Story and Symptoms of a WAW/MLC

[IHCLACS]

Yeah Steve85. I'm aware that the behavioral patterns of the WAW/WAS as I've studied on here, is that the sense of loss doesn't hit them until they've fully separated, in some cases the "grass is greener" for them on the other side, and in other cases it isn't. The price of the fantasy of their "new life" doesn't line up with reality.

I realized a dynamic about my wife since I've taken a few steps back over the last three months.
She has a lot of ambition and goals and desires. To lose weight, to travel, to live a different life, to "follow her heart" and all other women's empowerment psycho babble. Not that I don't encourage such things. I do. I've just observed that the women's empowerment spiel is almost always based off of hypergamy, misandry, and warped feminism. But I know her dynamic, she will try and try and try, and where she has loads of ambition, vision, and goals, she lacks discipline, principles, and commitment. Probably one of the reasons why she's failing to commit to the marriage. Oh well... Her loss...Good luck, and I wish her well. Can't wait to sell the house in the up and coming months and move forward with my life.

Even though I haven't had the ability to GAL as much (I've only been out once to a movie by myself in the last 2 months) because wife and child either came down with the flu, or because I work 14 hour days with drive time.

I've been feeling great, and have been taking on much more individualistic and positive mindset. The W and I don't talk at all anymore, close our doors, and do our own thing, except out of pragmatic necessities. In a way I'm glad because it allows me to detach more daily, and see just how manipulative, emotionally unavailable and ungrateful a person can be. Just putting me closer to getting what I deserve in life, who I want to spend my time with, what my expectations and standards are, and how I want to share myself with other people.

[SteveLW]

Yeah Steve85. I'm aware that the behavioral patterns of the WAW/WAS as I've studied on here, is that the sense of loss doesn't hit them until they've fully separated, in some cases the "grass is greener" for them on the other side, and in other cases it isn't. The price of the fantasy of their "new life" doesn't line up with reality.

I realized a dynamic about my wife since I've taken a few steps back over the last three months.
She has a lot of ambition and goals and desires. To lose weight, to travel, to live a different life, to "follow her heart" and all other women's empowerment psycho babble. Not that I don't encourage such things. I do. I've just observed that the women's empowerment spiel is almost always based off of hypergamy, misandry, and warped feminism. But I know her dynamic, she will try and try and try, and where she has loads of ambition, vision, and goals, she lacks discipline, principles, and commitment. Probably one of the reasons why she's failing to commit to the marriage. Oh well... Her loss...Good luck, and I wish her well. Can't wait to sell the house in the up and coming months and move forward with my life.

Even though I haven't had the ability to GAL as much (I've only been out once to a movie by myself in the last 2 months) because wife and child either came down with the flu, or because I work 14 hour days with drive time.

I've been feeling great, and have been taking on much more individualistic and positive mindset. The W and I don't talk at all anymore, close our doors, and do our own thing, except out of pragmatic necessities. In a way I'm glad because it allows me to detach more daily, and see just how manipulative, emotionally unavailable and ungrateful a person can be. Just putting me closer to getting what I deserve in life, who I want to spend my time with, what my expectations and standards are, and how I want to share myself with other people.

IHC sounds like you are doing pretty well, but I would start GAL more. You being gone is a loss she can feel.

I do want to correct one thing: " I'm aware that the behavioral patterns of the WAW/WAS as I've studied on here, is that the sense of loss doesn't hit them until they've fully separated"

That isn't a hard and fast rule. Some do not feel a sense of loss until S and/or D. However, GAL, and detaching, especially after instituting 180s and become a man only a fool would leave, does cause a sense of loss in many WAWs/WASs. Sometimes that don't respond to that sense of loss right away, which is why DBing is a game of patience.

IHC I think if you double-down on the GAL, and continue to detach, she will feel a sense of loss and it may wake her up.

[IHCLACS]

Honestly Steve85. Since I went on the road to one of my job projects in CT back in Oct. When she initiated the BD on me me, with the " I need my space " " ilybnilwya"  I was up in CT for three months coming home on weekends . She even said she got used to being alone, and preferred it herself. Before that project, when I was local, I would retreat to my politics,  my phone, and my FB and YouTube when I got home, and she would retreat to her reality tv shows. No interest from either party in spending time together. But she never saw that she hogged the tv, she never saw that, that she retreated to her own world intentionally because that was always how she winded down and coped from her mental stress at work, and I pointed that out to her. But blamed me for retreating to my own world as a result of her retreating to her fantasy world Never left me a spot or a space on the couch. Never invited me to watch TV with her. She never saw that. She barely acknowledged her neglect on housekeeping, and division of labor, She would always spin it on me that I never clean the bathroom or dusted the floors. That was all she ever did. I would always do the kitchen every morning at 2 am, the dining room of all of her crap ( which is still there)  the two-bedroom, and the yard during season.

