breast cancer with his XW. I may be misremembering part of M's story, but wasn't that kind of the beginning of the end for he and XW? And, if I AM remembering that correctly, it would seem logical that he would have a "weird" (to you) reaction.

It has also been my personal experience when dealing with health crises that sometimes people just do not know how to react. My XH had some serious health issues early in our marriage and I was the caretaker, but once his issues were as cleared up as they could be, I had a breast cancer scare and my XH was very cold and distant while I was dealing with that. Some people just aren't made to be a caretaker. It just isn't in their nature. Doesn't make them bad people, just means that isn't their strong suit.

I totally agree with what kml said. Don't assume and be direct in asking for what you need from him. Be specific. Several of the men on our board have mentioned that they prefer someone who is direct, so ask him straight up for what you want him to do. M seems like a good guy, based on your posts, and I'm sorry he's pulled back and distanced himself, but talk to him about it. Don't just assume he's pulled back because it is the first step to ditching you.

You are a strong woman, G, and you'll get through this. I just saw a meme yesterday that reminds me of you and some other strong women I actually know in real life. It said "I'm a strong woman, but sometimes I just want someone to hold my hand, hug me, hold me, and tell me everything is going to be ok." SO SO true!

[job]

Ginger,

I am so sorry that you have to have your "boob" surgery, but it's better to get it done as quickly as possible. I know that money is tight for you right now, but, again, better now than later.

As for M, he has a lot to process and it's not "cancer" surgery, but a "deflated boob" surgery. He needs to get over that stigma and realize that this is two entirely different surgeries. Once he sees that you are okay and that you are on the mend, he may come to realize he was a bit foolish in stepping back.

The true test will be when you have surgery and come home. Do not be afraid to ask him to do things for you. He's a giver and if he's the right type of man, he will step in and help you any way that he can. Don't assume anything w/him at this point. He has to think about things for a bit.

Hang in there! We are all here for you.

[JujuB]

(((Ginger))) what every one here said.

You need to focus on you and your health not on his reaction or action. That is entirely on him and out of your control. It takes experiences like this to really know what someone is made of. I hope he’s made of the good stuff. But time will tell. In the mean time, lots of self care. Be around people that make you feel good and just take it day by day.

I’m sorry this is affecting your confidence. You are a beautiful person both inside and out.

[DonH]

Who would have thought? I mean, really, who thinks of something like this even happening? I mean needing a roof repair or a new furnace or huge car repair or something but a boob blow out and $10K to repair it? And holy crap $10K? That seems high but it's not like I've been shopping in that market or anything. I guess if there is no real danger, I can see how insurance won't cover it, but man who would ever think of something like this?

As for you Ginger, first of all, take a look at the calendar. We both know that has at least a bit to do with the intensity of your feelings. I have a bit of a harder time understanding what M's issue is. So his ex W had breast CA, okay I get that. You don't have CA. Yeah, it's the same part of the body, but... huh? Why the PTSD for him? Don't get that at all. Is it something else? Does he have an issue with the fact you did it in the first place? I frankly could understand that more - only because I don't understand this at all.

But, mostly, I have to wonder if you are mostly fearful that you are going to find out his not "perfect" - or beyond that, that he's not "the one." This is mostly gut/guess, but I just wonder if that's not part of it? I mean, I'm surprised you've gone this far without some sort of "issue" or "fight" of some sort. I mean, that's just not life - not typically anyhow. And I don't mean a drama-filled big blow out, just something. My fear is that the old you will want to kick in - the one that does most of the work in the R to keep everything in balance and going well. How could it not? To me it's pretty normal to have happen. I've asked before if you were not overlooking some things, but you never really commented. It's almost like there is more there but you are still sitting on and processing it.

I'm thinking just giving this a little bit of time will have you feeling better. Let's see if he doesn't start to better meet your expectations. I certainly don't see him walking away over something like this. If so, wow, I mean, what would you really be losing. Just don't see it.