I'm lucky I got to have dinner at my dining room table 3 or 4 times a year. She still eats on the couch (I'm sure that's a real good example for our 1 year old son.)

We recently had a couple of snow storms here and I still did the driveway, cleaned off her car every time, because she would prefer to use the electric blower, because she doesn't feel like picking up a shovel, which would cause the snow to still stick melt and then freeze which would cause slip trip hazards on the stairs in the driveway since we are on a hill. The last time I shoveled the driveway for her, as a bartering trade she asked if I wanted breakfast since I shoveled the driveway. I politely refused since her mindset was clearly " since you did something for me, then I owe you" (Covert Contracts)  When I give, I give without expectation. Just as an experiment I tried making her a pot of coffee for a month. Other than on Valentine's Day which I left her a card of gratitude, she hasn't thank me once for making the coffee so I stopped that too. She has however thank me and other places, for taking care of her when she had the flu. We had a talk which I mistakenly initiated on v day. That conversation left her confused, because she actually got a moment of sincere gratitude in the card that I wrote her.  Which was what you wanted in the first place and she asked why now? She was eager for me to tell her and write out the things for her that she could have contributed better to the relationship. I told her I wanted to hold back on that I didn't want to come across as being critical any longer, and wanted to carefully think things through over time. But I haven't delivered on it yet and I probably won't, since she ignores me now. Anyway the things she wants to know, is only going to serve her own purpose that refects on herself and not to relationship itself.  So since she's gone totally emotionless and quiet on me, I'm just going to keep doing my thing. The other day when I was having car trouble the other day validated me in a very short, concise, and neutral response. Sometimes I wonder if we are playing the same game? That are based on DB in principles. Only she's doing it naturally and I'm just catching up?

But it's all the man's fault it's always the man's fault, how they rewrite MR history, can't take objective friendly criticism, expect you to do all the changing but they won't change their own dynamics, only remember absolute negatives, attach psychology labels that IC 's fill their heads with of their spouses, Like Boaderline Personality Disorder, Bi-Polar, Narcissism, etc... It's funny, almost downright comical how they associated a woman's fog of mariral confusion, and blame it on their partner for narcissistic abuse? I'm not saying this because I'm a misogynist, but after reading books on both sides of the aisle women's and men's about relationships, I truly believe that woman's empowerment reinforces women to feel like victims and relationships, and encourages and reinforces there fickle feelings and following their heart which can sometimes get them into a lot of trouble, if they don't balance it with their heads, all in the name of women's empowerment because it sells. Women's empowerment teaches them to move on to become their stronger better self and they sell them a bill of goods that doesn't deliver, and at best maybe encourages some reform, rather than teaching real relationship dynamics, and how to improve on them and work with what you have like the way MWD, and other pro-marriage advocates do.

This is why even though I'm going to go see an IC for my own benefit,  I'm not a believer of them because they only offer the simple neutral solutions of what the patient is suggesting, and are not pro marriage by virtue and principle. They are undertrained to deal with coping skills and marital exercises in bringing about resolve to a marriage. No they are all about feelings, and childhood traumas, and other Freudian philosophies, rather than behavorial modifications, and relations. The hypocrisies of of all this is my wife is a behaviorist, attending IC since Oct, and she apparently cannot see the duality of fault on both sides which failed the relationship. Even though I pointed out her behaviors over the last 10 years she has failed to correct them up until recently. Even though she's attending, IC , she's in full pursuit to dismiss me ignore me and move on to her new fantasy life. But whatever she can walk her own walk. I'll do my own.  Apparently to her I was emotionally abusive for criticizing her to help me pull the weight with the house, when I was just reasonably frustrated. Apparently to her, she did all of the work on the house, and all the child care, and the food shopping (the last two parts are true.)

My STBXW (at least what I remember of her and not this person I'm dealing with now) the kind thoughtful positive caring and giving soul. However she has a very exaggerative mind set when it comes to owning problems and responsibilities.

I guess we will see in time as she diminishes the people pleaser part of herself and starts boldly asserting her true self if it's really there and that is who I'm really interacting with? We will see time will tell. I've only been an in-house separation for the last month-and-a-half, and BD was back in OCT. for S.

I have a lot of work to do on myself mentally emotionally physically financially and spiritually. I'm at that point where I'm 60% detached, and almost ready to walk away and file for D. But my moral principles and religious beliefs are preventing me from doing so. I will say this however once the separation is final and we sell the house and go our separate ways, whether temporary or permanent,  I don't think I could ever trust her again to live with her, since my dreams of home and family have been shattered, I don't know if I want to trust her ever again since she's become so emotionally unavailable. I know why she's doing that she doesn't want to lead me on or give me false hope.

Truth of the matter is where I'm at right now it really makes no difference to me I just need to secure my future life for myself and my son. I just wish that she could wake up to the fact without me having to point out to her that all these issues within all of our marriages requires a persistent mind and the exercise of skill sets and coping mechanism, that these things for the marriage can be developed and it's not based on just momentary feelings that continually fluctuates. But it's not my place to point that out to her any longer it's her objective to walk her own path and for me to walk mine. I will clean up my side of the street.

[IHCLACS]

Sandi2 . I have a question for you. I stop snooping over a month and a half ago. However it left my wife's lips this weekend that she's looking for a new relationship with someone that treats her with respect. ( funny how that works how you have to give it to get it) That was the in the sand for me., I can't file for D until we are living separately apart for over 18 months in my state in seperated residences. I'm not actively looking for evidence, but I'm curious what are some behaviors that someone when they come back from a date with somebody new? What are some telltale signs in women's moods, when they're anxious and nervous leaving for an appointment or a date Alan come back relieved and happy? What are some telltale sign behaviors that the WW exhibit that are good indicators that the WW is involved in a EA/IA/PA? Any exhibitor signs of guilt? Projection? Lack of remorse? Etc?

[IHCLACS]

Can anyone help with a little advice? For 2 months now. Every time I come home from work. WAS has always asked me "How was my day?" After announcing everyday to S1 "Dada's home!" I always have given her a positive response about my day, no negative responses anymore. There are some days where I mix it up, stating positive things, some days where I asked her in return how her day was and mix it up a little, "Anything exciting or new about your's etc.. etc...Some days i don't even ask her how her day was at all, as it is my way of initiating LRT, and giving her space Am I wrong for not asking her or is this rude of me? Otherwise we don't talk and unless it is about S1. Otherwise I don't look her way I go about my pleasantries and my stuff, and let her do her things, unless she initiates, then i try to validate,

I keep falling into the habit of getting suckered into an R talk on the weekends. I've stated that I won't stop her but I feel like these things can be worked out, and worked on. She's more interested in getting on with her life. This weekend she said that it is her goal to be happy, and find a relationship with someone that respects her, in which I replied calmly. "Yeah i thing i am definitely done at this point." I won't have an open marriage And make sure she understood what I meant and she did. She said " If that's is what you want?

Shortly after Valentine's Day I did mention I was considering dating again, but I want to think about it. Initially she tried calling the I don't want us to date other people card to control me. so I thought why not run with it to see what response I get. But I'm not taking any action on such at all, not am not in a position to. She is well aware of that. but I think that that might have sent her over the edge to start pursuing other people. But I haven't flushed that out yet, as all that I've stopped all spying for my own sake. I don't question where she goes and she doesn't question where I go. As long as to her Freedom time is split equally between childcare whats fair to her. She has said literally everything verbatim that's in a WAW script. She texted me Monday remind me that Friday is her night out and I have to watch the baby but the weekend is all mine. A couple times that we both have the opportunity to go out I've just said " to have a good time "and left it at that . I've stopped pursuing, responding to her texts, and ignoring any child care criticisms from her in person, If I am out late for some reason I'm out late and she asks if I'm okay? which I just reply with Yes or yup. Am I being rude by limiting contact like this? I'm really not looking for a response from her but I don't want to drive the nail deeper. I'm at that point where I am before my Line in the Sand. If she starts dating other people, I am going to file first for D, starting balance of assets and liabilities sheets ready childcare custody agreements in place excetera.