Lastly, holy crap girl you're not even 40 yet. You're way too young to be falling apart. I totally can relate with that frustration. Let's hope this is the last of it. BTW, do you know how this happened? It wasn't during tubing or something/ Did you fall? Just spontaneous? Clearly not something I'd ever have on my radar. LOL

[Ginger1]

You are all very kind. I was really upset last night, and I cried myself to sleep and woke up with the most awful puffy eyes and had to attack another short handed day where I worked my butt off. Around 9am, M texted me "Good Morning!" we kind of acted like nothing happened. Brief banter. We didn't talk about it. At one point, we made tentative plans for him to come over tomorrow, but he still seemed a bit distant. I said "are we ok?" and yes said "yes, why?" I said "just checking, have a nice night with your son" herd nothing since, he should be dropping him off now, but I do not intend to reach out. I think it's me who might need some time to process.

Dawn, you are so right. Sometimes I do need someone to hold MY hand and tell me everything is going to be ok, I may be known to wear my heart on my sleeve, but in many ways, I am not vulnerable at all. I don't let others take care of me, to let them know when I am feeling weak or just not super strong. A flaw on myself. I was coming to the point of letting myself be vulnerable in that way with him. I accept his help, I do ask for help sometimes, and now, when I needed some understanding, I ended up trying to comfort him. J- I am a nurse, and I have that natural care taker thing going on. So when someone isn't feeling good I want to make them feel better. It's natural instinct. I know others do not have that instinct. I know M is very squeamish about things.

What's his PTSD? I am trying to understand it, but i guess maybe because her breast cancer surgery was the beginning of the end of things? It was traumatizing somehow because I asked him if it freaked him out and he said a little and i asked why and his ex's ordeal was what he said.

Again, his problem, not mine, but we all know I like to take on everyone's problems!

I got my quotes today and I wanted to cry. 10K for one way of doing it, almost 15k for the preferable more aesthetically pleasing way. I haven't decided. But I have a tentative surgery date of April 5th. I need to find the money and I pray I can hold onto that 5K and not give it to the government. This is financially devastating to me really having bought a new house in the past 6 months. It's one thing after another with me, it never seems to end, there is always some challenge but this one was no anticipated in any way.

Don, I know he isn't perfect. I don't want him to be. I married a guy who was convinced he was perfect and that was he!!. He isn't walking away. He just isn't someone who would do that. But will he be here for support when it happens? I don't know. I didn't even tell him my surgery date. I'm feeling myself not wanting to and putting my walls of vulnerability back up, I was letting him in where I don't let anyone in. I am taking a step back from that right now.

It's still early for us. We are still learning about each other and how we handle conflict and the tough stuff. It's a test right now.

Thank you, Juju, Like Don said, I am not even 40 and I am falling a part! I had to look at 5 different pictures of naked breasts with one deflated yesterday. I wanted to cry. And because of the one they took of my face that just looks swollen because of the weight gain. I am not myself physically. I am used to be very active and in shape> I feel like I am falling apart. I want to make changes to my diet so bad, but I am so overwhelmed lately, food is giving me comfort and I having a hard time breaking the cycle.

I decided to go to a hosted CEU event with some of my coworkers where there was wine, food, and a CEU. It was nice and I needed to get my mind off things. D11 is actually with the friend who I had to report regarding the suicide. Her mom is about to drop D11 off. I haven't talked to her and I am nervous about facing her. This girls is supposed to come to my house for a sleepover saturday nigh. I hope everything goes smoothy and I am making the right decision.

I've got so much going on. I really need a break from it all. Not this upcoming weekend, but the following is the bereft in AC with my girls. I need it very badly. I can't wait. My one friend is making us hilarious T shirts.

I'll handle this all. There is nothing I haven't been able to handle yet, and lord knows I have had some challenges placed in front of me.

[JujuB]

Money comes and it goes. This is your health. It’s not just cosmetic. There’s a leak right? That sounds serious. Can it be written up in a way that insurance pays for a portion? Can some of it go under flex spending?

I think with M. Maybe just continue to act as if. We can’t mind read what his issues are or if there even are any issues.

Regarding daughters friend’s mom... does she even know it was you that said something? Usually the teachers keep that confidential. If my son was talking about suicide, I would be grateful that a parent stepped up and warned myself or appropriate adults about it. My guess is that she feels uncomfortable and is worried about your thoughts and hopefully worried about her daughter and getting her some help.

You will get through this. A temporary set back and then you can get back to your old self.

[TBSakaJ9]

Makes sense G...just ensure that when you need it he is there for you as well.

[LH19]

G,

I am really sorry you are going through this right now. Nothing every comes easy to you but you are always able to push through. Take care of yourself.