But is how she responds as of currently. Three worded short sentences. I am at point now between vaciliating between letting her go, and just hanging back and working on me. I care enough to be open-minded with no expectations, but I don't want to be rude or self-sabotaging either in my behavior, nor do i want to go out of my way and pursue... I'm making plans for my life after we sell the house in 3 or 4 months, and she is doing the same. I know she has a lot of hurt from the things that I contributed to the M, but its still all about her and what I did wrong.,She has been in IC for 6 months and I am just starting. She has said on a few occasions that she don't think the marriage can be saved. She has asked me to write down the things she could have done differently. But I've held back I'm giving them to her, because it has no benefit on a relationship or R because she isn't willing work on it anymore. Its just for her own learning and self growth for future. I know I've heard it a thousand times believe none of what they say and only half of what they do.

Back to my question on LRT. What is considered pulling back too far? Like completely ignoring unless asked a direct question? Do I want to appear as distant, and slightly cold but still polite and courteous? I mean it is after all what she is doing.

[sandi2]

Sorry, just saw your question. I think it would be best if you read the first few pages to this link:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554&page=1

[AnotherStander]

I keep falling into the habit of getting suckered into an R talk on the weekends. I've stated that I won't stop her but I feel like these things can be worked out, and worked on.

UGH. Quit saying stuff like that. Just LISTEN and VALIDATE. Do not beg/ plead/ reason/ negotiate/ explain. "I need to find someone who respects me blah blah blah" "I can understand why you feel that way, you've been through some difficult times." Anything else is PRESSURE and you need to remove all pressure!

She's more interested in getting on with her life.

Yes, so she thinks. They all say that crap.

This weekend she said that it is her goal to be happy, and find a relationship with someone that respects her, in which I replied calmly. "Yeah i thing i am definitely done at this point."

Do you see what you did there? Completely ignored her and made it all about YOU instead. Stop it. Your only job is to listen and validate.

I've stopped pursuing, responding to her texts, and ignoring any child care criticisms from her in person, If I am out late for some reason I'm out late and she asks if I'm okay? which I just reply with Yes or yup. Am I being rude by limiting contact like this?

Well it's rude to have a baby at home and just not do your part to raise it. Don't just stay out late every night and think that's GAL'ing. That's irresponsible. If you want to stay out late then make arrangements with her in advance.

I am at point now between vaciliating between letting her go, and just hanging back and working on me.

Well there's "letting her go" as in give her time and space which is what you should be doing. And then there's "letting her go" as in pursue D, which you are not ready for having only been here 2 months.

Back to my question on LRT. What is considered pulling back too far? Like completely ignoring unless asked a direct question? Do I want to appear as distant, and slightly cold but still polite and courteous? I mean it is after all what she is doing.

Read Sandi's rules every single day if not several times a day. They are your template on LRT.

[sandi2]

I think it was in my first post to you that I cautioned about going to extreme when implementing the 37 rules. I think there's been times you went a little too far with not responding to her texts/calls, or speaking when you come home from work (if I understood you correctly). Detaching is not treating someone coldly. It's not acting as if you are sullen.

I see a lot tit-for-tat in the behavior of both spouses in this sitch. I feel you bring a lot of unpleasantness into the R, b/c of your negative mental attitude. I understand that she is not perfect and has her share of faults, but let's focus on Robert and what he controls. Here's a recent example of what I mean:

Before that project, when I was local, I would retreat to my politics, my phone, and my FB and YouTube when I got home, and she would retreat to her reality tv shows. No interest from either party in spending time together.

An observer might think this was a mutual agreement. However, I think you are saying that before the bomb drop, you knew neither of you were putting effort toward meeting the emotional needs of your spouse. She had her way of unwinding in the evenings, and you had your way. No crime there, but my question is.... did the two of you come together at some point during the evening, or did you retire to bed just as disconnected as you were when unwinding? If not, then the grave was being dug for the MR.

But she never saw that she hogged the tv, she never saw that, that she retreated to her own world intentionally because that was always how she winded down and coped from her mental stress at work, and I pointed that out to her. But blamed me for retreating to my own world as a result of her retreating to her fantasy world

The two of you sound worse than an old couple nit-picking. Read what I wrote above. It's okay for each spouse to unwind after work......as long as it's for a limited amount of time. If the time is unlimited and you go straight to bed without giving some attention to each other.......then ice is going to form on those bedroom walls. A marriage is like a living plant, and it has to be nourished, or it dies.

Never left me a spot or a space on the couch. Never invited me to watch TV with her. She never saw that. She barely acknowledged her neglect on housekeeping, and division of labor, She would always spin it on me that I never clean the bathroom or dusted the floors. That was all she ever did. I would always do the kitchen every morning at 2 am, the dining room of all of her crap ( which is still there) the two-bedroom, and the yard during season.

Seriously? I mean.......come on, Robert. She didn't leave you a spot on the couch, and never invited you to watch TV. I don't suppose I've ever invited my H to watch TV, either. I might say something about wanting to see a particular show. Is the couch the only place to sit while watching TV? Why do you think she's suppose to leave you a spot? You are a grown man, and this is your home. If you want to sit on the couch, then sit on it. Tell her to move over, or move her cr@p and sit down. Sorry, but that is just too petty for grown folks.

I previously asked if you could hire someone to help out once in a while with some of the house cleaning, since it is a sore spot for you. You seem to expound quite a bit about her lack of housekeeping, and it's getting you nowhere. You've got to find a solution by trying something different; let it go; or resign yourself to taking on the entire house. Is it unfair? Sure, but you can only control Robert. B'tching about it doesn't clean it up.

I'm lucky I got to have dinner at my dining room table 3 or 4 times a year. She still eats on the couch (I'm sure that's a real good example for our 1 year old son.)

What? You can't clear off a spot for yourself to eat at the table? Stop playing like a victim. You are a grown man! If she's got the table covered with her stuff, move it over to the side and sit down with your plate. You are not a guest in your own house, so stop waiting for her to treat as you as one.

We recently had a couple of snow storms here and I still did the driveway, cleaned off her car every time, because she would prefer to use the electric blower, because she doesn't feel like picking up a shovel, which would cause the snow to still stick melt and then freeze which would cause slip trip hazards on the stairs in the driveway since we are on a hill. The last time I shoveled the driveway for her, as a bartering trade she asked if I wanted breakfast since I shoveled the driveway. I politely refused since her mindset was clearly " since you did something for me, then I owe you" (Covert Contracts) When I give, I give without expectation.

Is that what you were doing........... giving? Does the driveway not belong to you, also? This sounds so long suffering the way you carry on about all that you do, while being critical of her. There isn't much room for loving feelings with all that bad attitude.

Just as an experiment I tried making her a pot of coffee for a month. Other than on Valentine's Day which I left her a card of gratitude, she hasn't thank me once for making the coffee so I stopped that too.

So, if she does something, it's a covert contract, but if you do something.....it's an experiment? Do you drink coffee, Robert? If so, then maybe she didn't realize you were going to so much trouble just for her. Yes, I'm being a bit sarcastic b/c you are taking such insignificant things and blowing them into major issues. You need to stop doing things to see if she'll thank you or even notice.

She has however thank me and other places, for taking care of her when she had the flu. We had a talk which I mistakenly initiated on v day. That conversation left her confused, because she actually got a moment of sincere gratitude in the card that I wrote her. Which was what you wanted in the first place and she asked why now? She was eager for me to tell her and write out the things for her that she could have contributed better to the relationship. I told her I wanted to hold back on that I didn't want to come across as being critical any longer, and wanted to carefully think things through over time. But I haven't delivered on it yet and I probably won't, since she ignores me now.

OMG! If I were her, I'd feel that there was just no winning with you. She asked you to tell her how she could have contributed to the R. There was your perfect opportunity to try and connect on some level, b/c she was asking.........but you had rather carry that negative junk around in your heart/mind........and get back at her for ignoring you. She didn't invite you to watch TV. She didn't thank you for the coffee. And now, you won't answer her question b/c she ignores you.

Sometimes I wonder if we are playing the same game? That are based on DB in principles. Only she's doing it naturally and I'm just catching up?

IDK, if you are playing the same game, but I can't see where it is based on DB principles. Perhaps you intended to base your actions on DB principles, but you are missing the target. If anyone understands what a bad attitude does to yourself, your relationships, and your life in general........it's me. It's like a poison to one's spirit. My concern is you believing it's all in the name of DB.

But it's all the man's fault it's always the man's fault, how they rewrite MR history, can't take objective friendly criticism, expect you to do all the changing but they won't change their own dynamics, only remember absolute negatives, attach psychology labels that IC 's fill their heads with of their spouses, Like Boaderline Personality Disorder, Bi-Polar, Narcissism, etc... It's funny, almost downright comical how they associated a woman's fog of mariral confusion, and blame it on their partner for narcissistic abuse? I'm not saying this because I'm a misogynist, but after reading books on both sides of the aisle women's and men's about relationships, I truly believe that woman's empowerment reinforces women to feel like victims and relationships, and encourages and reinforces there fickle feelings and following their heart which can sometimes get them into a lot of trouble, if they don't balance it with their heads, all in the name of women's empowerment because it sells. Women's empowerment teaches them to move on to become their stronger better self and they sell them a bill of goods that doesn't deliver, and at best maybe encourages some reform, rather than teaching real relationship dynamics, and how to improve on them and work with what you have like the way MWD, and other pro-marriage advocates do.

Where does this ^^^^^^ come from, Robert? Is your W talking about these views? Is her IC pushing them on her? Are you reading articles that get you fumed? Is this an example of you debating politics, or just sounding off?

This is why even though I'm going to go see an IC for my own benefit, I'm not a believer of them because they only offer the simple neutral solutions of what the patient is suggesting, and are not pro marriage by virtue and principle. They are undertrained to deal with coping skills and marital exercises in bringing about resolve to a marriage. No they are all about feelings, and childhood traumas, and other Freudian philosophies, rather than behavorial modifications, and relations. The hypocrisies of of all this is my wife is a behaviorist, attending IC since Oct, and she apparently cannot see the duality of fault on both sides which failed the relationship. Even though I pointed out her behaviors over the last 10 years she has failed to correct them up until recently. Even though she's attending, IC , she's in full pursuit to dismiss me ignore me and move on to her new fantasy life.

If you feel that strongly about IC, then how in the world do you expect it to benefit you by attending the sessions?

Apparently to her I was emotionally abusive for criticizing her to help me pull the weight with the house, when I was just reasonably frustrated. Apparently to her, she did all of the work on the house, and all the child care, and the food shopping (the last two parts are true.)

Well, that's her side of the story, just as you tell your side. It's hard to accept criticism, even "constructive" criticism. And the closer the person (like a spouse), the more sensitive it can be. IDK how my words in this post may affect you. I have no desire to upset you. You say you come from a family who speaks very bluntly. I do, too. Who'd guess? Right? But I've been on the receiving end of some of my relatives bluntness, and it just felt harsh. It didn't make me have warm, fuzzy feelings for them. Anyway, I don't want you to feel as if I have been too harsh. ((hugs))

However she has a very exaggerative mind set when it comes to owning problems and responsibilities.[/quote

Exaggerative! That describes what I meant by you going to extreme with a few of the 37 rules. So, maybe you and your W are alike in more ways than you realized. Does you W struggle with mood swings from day to day? What happens when your moods clash?

[quote]I have a lot of work to do on myself mentally emotionally physically financially and spiritually.

Do you have a map or plan, other than seeing an IC? Have you written out specific goals in these areas?

I'm going to suggest that you are more emotionally attached to this sitch than you stated. B/c you are too focused on the little things. You need to let go of the aggravation about the house and the way your W handles (or doesn't handle) things. Let go of the bad attitude toward women and whatever "movement" is currently on the rise. It doesn't serve you well, and it will turn you into a bitter, lonely old man. Stop trying to carve your W into the woman you want her to be. That's not your job! It's not your job to point out her faults. If you can't let it go and live with her in love......then stop punishing her. Stop being her judge. The robe doesn't look good on you.

I just wish that she could wake up to the fact without me having to point out to her that all these issues within all of our marriages requires a persistent mind and the exercise of skill sets and coping mechanism, that these things for the marriage can be developed and it's not based on just momentary feelings that continually fluctuates. But it's not my place to point that out to her any longer it's her objective to walk her own path and for me to walk mine.

Sometimes I almost see myself in you (many years ago). I thought if I pointed out the mistakes my loved ones made, then they could correct it and become all the better. I discovered the hard way how it would affect a MR (or any other relationship). So, I get a lot of what you say, but I can tell you that it doesn't work like you think it should work. And, the fact that your W doesn't cooperate or head to your advise, does not mean something is wrong with her. My H would not change the way I thought he should, either. Go figure!

[IHCLACS]

Actually Sandi. I am the one with the mood swings. I still admire your honesty (hugs) and support.

I'm emotionally hot and cold constantly nower days, and usually between "To hell with her, I don't want someone that doesn't want me, has no problem with dividing our family, and taking her life, hopes, and dreams, into her own hands away from me" (Ego) and me "leaving the door open for the future" with room for changes and hope.

I think all these emotions are perfectly normal given the circumstsnces, just the fast frequency of them may give people the impression of me having the Dr. Jeckyl, Mr. Hyde affect.
It really is me that runs hot and cold because im healing from trust issues for having to sell the house, divide family, and her point out all my short comings, but she recognizes few of her own. But that's for her to realize in her own time. I can't change someone's perception of me, but I can change my behavior to influence better perception.

I am going to emotional regulation therapy. I am very normal considering all the crises in my life. Not bi polar, just emotional, and very expressive, slightly dramatic person to people i an close with. Just started going to CBT therapy for potential boarderline BPD. I journal and capture my thoughts and states now. I was noticing that sometimes irritability and negative thoughts hit at certain times, when I am hungry, frustrated, overwhelmed, or compulsively thinking about. M, multiple issues, lack of sleep, etc....( Been sleeping 4 hrs a night for 3 years, not by choice) finances, projects, place to live, career change, time, deadlines, etc...

My wife's birthday is coming up on the 27th. This is an area that I've neglected over the last couple years as far as thoughtfulness and presents, having poor excuses for either lack of time, thoughtfulness, money, effort, etc. So I'm 180ing that. Just looking for opinions on whether I should attend bday party at MIL or not, and get her a small gift and card wishing her well for future hopes and dreams of hers. Nothing big or grandiose. Just thoughtful and platonic. MIL/FIL loves me unconditionally. Might be good to attend for sake of my son, on other hand, don't want to "play family" if still seperating. Maybe emotionally healthier for me if I don't attend, but plan, cake, small gift and card.

I'm not sure DBing has been working for me the last 6 months. I feel its been digging me deeper in the hole. Im probably not doing it correctly...The distance, silence, awkwardness has grown so great, and there are so many wrong things I did on my wife's list. Some exaggerative, some legitimate. But that's her perception. I shouldn't have to bear the burden of everything wrong with the marriage, and she honestly doesn't expect me to. The taking back the MBR was a big FU according to her 2 months ago, and she attributed it to me being manipulative and not willing to sacrifice me moving to the basement to give her her space.

However on the other hand, I do empatheticly understand why she is seperating for health reasons, career changes, well being, happiness, life purpose, and both of our recent minor dynamic dysfynctions within the marriage.

I have maintained my position on the MBR that "Why should I move to the humid basement? When she's the one that wants space?" I gave her the option of staying in MBR or guest room. She chose. Her argument is. W: "All my stuff was in there, I breast fed our son in there, it was where I felt safe for 7 years, you never slept in there and always fell asleep on the couch anyway, and only came to bed when you wanted sex, you slept in guest room for 1 month, and then last minute changed your mind....yada, yada...."

I'm trying to 180 bad behaviors while still accepting current reality (seperation), and not actively pursue. But the only result is distance and resentment on both sides sometimes. Tonight was nice and friendly but still logistical. We talk and laugh about S1

When I spend time with our son in the house, sometimes we barely talk. Sometimes it feels awkward to me and sometimes the silence doesn't bother me at all.
I usually take these moments to actually do my own thing, and avoid her all together. (Small house) I continually vacillate between being prayerfully hopeful of R in future, and just wanting to end the M, the house, start a new life and move on. I'm just not getting anything out of this at the moment. If I focus on me too much then it's more of the same behavior, and I'm selfish. If I focus on her even just a little bit, then its considered pursuit.

Anyway I've been bringing up talks of 50/50 custody for future, and putting a parenting plan in place, and have been adamant of 2-2-3 parenting schedule. We are alternating weekdays and weekends informally now so time, money and resources is very limited for me financially to GAL. She was taken back at first by the 2-2-3 schedule, but is on board with it.

For the first time in 6 months Im actually peacefully ok with going through with the seoeration, when just 7 hours ago, I was hating her guts at work because of my own ruminations of situation.

Uhhh I need to take myself off this emotional roller coaster that i impose on myself every single day and truly let go.

[IHCLACS]

Question? Do most people here check this forum and everyone's situation daily, like in the morning? On lunch break and at night? I think im spending way too much time on these boards reading everyone else's ditch, for relation. Is this common or normal, or am I exhibiting compulsive behavior? Been doing this for 6 months, and feel need to put the subject down for a little and GAL more with little time I do have.